Not allowed to see my beloved GS

Although it's hard to judge from your post it does suggest that DDs partner is a domestic abuser- controlling behaviour, isolating victim from support networks etc all in the name of "love". Whilst I agree with other suggestions of looking after yourself in this new future, at the heart of this is the welfare of your DGS. If his dad is and continues to have independent access to his son then at least he can monitor him and inadvertently your DD. However if this boyfriend is a domestic abuser then he will force this to stop. So either DGS's dad, yourselves or both need to go to court ASAP to ask for direct contact with DGS. It's not too difficult or expensive as you might expect. Also is DGS to remain in his current school? If so that's another protective factor. You can't do a lot about your DD at the moment but you need to make sure DGS is safe, loved and cared for appropriately.

Oh my heart goes out to you. It sounds like BF has control over DD and either she is going to control you ( because she can) or he is making her break contact. All I can say is write letters to your GS every week or more and keep them for him same with birthdays and Christmas, although when your daughter moves away she might find she misses you if you've always helped out with GS. You could try for reconciliation and at least you will find you have done something. Surely the child's father has some say in this? Your daughter has actually done the worst thing she ever could to you and it will be hard to forgive her but you will. As another poster said try not to forget the other people who love you and try not to let it take over your life. I think it's truly dreadful that someone has the power to make someone else so unhappy. I really hope your daughter changes her mind on her own.

Like Luckygirl I seem to remember your first post, and your grandson is of school age, isn't he? i.e. not a toddler? He must be as hurt and confused by this situation as you are. Indeed, the DD and BF may well come calling again, with or without notice, when they need a baby sitter. I would suggest not writing letters, as they may be intercepted, but your DGS is very likely on social media or soon will be, and make sure you have a FB presence (and other sites) that he can find in case he wants to make contact privately. The fact that you have some contact with his father is a positive note - hopefully even if you are not close, he can keep you in the loop as to whereabouts etc. I have to agree with others, I have seen too many times, where a SIL or DIL cuts all contact with family, but eventually the DD or DS comes to their senses, breaks up with the controlling person, and returns to the family fold. In fact, this has been instituted by siblings contacting them on social media in my experience. I will be thinking of you, and do try and look after yourself and other family members, as other posters have said. You will want to be strong and happy when your grandson returns to you!

Dear Beth, so sorry to hear about this.

I have a friend in the same situation and she thinks there may be support groups for grandparents denied access to their grandchildren (so you're not alone). In the meantime, she keeps very busy so she doesn't have time to think.

Just an idea but if your SIL has access, could he give your GS a letter from you from time to time? SIL would have to let him read it (or read it to him) and then take it back so that it is not found by DD or BF. Alternatively, perhaps SIL could talk to your GS about you so that GS knows you are there, etc.

When GS is older (you don't say his age), he'll probably have a Facebook page and you could maybe have Facetime with him.

I feel for you and hope this helps.

Your name is Pat Archer and I claim my £5. But seriously, strict with grandson and cutting daughter off from you is sending very bad messages here. Are other members of the family still in touch? What about daughter's friends?

Controlling or coercive behaviour is now every bit as much a crime as domestic violence. I hope your daughter finds the strength to stand up to this awful cowardly man. She has the law on her side. She is a victim in all this just as much as you are. All you can do is be there for her with open arms.

Once more I am overwhelmed by the kindness, support and good sense displayed by GNs. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have read every post. I have written again to daughter apologising for any upset I have caused and asked what I can do to make it better. I know that this is not the time for pride so I have really grovelled and await a response. The suggestion that I write to GS is a good one so will buy some nice cards and start doing that. My niggling worry is that he won't be given them so it is a good idea to give them to GS's Dad however he has told my DS that he is now having problems with contact so is seeing his lawyer next week. What a situation and I would be lying if I said I am OK. I am not. I am not sleeping, eating and my concentration is rubbish so apologies for not being very articulate here. I have a Social Worker friend who has suggested mediation so that is something to consider if necessary .

I think you are being very articulate.

I also think you are very brave and wise to have contacted with a grovelling apology - that must have stuck in your throat in a big way, but as you realise, this is not time for pride, this is the time to apply the strategy most likely to return you to contact with your DGS.

I hope that your SIL is able to achieve proper contact for himself and this, as others have said, could be the key to getting letters through to DGS so he knows he is not forgotten in your heart.

What family or friends support do you have for yourself?

If your DGS's dad is going to have access, might you be able to see him that way? Your daughter shouldn't be able to forbid the child's other parent from bringing him to see you? I'm so sorry for your heartbreak.

Can I just ask , I take it the new B F is not the father of your DGS , can his own father arrange a time for you to see your DGS ? (Sorry I've not had chance to read all the comments ) but I am in a similar situation with my GC and it truley is devastating , am so so sorry you are going through this ?

Love and hugs. I too had this situation. Now resolved. DD is pressing charges for Coercive Control. I do believe that even if you have no legal rights as such, you can get a court order and the courts would look kindly on Grandparent's and their relationship with the Grandson. Costly but could be a way forward?

I did read a few weeks ago that in certain circumstances if u can prove how much your input was in your grandsons life you had, that the court may allow you some access.
See how it goes and hang on in there for a few months then if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, talk to a solicitor/barrister about any possibilities that could be open to you (it's worth a try).
So sorry for this awful situation ?

You have no way of knowing if the relationship is going to last so as long as you keep channels open with your grandsons father, I think that is all you can do for now. Have you searched the BF's details to see if he represents a danger to women and children? At the moment the mothers relationship is more important to her than family ties or maybe even the best interests of her child. She may be powerless in this at the moment. Those who have never experienced this are sometimes quick to judge actions. It may be worth an appointment with a specialist family lawyer.

Does the boy's father have any clout regarding the well being of his son and would he be able to help?

The whole issue of grandparents access is hedged with difficulty! Basically we grandparents have virtually no rights to access through the courts. This unfortunately often leads to emotional blackmail levied against the grandparents! My own youngest daughter frequently threatens me with moving away and not allowing any contact with my little grandson! They have lived with me since he was born and I have co parented him since the very beginning he is very close to me and he gets upset if she mentions (which she does!) him not seeing me again as a result if my fear that I won't have him in my life and because I don't want him upset I have managed to get myself into a position where I have nearly bankrupted myself to keep her happy and where I feel I can never say no to her demands because of him! If I knew that I would have some access rights then I would be able to stand up to her as it is I find myself unhappy and scared most of the time

I absolutely know your pain, the best advice is that of Morethan 2. I regret how I handled the situation, I apologised when I had done nothing wrong, was shouted at and had letters returned, turned away at her house. I took it all because I wanted my grandchildren so much, she played cat and mouse with me.. How I regret it. I can honestly say it wrecked my relationship with some family and friends. Coming so soon after my husband had died, I desperately needed my family. Only after I took the decision to not tolerate one more minute and say to myself, this is how it is, they are not dead so I have to be glad of that. She doesn't want me in her life, I was not prepared to put grandchildren through courts, so have to realise that I have the rest of my life without them in it. A very hard thing to do, but the right one. No more false hopes and I started again. You will have down days, but you cannot alter someone else's behaviour only the way you choose to respond to it. As my father would have said, they are only loaned to you for a short while. ?Put yourself first from now on.

Please get some help for yourself first and foremost, maybe talk to your GP, find a support group (there must be others in a similar awful situation) or maybe even a counsellor. I can only try to imagine your despair as I have never been in such a sad and scary situation, I hope you can find someone/something to give you some respite

There have been some lovely supportive comments on here, and I do hope they have given you a shred of comfort. It sadly is not an uncommon situation, but I would say do not give up all hope. My DS and DIL fell out with her parents, and cut off all contact. Her mother was in a dreadful state, but there was nothing we could do. However after 4 years we were asked to look after the children whilst they met up. A few more meetings and things improved to the extent that they were allowed to see the grandchildren again. I had promised the in laws that I would contact them if anything serious happened to the family, so that at least they knew that no news is good news, and I sent them an update in their Christmas card, though I did not dare include photos in case that got back to DDIL at some point, in which case we would have been in a similar position. Even if you don't have an address and SIL gets cut off, you can still buy and wrap up birthday and Christmas presents, do when you eventually meet up, you can go through them, and the grandchildren will know how much they are loved.

The following Bill is going through the Ontario, Canada parliament right now.......

Bill 34, Children's Law Reform Amendment Act (Relationship with Grandparents), 2016
Mantha, Michael
Bill 34 2016
An Act to amend the Children’s Law Reform Act with respect to the relationship between a child and the child’s grandparents
Her Majesty, by and with the advice and consent of the Legislative Assembly of the Province of Ontario, enacts as follows:
1. Section 20 of the Children’s Law Reform Act is amended by adding the following subsection:
Relationship with grandparents
(2.1) A person entitled to custody of a child shall not create or maintain unreasonable barriers to the formation and continuation of a personal relationship between the child and the child’s grandparents.
2. (1) Clause 24 (2) (a) of the Act is amended by striking out “and” at the end of subclause (ii), by adding “and” at the end of subclause (iii) and by adding the following subclause:
(iv) the child’s grandparents;
(2) Subsection 24 (2) of the Act is amended by adding the following clause:
(d.1) the willingness of each person applying for custody of the child to facilitate contact between the child and the child’s grandparents, if such contact would be appropriate in the circumstances;
Commencement
3. This Act comes into force on the day it receives Royal Assent.
Short title
4. The short title of this Act is the Children’s Law Reform Amendment Act (Relationship with Grandparents), 2016.

EXPLANATORY NOTE
The Bill amends the Children’s Law Reform Act.
Subsection 20 (2.1) is added to the Act. That subsection prohibits a person entitled to custody of a child from creating or maintaining unreasonable barriers to the formation and continuation of personal relationships between the child and the child’s grandparents.
Subsection 24 (2) of the Act is amended. That subsection sets out the needs and circumstances of a child that the court must consider in determining the best interests of the child. The Bill adds to that list the emotional ties between the child and the child’s grandparents and the willingness of each person applying for custody of the child to facilitate contact with the child’s grandparents, if such contact would be appropriate in the circumstances.

That is great news and very interesting ?

I've been in tears reading these tragic stories. I can't imagine the pain you're all going through. Can't even give any new ideas for you. I just hope and pray that things will get better for you. Why are some people so cruel?

Given that BF seems to be coercive and controlling, he may have a history of domestic abuse with a previous partner. I would google Claire's Law which could mean, if you invoke it, that the police would inform your ex DIL if the BF has a history of DV, DA and presents a danger to her or your DGS.
Also, if you have concerns you could speak to Head Teacher who might be willing to pass them on to new school. As others have said, try to be nice to BF but he will see through that and knows you have seen through him and further cause to isolate DIL and DGS
I feel for you and your DGS

Beth61, I feel devastated just thinking about your situation. If I were you, I would be unable to resign myself to doing nothing and just coming to terms with this terrible loss. However, clearly you are not in a position take any direct action towards seeing your DGS at the moment. That doesn't mean that you can't privately prepare for the time when you will see him again (and you have to hold on to the belief that this will happen). I would continue to buy him a present for his birthdays, Christmas etc, and I would keep these gifts in a special box. I would also start a little scrap book for him, putting in anything you would want to be sharing with him if you could see him. You could write little messages to stick in, about whatever you might like to be talking to him about or sharing with him; a sort of 'diary'. Photos, newspaper articles, anything else that might interest him could go in here. When you see him again, he will know that he has always been in your heart and your thoughts, no matter what misleading information he might have been given by other people. And when you do see him, obviously, you just focus on the present, and let all the pain from the past fall away. He is your beloved grandson and nobody can take that away from you. Sending you so much love and hugs.

Are you able to contact the police & find out if this man has a domestic violence /control background? Here in Scotland you can. It came about by a family campaigning. Worth a shot. If she doesn't know his truthful background finding something unsavoury may help her see sense.

I can't imagine a future without my beloved GS. He and my DD lived with us for the first 6 years of his life and I really co-parented him ( willingly). He is now 10, doing well at school etc but is to be moved to a new town although I am not totally sure where. DGS's Dad phoned my son to say that he was supposed to see DGS today but was told this morning that it was cancelled. He will go to see his lawyer and has promised to keep me informed. He and my son communicate too. Thank you again for all the kind comments which I keep re reading as I am really struggling .