DIL anxious about me

I smiled when I read some of the posts. My darling granddaughter was born a year ago after 12 years of trying, numerous courses of IVF and lots of scares during pregnancy. So understandably my daughter in law was really anxious about leaving her. My husband I look after her 2 days a week. It needs to be both of us, as I have trouble lifting things. The first day mum went back to work, I was sent an email, pages long with all my instructions. I bit my tongue, despite the fact that I had brought up three children of my own, including one who was very ill throughout his childhood. I was also a teacher, who was used to holding an assembly with over 300 pupils, without batting an eyelid. My daughter in law treated me as if I had no experience with children. I just kept quiet. It's hard when it's not your own daughter. Last night we went up to let my son and daughter in law go out for a meal. How things have changed. Baby was still in her day clothes, hadn't been fed or bathed. Mum said, "Just do your own thing!" All mums think no-one can look after baby like them. It's natural. Going back to work and leaving baby for first time is really stressful. Things will be fine in the end. Just enjoy this special time with your grandchild. It has given me a new lease of life,after a bad spell of being really unwell.

I got the same long list and we even had to have a 'dry run' one afternoon to see if we could cope with giving her a bottle before nap, waking her, changing nappy, playing with her, then her tea. She was 10 months then. All to see if we'd be willing to have her one day a week or a half day a week when mum went back to work. It was as much to see that WE were happy coping with things, not just the parents' confidence in us.

Now that said, I have not had children of my own, but a lot of experience with my late brother's three from the moment they were born. Still that was 40 years ago and mum's have new ways now.

Went great and no more lists after that hee hee. DIL confided that she herself needed several months to get the hang of caring for an infant, especially as she was changing so fast.

Now we have our DGD every Monday PM from mid-day nursery, then the odd Thursday or once in a while all day if not at nursery. She's 15 months now and walking like a trooper and words coming left and right, just not in a sentence.

It's so much fun to share these moments WITH the parents. AND, I have even discovered a product or two that mum has approved of. It's all good so far, even when DGD has been unwell... we manage. One to one-and-a-half days a week works for us.

I think your DIL is a typically anxious first time mum who is loathe to leave her new baby. I think it's natural. A young tenant of ours said that when hers was born a couple of years ago. She'd moved before the birth and I only saw her that once when she said that. Ran into her not long ago and she said her DD was going to be an only child... that now that she was two, she finally got her life back!

So much for the 'broody' nature of new mums!

She s a lucky girl to have such an understanding m.i.l. Her hormones will be all over the place, and guilt about leaving the baby is very natural. A good person for her to speak to his midwife/ health visitor .

I am going to be looking after my 11 month old DGS one day a week when my DIL goes back to work. When he was first born, she was quite happy to let me hold him but after her mother died when he was 3 months old, everything changed. Although we had a brilliant relationship before and used to say she wished her Mum could be as understanding as I am, it got to the stage where she couldn't bear to see me and certainly didn't want me to interact with her DS. My DS was very apologetic but did what he could...he found he wasn't to be trusted a lot of the time either. My DD kept saying that it would be unfair on the baby to suddenly hand him over when she went back to work but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. I started to wonder if I was actually going to look after him. However, last week, she suddenly agreed to let me look after him and my son said when they had finished what they were doing, she wanted to go shopping rather than running straight back and I had such a lovely time looking after him. I am now hopeful that the worst is over and I am really looking forward to next week.

How lovely to have such a good relationship it's early days for your dil enjoy your gd

I meant to say Grandreg, a lot of these things tend to come out in the wash so gentle reassurance is probably the best way forward.

I can identify with a lot of the above comments. i.e.: Explicit instructions. Must do this, must do that.
My one year old is now about to undergo Sleep training as he wakes several times a night and won't go back to sleep unless taken into bed with parents.

Apparently it's all down to separation anxiety. Never heard of this terminology before D brought it to my attention.

Of course, if all new mums got adequate sleep they could probably cope a lot better.

I think you should both be very proud of having such a great relationship. Not many d-I-l's would have been able to be so honest. Other than that I agree with others that you are both bound to be a bit anxious. Time will make things better for both of you. Just keep on being honest and supportive and I am sure things will be ok. And enjoy your beautiful granddaughter.

icanhandthemback My DIL was eager to get back to work, but not thrilled about her new position since maternity leave. After about a month, though, she had settled in and once again was her old self, enjoying work, but looking forward to the end of the day to get back home to her new family.

She said it's like 'everything' in life has fallen into place since having her DD. She's her reason for getting up in the morning, working hard, planning activities for the family. Luckily my stepson is a good cook and does the evening meals in the week as he finishes earlier. There was a learning curve to changing their lifestyle, but they are so busy and seem really happy with family life vs meeting colleagues or friends for drinks and meals out all week long before having their daughter!

Ack, forgot to copy and paste the last paragraph I'd written.

DIL now is totally comfortable with us looking after DGD. Yours will come round. It was a process, not an event, but your screen-name says it all!

I have a photo of my DGS2 aged about a year old, on my front room carpet looking at my DD's typed list of instructions with a shocked look on his face. The time was 5am. The caption says "Oh, sorry Nana, you're right - apparently I don't wake up till 7!".

It's very natural for the younger generation to forget that we've all been there (or to think that we're dotty old enough to have forgotten all we once knew). They soon get over it and leave us to get on with things in our own inimitable ways. You sound like a truly lovely MIL and DGM, and I'm sure all of this angst will soon be forgotten. Enjoy your lovely granddaughter!

Thank you all for your kind words and advice! Things are better already. My dil messaged me she is feeling so much better after our talk and is so thankful to have me and our family in their lives. She has decided to only go back to her work, ( a nurse) 4 days a week. My son is a firefighter and works every 4 days, so we are working out a great plan that works for everyone!
DIL is very organized and will have a plan, that I will follow to a T, that will make her feel better. I will love every second of being with my GD!
Thanks again!

Am glad the posts helped. I've yet to post a query of my own, but am sure that day will come. Still, the posts I follow have been invaluable. So many wise people here who have been there and done that. It's why I joined Gransnet!

It's so sad young mums have to go back to work before they are ready.

I find guidelines for the care of my GCs useful...not for the mum or me but to ensure the little ones are not too disrupted. Of course, I do 'adapt' the guidelines to suit the situation.

I love a happy ending?

It's been 9 months since I have been watching my gd 2 days a week, and she will be 1 in a week! Wow, time flies!

It has been the most awesome 9 months. She is such a good baby, and boy are we having fun. She jumps into my arms when she arrives, and we play all day, grammas fun house! She naps like a angel, eats like a horse, and loves to be outside. I take her to my barn to visit the horses often, and she loves it!
She is the light of our family! Most importantly, her parents are wonderful and so appreciate of the time I spend with her, and are grateful she is safe and so happy.
Just thought I would give a happy update!

Amelia Jane and Grans. ?

How lovely that she can be so open but also so self aware about herself and her anxiety ...rather than turning it into "your fault" or making you feel inadequate! Once she is back at work, I'm sure everything will settle down nicely, and the care routine will just become normal! Its so nice that you and she have such a positive open relationship.

Sorry did not realise that this was an update. How great that it has all worked out so well

Wasn't around for your OP, but what a lovely update. 'The light of the family's says it all. Well done and how lovely to read of a happy and healthy MIL/DIL relationship.

I personally do not think that her feelings of anxiety are irrational.

I think it's a crazy idea for a grand dad to take care of a NEW BORN on a regular basis.

It is very hard looking after a New Born Baby! and not really a job for a Grandad to do long term or on a regular basis, as an older person you will get tired and possibly may not be able to cope and could put baby at risk.

I am not saying that because you are elderly you are not capable of taking care of a baby but a new born baby is a lot of hard work!! If perhaps it was an older child I think Mum would be less anxious

I think her fears are founded and I think there might be a little guilt coming from Mum .

I have given my honest opinion and hope you take it in the manner that it was given.

Going forward If you decide to go ahead and take care of baby I hope that you will do ok and Mum will settle

Did not see the update either...

I am so happy that things have turned out well, did not realise you would have help from your wife thought you would be taking care of baby alone, which is why I showed my concerns.

Well done and like others have said it is nice to read a Happy story

Why would it be inappropriate for a grandfather to care for a grandchild ?

OP is a grandma Serkeen