Asking for too much?

A whole weekend off once a month - well I certainly neither got nor expected any such thing when my children were growing up. You have your children; you get on and take the responsibility of looking after them and bringing them up.

This is quite crazy. If they were asking you to do it as a one-off (a special anniversary perhaps) then that would be different. Tell her you will do it if she pays for a mother's help to assist you!

I can understand they might ask you (although it does seem a bit of a cheek) but to start cutting up rough when you say you do not feel able to take it on is entirely out of order.

What a very difficult situation for you - I do not know what the answer is, as I realise you do not want to fall out completely with them - however, I would not fret too much about that as I suspect they need you more than you need them!

Don't do it! Tell her that you can't cope, you are older now and it's much too much.
Any DD or DS who can't understand that will have to like it or lump it.You have been a Mother and done it all, now you are a Grandmother you shouldn't have to.Their choice to have a lot of children and also their responsibility.....do not give in to it.?

If it was just for a one off special occasion I think I would bite the bullet and do the childcare for all the children (followed by a duvet day and a glass of wine), but it is totally unreasonable to expect you to do this on a monthly basis - I am exhausted just thinking about it.

I am always happy to care for my grandchildren but am not taken for granted and the DGC love coming to stay. The most I have is two at a time and this is more than enough for me!!

Try to keep friendly - ask DD to check with her friends whether their mother's would cope on their own with five children for the weekend including a baby. I can't think any of my friends would want this responsibility - what if one of the children needed medical help. Good luck.

People seem unwilling to do almost anything now without 'a break' no bloody gumption, we had kids and did not consider that we were entitled to any help at all, not saying I didn't get the occasional help, but it was at their convenience not mine.

Why have kids if you don't want family life?

Tell them they are asking too much.

I have my grandson 3 days a week while my daughter is at work. I find it quite hard. He is 18 months old. I love him to bits but no way could I or would I handle FIVE. It's hard enough when I also have my 6 year old granddaughter on school holidays a couple days a week. I am in my late 60s and thought I had loads of energy. Wrong!

I agree with all the other comments - it's too much, much too much. But I'd also like to say, please come to some compromise with your daughter, one that YOU are happy with. And don't feel guilty!

DH & i have four children, aged 21, 19, 17 & 10. From the very beginning I had nobody able to help - my mum had MS, so unable to help and DH not interested. I worked evenings so we didn't rely on childcare. The first time we had a night off was in May 2000 (before DC4 was even considered). My husband had a company do at the Millennium Dome from Saturday late afternoon through to late evening. Each of our 3 children were dropped off with different friends for the night and we had collected all 3 by 10 am the next morning. OP, your DD is being totally unreasonable on so many levels. 1. Why do they need a break every month? 2. Why are they expecting you to look after all 5 DGC? 3. If they need a break, why for the whole weekend and not just an evening out? 4. Who chose to have these children, and whose responsibility are they? Certainly not yours. Stick to your guns here - as others have said, your 13 year old DGD will make up her own mind about visiting you. Hope it all sorts itself out xx

Your daughter is selfish and I'm sorry but you need to make her realise she is asking far too much of you if she finds it impossible to find anyone else then she will have to do without a weekend away I'm sure it's a generation thing they feel it's an entitlement to have a break away from their children I don't remember expecting anyone to have mine for more than an evening.

5 kids? For a whole weekend? They've got to be kidding! Of course in an emergency situation you wouldn't hesitate but..... every 4th weekend away when you have 5 children is asking way too much! The responsibility is enormous and even though I feel like I'm 24 I'm actually 64. It makes a bloody big difference? I only had one child but I had no grandparents within reach to help out so I did it all on my own and One grandma died when our child was only 4 so.....if they have 5 ......it's their responsibility. Having said all this I still don't know what you can say to them because I know you want to help if you can but bloody hell! tell them once every 6 months ??

Absolutely no way they should be expecting to get away once a month. Their children, their responsibility. You cannot be expected to mind 5 children. I can't believe they've even asked you. Don't commit to doing this, as you'll just be stressed all the time thinking about it. Tell her that you're just not able to care for 5 children. You'll be there for emergencies or a few a hours at a time, but not a whole wknd.

Your DD has let herself down by her dreadful behaviour in demanding that you solve her childcare problems.

She needs to learn that your role is as a loving grandparent and not a free drop in nanny service. What a unbelievably cheeky cow!

Thank you everyone for your comments. It has reassured me that I was not being unreasonable. After a few emails back and forth with me sticking to my guns and offering as much help as I am able the situation seems a little better and hopefully I can spend a weekend now and then with some but not all of my DGC. There really isn't another relative she can ask. I am hopeful my DGD will be staying with me soon.

Having a child /children is a personal choice. Other persons ie relatives should not be expected to look after them while you go off on a twosome and made to feel they are unreasonable in refusing this request.
Stand by your guns. No if you do not want to do this no matter how much you love them.If this results in a hissy fit because you said no then you need to evaluate the relationship and take on board that if all you are to your daughter is a commodity only time will tell.Get on with your life sit back until she comes to her senses and realises how much you mean to her.You are not alone in this.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. I can't imagine how your DD thinks she is entitled to ask this of you.
In an effort to save my marriage I once arranged a one night away break with ex H and left my three with two different sets of carers of my own generation. The children had fun but the relationship wasn't helped . I would not have asked an aging parent to do what your DD wants you to, not even for one weekend a year.
Stick to your guns retirementisgreat and I hope your DGD is still allowed to visit.

Once in my 30s I had my late brother's 3 kids who were all pre-teens for 3 weeks in a small house on my own! He and his future 2nd wife were there, but out all day till late evening as they thought they'd get a break and I'd have time with my niece and nephews who I had moved 500 miles away from. I was single and found it very tiring, even though I only worked part time then, although I loved seeing them.

Late when they were young adults, I had them for a weekend in my late 40s and still found it exhausting, even more so as they bickered among themselves but were lovely to me and wanted me to be referee.

I could not cope now at 67 with THREE children of any age for a whole weekend on my own. We do get older physically and the demand on our bodies gets harder. (There is a reason for menopause)

Obviously your DD finds it hard as well and needs a weekend away... what were they thinking about this situation when blending their families? Are there not other relatives they can send some to as well as maybe 1 or 2 to you, preferably of the same age range. The children might want a break from each other, too!

Yes, yes, yes, I agree with all the above.

Just spending a few hours with my sixteen month old grandson, I find exhausting.

I used to have him for a ten hour day when DD was working.
He wasn't so active then, but now walking, it's a nightmare. Very stressful.
I felt quite ill after they left.
I think if you agree to do this, you will probably be ill with stress and exhaustion.
Its horrible having to think like this and you feel as if you are going into battle every time you have a conversation about don't you?

Look after your health, it's important.

Hell no !! Can't believe anyone could make such a selfish request of you. You have to think of your health both physically and mentally(!) Be strong and stick to your guns. DD and OH having a 'jolly' every month could result in baby no 6 - yikes!!

Glad to hear you have spoken with your D and things are looking better ...really don't know what children expect nowadays .....a friend of mine has just been asked if her DD and Ds=I=l plus 2 children can move in with them as there house has just been sold and they don't have another yet ...how long this will be for no one knows !!!! She has a small 3 bed house and so far she is busy re arranging everything to fit them all in ...in the meantime for however long it takes it means her other children and grandchildren will be unable to visit as the house will be full ..she doesn't go visiting them often for reasons of distance and mobility ! I cannot believe it !

I think initially your D was very selfish to even ask ..I mean one, even two gcs at once but 5 for a weekend every month !!!! Was lucky to get half an hour to go for an appointment when mine were small ..and that involved the baby sitting circle we had, or meant driving 30 miles each way to take them to grandmas !!

Good luck ! hope your time with GD is good !

Cheek is what I call it we never left ours to go away we enjoyed taking them with us and missed them when they stopped coming with us .

.... All the fights, arguments, he touched me, she breathed on me, he got an extra chip....

Coolgran

A Weekend away every month! How self-indulgent can you get? Twice in 16 years of marriage, my ex and I had just one night away, leaving the two boys with my parents and his parents once each. Your DD and SiL are taking you for granted in a big way. Do they ever give you a treat? A weekend away for yourself? Even a bouquet of flowers? It's nothing but sheer selfishness expecting you to take on the burden of all their children so frequently. As everyone else has said, just say 'no'! If she calls you selfish, she should look in the mirror.

Looked after five from two different families one day this week and we were shattered by the time three went home. I've just waved the other two off as they live in a different town and the house looks like a bomb has hit it! I do love them but we are thirty years older than when our own were young. I never remember having a weekend away without my children never mind a promise of a regular break and I do think it's very selfish just to expect that grandparents will do it.

They must get pretty tired with five children, but it is their responsibility and not yours to care for them; I'm also surprised that they can contemplate a weekend away each month - that must cost a few hundred each time. There are nice extended activities for children to do and special 'day camps' where they can have a lovely time with exciting activities - why don't they treat the older children from time to time instead of themselves? You must have been shattered after a weekend with five children - and I agree with the other posts, you shouldn't feel guilty at all, many people would balk at two children for the weekend, never mind five. I'm exhausted thinking of it!!

Yes, I think it is asking for too much. You are not there for everyone else's convenience. If I was in your position I would say to your DD that you do not feel able to carry out this request.

It's quite a privilege to be able to take a weekend off every month from family.

I think you need to set the ground rules and boundaries, and if DD is not happy with that, well, it is what it is. Take a step back and remember, it's ok to say no to things you can't or don't want to do.

It's just too big an ask, and she knows this.