Getting to see a grandson in hospital

Ah - the reason for the estrangement is more clear. Whilst you may consider that the children prefer you, it's probably best in the interest of your relationship with your DD that you do not continue to make your view known. As you say, as they get older, they will make more contact with you. Going behind your DD's back and getting the hospital involved (inappropriately, but that's just my view) will probably cause more issues.

marylane1996

"Apart from the fact I am allowed just over an hour once a month to see him I am worried sick that i will be stopped visiting by my daughter who says she hates the sight of me."

Is there a reason you can't see him your hour, this month, in the hospital? Maybe a time whilst your dd is away from his side.

I would just get him a huge, funny card with a big 'Get Well Soon' on it, and write a little message telling him you are thinking of him and wishing him well. Ask your daughter to deliver it next time she visits him in hospital.

I definitely WOULD NOT go behind her back as that would just be asking for trouble. NO WAY would I get the hospital staff involved either. You need to remember that Grandmas have to take a back seat when it comes to Grandchildren. We have all been there and some of us learn the hard way.

A lot of sad stories here and much food for thought, but this seems to me to be symptomatic of a wider issue.

One of the underlying problems is that in the UK, grandparents have few if any rights, and are therefore vulnerable to all kinds of pressure from relatives – the situation is complex, and in my experience, no two situations are the same. However, possibly that is set to change. I am part of a group campaigning for the rights of grandparents to have contact with their grandchildren (as is the case in France), and although no firm date has been announced, a national petition is shortly to launch on the Petition Parliament website, calling for the grandchildren and grandparents to have rights of contact. The aim is to obtain the 100,000 signatures required for the issue to be considered for a Parliamentary Debate. This petition has been started by Lorraine Bushell of the Hendon Grandparents Group, with the support of her MP Dr Matthew Offord, and on 31st January many of us attended a Parliamentary Lobby Day at the House of Commons. A number of distinguished people were present, including Dame Esther Rantzen, and representatives from grandparents’ support groups across the UK, both affiliated to the national organisation Grandparents Plus, as well as independent groups. There have also been calls for the requirement for Leave of the Court to be scrapped, if grandparents take the matter to court. Watch this space and keep your eyes open for media coverage.

Womble54

Flogging a dead equine and stirring up trouble is no help for the OP.

Not sure what you mean Norah. While I realise that it won't provide immediate help for this particular situation, since becoming involved in this issue a couple of years ago I've heard some really dreadful and heartbreaking stories. In my time I've seen many changes in the way society treats minorities, and it seems to me that older people are still pushed to the back of the queue for pretty well everything. I find this unacceptable in a society claiming to be civilised - as they say, evil will prevail if good people do nothing.

Womble54 I disagree.

I think AC living their own lives is far from evil. It's their turn to be parents as they see fit. I don't even attempt to advise my dds and GC, their family life is not my business.

Legislation for GP "rights" gets a big NO from me.

No surprise there then..

Marylane, Your daughter will reap what she is sowing. She is basically teaching him how a Mother should be treated.

My heart goes out to you Marylane, as I'm sure you did what you thought was your very best for your daughter when she lost her dad - we can all look back at our parenting methods and realise where we might have gone wrong, in hindsight. However, I don't think you should be doing anything without your daughter's agreement other than sending a fun card and some small gifts. Surely that doesn't need her permission. But ask her if you can visit, using up some of your monthly "allowance" (I don't see much more of my grandchildren and I'm not banned at all).

GP rights is a difficult one. I don't think I could go with legislation. I know one GP who is manipulative and narcissistic and would do all she could to turn her Grandchildren against their lovely mother (she's already tried with the husband - and failed). But no court would ever notice what she is capable of. At the end of the day GPs are one step removed and only half the blood of the grandchildren.

Has your daughter told the hospital staff that she doesn't want you to visit your GS ? If she has then why are they letting you ? I know you are in an awful position but legally she can do this. The staff on the ward are asking for trouble if they are going against her wishes. Legally I mean.

So sorry about your gs, maryjane. Of course, you are worried about him. Hope his surgery is successful. He will be in my prayers,

Your dd sounds like a difficult person, no matter what the reasons. But tg you get that one hour a month. Some gps here are fully cut out.

I agree that it would be a good idea to ask dd if you could spend that one hour visiting gs in the hospital, even if it is off schedule. If she says no, then just maybe send him a parcel and call once or twice after the surgery to ask hospital how he is doing.

Maybe dd will relax the visiting rules while gs is in hospital? Maybe not but you really don't know yet, do you?

Family fallings out are so hard to bear and to navigate through. There have been a fair few in my family. Would try to keep all lines of communication open, stay positive, don't rise to any bait that may appear and just try to do your best in a very difficult situation. Hope all goes well

Op with your update your GS needs you as a constant support in his life long term. 1 he a month is very very little. But in his mind you will be a strong loving figure during and struggles with his mothers problems.
However if his mother snaps and cuts you out completely then he may lose a lot more then a quick visit.
Is your GD in contact with them? Can she provide you with updates?

Marylane please be careful. You do not say whether your DD has husband/partner support, or how he feels about you. If she is alone and on medication, with the problems you have described, she is not going to be considerate, reasonable or rational. I understand how you have tried to compensate for the loss of her father; I did the same with my DD over her turbulent childhood and my eventual divorce from my husband. The result is that I am constantly hurt by expectations that are not met because I have created a situation where my needs are unrealistic! It is hard to step back or to accept that we can't have what is right. It is hard to cope with inconsiderate and unreasonable behaviour. But you only have to look on this website to realise that you are most certainly not alone!

Sadly, we are usually responsible for how our children treat us and facing that isn't easy. If you've let DD walk all over you for years, as you say, then she's not going to change now! Is she having counselling? Are you able to just sit with her and talk to her and ask how you can help her? It may be absolutely the last thing you want to do, but if it helps improve the situation, it may be worth it.

Just do a normal size card with lots of love and wishing him better soon in it! And maybe an appropriate small present from Grandma. DGS will know you love him. As everyone has said, he's growing up and this situation will sort itself out in a few years. It's hard, but be patient. And be good to yourself too - you've done nothing wrong other than love them!

I've spent years walking a thin line around birth parents with regard to dcs in my care, diplomacy is the order of the day, I totally agree with everything riverwalk says. Under no circumstances should you send a huge card, this will just look like point scoring and will be used against you. You may not like what's being said about you and everything may seem unfair but there is no way you will win this one especially if you give the opposition ammunition. You just have to go with the flow and accept the situation until your DGS is old enough to make his own decisions. You have no rights, like me, I'm keeping my gob shut and waiting for two of my precious DCs to come find me when they are older, one of which lived with me for 3 years, the other I supported for 9 years. If they don't I will accept it for the sake of the DCs. Sadly the parents who behave like this damage the children more than they improve their own lives, all you can do is bite your tongue and resist the temptation to interfere. Fortunately I get on well with my own DCs and inlaws, I never take sides or criticise and they are nice to me.

Send a card and please don't do anything to further upset your daughter whilst she is already worried about her son's hospitalization. You stand a chance of ruining what you do have - monthly access to your GS.

I feel for you marylane, I know what it feels like when a much loved GC is facing major surgery. I woke every morning for years and my first thought would be about my youngest GS who was due for his third operation at age four. The worry is always there in your mind before these operations.

My DIL always insisted with each operation after the ICU that one adult was with my GS at all times to be an advocate in case my GC was in pain or he needed someone to speak up, which happened three times when I was with him. I spent many hours day and overnight taking turns sitting with my GS or looking after his older brother at home. It does help to be involved rather than wondering if you GC is okay.

It's a shame for children who love their GPs to be denied contact. I would offer to my DD if she needs you to sit with your GS when she is not able to that you could be available at any time. I would also buy him a small gift, such as a book or something to keep him occupied. Possibly let your DD know its there at the desk. Other than that sadly with your DD there is not much you can do. Best wishes

thank you all for your suggestions and caring comments. I have sort of decided I will not involve the hospital at all apart from leaving a card and present to be given to him and will tell my daughter not go behind her back as I think this is asking for trouble.I will ask her if I could visit for a short time but only when it is convenient for her and stressing I am aware of the worry she must be going through so will only go at a time convenient to her. If I get a no I will just have to leave the card and pressie though my grandson will wonder why nana came to the ward but did not see him. She has a husband of 12 years who is wonderful but he is stressed out at present as he is afraid she will leave him again if he doesnt do what she asks. He has renovated the home and bought a car for her and hates this situation. I think he only stays put because of his son.

More unpleasantness.

thank you all for your support while my GS was in hospital he is thank god recovering at home and can manage a wheelchair frighteningly well. Watch your toes! I didnt visit whilst he was in hospital for the 8 days and sent him a card and present. I didnt trouble the hospital staff apart from on the first day when the nurse said dont worry im sure all will be well but he is still in theatre after 8 hours. Was not allowed to see him as apparently no one was allowed at the home until he was recuperating properly so i got my usual 1 hour visit only to find all the family there in the lovely sunshine and after 1 hour i was told quietly by my son in law it was time to go. I felt so humiliated as we were all chatting away and having a lovely time and GS showing off a bit in his chair. I feel like walking away and would appreciate some views ladies. I dont mean loose contact with him, i sent him a letter and pocket money last week and Easter card on its way but i feel so ill myself as there was a bbq that night which everyone expected me to be going to but i just had to smile and say i wouldnt be going but hoped to see them all again soon. I cant abide grovelling to my daughter for a visit as the new tactic is he would rather see his friends, of course he would thats natural but I feel if i am to go on like this i will lose the plot

Why did your son in law say time to go?

my son in law said time to go as my daughter had gone out so that she would not see me and was due back. Goodness only knows what everybody thought as you might slip to the shops for 5 mins if youve forgotten something but an hour ...I suspect they all know something but what i dont know

This is all so difficult and sad marylane.For the sake of your grandson you can only continue as you are keeping a low profile.
Keep in touch with your grandson as much as you are allowed to do then build your own life. Put the problems to one side and do some enjoyable things for yourself. Allow a small window to think about your daughter then put it away and live your life.
I know it's clichéd and not easy but life is for living. Wish I could help more.