Fighting grandsons - what to do?

I'd try writing a rota as to whose turn it is first and and alarm for changeover time.Any arguing for either of them and the X box goes for a week.
I'd also have a snack and a drink ready the moment they walk in your house.

Remember we only usually see part of the disagreement. We usually see the bit once the situation has got to the physical bit, we don't always see the provocation that may have gone before it. Remember younger siblings are masters of the art of 'Ow, get off, Nana he's hurting meeeeeee!' at which point we rush in to rescue the victim and wreak vengence on the agressor!

Your daughter's house rules, which are already in place, perhaps need reviewing together then you can use them in your house too if you want. It's a good idea to make them very visible as a way of reminding everyone how to behave, even better if the children help make a poster or notice with them displayed. The fewer the better 3-4 maximum and make them positive not negative using phrases like 'We are kind to each other' not 'No hitting', 'Use indoor voices' not 'Don't shout'.

Be positive with lots of specific praise for being kind, sharing, etc. when you see it - all the behaviours you want to be repeated. So saying things like, 'Well done Sam, that was good sharing' are much better than a general, albeit well meant, 'Good boy'. It may feel artificial at first but keep at it and you will find it easier.

Be consistent, try to identify the build up to the problems and defuse them before they tip over into fighting.

Time out to calm down works well as long as it is not viewed just as a punishment, so make sure it's in a place with calming down activities close by.

I'd also suggest regularly stopping the car at the local park (if there is one) on the way home from school so that the boys can let off steam and get some fresh air after hours spent in the classroom.

Good luck, hope these suggestions help.

Sympathies GrannyA11i In my case the fighting is between two DGD's. DGS usually disappears when they start but has been known to 'join in' to wind them both up! DGD1 has always had a short fuse (very much like her mum). DGD2 is a more stable personality but is learning behaviours from her big sister and has now begun to snatch and hit her back. I either try to defuse the situation by removing one of them under some pretext or let them fight it out but DGD1 will kick (even in the stomach), punch, throw objects, pull hair out, is generally violent to me as well as her siblings and becomes dangerous when she loses control. She has recently started to scream and yell 'Shut up, Shut up, Shut up' repeatedly so that speaking to her calmly is not an option. If I try to remove her from the situation she kicks and punches and accuses me of child abuse! She throws toys, clothes and wrecks the bedrooms when I do get her upstairs.

She has improved slightly in that episodes are now shorter and she has learned to say sorry afterwards (not convinced that she means it). I tell her when she is calm that I will always love her but I do not like that behaviour. Little sister is often terrified by her and big brother often tells me he hates her.

I could say that her parents' difficult break up could be a factor but she has been like this since she was a toddler. Tantrums could last several hours then! As I said earlier she has a very similar personality to her mum who has been known to react in the same way.

On the positive side, in between she tells me she loves me and is always ready with kisses and cuddles. She is able to play with her sister beautifully for hours but she is so unpredictable.

Just realised how much I have gone on and how much this has upset me. I have brought up DSs single handed and worked with children with behavioural difficulties and autism but feel helpless in this situation. As you say Granny my time with them can be 'ruined' by this behaviour.

Children have to be engaged (in the simplest way) if you are to children control undesirable behaviour. I listen to DH ranting at our GSs sometimes when they start acting loudly or physically. They pay little or no attention.

Children rarely do if you just tell them.

Someone upthread had the right idea. You have to ask them a question that will require an answer thus engaging their attention and making them think. Nearly all teachers know this.