Daughter and I are not speaking

FrodoVagins - No - my DD is not reacting to any favouritism on my behalf. I have told her that any of the children are welcome to come and stay with me overnight - individually or perhaps two/three at a time at the most. Only one DGD asks if she can come and stay so that is more regular. Apart from that I am usually asked to look after DGC at DD's house - which doesn't particularly suit me but is the way DD prefers. Up to now I've done as much as I can. The requests were not so frequent when I was married (divorced 4 years now) and then looked after my own DM until she died 2 years ago. Since I am now a "free agen"t the number of requests have increased steadily - along with the growth in my DD family and her work commitments.

Oh dear! I wonder whatever made your DD think that was a reasonable request? I am sure all parents would like a childfree weekend once a month! Dream on!

I look after my 4 DGDs 2 x week after school (3-5:30)
I also do ad hoc childcare (with warning) for both DDs and sometimes that includes sleepovers. However there is no expectation for the ad hoc. If I am busy I say sorry no can do and nobody is upset. They appreciate, & I enjoy, the regular support I am able to give which cuts my DDs costs for after school childcare and makes it more viable for them to work.

If you can /want to offer regular support you need to say what you are able/prepared to do. Maybe alternate DGDs and DGSs if that works!

Really! If she wants your help it has to be on your terms. The fact that you now have more free time doesn't mean it all has to be at her disposal. Let her see how she gets on with out your help.

She is emotionally blackmailing you, for that reason alone you should stay firm, sounds like you have been a lovely caring helpful mum , you do not deserve to be put in this position, she needs to be adult enough to realise it's just not right to expect that from you ,unless in an emergency, stick to your guns or else she will expect more?

You know, after reading these posts it just brings it home what A holes kids can be. Emotionally blackmailing and holding the GKs to ransom unless we do this or that. I wouldn't go cap in hand at all to her, she is way out of order. No child should expect an elderly parent OR relative to care for five dependants all at once, it's above and beyond the call of duty!

She has 5 kids and expects some weekends off???????

Why do people have kids if they want weekends off?

I would not be bullied like that and peope who see her FB messages must think she is a chump, mother of 5 and can't behave herself.

Suppose she has another 2 and then gets a dog and that needs looking after and maybe you could paint the house while they're away????

She is not a child, she is the bloody mother now. Text in the middle of the night, my kids would not dare unless it were an emergency.

Sounds like spoilt brat who wants everything her own way, you have to decide whether you want to be on speaking terms given the conditions demanded, how genuine is the releationship overall if you are part servant part whipping boy?

How do the kids feel about being farmed out once a month?

You cant take care of other peope unless you take care of yourself, she has been unreasonable and rude, and publicly so, FB posts are bullying, how is she going to treat you when you are old and vulnerable?

Sort out the respect issue now.

I can quite understand why you said you would not have all 5. However, it is not what you say but the way that you say it. I think I would have said " Oh, sorry sweetheart, I'd love to but I am afraid that as I am getting on now I simply can't manage 5 for a whole weekend. I get so tired. Is there another solution ? " .

Surely any daughter would understand that .

Wow!! Abuse like that is NOT ACCEPTABLE under any circumstances! All too often I'm reading about daughters/sons holding their children to ransom against grandparents - if you don't do this then you won't see them at all. I have also seen this happen myself many times.

I would certainly not get in touch for the time being. Let the dust settle first, and both you and your daughter can take some time to think about what's happened.

This is the thing - your DD needs you more than you need her it seems, and she may well do this again if you give in and set a precedent for the future.

People often vent their frustrations/anger on social media - seems to be the 'norm' these days, but don't be drawn in. Make no comment.

DD will need to come to you and take responsibility for her actions. You have nothing to feel bad about or apologise for.

My ex son in law would stop me seeing my grandkiddies if he perceived I had done something to upset him, even when I tried my hardest not to. Could your DD be under pressure from her partner to get you to have the children? Some partners can be very manipulative. I look after my three grandkiddies on a permanent basis as I live with my daughter who is now a single parent. She is working full time and is often late home and it is very tiring sometimes, especially as grandson is 13 and difficult to deal with sometimes. I have to remind my daughter sometimes that I am not 38 like she is!

Your DD has to realise that she is not actually entitled to a regular break. Is she gets one, it's a bonus. She also has no right to expect anyone to look after her children when she decides she wants to go somewhere without them. She's lucky that you're there for her.

Don't allow her to bully and blackmail you. As for posting personal info on facebook, that's a disgraceful way to behave. She's not a child, but she's certainly behaving like one.

Having children is a choice in the majority of cases
If you want someone to help you look after them then have the decency to go along with what is acceptable to the person whose help you want

My heart goes out to you in this. You deserve to be treated respectfully, especially as you do so much for her.

Our children don't realise that we don't have as much energy now.

I speak as someone with a difficult relationship with my elder daughter who can be very abusive. It always ends up with me apologising to keep the peace !

Hi, I think I remember your previous post about this. By any stretch, she is behaving dreadfully isn't she. I have no answer to why our adult children can be so thoughtless. I don't think there's a right or wrong action from your perspective. If you don't want to babysit, you don't need to, it's not a compulsory requirement of happening to be a grandparent. It's also in my view, not compulsory to talk further to your daughter when she hasn't apologised to you. With feelings running so high, I don't doubt that you love each other, but you might need to decide what you want to do, if anything, and stick to it. When she realises that she can't order you around, she may well change. It's just that it'll probably take a bit of time. She's an adult. It's her life and the children are her responsibility.

*Lucky girl" gives good advice ...stay cool, express things as what you can do as opposed to what you cant...in your position I would spend time talking about the future rather than discussing an apology. Text her (if that is your usual communication method) and say that when she feels ready it would be good to meet up and discuss the future with regard to what help you can offer.
Regarding the agreeing to have the 3 girls how can she "insist" on a reply...another time maybe just reply saying you are going to think about it and will get back to her tomorrow...then switch phone to silent and ignore her texts!!

I am concerned for you that your daughter clearly is manipulating you with her behaviour and the having the grandchildren is becoming a chore rather than a pleasure and from her perspective appears to be becoming a "right". It makes me wonder if this attitude and behaviour is actually impacting on much wider issues in your relationship than childcare? Only you can answer that.For instance, her references to her father ...hmmm ..bet that is trying to press your guilt/ don't want to be like him buttons!

Just remember she needs you more than you need her. Stand your ground. I have had to do similar myself in the past and my daughter eventually realised that, although I am willing to help, she mustn't abuse me. We still have the odd word but boundaries need to be established.

Crikey, you hear the word 'entitled' a lot now, but this really takes the cake!

I didn't have a 'break' from my two until the elder was 16 and they could both be left. By which time, Dh and I felt as if we were off for a dirty weekend - it was actually 4 nights abroad for a wedding.

When dds were small I never even thought of asking either my mother or MiL, both of whom had had 4 of their own.

My sister used to have her 4 young GCs two at a time just now and then for a weekend, to give their parents a break, but she said even that was very tiring.

Here's a thought for your dd, OP - what a nephew and his wife seem to do now and then is for one of them to have a boys' or girls' weekend away, while the other looks after the kids. They take turns - seems fair enough.

I'm going to repeat my initial post when you raised this problem. If your daughter can afford a weekend away once a month .... Then perhaps suggest she has a bi-monthly weekend and pay an agency, child sitting service or whatever, to look after the children.

She sounds extremely selfish and immature. Facebook! Just confirms my thought that she's immature. I don't know how she finds time for that rubbish with her large family.

My best advice is carefully explain your rules for childcare AND STICK TO THEM. Good luck whatever you decide.

My son has 8 children. I love them all dearly, but I told him from the get-go, these children are YOURS, if you want a break, wear something or get it snipped! I am a grandmother, there to love my grandchildren, not a babysitter. DS's wife used to say they couldn;t afford a babysitter, and I would reply, then you can;t afford 8 children surely! Always with a smile on my face and twinkle in my eye.
They have lots of kids, its also lots of work, that's their problem! I'm betting your daughter will apologise first, you have nothing to be sorry for, just lay the ground rules, that doesn't mean you don't love the dgc, it just means you're entitled to your own life! Whats she going to do when all five of HER kids come running each with five kids of their own wanting her to babysit when all she wants is a bit of peace and quiet later on? lol.

Horrible situation and I agree with everything posted here so far.

My reaction is that the Partner is probably putting pressure on your daughter, and she is terrified of the relationship breaking down without child free time.

BUT, sadly for her, that is THEIR problem, and THEIR responsiblilty.

I will have up to three of my DGCs - for one day or for a good reason overnight and collected after breakfast. Good reason doesn't include a jolly weekend without the kids!
I am astonished at how demanding and rude your DD is! Something like my rising 3 grandson when he doesn't get his way.
Don't capitulate to such an unreasonable demand. She's lucky you are there for emergencies and occasional childminding. Many young women live far from their families and cope with no support; my heart breaks for one of my offspring on the other side of the world with no-one to call for in times of crisis.

I am afraid a whole generation has grown up with negotiation rather than just being told what to do. So now they hold the trump card we are suffering the consequences!

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and constructive comments.

I'm not going allow my DD to treat me this way although I will try to choose my words carefully LouP.

A cooling off period is probably the best plan. Mother's Day is in a few weeks and I'm hopeful that things with DD will have improved by then.

Doesn't she need you as much if not more than you need her. It she stops you seeing the grandchildren then she looses all the baby sitting. Cutting of her nose to spite her face I think that is called.

Asking you to take all 5 gcs afor a whole weekend each month is just taking the mick!! Maybe as a one-off for something very special then OK BUT otherwise totally unacceptable. If you feel you don't want to do it/ can't cope with all 5 , or whatever, say so!
I don't have gcs yet but know several people who are regarded as ready-made free babysitters who should be available at the drop of a hat. Why should you, you've done your bit in bringing up your own children, now it's "me" time"

Would your daughter speak to a paid child minder in the entitled was she speaks to you? I think she is out of order and you must stand up for yourself.
Tell her you love your grandchildren and want to look after them but on your terms.