Gransnet forums


Could this be some kind of sibling rivalry or jealousy?

(31 Posts)
icbn2802 Tue 14-Mar-17 12:58:26

I recently learnt that I'm to become a nana for the 2nd time. I still have a few baby bits stored in my spare bedroom-daughter said she didn't want them, claiming her son would be her one & only child. Now my other daughter is expecting I've been aaking the mum of the 3 year old whether it's worth keeping hold of these 'bits' for when her sister has her baby. On each occasion she's basically saying 'no-I doubt she'd want it' not a hint of a suggestion that it's an idea even worth considering. I must admit its stumped me a bit. And I'm not even sure how I should feel & indeed what to do with these baby bits, trying to have a ruthless & long overdue declutter.
Do I just get rid & say no more or offer these bits to the expectant mum? Feel a bit torn to be honest but don't want to get it wrong.

nina1959 Tue 14-Mar-17 13:03:24


I dropped some stuff off at a charity shop last week and a very young couple were pleading for baby stuff. They looked like they had very little and it sounded like they'd appreciate anything offered.

tanith Tue 14-Mar-17 13:21:29

You don't really need her 'permission' to offer them as they are in your house anyway, I'd just offer them before they go to the charity shop, you never know she might grateful.

Ana Tue 14-Mar-17 13:27:54

Yes, why on earth can't you just ask the expectant mum whether she'd like the things? What's it got to do with your other daughter?

Anya Tue 14-Mar-17 14:09:44

Just ask.

icbn2802 Tue 14-Mar-17 14:17:35

Just spoken to my daughter again. Basically think it's just a case of as she wouldn't want second hand stuff she's assuming her sister wouldn't either. I think I'm just a bit paranoid worrying unnecessarily that there may be tensions or rivalry developing. I'm an only child so I don't understand about that kind of thing.

tanith Tue 14-Mar-17 14:34:50

I think you are overthinking this and seeing problems that more than likely only exist to you. Just offer them and the do whatever you need to do with them.

jacksmum Tue 14-Mar-17 14:36:38

Congratulations on the forthcoming new babies x i would just keep the things you have , there have been many a time when my GC were little and have been at my house and there has been the need for clean clothes and something spilt on their clothes or some other reason , or when they are older a change of clothes needed to be out in garden, its amazing also what parents sometimes forget when they come for a visit with little ones, thankfully my daughter has never told me not to give children second hand clothes or toys ,i always make sure they are clean ,

Ilovecheese Tue 14-Mar-17 14:44:43

I am not sure you are overthinking but I don't think it is anything to worry about. I have felt the same sort of thing between two of my daughters when the latest grandchild arrived, maybe a little worry that I would love the new grandchild more than the others. of course, you and I know that it is nonsense, that we love them all the same, but maybe sisters never quite grow out of that rivalry. They still love each other dearly though. I would accept that we only children don't quite understand, but that it is nothing to worry about.

Christinefrance Tue 14-Mar-17 15:05:12

I agree with tanith, if your daughter doesn't want the baby things then a charity shop will be glad of them. Don't over think things.
Enjoy the new baby and don't worry. smile

Hilltopgran Tue 14-Mar-17 15:10:30

Sometimes it is useful to have some back up clothes, toys equipment at your own house for emergency situstions. Have to say I think passed on within a family is different from brought second hand. Young parents are very lucky if they can afford everything new, many can not.

Deedaa Tue 14-Mar-17 18:23:27

Most of DS's son's clothes are 4th hand, having already been worn by his two cousins and DD's daughter's best friend's daughter. Certainly all the boys would have been very short of clothes without eBay.

Starlady Thu 16-Mar-17 08:05:10

Congratulations on the coming gb (grandbaby)!

But I'm not sure why you're asking one dd (dear daughter) about offering baby bits to the other? Did she buy them originally or were they items you purchased for your home for her convenience or in case of emergencies? Did you ever tell her they were hers/gs's only or did you say they were for any gc who came to your home?

No matter. Even if they were hers, she chose to give them up, so now they're yours. I feel as if you're asking her permission to offer them to the expectant mum when you don't have to. What are you hoping she'll say? "Great idea!" Obviously, she's not going to, whether it's because she really doesn't like handmedowns or because of sibling rivalry. Really, like pps, I think you should just offer them to the expectant mum and see what she says. If she wants them, great! If not, you can give them to a charity or whatever you want.

Enjoy that gb!

hildajenniJ Thu 16-Mar-17 08:42:11

Ask her wether she would like the baby things. If she says no, then take them to a charity shop, or do what my DD did with all her baby stuff. She sold them on eBay in batches. Their family was complete (four children), so there was no point in keeping them.

rosesarered Thu 16-Mar-17 08:53:28

What is the problem, when the new baby is born, ask your daughter if she would like the clothes/equipment?
I understand your query though, you don't know why your other daughter would be so
Emphatic about her sister 'not wanting them'.
There is often rivalry with siblings, so it could be the case, or may just be that she thinks her sister would want 'all brand new' things.
Either way, don't worry about it.

Grannybags Thu 16-Mar-17 09:59:45

Congratulations on the new baby. I would just say I'm taking all these things to the charity shop, is there anything you would like before it goes.

Nelliemaggs Thu 16-Mar-17 10:58:28

I am thankful that my daughters are not precious about what their children inherit or acquire from charity shops/eBay for their children. My DIL is quite different and wouldn't even go in cheaper stores for hers.

But my friend's DD took the biscuit, getting rid of all her baby stuff when pregnant with her second and buying everything again new because she didn't want the second baby (same sex) to be treated differently from her older sibling who had everything brand new. Out went the Moses basket, bouncing chair and all. Certainly not very wealthy either.

icbn in your situation I would ask DD2 directly but expect her to say no and be pleased if she proves her sister wrong. Then just get on with enjoying exciting times ahead.

One of my daughters has a one and only and she has given everything from crib onwards to our local woman's refuge. When the girls eventually get rehoused they need everything for their babies. Failing that there are charity shops and anything unwanted which is too big for charity shops we Freecycle.

Yorkshiregel Thu 16-Mar-17 11:02:02

Difficult one, but I would offer them and if she doesn't want them then give them to a charity shop. I ordered a cot buffer for one of my dil's when she was pregnant and she said they were old fashioned so I gave them to Oxfam. No doubt they will make good use of them. Everything helps. Make sure she knows they are not second hand, some people have a problem with passing on germs to babies.

Victoria08 Thu 16-Mar-17 11:02:44

Grannybags. You got it in one.

Simple. Say no more after that.

Yorkshiregel Thu 16-Mar-17 11:07:37

Forgot to say, CONGRATULATIONS! Enjoy the new baby and don't worry about your daughters falling out. That is their business not yours so don't get dragged in. No doubt you love them both and you do not want to be used as pig in the middle treading on egg shells. I hope your daughter has an easy birth xxx BIG HUGS!

maryhoffman37 Thu 16-Mar-17 11:12:03

Why on earth are you asking the daughter who isn't pregnant and not the one who is?

radicalnan Thu 16-Mar-17 11:13:56

When I offered my D her wn old clothes, which were pretty posh and expensive when new she said 'no thanks'. Now it is all 'have you kept my stuff it's vintage you know'.I had kept a few more unusual bits.

We love charity shops and e bay and she donates on Freecycle toys and equipment.Re cycling whatever way it's done is the way to go.

I so long to see our Rose in her mother's things but think she will look at them and think nannie is mad and just use them for dressing up.

Cagsy Thu 16-Mar-17 11:25:00

Congratulations on the new arrival, hope you have a lovely, healthy grandchild. Pleased to say my DD and DiL often look in charity shops and on eBay. DD had our first DGC, can't believe he's 10 this month, and we bought fairly expensive Bugaboo, pram/ buggy combo - which was never used much as DD usually had them in a sling whilst babies then walking or on a scooter or bike after that. DDiL was very happy to have it for her two - although I offered a new one, and now my niece has made good use of it, her second still in it. That's what I call value.
In our area there is a charity called Baby Basics who provide for Mums to be who are in need, a Moses basket ot baby bath is filled with nappies, clothes (can be 2nd hand if in good condition) and other items for baby and a few treats for Mum too, if there's one in your area I'm sure they'd be glad of any donations.
This poor planet of ours is in crisis, people getting rid of perfectly good stuff just because they can is consumerism gone mad in my opinion.

quizqueen Thu 16-Mar-17 11:54:34

My daughter is happy and grateful for new or second hand clothes and toys for her children but will only put her daughters in clothes she likes and that is her choice as they are HER children. So some of the stuff I kept in store from when they were little or items I bought in sales in preparation for having grandchildren she took and some she didn't. What's there to be offended about! I wouldn't wear anything I didn't like. However, I know her tastes so I am fairly secure when I buy things for the grandchildren that they will be liked. The only time I was sad when was she wouldn't take a dress her own godmother has bought for her for after hee Christening as she thought the neck was too tight but it didn't go to waste as it went on a doll!!

joannewton46 Thu 16-Mar-17 12:32:16

I still have the cot and soft top pram from my children. I doubt they will want the pram now as things are so different these days but they live away so I will keep it for when they visit, a baby can at least sleep in it. The cot I hope one of them would want as it's a nice carved wooden one.
We have a local recycling group in Chelmsford and there are always baby items being offered and asked for so if your second daughter really doesn't want things, I am sure you will find a good home for them. Just make sure she knows she won't hurt your feelings by saying no.