Help with DIL

The OP's behaviour does sound over the top and interfering but I think she's seen the error of her ways!

A good friend has a DIL from overseas - early in the marriage and pre-children, the DIL sent a long multi-page diatribe to my friend detailing each and every one of her faults and then refused all contact and attempts at mediation by friend's DS.

My friend is very kind and generous but was/is totally over-involved in the lives of her sons. I can quite see how the DIL felt overwhelmed and reacted the way she did. TBH I thought many of accusations were a bit petty but obviously they must have upset her. I can't remember how long the estrangement lasted, maybe a year, and somehow things were patched up and all is reasonable now.

The OP, like my friend, through no ill-intent over-stepped the boundaries but I hope she manages to achieve a happy outcome.

Most of this can be summed up in one phrase - disrespect of dil as baby's mother. If she says no to something concerning baby, you need to stop. Better yet, ask first. Until you and dh learn to respect her wishes as dgd's mum - and give her and dgd some space - things won't get better. Work on your attitude.

Tbf, you have a right to invite people to your home. If I'm reading correctly, that's where ds and family were staying when you did that. However, it would have been wiser and kinder to ask dil if she were ready for visitors since she had just recently given birth.

About dh touching her boobs - He must have been trying to touch baby while she was breastfeeding or reaching across her in an awkward way while she was holding baby. Either way, he was out of line.

I'm sorry about the window incident. I'm sure dh was holding baby firmly and didn't mean any harm. Just a proud gf, showing off his new gd! But if dil doesn't trust him because of it, I don't think you people will be babysitting any time soon - sorry.

Obviously, you were both over-excited, as you admit. But you need to rein it in.

I think it's good that you let ds know you want to apologize. He will surely repeat that to dil and it will help. But dh needs to apologize, too - his behavior was as bad or worse than yours, imo. And you both need to make up your minds to treat dil with more respect. Keep the list you wrote down, maybe, so you can remind yourselves of the kinds of things you shouldn't do.

Hope everything gets smoothed out in the near future!

I've been following this for a while, hoping for a happy resolution, but Jesus, reading the list of things you and your DH did wrong, that's not going to happen any time soon!

I believe that you mean well, and have no malicious intentions. I also believe that you will do what you can to fix the situation with your DIL and son. Will your husband do the same though?

If he is not on board, and willing to apologise for his (actually quite hideous!) behaviour, I see a future without your Grandchild in it for you both.

All alarm bells are going off here. Why would your DH want to take pictures of a baby girl having a bath? Why was he lurking outside her bedroom door on several occasions? Accidentally touching her boobs when she is nursing her baby? I don't think so. I know that I would want to know to whom these photos had been sent to.

grandmaeurope I am not sure if this because you are writing not in your first language but you are giving the impression that you are surprised that your DIL was upset by the various actions taken by you and/or your husband that you listed in your most recent post. Some may well be a misunderstanding but to be honest several of them appear shockingly insensitive and thoughtless. I believe that you didn't mean them to be but they were! I am also wondering if you need to think about how you come over to your DIL when speaking? Tone of voice? Facial expressions? Body language? All such things are important and even more so when one is a new mother, drowning in hormones for a while and feeling sensitive and nervous in your new and scary motherhood role.

Your husbands behaviour sounds very insensitive too ...especially being in a position to accidentally touch your DIL whilst photographing ...that is seriously invading her space! Why on earth was he hanging around outside their room all the time ...what is going on in his head, doing that? I think you need to think about that with him, and also how all of the things on that list might have felt and looked to your DIL even if unintentionally.

I believe that excitement has run away with both of you to a point where you are unable to see clearly or empathise on how
this must have felt to your DIL, but the consequences of that
are potentially so sad for you and you really do need to think carefully how it can be different when they visit. I repeat ...think about how you are coming over as above and your husband needs to do the same. And think very very carefully about anything you are planning and how it might be experienced by others!! Good luck!

Thanks all for your answers.
Yes i am surprised. Written, all this seems terrible but it happenned during a period of 1,5 months.
judypark, i am shocked by your assumptions. It is simply wrong and not true.
I have a lot to reflect about. I did not know all the resentment my DIL has and i feel sorry for that.

You need to tread very carefully. Those saying that this can be fixed may be wrong.
She will never ever get those precious days back with her newborn. She may well look back at what should be the best days of her life and only feel sadness and anger. And that will be directed at you two.
When you visit are you staying in a hotel? I'd suggest you not stay in their home. This may be to much for her. If the visit goes ahead at all. She may need to take some time out.
I'd all have a very stern word with your husband! Dear God who the hell does he think he is?! He'd be lucky his head was still attached if I were her. More likely I'd never allow him to take another picture of my child again!

Grandmaeurope Understandably you feel sorry that your DIL feels like that but do you understand why she does, even though incidents were spread out over time?

Perhaps writing it down has helped you to gain some insight into how your behaviour was wrong and seeing the replies on here has helped you (and your DH) to understand that you have overstepped boundaries. I hope your DH will realise that too and you can both take a few steps back and mend fences.

Grandmaeurope Just wondering how the visit went this summer ...I know you were very worried about it and hope things turned out alright.

I really struggle to believe this post is real. However, if it is, as a DIL, I would suggest you back right off. How can you never have heard of breastfeeding on demand, or co-sleeping? Both are absolutely fine for the baby and are great things for your DIL to be doing so stop criticising them. I'm sorry to say this but it's not all about you. Your DIL is a grown up and is in charge of her own baby. For heavens sake don't wake up in the night and offer to help if the baby's crying, it would drive any DIL mad. Etc.

Perhaps it was all an elaborate fantasy, I too found it hard to swallow. Giving a breastfed baby an orange ?
Invading her space? Inappropriate touching?
Weird springs to mind.
I would simply reiterate what I said back in March.
Norah and others have said it better than I could.

Actually, not nearly as farfetched as you might imagine. From the context, I suspect Grandmaeurope is French or possibly Spanish. MILs in these countries are TREMENDOUSLY overbearing, telling DILs what to feed their children, how to get them to sleep, where they should sleep, etc, etc, etc, etc. I know, my MIL was Spanish. With the very best intentions, she drove me insane! When my first child was born she visited every afternoon, both in hospital and when we went home. After about three months of this, I told my Spanish husband to tell her that I was perfectly capable of caring for our daughter and to come less often. So she moved to coming every other day. She tried to feed her constantly (she was also breastfed) She grabbed her at every opportunity; My point is, she was not a rarity, or obsessed beyond what was considered normal. It was all in the name of what she thought was right, and born of her love for her new granddaughter. It was a nightmare for me, tho.

If the baby is breastfeeding you always need to ask if your granddaughter can have any other food. It wasn't that it was "just an orange" its that you are not respecting the mothers wishes.

I'd say back off with any advice , stop trying so hard (it adds undue pressure and makes you seem needy) and yes ask what they would like to do for their visit and ask if you can help in any way.

As for the comment you want to enjoy your granddaughter without the mother interfering, eek! If my mil ever said that I would not want her near me or my child, you need to work on your relationship with your son and dil even if you have to smile through gritted teeth at some of the choices they make as parents.

Did they go through with the summer visit, grandmaeurope? How did it go?

PearlJ ...the OP posted several months ago and the visit she asked advice about was supposed to be during the summer. I reactivated it by asking her how it went ...but it might be worth you reading the whole thread as your comments are a bit belated which you probably didn't realise. Easily done - but as it happened because I reactivated the thread, I thought it was only fair to avoid anyone wasting their time. I don't know if the OP will return to comment or not

Oh dear, Madgran, I see I repeated the same question, basically. Sorry. Didn't see yours till now.

But you're right - no way to know if op will return or not.