Ask a DIL...

I agree Leticia.

One of the major things I've seen is that MIL suddenly became very overbearing when baby is born. DIL plans on doing it one way, MIL wants to do it another way. The problem is MIL gets no say and quite often, unless as mentioned before there is a respectful relationship, DIL often feels pressured and it becomes overwhelming and too much and DIL feels unable to express her opinion.

I think there is an (understandable) enormous amount of pressure on FTMS. You constantly worry whether you're doing it right or wrong and you just stumble your way through those first months/years. Everything is new. As a personal note I do feel more relaxed now that I have a second as I feel I kinda know what i'm doing to some degree.

I felt my MIL tried to control aspects of my pregnancy, my medical information, the things I bought for my LO. I remember being told she was angry that I shared a detail of my pregnancy on facebook because it should've been kept "in the family". At this point I didn't have a close relationship with her and this came as a huge shock. I also remember being scolded for buying my first born a cot because other people wanted to buy it (as if I was taking something away from them.) I also remember close to my due date she was excited, understandably, and said "oh we are having a baby" This made me uneasy. I know it was most likely a harmless comment but it made me feel as if she felt she had a certain claim to my baby and as if I was nothing or kinda like I was expected to give her and the family my baby, while I needed to shut up and put up (as per having my medical information controlled and a lot of other comments)

From her perspective she perhaps did feel like I was meant to be having a baby for their side of the family and that it takes a village kind of mentality, but this mentality is neither shared by me or my DH, aka the parents. This differing in perspective and expectations are what cause problems.

Do your expectations match that of the parents? if not there are going to be problems if you are not able to readjust them based on what the parents want.

I do admit it would be nice to have an easy carefree relationship but alas people are so different.

My advice would be to leave the baby at home and go out with MIL, get to know each other and have fun!

I think that you and your MIL have a problematic relationship- I wouldn't project it on to other people.
As a mother or a grandmother I find I couldn't care less about 'first outfits' I had no idea it was 'a thing'.
I really can't see why I would feel happier leaving my baby with my mother than my MIL! They were equally to be trusted. I feel very pleased that I was laid back and didn't have 'rules'.

You know - you're probably right about the lighten up thing.

As you know having children is a whirlwind and you never get a moments peace. You don't have the wisdom of 50+ years of life, you try to do your best and an innocent comment can make you feel like you're not doing good enough and it really brings you down. You worry about this and that and it can make you quite anxious. Daily life is a juggling act within itself so I suppose it can make DILs susceptible to taking things personally when they are not meant.

From what I read most of the problems seem to occur with a new baby and do lighten up once they can walk and talk and have opinions of their own. Also the mother relaxes more as they get older, or they have more than one child.

Quite simply - some mothers just don't feel the need, want or desire to be away from their little ones as they enjoy being with them and don't want a break.

A first outfit is like a my first Christmas outfit. This doesn't bother me but I know some DIL's I've spoken to, this has been a little bit of an issue as it tends to be a "first" - a new mother gets to buy her little one their first Christmas outfit. Its meant to be an exciting experience and some DILs want this for themselves, naturally. I don't personally see it as a big issue but I do know some that do and are bothered by it.

I think that girls tend to be more lenient of their mothers and probably tolerate more than they would from their MIL which is unfair. Both should be treated fairly in terms of their relationships. A relationship between a mother and a MIL is not the same, however. A woman is probably more likely to trust and feel secure with their own mother watching their LO. Its because they have been raised by their mother and know the parenting style. Also they might find it easier to tell them how to look after LO.

I think in terms of a power struggle sometimes it is. A LOT of DILs think MILs try and continue being the "authority" figure if you like, despite DIL being a peer and an adult. The PIL believe they get to ovverule DIL and make decisions, or feel entitled to make choices about what baby eats, sleeps, naps, drinks, where baby goes, parental choices. They probably don't mean to but often come across controlling and overbearing, while the MIL isn't understanding what they've done to offend DIL. Some DILs are insecure as are some MILS. They're both just people.

Yes i'm going to be a MIL one day and hope I can be a good MIL (as I bet some of you are!)

Unfortunately some people are just not so nice, doesn't matter if they're girls, boys, adults, old, sick, smart, professional. People are just people with a standard amount of variation.

Well said MawBroon.
Lighten up is the main thing.

Forgive me for stating the obvious but most of us have been DILs in our time, have navigated our way through relationships with our MILs and have (be,ieve it or not) brought up children.
Teaching granny to suck eggs is tempting and I dare say we were as guilty in our day as any. But some of the attitudes I read about make me suspect that there are some very insecure DILs out there who view the prospect of a meaningful relationship with their MIL as a battlefield, a power struggle, an area of expertise in which it is "my way or the highway".
OP seems to be laying out or attempting to explain "rules of engagement".
Lighten up girls, your MIL might just conceivably be right sometimes and believe it or not, she loves your babies, her grandchildren - not in a possessive territorial sense but usually in an unselfish and generous way.
Our generation did not have access to the Granny-based childcare that sees to be taken for granted today, it was usually a case of "my children, my problem"
Perplexed by where an issue might be stemming from? Perhaps, or perhaps MIL is too polite to mention that DIL is behaving like a spoilt brat because of course to even think along those lines means the dreaded threatened NC route. Another millennial invention.
I am eternally grateful that my DDs are not like that. I for my part try to remember to back off even if I think the latest theories are bonkers, but we all have to find our own way through life.
You make it sound as if it is a case of "MILs are from Mars, DILs are from Venus" we are not a different species and in a decade or two, wait and see, you will have morphed into us.

Why is this question only about one particular grandmother? Are mothers of girls not problems? It seems very odd to me that only mothers of sons want to buy outfits have overnight stays etc.

Ours seemed to have lots of outfits bought for them when they were born - what is a 'first outfit' please?

DIL always seems happy if I buy anything for the DGC.

Why would it bother you if loving grandparents would like their grandchildren overnight ?

I have 4 grandchildren and I have had 2 overnight from week 1 . The other 2 were breastfed so no overnights, but plenty of day time visits. Both my daughters are happy for me to have them, feed them , buy outfits etc. After all, as soon as they start school and gain a bigger social life you naturally see less of them as visits are more weekend focussed.

Perhaps I'm lucky to not have DiLs.

I also think the problem lies with a lot of MIL's not having a good relationship prior to the birth of the grandchild, who suddenly (and I suppose naturally) want more involvement/visits with the son and DIL now the new baby is here than previously. Whereas often DIL's want the same frequency of visits, or maybe even less visits so that they can have more family time. Its very obvious and transparent when a MIL wants to visit more because there's a new baby, as when MIL visits she should visit the son and DIL as a family (they are people too!) and also at a mutually convenient time (which, as you know with a newborn most days are surviving one to the next)

Yes I totally agree Leticia. A good relationship is a good foundation, and if both sides are respectful then all the rest falls into place naturally, surely? Although I have had a difficult relationship with my MIL and its a shame that things have broken down in the past. Its really interesting to see things from the other person's perspective, as its very hard to look at our own behaviours objectively and to be unbiased.

A LO is a little one!
Haha, maybe he's just not into frozen!

Thank you.
I have a question - what is an LO?
Oh, and another one - why won't my grandson wear the 'Frozen' onesie I bought him?

I assume that you have a difficult MIL! I can't image wanting to do any of the things you mention. I think that both sides need to be more laid back rather than talking about 'rules'. We have all been the DIL. The best thing is to have a good relationship before grandchildren.