Ask a DIL...

I assume that you have a difficult MIL! I can't image wanting to do any of the things you mention. I think that both sides need to be more laid back rather than talking about 'rules'. We have all been the DIL. The best thing is to have a good relationship before grandchildren.

Thank you.
I have a question - what is an LO?
Oh, and another one - why won't my grandson wear the 'Frozen' onesie I bought him?

Yes I totally agree Leticia. A good relationship is a good foundation, and if both sides are respectful then all the rest falls into place naturally, surely? Although I have had a difficult relationship with my MIL and its a shame that things have broken down in the past. Its really interesting to see things from the other person's perspective, as its very hard to look at our own behaviours objectively and to be unbiased.

A LO is a little one!
Haha, maybe he's just not into frozen!

I also think the problem lies with a lot of MIL's not having a good relationship prior to the birth of the grandchild, who suddenly (and I suppose naturally) want more involvement/visits with the son and DIL now the new baby is here than previously. Whereas often DIL's want the same frequency of visits, or maybe even less visits so that they can have more family time. Its very obvious and transparent when a MIL wants to visit more because there's a new baby, as when MIL visits she should visit the son and DIL as a family (they are people too!) and also at a mutually convenient time (which, as you know with a newborn most days are surviving one to the next)

Why would it bother you if loving grandparents would like their grandchildren overnight ?

I have 4 grandchildren and I have had 2 overnight from week 1 . The other 2 were breastfed so no overnights, but plenty of day time visits. Both my daughters are happy for me to have them, feed them , buy outfits etc. After all, as soon as they start school and gain a bigger social life you naturally see less of them as visits are more weekend focussed.

Perhaps I'm lucky to not have DiLs.

Ours seemed to have lots of outfits bought for them when they were born - what is a 'first outfit' please?

DIL always seems happy if I buy anything for the DGC.

Why is this question only about one particular grandmother? Are mothers of girls not problems? It seems very odd to me that only mothers of sons want to buy outfits have overnight stays etc.

Forgive me for stating the obvious but most of us have been DILs in our time, have navigated our way through relationships with our MILs and have (be,ieve it or not) brought up children.
Teaching granny to suck eggs is tempting and I dare say we were as guilty in our day as any. But some of the attitudes I read about make me suspect that there are some very insecure DILs out there who view the prospect of a meaningful relationship with their MIL as a battlefield, a power struggle, an area of expertise in which it is "my way or the highway".
OP seems to be laying out or attempting to explain "rules of engagement".
Lighten up girls, your MIL might just conceivably be right sometimes and believe it or not, she loves your babies, her grandchildren - not in a possessive territorial sense but usually in an unselfish and generous way.
Our generation did not have access to the Granny-based childcare that sees to be taken for granted today, it was usually a case of "my children, my problem"
Perplexed by where an issue might be stemming from? Perhaps, or perhaps MIL is too polite to mention that DIL is behaving like a spoilt brat because of course to even think along those lines means the dreaded threatened NC route. Another millennial invention.
I am eternally grateful that my DDs are not like that. I for my part try to remember to back off even if I think the latest theories are bonkers, but we all have to find our own way through life.
You make it sound as if it is a case of "MILs are from Mars, DILs are from Venus" we are not a different species and in a decade or two, wait and see, you will have morphed into us.

Well said MawBroon.
Lighten up is the main thing.

Quite simply - some mothers just don't feel the need, want or desire to be away from their little ones as they enjoy being with them and don't want a break.

A first outfit is like a my first Christmas outfit. This doesn't bother me but I know some DIL's I've spoken to, this has been a little bit of an issue as it tends to be a "first" - a new mother gets to buy her little one their first Christmas outfit. Its meant to be an exciting experience and some DILs want this for themselves, naturally. I don't personally see it as a big issue but I do know some that do and are bothered by it.

I think that girls tend to be more lenient of their mothers and probably tolerate more than they would from their MIL which is unfair. Both should be treated fairly in terms of their relationships. A relationship between a mother and a MIL is not the same, however. A woman is probably more likely to trust and feel secure with their own mother watching their LO. Its because they have been raised by their mother and know the parenting style. Also they might find it easier to tell them how to look after LO.

I think in terms of a power struggle sometimes it is. A LOT of DILs think MILs try and continue being the "authority" figure if you like, despite DIL being a peer and an adult. The PIL believe they get to ovverule DIL and make decisions, or feel entitled to make choices about what baby eats, sleeps, naps, drinks, where baby goes, parental choices. They probably don't mean to but often come across controlling and overbearing, while the MIL isn't understanding what they've done to offend DIL. Some DILs are insecure as are some MILS. They're both just people.

Yes i'm going to be a MIL one day and hope I can be a good MIL (as I bet some of you are!)

Unfortunately some people are just not so nice, doesn't matter if they're girls, boys, adults, old, sick, smart, professional. People are just people with a standard amount of variation.

From what I read most of the problems seem to occur with a new baby and do lighten up once they can walk and talk and have opinions of their own. Also the mother relaxes more as they get older, or they have more than one child.

You know - you're probably right about the lighten up thing.

As you know having children is a whirlwind and you never get a moments peace. You don't have the wisdom of 50+ years of life, you try to do your best and an innocent comment can make you feel like you're not doing good enough and it really brings you down. You worry about this and that and it can make you quite anxious. Daily life is a juggling act within itself so I suppose it can make DILs susceptible to taking things personally when they are not meant.

I think that you and your MIL have a problematic relationship- I wouldn't project it on to other people.
As a mother or a grandmother I find I couldn't care less about 'first outfits' I had no idea it was 'a thing'.
I really can't see why I would feel happier leaving my baby with my mother than my MIL! They were equally to be trusted. I feel very pleased that I was laid back and didn't have 'rules'.

My advice would be to leave the baby at home and go out with MIL, get to know each other and have fun!

I agree Leticia.

One of the major things I've seen is that MIL suddenly became very overbearing when baby is born. DIL plans on doing it one way, MIL wants to do it another way. The problem is MIL gets no say and quite often, unless as mentioned before there is a respectful relationship, DIL often feels pressured and it becomes overwhelming and too much and DIL feels unable to express her opinion.

I think there is an (understandable) enormous amount of pressure on FTMS. You constantly worry whether you're doing it right or wrong and you just stumble your way through those first months/years. Everything is new. As a personal note I do feel more relaxed now that I have a second as I feel I kinda know what i'm doing to some degree.

I felt my MIL tried to control aspects of my pregnancy, my medical information, the things I bought for my LO. I remember being told she was angry that I shared a detail of my pregnancy on facebook because it should've been kept "in the family". At this point I didn't have a close relationship with her and this came as a huge shock. I also remember being scolded for buying my first born a cot because other people wanted to buy it (as if I was taking something away from them.) I also remember close to my due date she was excited, understandably, and said "oh we are having a baby" This made me uneasy. I know it was most likely a harmless comment but it made me feel as if she felt she had a certain claim to my baby and as if I was nothing or kinda like I was expected to give her and the family my baby, while I needed to shut up and put up (as per having my medical information controlled and a lot of other comments)

From her perspective she perhaps did feel like I was meant to be having a baby for their side of the family and that it takes a village kind of mentality, but this mentality is neither shared by me or my DH, aka the parents. This differing in perspective and expectations are what cause problems.

Do your expectations match that of the parents? if not there are going to be problems if you are not able to readjust them based on what the parents want.

I do admit it would be nice to have an easy carefree relationship but alas people are so different.

Way too much pressure nowadays to be the perfect mum with the perfect baby who must have everything. Glad I was part of the muddle through generation. I couldn't have stood the pressure of failure that media, celebrity culture and self appointed experts put on new mums. No wonder everything feels like a criticism!

DIL all I can say is , that may well be your experience, but I don't recognise it. Neither I or co-grandparents have bought "Christmas outfits". I had not even heard of the phenomenon!
Yes we have knitted/crocheted /(bought) blankies or trawled John Lewis for tiny garments, who hasn't? Most young mums are grateful if their parents or PILs buy them their first travel system (which seems to come in at close to the price and size of a small family car these days) , the cot, high chair etc ( usually under instruction) or buy "spares" for visits so that parents don't have to transport half the nursery on a lunch visit.
I actually do not doubt your sincerity, but just don't see where you are coming from. If young parents want to be independent they have to behave like adults too. That includes mature reasoned behaviour, not spouting Gina Ford or YouTube as if their pronouncements came down from the mountain with Moses. It also includes not insisting on an entitlement to regular nights away for weddings/weekend breaks/hen or stag do's and assuming that Granny will be available to do overnight babysitting or sleepovers. She might be delighted to, but don't assume. And if you are entrusting your baby to her because you want a night out and a few drinks, have the good grace to trust her.
OK we might or have known first time that the picture goes on the front on a pampers nappy - but we taught you to eat off a spoon and we potty trained you so we can't be entirely stupid.
Rules? IMHO these do not belong in families.

The PIL believe they get to ovverule DIL and make decisions, or feel entitled to make choices about what baby eats, sleeps, naps, drinks, where baby goes, parental choices

Rubbish

Dear oh dear DIL, you have had an unfortunate experience. I don't recognise this scenario at all. I have 6 grandchildren. Their parents have the control in their upbringing. We are the providers of practical help, support and source of lots of unconditional love!

Jalima haven't you seen the threads where people declare "Gran's house, Gran's rules"? Sometimes they are referring to quite important things yet feel entitled to overrule the parents, or to go behind their backs.

I think FarNorth has the right idea. I would never "declare "Gran's house, Gran's rules"? Sometimes they are referring to quite important things yet feel entitled to overrule the parents, or to go behind their backs" my daughters would be rightly furious if we didn't follow their rules for their children. I have also never met a young woman who wants a "meaningful relationship" with MIL, rubbish, that.

I have indeed seen threads where people seem to think that sort of behaviour is acceptable, but I have also read of young women whose attitude to their MIL makes Les Dawson look positively enlightened!
This may not be Jeremy Kyle but there are some examples of intransigent behaviour from both sides. As for the contention about a meaningful relationship with a MIL - oh dear, not even you in your day?
Every teenager knows thinks it is right, that the previous generation are dinosaurs, and fuddy duddies, but that's a bit of a cliché and teenagers are not yet mature adults. Being a parent should be part of the maturing process so unless DIL is talking about very young and immature DILs , I would have hoped both they and their DH might show signs of growing up other than a territorial battle with their MIL.

Yes I do have some rules in my house such as I don't want my GC running around the house eating as I don't want marmite smeared all over my furniture and curtains , so I do say they should sit at the table to eat. I don't think there's anything wrong in that, if the parents don't mind crumbs all over their own house that's up to them. The parents don't mind they just say" nanny doesn't want your mess - do as she says". I would also prefer they kept felt tipped pens off the walls that sort of rule is fine if you are looking after them in your house. I think young parents get more uptight about new baby care and I can remember being the same.

I think that the problems all stem from a difficult relationship & although I read about them I happily haven't come across it myself. I think it all stems from expectations and rules. I agree with MawBroon that rules do not belong in families because as soon as either side have them they create problems.
Step one seems to be to make a relationship from the start that is not dependant on the husband/son. Get to know each other as people and spend time alone.
Step 2 is to have the grandparents equal in status- after all they are equal to the child. There are bound to be problems if one set are 'family' and the other set are 'visitors' and one set are trusted & allowed to get away with bad behaviour when the other set are not trusted in the same way and have to watch what they say & do. It seems odd to me that MIL is the one not trusted when she produced, through nature and nurture, the one person in the whole world that you have chosen to have a child with! She must have got something right!!
Step 3 is pick your battles and let go of the trivia. The outfit thing is trivia- babies get through lots of outfits & are not bothered what they wear. If a Christmas outfit is your thing- thankfully something I have never even thought about- there is plenty of time over the Christmas period for more than one.
If someone wants to buy you an expensive bit of baby equipment then let them! Put the money you have saved into a savings account for a time that you really need it- the teenage years.
I think that what goes around comes around. If you have been a laid back DIL yourself you are more likely to be a laid back MIL who will in turn get a laid back DIL.
Neither side should have 'expectations' - they may well be disappointed. Enjoy the journey together - new experiences for all.