Ask a DIL...

Baby1 you are so right. It is hurtful when they show you photos of the other MIL with your Grandchildren if you are not allowed to do things with them yourself, holidays come to mind. Sometimes you are not capable because of problem knees etc. Just tell yourself that they want to share the day with you by showing you the photos. They do not mean to upset you, but I do get it. Do not treat it as a competition. It is even worse if all the dil's do it believe me I know having had 3 sons. I have also had this treatment, but grit your teeth and smile. Do not cause problems for yourself. If you put up barriers you will be the loser in the end.

I get on well with my dil's and their mothers! Not that I still feel left out sometimes. How can you not be? Dil has a son, he wants to treat her to a day out this coming Mothers' Day. I can see why. She is a good Mother and he loves her. As does my son, but because they are going out I am left at home. So to compromise they are having me and OH round to their house on Saturday. There are ways and means of suiting everyone if you really want to.

Thank you for your post. I agree with a lot of what you said, and disagreed on a few things as well. I did get along with my future dil before the baby was born. After he was born I felt pushed out, invisible. I can understand not wanting others to babysit and request sleepovers and requesting to feed baby, however when the dil posts pictures of her parents doing all these things and telling you in indirect ways they are allowed these things, it’s very hurtful to the in laws. We are grandparents too. I never bought first outfits or corrected my dil in any way. I was 100 %supportive. When she acted as though it wasnt important if we were in their lives I did get resentful and started speaking up more. Sometimes a mil’s actions are a result of deep hurt from being made to feel invisible in their chikdren’s Lives. Eventually they are hurt so bad they put up a wall so they aren’t hurt anymore. Eventually you will push them away completely. I am only speaking for myself, but please try to respect her needs to, or one day when you really need her she may be intentionally unavailable. Best wishes!

DIL1991 I think it goes back to when the man went out to work and the wife stayed at home. if he was the one working then it seemed only fair that the wife took care of the home and say, the social side of things. Now that both usually have to work, that is probably changing, but these habits of thinking take some time to break.

I'm a DIL and I get along very well with my MIL. One thing that I notice with a lot of friends and peers is that MIL have high expectations of their DIL. One of the reasons my MIL and I get along so well is because my DH is the one who handles all of the day to day communication. Why is it that MILs expect DIL to be their son's personal secretaries.

yogagirl ha ha! Confusing or what!

Oh dear Madgran we know what happened now

Yogagirl I replied to your comment above on another thread (a living bereavement) where you posted the same comment....which I now realise is why |I couldn't find my comments on the other thread!!

Norah is not estranged from any of her AC yet is a main poster on these threads of support, making a big point of how happy her family are together, yet how her daughter's husbands have nothing to do with their mothers, all 4 of them

Well I will except your apology Madgran because if you care to scroll back to when Norah first mentioned about her 4Daughters not having there m.i.l's in their lives, Norah clearly said it was her Ds that did the cutting out! Afterwards she backtracked as she could see it sounded bad, but initially she did say it was her Ds doing the 'cutting out'. There are some posters who enjoy scrolling back over post, even 4yrs back, to copy & paste the original post in question, but I'm happy to say I am not one of them

yogagirl Norah has said continuously that her Sons in Law cut off their mothers; their wives ( Norahs daughters) are just supporting their husbands with decision!! I'm not sure why you don't seem to have picked up that point but it is beginning to read like you are deliberately trying to provoke Norah for some reason. I apologise if that is not the case.
I do not agree with quite a lot of what Norah says, but just provoking, if that is what it is, is frankly just boring!

A thing can be part of one's knowledge without being part of one's 'business' or responsibility.

So if a son-in-law didn't get on with his mother, and had nothing to do with her, it would automatically be his wife's fault, and by association her mother's fault for influencing her and inciting her to influence him?

In my experience, most adults (and their spouses) are quite capable of managing their own relationships with each other, their parents and their inlaws without interfering with each other's relationships or succumbing to interference. Those who can't are either immature themselves or tied too inescapably to demanding parents who want to be the main emotional influence in their children's lives for ever.

Norah I apologize, it's your 4 daughters that have cut out their m.i.ls not 3. How can it be none of your business when it's your 4daughters Of course it's your business! Theirs first, but still your business it's your daughters,you write about it all the time, so it's part of your life too isn't it

So just so I'm reading this right. Norah who enjoys a loving and strong relationship with all of her children is being critised and attacked for how she develops and handles that relationship by those who've been CO.

Ironic.

No, Yogagirl You refuse to understand. My 4 daughters have done nothing at all to their mils, the sons have co their miums. "Ammaz you need to ask your last question to Norah as all her 3 Daughters have cut out their m.i.l's" Not true at all. None of my business.

So supportive Rigby46!

Madgrann77 you got it!

Starlady, you haven't noticed how over- involved the mothers are with their daughter's? Controlling.

Perhaps the DiLs are assuming we're the same and are taking action to guard against that possibility!

Starlady I agree one would assume that DILs are acting independently as adults. However I am sometimes astounded by the influence and control that some mothers appear to have over their grown daughters ...it often seems to link to the daughters need to please her mother. I have observed this in the relationships of a number of my own daughters friends ...they are all struggling to be assertive with their mothers , despite being married and several with children. Having said that, I am astounded by the behaviour and expectations of their mothers too!!

Anmaz, you "often wonder if THEIR mum is behind it?" Are you saying dils aren't really adults? That their mums are really in charge? Isn't it this refusal to see dils (and dss) as independent adults perfectly capable of making up their own minds that often leads to broken relationships between mums/mils and their ac/acil?

Maybe sometimes dil's mum is involved. But, surely, most of the time ds and dil make this decision on their own, as 2 adults? Also, even if dil's mum is an instigator, any choice ds and dil make is on them.

Ammaz you need to ask your last question to Norah as all her 3 Daughters have cut out their m.i.l's

Good posts Anya & Nannagrampy March 22

Brillant post Mawbroon 21 March 17.22

Yogagirl shh don't tell anyone but I thought at first it was one of those threads about Vans and onesies but I think I was wrong

Jalima only read the first few posts, but you're blooming funny