Ask a DIL...

Hattiehelga, AmMaz, I am sorry you have had such sad problems with your DiL, but because your experience has been unhappy doesn't mean that is everyone's experience.

I married an only son and had the happiest and most loving relationship with his mother. Sometimes better than the one I had with my own DM. My relationship with DDiL is exactly the same, we enjoy doing things together, swap clothes, and I cannot believe how lucky DS has been to get such a lovely girl to marry him. Both families are quite small so have bonded together to become one. When we turned up for the 80th birthday of DDiL's mother, she thanked us for coming (she lives 200 miles away) because it was so nice to have all the family present.

I know not everyone is as fortunate as me, but between your unhappy experience and my very happy experience there runs a whole gamut of relationships.

I think far too much is talked about MiL/DiL relations. It is no different to going to work and having to work with a range of work colleagues, some of which you like, others you have nothing in common with and still others you actively dislike. If you are to do your job successfully you learn to cope with all three groups and try to keep relations civil between you. Sometimes it will work, sometimes it won't. End of story. Relations with a MiL/Dil are no different.

So true damewithaname. "Be the MIL you'd like but not the MIL you don't want to be like."

Works for mums too.

I have started a new thread with a link, with another viewpoint re Mother in laws, that might interest some posters on this thread.....

AmMaz -well if you've got any DILs I'd like to offer them my deepest sympathy

I 100% agree Hattiehelga, sadly. It wasn't like that in my day (I'm 64) but now the young women are hugely threatened and confidently controlling and manipulating, constantly making their man (our sons) 'line up' with them or God help them. But they do it artfully.
I often wonder if THEIR mum is behind it.

DILMALLORCA Yikes... well MIL has reaped what she has sown. She just can't let go, or in other words...she's a control freak!

Really glad you brought this up OP. I'm a DIL and I found the relationship with my MIL the single most difficult thing about being a FTM. I wanted DS to nap in cot she wanted him to sleep in pushchair; I wanted some (albeit fairly flexible) routine for DS she kept saying "he's just a baby" (er, yeah I know) as if I were doing something cruel to him; I breastfed she kept asking about giving him bottles and saying 'Ooh what a shame we can't give him a rusk'; she wanted him to stay over from about 3 months (er, I'm breastfeeding); she came into our house using her key rather than knocking; she offered to help with our washing then stormed off in a huff when DH took it over to her; she said "you don't want to set a precedent " when we had a party for DS' first birthday; managing her moods over whether or not she was seeing DS enough was exhausting. TBH i avoid her wherever possible now whilst letting her develop her relationship with DS. I felt criticised and judged by her when DS was newborn and don't buy the whole "she means well" thing. I really didn't need that as a FTM. I ended up snapping at her after it built up (apologised) but she never took responsibility for her part in that. She's backed off now I've had a second thankfully and whilst I still try to make an effort I actually really don't like her and just keep things civil for my children's and DH's sake.

Be the MIL you'd like but not the MIL you don't want to be like. Something I'm going to take into the future with me.

Bez1989 You are my doppelganger! I do all as you do!

I don't think all DILs and SILs regard MIL as an enemy.

Fact of, MIL is not SIL or DILs mom and fitting in is hard work. From what I see, my daughters did try very diligently to get on with their MILs to no avail. Our SILs also attempt getting on with us and that seems to be working. Personalities seem to account for the differences.

I'm a step MIL and get along very well with my DIL and family. I've just had a Mothering Sunday card from her addressed to MUM....so delighted with that....and lots of pretty candles in jars etc.
I've learned not to interfere but to "boost up" whenever I can. Also if I want to buy anything for my grand daughters I always send her the link first and check with her regarding suitability and sizes. I buy online as I'm pretty much housebound but hate shops anyway. HAPPY MOTHERING SUNDAY to all the mums and grand mums
on here.

Not all of them regard the MIL as the enemy, my DIL is lovely Hattiehelga, but I recognise the fact that my DIL has her own mother to whom she is very close.
DD thought she would be getting another mother and I hoped so too as she is thousands of miles from home, but alas, no.

This is all so sad. I try not to be the MIL from hell, although my DIL and I don't always see eye to eye her babies are raised by her rules, and I wouldn't dream of interfering.
My late MIL was a horror. Eldest DS has an autistic spectrum disorder, and his behaviour could be challenging. He had a prescribed program of therapy, but MIL decided that 'a dam' good thrashing' was all that was needed to set him to rights. She put the fear of God into me! I wouldn't have left my children in her care even if she had been willing, and she most certainly wasn't.
I am sure that the OP is right - everyone is different, and in situations like this, the differences become magnified and cause problems.

Questions for DIL - Why do DILs immediately regard MILs as the enemy? Why do DILs seem to forget that their children are also MILs Son's children? Why do DILs go out of their way to ensure their parents have much more involvement than MILs and FILs. My own theory is a huge insecurity and resentment of the close relationship between MIL and her Son.

I'm very fortunate to have a mother in law I adore and a daughter in law who is like a child of my own (I've known her since she was 7). I have often taken care of my daughter's children and the 'my house, my rules' edict has been happily endorsed by both her and her husband, but then my daughter has stated explicitly that she wants to parent her children in the same way she was parented (she doesn't though ). As my 'rules' are either safety based or simple good manners there has never been a point of conflict. When it comes to feeding/sleeping guidelines etc. then it seems obvious to me that grandparents should defer to parents wishes.
When my son and daughter in law have children I don't expect to be any more or less involved in their lives than I already am and I would hope to give support and encouragement at the level of their need - not mine!

Just try and remember what it is like to be a DIL. I never got on with my MIL, and I try to remember what it was that got to me. I think I have been reasonably successful!

I'm really sick of this idea that MIL's are always the problem. I never wanted to feed my GCs my children were breastfed and so are they. I don't want them overnight (not until they sleep through and get up a bit later). If DIL has rules that's fine (although I might sometimes forget one or two-and that isn't deliberate I'm not good at rules). I appreciate that someone loves and cares for my son and has had his children and given me a chance to play with and cuddle them.
I actually think it is about showing respect, care and understanding and some MILs do this and some don't. But equally there are some mums who show none of these things to their own daughters and some DILs who show none to their MILs.

No criticism from me, Avalon, just an explanatory suggestion, the acceptance or rejection of which is entirely up to you.

The taking of offence at straightforwardness is a thing now though, isn't it? Good luck with that.

Avalon, I don't see any criticism either. Or do you feel some posters criticized your view of dil? Or maybe that they were criticizing ds for not sending you pictures or whatever?

I don't think there was any criticism intended. In fact, I would think it would be reassuring to see that perhaps dil just thinks that ds is taking care of relations with you.

Pps (previous posters) may be right about that. Dd and sil and some of their friends follow a policy where the wives deal with their side of the family and the husbands deal with theirs. Perhaps that's what ds and dil are doing? Only you might need to ask ds to send you some photos. It might just be something that slips his mind.

So when they come to visit, just be as lovely as ever, but don't expect thank yous, etc. from dil. Assume that when ds thanks you/sends a thank you card or message, it's from both of them.

I'm sorry you always end up paying for the meals though. Unless they're struggling financially, imo, they really should pick up the tab sometimes. But that's as much on ds as dil. In fact, again, maybe she's leaving that up to him.

Gemmag that's fine that you fully understand.
DIL123 was offering to try to help those who don't understand. She wasn't offering to sort anyone out.

I fully understand why my relationship with my DiL is so strained.
We are very polite to one another but we will never be close and no 26 year old could ever sort us out. As long as I see my DG every few weeks I'll be happy. She's an excellent Mum and the DG are a delight. Things could be a lot worse and they have been!. Just chalk and cheese.

Gemmag It seems she is a DiL. Qualification enough.

I think her post is full of ideas showing the way of what may go wrong. I know my daughters express some of the same thoughts, so DiL123 didn't just pull her ideas from air.

Avalon nobody posted anything except ideas to help you.

Gemmag - I guess its glorious youth! - time will take care of it.

Lets face it every mil/dil relationship is different, good or bad, dealt with in many different ways. If anybody wanted to buy my eldest anything to wear I was delighted we were like church mice in those days.

You can choose your friends but not your DiL.

I have 2 DsiL, one I like very much and one I try very hard to like because she's the mother of my DG and so I must try my best and believe you me I have tried.

Unless you are in a MiL/DiL relationship you really shouldn't be posting on here because you have no idea how hard it can be.

I have never asked for sleep overs ( I don't want them) and I knew/know nothing about buying first outfits?
I have fed my DG many times,no problems with that.

What I would like to know is what makes DIL123 aged 26 feel that she is qualified to answer any problems that one might have in a DiL/MiL relationship.

Avalon. I haven't read any criticism.
You posted asking for advice.
Posters showed you another perspective.
One that most probably aligns with your DIL.
If you do disagree with us and continue to push this adgenda that your DIL is failing in some way then you risk causing a rift. So far you have not listed anything that she's done wrong.