Ask a DIL...

I only had a mother in law for a very short time (a few months) she was lovely though.

I would have loved anyone well not literally to take my baby off me for a few hours. Mother or mother in law. Sadly it didn't happen which is partly one of the reasons I look after my own grandchildren quite a lot. I think its important for young couples to have a little bit of time to themselves.

I got on really well with my MIL, but she had obviously read a lot of advice, and refused to give an opinion on anything! With no experience of babies when we had our first, I really wanted a second opinion sometimes, instead of...I don't know what they do these days.
Of course, in those days, I didn't have the internet

What a shame you have a difficult relationship with your MIL DIL123. Naturally grandparents get excited at having a grandchild and like to buy them things. They are part of the family, not another species when their offspring have grown up. Fortunately my DIL lets me do exactly what I like and is very generous with the time she allows me with my grandson. I never give advice unless asked. IMO some DILs are very possessive with their newborn babies and resent any overtures from MILs. Don't forget you might need them to babysit and do childcare when they are a bit older, so no point in alienating them.

I must look, listen and learn

Here is GN's list of abbreviations/acronyms for those who are having trouble following (it doesn't list all the ones that come up here though): www.gransnet.com/info/acronyms

Well...I am always polite Jalima and try to be tactful!

I did wonder if the purpose of the OP was research for a book?

but it is mildly irritating that she assumes that the folk on this site need her advice

Mildly irritating is an understatement!

I do find the assumption that all Grans (especially if MILs) are problematical rather tedious. The experience with my family and with those of my friends is that things are fine - each generation listens to the other and is respectful, and everything is fine.

Of course different generations do things differently and of course grans listen to what their offspring and their partners want. It is wrong to suggest that conflict is the norm.

There have been posts from "Grabby Grans" on here and in every case they are kindly but firmly told to back off and to listen to their DDs or DILs by all the posters who join the thread - I think that means that in the majority of cases all is well.

I am hearing that the OP has a problem with her MIL, which is a huge shame, but it is mildly irritating that she assumes that the folk on this site need her advice, when all the evidence is to the contrary.

I was a terrible first time mother. I was so grateful if anyone offered to bath the baby as I hated it. Still don't know why people like bath time with children. Would have bitten off some ones hand in gratitude if they'd changed a nappy. Not sure about first outfits or first shoes as I've not come across that though either of my children would have guaranteed a posset on the first outfit of any day not having any respect for the dignity of a first Christmas . My mil and I didn't like each other,she was one who was her way the only way so she had my dd one afternoon a week while I scarpered. Dd came back with her hair as gran felt it should be and was carted round all grans friends and possibly fed god knows what but I was grateful for time out.
My dd asked for her children to stay over last week. She was obviously feeling quite stressed as she said you can put them if front of the tv/ iPad all the time if need be. They did have some iPad( timed )but we fed and watered them and wore them out on a farm and she and her DH looked a lot better for their break. I have rules . I'm a stickler for hand washing good manners and Taking Your Plate and Cutlery to the Dishwasher and using a table napkin rather than wiping your hands on your clothes /wallpaper or chair seat and that includes the parents
I think DIL123 had good intentions but was a tad pompous.

MawBroon Tue 21-Mar-17 22:18:42

Very sensible.

I am quite shocked that some posters have responded to Dil123 that some of her comments were 'rubbish' or unfounded, when clearly she is relaying experiences she knows to be true. She was trying to be helpful and there was no excuse IMO for rudeness.

nannalyn oh dear, that was me - you think this is real and not a spoof then?
Perhaps you're right and if so I do apologise.

However, DILs do come in different shapes, sizes and temperaments as do MILs. One size does not fit all.

I find that there are so many abreviations that I lose track of what's going on.......

Why do they have to have so~~~~~~~ many rules.

I have been in trouble for giving my DGS a biscuit!.

I have come to accept that I will never see as much of my DG as I would like to. This is because there are not enough hours in the day and the weekends are full of doing things but it's hard when they live so close to us. As we do have a very good relationship with the DG I live in hope that when they are a bit older that they will choose themselves to see more of us that's if we're still around!.

I think my DiL is very very selfish and thinks it's ok for us to see them all every 7/8 weeks because that's all she saw of her DGP. Her DGP lived miles and miles away!.
It's so difficult when their so close.?

When buying anything for my grandchildren I always ask mum or dad what they want for Christmas and Birthday and when out shopping with them only make my presence felt at the till - with my purse open! However, I have still been in trouble with both DD and DiL for no reason I could fathom, only to say that they know how much I love them and I would always support them as best I can, so they know that I am a safe option to vent their anger, frustration or stress, knowing I will always come back. Is this emotional blackmail? probably, but I am quite sure they are more stressed than I was at that age and perhaps less mature. They also get all their childcare info from the web which they consider far superior to human contact! Take it all with a pinch of salt I say.

Most interestingly has no-one realised that MIL and DIL (why do we have to use stupid initials) both love the same person usually and don't have to be 'enemies'.

I just agreed with everything MIL said, then when she had gone home, or I had, I just carried on doing everything my way. Result; happy MIL, happy mum and happy baby.

MawBroom- I so love your reply...and Leticia this is real common sense.Why oh why has it become such a battle of control from DILs rather than all sides appreciating that we just want to love our "LOs" !!! yes we were all DILs in our time and we managed it. Do we seem to be able to see our DILs perspective but they don't see ours??? we are the ones that have to have rules dictated to us it seems to me....yes what's wrong with some Grandma/LO time?? I usued to be really happy when I could go out shopping when my MIL was there! A different generation is my conclusion....so sad really!!!!!

I don't understand not following rules. My daughters have very specific rules about what their children may eat and when, how they are dressed, when they sleep, and who may do certain things with. No electronics, sugar, or drinks other than water. Their rules, their children. I don't have to babysit if I dislike the rules.

Couldn't have said it better Mawbroon!!

"DD's" - not dads!

A few years back, my daughters MIL offered her GS (11yrsish) her bra catalogue to flick through as "he would probably love that" she then followed up with "of course you can probably just look it all up online nowadays..." She was mortified!! It's a good mother in law story but really she's just an odd lady, the fact that she's dad's mil just fits a convenient stereotype.

DIL123 made perfectly sensible points as far as I could see and didn't deserve the rudeness and nastiness from some posters, especially Anya who has made no useful comment at all on this thread.

I am sorry that you have a problem MIL - perhaps you might do better to ask us for advice on how to deal with that, rather than offering us advice on things that any grandparent with half a brain knows.

Neither would I, Sarah, but that's just it. Many parents in the younger generation have different attitudes than we did. We can't expect dds or dils to respond to us the same way we did to our children's grans.

But back to the "rules" thing - Just want to amend what I said earlier. Even in my house, if the parents have rules for what their children's diet, I would follow those, especially if it has to do with allergies or other health concerns. But other than that, my house, my rules. Again, they wouldn't have to bring their kids here, of course, if they disagreed. Their choice.