Ask a DIL...

Seems there have been some very aggressive posts on here. I'm sure the op was only trying to help. I think it does help if someone can explain why something a mil or stepmother has wanted to do has been rejected.
I can remember my mother in law at the time being very disaproving of my breastfeeding because the fashion in her day was for bottlefeeding. She also thought napisan was an unecesarry indulgence!
I have also seen a mother in law that I know being very overbearing, so I know that does happen. I have also seen my own daughters mother in law being very helpful indeed. Both kinds do exist.

Goodness me, there were some pretty mean-spirited responses to the OP on here. I'm glad other posters were supportive of what she was trying to do. Of course every MIL/DIL relationship will vary from excellent to awful with probably many clustering in the middle. I remember being quite shocked by the 'my house, my rules' thread. There was some dreadful arrogance on there - it's one thing enforcing your own rule about eg sitting at the table to eat but parents' rules about diet, bedtimes etc should be respected. I haven't got a DIL but with my DD I've tried very hard to respect her parenting values - but I do think it's much easier in general to discuss such things with a DD- for one thing, she's experienced your parenting and will have views on it. Anyway OP do stay on GN - your perspective will be helpful - probably more so to those who think they don't need it

Leticia
When I look back I must have had the best of both worlds.
MIL loved to take my two DD's for walks, to the parks or meet them from school and give them their tea but never ever did she make or buy them outfits.
On the other hand my own mum never ever did the same but loved knitting baby cardigans, hats to match, little sweaters and making endless dresses which little girls wore then .
I would never have refused or complained of anything these grans wanted to do for my DD's.

Well said MawBroon.!!!

Dear DIL Thanks for that offer I will bre taking you up on it.

When our first DGD was born I was staying at DD's house helping out. The health visitor came and put me in my place before I said a word! " I hope you are not giving your daughter any advice. Things are done differently these days!" HMmm. My daughter and I had a laugh about it after she left. I am quite glad not to have had sons, as I am sure I would have been a dragon of a MIL.

in my family it has always been grannies who bought first shoes and first school shoes

I think perhaps dil123 was trying to help but she's opened a can of worms with her somewhat sweeping statements. I also found her posts patronising!

I'm surprised she's got time for this with a baby in the house .....

I've never looked at Mumsnet .....

I constantly buy clothes for one grandaughter ,her parents split up and she lives with us half of every week.The main reason I buy the clothes is because she always wants to take them home to let mummy see them ....and they never come back.Its the same with christmas presents including her i-pad,to avoid any issues with her mother I just buy new things for her to wear ..and play with.She has clothes at dads house too ,though he usually has her on school days so she goes back in uniform and he gets to keep the stuff he's bought for her there.I do get the "first outfit" my MIL would never have presumed to dress my kids for leaving hospital...she knitted tiny hats to match whatever outfit we'd decided on.That was solely because of circumstances ,my first daughter died ,so when her sister was born we wanted to be in control of things,my son spent his first 11 weeks in SCBU ,and we were excited about buying lovely things for him to wear when he came home.Having said that I understand everyone is different and others would be happy to put clothes on new babies that others had bought

About "my house, my rules." Of course a granny can make her own rules in her own home. But if her gc's parents aren't happy with them, they are just as free not to go there or bring their kids there. Seems obvious to me.

Never mind relationships with MiLs - Mothers are bad enough!

I had problems with both (35 years ago), always knowing best (don't feed on demand - you'll get a demanding baby; don't use a baby bouncer; don't use a fold up pushchair, get a proper one; don't feed them X when you're weaning them - they should have fish cooked in milk; I could go on and on).

IMHO, Ms/ MiLs have two ears and one mouth and should use them in that proportion.

As I have said on a previous post, I am not a GP, nor am I likely to be one, which bothers me not at all. But my D is a midwife, and I am amazed at how much things have changed since she was a baby, so any advice I might try to hand out would be totally redundant!

For example, there was a post recently about giving DGC honey and DD getting cross. Well yes, we didn't know a few years back that honey, a lovely natural substance, can be dangerous for a LO.

I think this lovely DiL has seen some of the recent posts from MiLs who just don't get it, and has kindly offered to help!

As I have already said before I think DIL123 was trying to help us Grannies understand why DILs respond in the way they do. I do not think she was being authoritative. She was offering an olive branch, so being nasty to her for doing that is not very nice. Give her some credit.

I have 2 wonderful DiLs & the case has always been that they want us to have the DGC overnight so they can go out & have a lie in the next day. I have never asked for it but they all 6 come to stay a lot & they love coming & we love to have them & obviously DSs & DDiLs love it too. Not a problem.

I was lucky with my own MiL & I hope I have never given advice unasked for nor would I criticise what they do with their children.
The rules may be a bit different in my house but if I am having them stay that is my prerogative.

If they moan about me behind my back I am not aware of it & TBH I am always on hand to help when asked so I rather doubt it.

What I will say is that birthday & Christmas presents have got a hella lot better since DiLs started buying them. No more red jumpers every Christmas from sons but lovely designer bags & perfume I actually like!!

Good for DiLs I say!!

DIL123 I have a question ..... When are all DILs going to realise that MILs are not the enemy. We do, however, love our sons and GC very much and I make no excuse for wanting to spend time with them.

It can be a little disappointing when DIL fills the joint diary with dates for her own friends and family to visit, thereby ensuring that our own visits are somewhat infrequent.

I totally understand that DILs will be closer to their mothers. It's natural. My DD is and I was too!

In all honesty I'm totally uninterested in what my GD wears, what she eats, etc etc. I certainly don't want to feed her! They were down last weekend and kept being asked "do you want to feed baby". So another question, how can one say "no thanks" without DILs being offended. Neither do I want to push the pram.

I feel you're seeing a power struggle where it doesn't exist. We simply love our own sons and their children. Nothing wrong with that. I've noticed that it's the DILs as opposed to the SILs who seem to complain most about their MILs ....

My own MIL would constantly gossip & complain to me about her other 3 DILs and no doubt she complained about me to them. It comes with the territory.

I usually find myself agreeing with MawBroon (and not just because I read about her in the Sunday Post as a child!) and I do again. She is humorous and balanced. Anya, there was no need to be so rude to this young woman who was only trying to put forward another point of view. I don't agree with everything she said but it doesn't help, her or anyone else, to be rude. I had a lovely MiL and I have tried to emulate her with my lovely DiL - I hope I don't get it wrong too often ...

One of my DILs when first married told me that my son, who I had brought up until the age of 25yrs when he got married, did not like pork! Mmmm. I think I knew that already, I did not need to be told. Somehow DILs think their husband's world started when they took over! I just keep my mouth tightly closed when she says things like this. One day when she is a MIL herself she will understand why MILs get annoyed when DILs say things such as this.

Having had a difficult time with my MiL what got me through was to remember that without her there would be no DH.

Do you envisage one day like myself you will be looking after your
mother in law in later life?

As life goes full circle you will probably become a mother in law yourself DIL123

I am quite shocked that some posters have responded to Dil123 that some of her comments were 'rubbish' or unfounded, when clearly she is relaying experiences she knows to be true. She was trying to be helpful and there was no excuse IMO for rudeness.
Relationships with MILs can be a minefield despite good intentions. One of my DD's has a MIL who constantly gives the children sweets and chocolate, including just before meals, even tho DD and her husband have repeatedly asked her to keep them for treats. She is a compulsive shopper and also buys bags full of toys and clothes, ignoring any notion of what the children need or enjoy playing with, so DD and my SIL have problems with knowing what to do with it all. They know she loves the children but she can't seem to show it any way other than through constant inundation with (usually unsuitable) gifts. Various tactics have been tried and failed. Just an example: I'm sure this MIL thinks they are being ungrateful but from their perspective she should show some respect for how they want to bring up their children- which is to not constantly expect 'stuff'. If she were to post on GN no doubt she would present a very different point of view!

Experigran was this reluctance to call her son by his given name because she was not consulted on what it should be? My Mother felt cheated because when my Father went to register my birth he put down a completely different name to the one she wanted. She never got over it. I think that was cruel myself but what could I do? Perhaps someone could ask her what she would like to call him? It does seem like she is depressed and little things turn in to BIG problems if you are suffering from it. See if there is a 'nick name' or 'pet name' she would prefer.

If you are doing a family tree you will find that a lot of children raised by our Grandparents had names that were not their 'given name'. My Father had one. His 'given name' was 'Joseph' and yet my Mother and all his friends called him something else. The same thing happened to my Uncle who thought he was called Cecil (which he hated) and then when my Grandmother died he found out from his birth certificate that he was christened 'Christopher'! Why I do not know. He was really put out.

Dil. My DIL kept me at a distance from the very beginning. I was working full time so didn't get much time to see them but they made no conssesions. We are on the other hand have never left them out of anything. Have taken the boys out for the day babysat, helped with the deposit on their house and helped with the wedding. Practical help in their house but it's all on their terms. I am sensitive enough to not interfere. They choosing an app. And nursery. I am incredibly hurt. I have many grandchildren. I now don't have a relationship with the family at all. And actually I have given up. They preferring their friends. Just their way. Their children are 3 and 6. Sons. My daughters are all my friends. We communicate all the time and I have lots of friends and a social life. So I can't be that bad!

DIL123, thanks for offering your thoughts. I do feel that some of the posts seem a bit offended. I think one of the problems is that new mums feel under pressure to show that they know what they're doing but some new grand-parents try to give their advice without realising they themselves don't know everything! Times change and what was the norm with our children can be very different nowadays. New GP's should try to hold back on the advice and it's nice for them to be around to help...when asked.

I, like Gagagran, wonder if DIL123 comes from another country or another culture?

I know that there are some non-UK cultures here where DIL lives with MIL and is expected to live by her rules and customs, but this is certainly not the norm for most of us. We natives of the UK all know that parents are the arbiters of "rules" (as she puts it) for their own children's upbringing! As has been shown by the contributors to this thread we are realists and most of us try not to be too pushy.

I'm lucky to have a DIL who generous with her children, and I know that she appreciates any help I can give her, if asked. We don't live close so I don't do any day to day childcare (unless she is ill) though she knows that I will offer any kind of help, be it childcare, financial or whatever, if she needs it. I do buy clothes for the children but always give her the receipt so that she can change them if she doesn't like them or they are the wrong size, and she takes the trouble to ensure that I see them wearing the clothes.

I'm also realistic enough to know that most DIL's are always going to be closer to their own mothers than their MIL and this is quite understandable - the same was true for me.

I can say, hand on heart, that we have never had a disagreement in the more than fifteen years since we met.

I've been a DIL for 32 years and I'm no closer to my MIL now than I was then!! We are respectful to each other but I know that she's never liked me and neither has my SIL!! I've given up trying now

I think that the OP-DIL needs to know that there is a huge variety of grandparent relationships that are discussed here just as on Mumsnet there would be. We have grans here to have almost no access to their DGCs because of distance or the parents have parted.

No one size fits all, so rather than presenting your case as though it's mainstream behaviour in a manufactured situation, state your own particular issues with your MIL and hopefully someone here will recognise it and reply with their own experiences with respect to your own issues.

Many young parents do not have the money for some baby startup essentials and are pleased to get them or gift vouchers for them. You personally have a problem with 'firsts'... that's your problem, not a MIL's unless you make it one. Just ask for vouchers if you don't want your baby wearing anything MIL chooses FFS.

I have known my DIL for ten years... we are very close. However, I have not had my own children, so in early days she was the teacher and I was glad of it! Once DGD was 10mos, I was in more familiar territory and we learned together.

Yes, it's my house my rules when we have her for the day, especially now as the terrible twos have almost arrived. DIL wants us to be more firm actually!

Cripes now there another one (or is it?) assuming she knows it all and that 'the sniffy comments you're receiving come from those with a dodgy MiL/DiL.relationship'

WRONG!

We're actually pissed off by her sweeping generalisations, assumptions and general air of know-it-all-over-simplification. And not stupid either....DiL/Cali