Ask a DIL...

Dil123, I think it was very kind of you to do this. I know you were just trying to help those gps who have these questions, not suggesting that everyone does. Hope you stick around!

We do not live far away from our Dil and our son. They have a son who we were happy to look after while Mum went out to work. We have a very close relationship with our GS. This morning for example he rang up to ask if GD would go and get him from school because he had forgotten books for his lesson. GD jumped in to the car and helped to get the books and return him to school....no problem! What would he have done if we were not there for him to turn to? We love all our GCs and we have 5. The latest one and his little baby brother have just come down with chicken pox. DIL was straight on the 'phone to ask what to do. They live 2 hours away in the country. We are there for all of them. We do not turn up unannounced, something I hate myself. I like to have prior warning. When we go on a visit, as we did this weekend, we take a contribution to the food. Why don't some DILs want a relationship like that? I do not understand it. We didn't have the internet but we managed very well and we are a mine of information should they want to use it. Our other 2 GC live 3 hours away so we do not see a lot of them, but when we do we make sure we make a fuss of them so they know we love them just as much. We also keep in touch via text and emails. Sometimes skype. Do not be in such a rush to throw away all the love that is on offer. We will not be here for ever after all.

I think DiL was genuinely trying to show things from her perspective to help where relationships have broken down. Some af thecresponses have been a bit harsh- no wonder she retreated! Personally I get on well ith both my DiLs but DO ask always what they prefer and abide by any 'rules'. One prefers us not to buy gifts except at christmas and birthdays which i find hard, but abide by it. They are not allowed sweets or chocolate which is good but its difficult at easter as i have to buy non edible presents (as i give easter eggs to other grandchildren. ) my son supports his wife as he should and I cant see any point in antagonising the parents so tread carefully. But i think we have a good relationship.
I think grannys house grannies rules ar fine i it means sitting at the table etc but not giving forbidden food andketting them stay up late etc. I prefer to have lists of food, bedtime routines etc so i can do things as they like. I dont always agree but keep my mouth closed!
I have a friend whose DiL has gone NC and she is bewldered - dosnt know what shes done wrong. She loves the children dearly and was in tears at christmas. I think it's cruel, for whatever reason (except in cases of chil abuse etc obviously)

Oh I hadn't realised there had been an election and one DIL had been nominated to speak for all. Each family has its own culture and MIL and all other relations are entited to their opinions, which if DIL doesn't like she can have friendly chat about.

DIL needs to bear in mind that MIL made the chap she fell in love with and his family counts as much as any new fangled 'first outfit' nonsense.

Too many young women competeting with each other and placing undue stress upon themselves and everybody else in the process.

First outfits ?? really we all knitted stuff for each other and passed things on or saved up and were very grateful for what we had. The real bonds are forged when your child is ill and MIL (or other relative) steps up and takes a turn at the bedside or helps when they all have nits and you are fed up to the back teeth with de lousing....ir loans you a few quid when the bill comes in higher than expected, carpets the new house for you, sends a food parcel etc.

Get real and get back to Mumsnet............we have all been DIL and don't need your hipster wisdom thanks very much.

DIL123 - After reading through the comments here, I've concluded that your kind intentions have been badly misconstrued. Wow. Obviously, the sniffy comments you're receiving come from those with a dodgy MIL/DIL relationship, and with them your POV hits a little too close to home. Concurrently, I'm both a MIL and a DIL, and whilst I can view the experience from both sides, I do know from experience that MILs go over the top. I took a lot of stick from my MIL because not only did I breastfeed my infant - good heavens, get out the smelling salts! - but I was adamant against putting a 'nip of whisky' in a bottle so he would 'sleep better at night'. Get real! For the record, my mother was just as bad, right from the start. She was certain I would die in childbirth because I was attended by highly qualified midwives instead of a male doctor, because 'men know better'.

MILs, please don't take it personally if your son and DIL are ambivalent toward your suggestions. Your way of doing things may not jibe with theirs. So what. They have to do whatever current medical practices dictate - no whisky! - and they are not as incapable of parenting as you think they are. I wouldn't dream of telling my DIL how to raise their child.

Just responding as I read through... Yes, we mils have been dils, but some issues and attitudes seem to be different today. We probably weren't as worried about secondhand or "thirdhand" cigarette smoke, for example, as they are today. And we were more likely to overlook some things in the name of "family" than some of the dils I hear about.

I think the best way is to wait until asked. I believe this lady is trying to help not dictate. What dil's in general do not seem to get is that we brought up their husbands and we didn't do a bad job did we?

Too many dils will look on the internet or turn to friends rather than to the MIL who after all had to cope with all the illnesses their GCs are protected against. Whooping cough; measles; croup; scarlet fever; scarletina; mumps to name but a few. We have experience, do not just kid yourselves that we are 'old fashioned'. One day you will have nowhere to turn and if you have alienated MIL what will you do? Best to try and get on I say.

Do not forget that we love your children too! We would NOT hurt them and we certainly would do our best to protect them.

Most of us have been a daughter,a girlfriend, a wife, a mother, a daughter in law , a now grandmother and all ( men on here change the gender ? ) Surely an extra added to the mix is a joy for all not a means to be battle ready. Sadly my daughter/grandsons live far away so a visit is only a few times a year but I'm really pleased that her husband's family are close by to help . It is great that children have lots of people around them. I could be wrong but I think I once heard an African saying 'It takes a village to raise a child '

Gosh DIL, your offer was well intended but doesn't this show just how different all our families are? I am so very lucky that my DIL and I get on. I really hope you are able to find a happy middle ground with your MIL. maybe all our stories of happy relationships might help you believe it's possible? Bad MIL/DIL relationships are not compulsory!!

Days after my husband finished radiotherapy last July we were unable to attend a BBQ. My dil had said some terrible things to my other son regarding the BBQ as well and things have been terrible since then. I have seen my grandchildren half a dozen times since then. They are renewing their vows in October and I am dreading that we will be ignored.

DIL123 I know exactly where you are coming from as I had a difficult relationship with my MIL. My husband also did so not just down to me.
I am now a MIL and try very hard to not step on my DIL's toes but it is very hard sometimes to know where to draw the line.
Recently when they were staying I could hear from the other room that their 20 month old would not eat anything. I knew her mouth was sore and eventually i suggested she might like porridge and should I try it. Yes my DIL and DS said so I made it and cut a banana up in it which she ate. Afterwards my DIL thanked me but I still felt that maybe I should not have done it. Where do you draw the line? I have also bought clothes which they seem to like and she does wear but I try not to do that every time I see her.
They live some distance away so always have to stay. They also divide their time between us, her mother and her father as they are separated so we do not see a lot of them. Also I have to add we are in our 70's so not so young and I have elderly parents who rely on me so if my DIL needs a babysitter she asks her mother as she is more available. I also realise she will trust her mother more than me but sometimes it is hard.

Thank you, DIL123, for attempting to explain where things can go wrong in a relationship with one's DIL. Looking at some of the responses on here, you can see why there is a disconnect between the generations!
I had a very close relationship with my DIL before she had my DGS which deteriorated quite a lot after he was born. Looking back, I can see I made some mistakes which were meant kindly but probably made her feel I was being pushy. I can't take them back but hope I've learned from them. Equally, she was very unforgiving at times and I had to keep my mouth shut so I wouldn't make things worse.
Now I look after my DGS twice a week and I try hard to follow her rules to the letter because he is her child, not mine. It doesn't mean that I always agree with her but I refrain from commenting and I keep my lip firmly buttoned when my son rings up asking if I have "done" anything because DGS has an upset tummy. I do sometimes want to say I have brought up 3 children and they all survived me but don't think that would help somehow. This child is the most precious thing in her life and I'd be more worried if she didn't care.

I forgot to add that I and my late husband and then just me did childcare for a number of years. This weekend I am having my 11 year old granddaughter for the weekend because she doesn't want to go on a sports weekend with her Mum, Dad and brother . I was asked if I minded having here . Mind?? My granddaughter calls it " A girlie weekend with Grandma" . I love that .

Wish my late MIL had been remotely interested in my children! She said said she would babysit once, only to let me down at the last minute. Never had any of them overnight, let alone for a few hours through the day. She wouldn't even answer the door if I called at the house without making prior arrangements. Such a shame as I think in her later years that she felt very lonely as she didn't get many visitors and complained that her grandchildren rarely visited

Certainly not jumping into this one! But did want to say that we are definitely not the first generation to have to cope with lots of caring.

Different families have had different experiences, but in my family mothers worked as and when they could: childcare was done by grannies, sisters, older children, neighbours. This was a working class area, rural, with a lot of (poorly paid) employment for men and women, but was also (decent food, good air) an area with some longevity. For instance, my grandmother was not exceptional, but a typical example: she cared for her own children whilst cooking & cleaning for her grandmother, then cared for me 3 afternoons a week whilst nursing her mother, all whilst running a small shop.

Of course, different experiences lead to different expectations, and the only thing to do is to talk about it.

Experigran, she's obviously I'll and dealing with the name probably won't help but is there a "pet" name she would like to use? My MIL was given a family name but everyone knew her as "Bird" from her early years until the day she died. It was actually quite weird to hear her real name at her funeral.
Also would they think of contacting Mind. A friend who had severe mental problems after the birth of her second child found them very supportive.

I have a wonderful DIL. 15 years going on 16. She will do anything for me and I will do anything for her . She has her own mother too so I am not a substitute mother. She lives round the corner from me. Yesterday she took me to the Doctor's due to difficult parking during g her working day although I am perfectly capable of getting the bus and also driving . It was merely kindness when she knows a I stress about getting there . I have two grandchildren of 11 and 9. I never realised that there was difficulty with DIL's and MIL's . One thing my late husband said long before the grandchildren came along was " Never interfere. Give advice ONLY when asked for it" I have stuck by that rule and it has held me in good stead. . My DIL is absolutely golden and I love her like my own. I am very lucky.

I have never asked to have my granddaughter overnight. I wouldn't dream of it

Me neither KatyK but they still seem to land and they are very hard to get rid of

My grandson will be two next month and was called Christopher James. He had a big Christening, but since then my daughter-in-law refuses to use his name. She is definitely suffering from post partum depression and is being treated by her doctor. It is not as though she wants to call him by another name, but whenever my son calls him Christopher she says she does not like Christopher. If anyone calls him by his name, or even worse Chris, she completely ignores them and says she does not like it. He now understands it when she says this and does not respond to any name. My son has spoken to her doctor who changes the medication, but nothing changes. The poor little boy looks completely lost and it is being picked up at the nursery he goes to. My son is also becoming depressed resulting in excema on his legs. I know he will not be able to go on much longer without breaking down himself.

I have no idea what to do!

I have never asked to have my granddaughter overnight. I wouldn't dream of it. However, my daughter has often asked me if I would have her overnight, and I have been very happy to oblige Obviously I am a mum, not a mother-in-law but my DD's mother-in-law has also had her overnight too.

This can't be real, surely?
Or is it just me who thinks it's a wind-up (quite a clever one, better than normal ) to get all the grannies going?

dil123
Neither my DM nor my dMiL appeared to have any 'expectations' with regard to their role in my DCs lives. They were simply pleased to see us and the feeling was mutual.
I have the same sort of of relationship with my DD and DDiL.
Distance came into it. They both lived too far away to see us frequently and came to stay, in the early days, for a month at a time. I wonder how your generation of anxiety-ridden, rule-making, entitled young mothers would have coped with that.
Of course I have rules in my house. They are the same as suzie's. Quite apart from the question of mess, I think it's good for children to learn to respect other people's property and possessions, as well as their own.
Of course I wouldn't impose my diet rules on the DGC. When they come to stay I buy the horrible breakfast cereals and sweetened yoghurts that they have at home, even though I dislike the fact that they eat them.
I make dinner an hour earlier than usual because I know that DD likes the children to stick to their usual bedtime routine.
None of the above is a problem - it's called give and take.
Someone upthread suggested you should be more assertive (that's meaning not aggressive or manipulative) with your MiL. My thoughts too.
It really is possible for the generations to co-exist within the family without resorting to umbrage taking, threats of reducing contact etc.

I feel a bit sorry for DIL123 as I am sure she was only posting with the best of intentions to try and throw a DiL viewpoint into the ring. I also wonder if she is posting from the USA as some of the terms used (e.g. "first outfit" "LO") did not sound at all familiar. That could account for the different perspective on the GP/DiL relationship.

I have a DD and a DDiL and both have trusted me entirely to care for and love their children - my DGC. I always tried to follow their way of doing things but like several others on here it was always clearly understood that it was "my house my rules". Some of those rules may have been slightly indulgent but isn't that what GPs do? Both sets of parents have been appreciative of our help and support and it has been and still is a win/win for all of us.

So very glad you are not my DDiL, DIL123 who has trusted me with her AND MY SON'S precious children since they were only weeks old. They are now 11,9 and 7. I have never once been issued with a rule or an order of any kind and you know what? it works just fine.

Don't step away completely DIL123. Your input on various threads and different viewpoint would be very useful.