HOLIDAYS

I understand how you are feeling. My DD informed me yesterday that I had ""had my family time"" This when I rang to see how she was on what would have been my younger daughter's birthday.We lost her 7years ago as a result of untreated PND.
It feels as though the only time I'm needed is as a babysitter as they never include me any other time ,except Christmas.
I lost my DH 8 and a half years ago and find the same problems associated with widowhood. I have been away on coach holidays with other widowed friends,but that isn't my first choice . A little more consideration from my DD would go a long way to improving how I feel.
I feel your DD should also be more thoughtful and aware of how her family holiday will affect you, especially as her father did so much for her.

You're obviously an important part of the fabric of your DD's family life most of the year, diamonds. I can see that the possibility of spending holiday "fun" times with them, especially in a venue that is so important to you, is an attractive proposition from your point of view. But for them, a summer holiday is an opportunity for time away from everything that constitutes their family life for the rest of the year - and sadly that includes you. It's no criticism of you or disregard for everything you do for them; they just want some time together.

I personally think we shouldn't expect to be 'looked after' by our children and always included on their holiday and I don't think your daughter would do this to leave you out on purpose I totally agree she should have discussed it with you but she's probable scared to bring it up knowing how you would react also maybe last time wasn't as good for her as you or as you think you say you muddled through which implies that it was not all wonderful
I think you have to be incredibly brave and not expect for your daughter to become your surrogate partner They have a life to lead too .....Did you take your parents on holidays with you ? I did a couple of times but not on a regular expected basis
Same with my own children I ve been invited on some holidays but certainly not all and I think that a balance is called for She felt she needed to take you last time as you were newly widowed but probably hadn't thought that that set a precedence to always invite you
I think the childcare is another issue altogether and needs addresses in a time away from this upset

You have to find the courage to make your own life now as hard as it sounds Huge good luck take the bull by the horns and spread your wings xx

Maybe your daughter has been put in an awkward position by her husband. He might have said he doesn't want his mother in law to come along. I'm sure he loves you but they might just want to go on holiday as a family. I feel we highjacked my daughter and son in laws holiday at Christmas. My husband just asked if we could tag along! They had no choice but to say yes!If possible find a friend to holiday with. There are so many possibilities out there.

Diamondsgirl so sorry you are feeling this way. Maybe when you took your trip alone your DD saw it as you trying to branch out. Our children can be very selfish and just think, right she is ok now. Just a thought!
I do agree with everyone else that your DD is using you and taking away the chance of you meeting people or going out by relying on you so much. It can be very hard with our own DC, you agree to something and before you know it ....it's something else entirely.
I would also put a scrap book or memeory box together ( your journey/story) of all your happy memories in your holiday home that your DGC will be able to read when they want and enable them to see all the happiness that exists in their family. Photos of the home, beach, places you visited etc and of course you and your DH.
Look at new groups you could join locally and maybe make new friends with similar interests. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. In 6 months time maybe you could update us as to what you did and any progress you have made. Take care x

No, you're not wrong to feel left out - your feeling aren't under your control. Bereavement shakes your confidence dealing with other people, and it sounds as if you don't have any time to yourself to think things through.

I wonder if you've had any counselling since your husband died, or have considered it? Cruse do bereavement counselling, or this may be available through your GP. It can really help to have someone to work through your feelings with, and of course if you would have talked through problems with your husband, you've lost that listening ear in your life.

It seems from what you've said about your DD that you do a lot for her and her family, I can see that it must be lovely seeing such a lot of your grandchildren, but as others have said, now is the time to be thinking about what shape the future will take, and being so much at the beck and call of your daughter's family may not be the best thing for you.

You say:

DD has made it clear that it is very inconvenient for me to take up hospital appointments, weekends away, hair appointmemts if it impacts on childcare, and I have to admit I feel dreadfully guilty if I let her down in this way. Holidays are the worst as I have to go to dd's house as she doesn't like waking the children early on their holidays to come to my house!

I'm sure if anyone else said that to you, you'd be able to point out what's wrong with it. I never had grandparents to do childcare, we had to pay someone to do that and budget it in. This did make things financially tight, but having children is pretty costly! Have you thought of reducing your commitment so you have some time to yourself in the week? This would help you to try out new activities where you might meet new people to remove your sense of isolation.

Such a difficult time, you not only have lost your husband but your life style.

Was bad your daughter wasn't honest with you but it seems for her it must have been very difficult to discuss this with you. You are also finding it difficult to tell her about her child care demands. If you reflect on this maybe you could find ways of you both being a bit more honest with one another but in an open kind manner.

How old are GC. When they start school you will be able to have more free time and feel happier setting your own rules.

Also your DD needs a fall back if you are ill, have appt or want to be away for a few days. Do they go to nursery yet as there is government funding. Looks like you are doing more child care than DD but I think that is true for many GPS

Do you still have friends where you had your holiday home, might be nice to hire a small apartment and catch up with old friends.

Just take this as a lesson in the real world. We are devoted to our children but are we/they so devoted to parents. It is the natural for children to break away and want a life away from their parents with their own family. So we must gently break away and make our own life.

Remember " If people ask you to do something they must expect No for an answer. " I remember having a friend who sometimes I asked a favour and she would say no I can't without an explanation. It was only in later life I realised I had the right to say No and not feel guilty.

If we give or loan money or do childcare for our family it should be because we want to, not because we hope they will take us on holiday with them or reward us in some other way. I'm sure your daughter included you before as a last 'swansong' goodbye to a place you and your husband loved and not because she intended on sharing holidays with you every year afterwards. Did you take your parents or parents in law on holiday with you every year?

I love going on singles holidays since my divorce and have travelled all over the world and no way would I want to holiday with my daughter and her family as I see them all the time back home. Perhaps you could try another singles holiday. 'Just You' specialise in that sort of holiday. You may meet someone you can befriend and go on holiday with in the future. I know that happens a lot because when I go on singles holidays there are women there who have met on previous holidays and decided to travel together.

Of course, it is sad that you thought life would turn out differently but now you need to plan your life in another direction. It's what can happen, I'm afraid, which is why it's always better to have outside interests and friends within a marriage so that you can fall back on them if you find yourself on your own.

We all feel left out at times and this is one of them yes I think she is hiding it from you out of not wanting to hurt you . However my husband and I go through this regularly with our boys as we feel second best over e years over certain things that have occurred. We now just do our own thing and they fit in around us as I suppose you did when husband was alive doing holidays etc together,I feel for you I really do x

presumably the money you GAVE was a gift so its up to them how they spend it ,they didn't squander their money, they made over their home you should be pleased for them

DD has made it clear that it is very inconvenient for me to take up hospital appointments, weekends away, hair appointmemts if it impacts on childcare, and I have to admit I feel dreadfully guilty if I let her down in this way. Holidays are the worst as I have to go to dd's house as she doesn't like waking the children early on their holidays to come to my house!

You then go on to say that all this is an undercurrent to the main problem, holidays.

I have to disagree and say that your daughter treating you like hired-help (probably unpaid) is the main problem. I feel sorry at the way you are being treated, and it's another example of grandparents being expected to be full-on childminders.

we must be very bad people because we have NEVER taken a grandparent on hoilday with us my mother was widowed for 12 years and although I looked after her ,cooking and shopping etc and saw her every day we holidayed with our kids or alone ,same with my mother in law who is coming up to 11 years widowed ,she comes and stays with us for a week every coupld e of months but not on holiday with us .Mum in law goes on holiday with friends she's met at her groups,knitting group,exercise group ,and two others that escape me.They go to places in this country or abroad for a week or so three times a year .That might be your solution .My sister in law took her father in law with them once and he expected to be taken every year after that and rather than say no they took him ,but it wasn't what they wanted,you should never expect your kids to bow to your wishes.The child care is a seperate thing and shouldn't be lumped in as it just muddies the water,you are in danger of balckmailing her over the childcare so she'll include you in her FAMILY holiday and thats not right.

I think I would be grateful to have time away from childminding and being at DD's beck and call. That alone would seem like a holiday to me! I look after my DGD as her mum works part time and my son in law works away, but although we get on very well and she doesn't begrudge me 'time off', I still have to check shift patterns before I make any plans.

You're tired , hurt and emotional . x
Have a good sob , shake yourself down and see if anyone from here might like to go with you ?

I feel there is more to your problems than the ones you mention. You seem to need a lot of reassurance you are doing the right thing - it seems to me to be obvious you should not be at the beck and call of your daughter, but you seem to need someone else to tell you this.

Also over the single holidays it seems to be you are nervous about taking the big step, deciding and booking and going on a holiday by yourself. That's a great shame and I feel you need help to get over this fear.

Regarding the way you are used by your children, finding it really hard when they don't include you in their plans. That, as I know from my own experience, can be really hurtful - but you just have to grin and bear it as that is the way when one grows older.l One just has to find something else to do at that hurtful time.

I feel perhaps you need more than our reassurance. Is there some sort of counselling you could get to raise your self esteem? Or can someone help you? I am neither divorced nor widowed, but wonder if you are still suffering from grief and then your family doesn't seem to understand this.

Please don't take this as criticism in any way, but perhaps a forum is not enough.

I feel upset for you, Diamondsgirl . It's rotten when people do things together but leave you out , but in this situation it's really upsetting . Maybe they're going to surprise you at the last minute , how did you find out ?
I think we've all had a taste of this, no matter what age . It actually reminds me of painful childhood rejections .

diamondsgirl - First I think you have to admit to your DD that holidaying alone, even in a singles group, is lonely. You need to get her to understand that if you go out of season there are lots of people the same age, groups of single women etc. who you could chat with. (You do not need to say in so many words, that if you can't go with her, then you will have to go when she needs you at home.) We go out of season and apart from the cost, we enjoy chatting with people of our own age group. I do think she needs to give a little, and find someone as emergency child care. What if you were to become ill? Can you suggest all this in a loving way?

Oh and reading your later post, I think you will maybe get the opportunity to take your grandchildren back there with you when they are older - maybe young adults - and show them your memories!

So sorry this has happened.

Like others here, I think you're being taken advantage of by your daughter. It's sad that you are without a partner now, but you need to develop a new life, which may mean not being at your daughter's beck and call quite so much.

This may be the spur you need to invent that new life!

Perhaps you need some help to find out why you find holidaying alone so difficult?

I think your feelings are perfectly natural, so don't feel wrong to feel like that. However I don't suppose this decision was taken specifically to hurt you. More like they didn't tell you because they didn't want to hurt you. But sometimes a family wants to spend quality time as just a family - holidays can be an important bonding time for a busy family. The misfortune was that you found out, it would have been better for all if you had not.

I doubt if they realised how particularly poignant their choice of destination was for you, after all Spain is Spain and a very generic sort of holiday destination to most people. Could you look into going on some of those singles or saga holidays so you at least don't feel you're missing out?

hondagirl, the OP states that the holiday home was sold several years ago.

You sold the house so when you returned was it a 'holiday let' ?
Since you undertake all the childcare do you really want to spend your holidays with them too?
Agree thhat it must have been hurtful just to find out without DD telling you but hope she just hadn't got round to it as sooner or later you'd know.

You say 'we' used to have a holiday home. By this I assume you mean yourself and your husband? If so, when your husband passed away I may be wrong but am assuming the house was left to you? In which case, this is your house and as such should your family not ask your permission first before going on holiday there? I know they probably all regard it as a family holiday home, but the fact is it is not their house and it would be common courtesy for them to ask you if they can use it, rather than just assume. I would be most upset if this happened to me. Also, considering their attitude to childminding, it seems they are taking you and your holiday home somewhat forgranted.

Could you consider a HF holiday? Lots of singles go on those. There are various activities eg walking or craft or bridge. Would any of those suit you?

That's a shame that you don't feel you could go alone Diamond . Do you have a friend maybe in a similar situation ? Or what about trying a short break closer to home where you can come home if you hate it ?

I agree with Nina , I'm sorry your daughter uses your services for childcare but treats you with such a Cavalier attitude. Forgive me for being blunt, but she chose to have her children, you've done your bit. Can you have a proper, calm chat with her?

Don't feel guilty, your life is not supposed to be spent waiting to start .