HOLIDAYS

I think you've just cured all my fears about being estranged Diamondsgirl.

Your hospital appointments and your own life need to take precedence. There's no way you should be at the beck and call of your daughter.

I truly hope things improve for you soon. Have you got friends around you? Might be an idea to talk to them and see what insights they might offer. x

Thanks all, you have all put into print my feelings, I do feel rejected and ashamed that I do have this over me.

Childcare is a problem all the time, as my DD's in-laws are divorced, with MIL moving a great distance away and FIL not being able to drive (apart from being an odious person, a feeling shared by my late husband and my DD, but obviously as sil's father, she has to get along with him).

DD has made it clear that it is very inconvenient for me to take up hospital appointments, weekends away, hair appointmemts if it impacts on childcare, and I have to admit I feel dreadfully guilty if I let her down in this way. Holidays are the worst as I have to go to dd's house as she doesn't like waking the children early on their holidays to come to my house!

But all this is an undercurrent to the main problem..holidays. I am sorry I could not go on holiday on my own nanaandgrampy, it makes me feel ill just thinking about it, so that is not an option. I would not mind going on another singles trip, at some time, but my heart is in our special place and it would be wonderful to pass on some of the memories made there.

That is obviously not going to happen now, so have to generate my alternatives.

Thanks so much for listening, I know I am hurt, I know I am cross that this was concealed from me, and I know I am envious that her family time is at the expense of my peace of mind..and I wonder if it was her dad and not me to go away with, whether this situation would ever have arisen....silly thoughts keep jumping into my head....

I think your daughter probably feels guilty that they've booked a holiday and not told you. Not yet anyway.
But you did say that the last time you went it was a case of muddling through so although you're stoical about it, they may not feel quite so robust about doing it all again as one big happy family.

I've found that when life presents us with these little blots on the landscape, all that's really happening is that we're getting an incline or a gentle shove, that it's time to start heading off in a new direction. It's like life is saying time to get back out there and try something different and this could be the start of something really good.
The issue with the ongoing childminding sounds as though it's a different matter and not directly related to the holiday, rather it's a responsibility placed on you all year round.

So perhaps, although you're feeling justifiably peeved, I'd wait until you're feeling less peeved before you say anything to your daughter and in the meantime, I'd start thinking about new horizons and a different way of having a holiday to make you a bit more independent.

I didn't mean to suggest that you can never go on holiday with dd and family again. Just perhaps make it for a shorter time period, like an extended weekend.

As for the child care thing, yes, I agree you should talk to dd. Perhaps map out some regular times when you'll be on "vacation" from childminding. Then she has ample time to arrange other child care. During those specified times, you could do whatever you wanted, whether it involved traveling or just staying home and relazing.

I understand why you are feeling like this - it's a pity that your daughter didn't tell you. As for your only being free to go on holiday to suit her child care needs, you really must sit down and talk to her about this. It is simply not on. Does the regular child care impact on other things you would like to do throughout the year? Again, have a talk with her. You are now putting together the rest of your life- it shouldn't be circumscribed by child care unless you want it to be.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this .

I truly think that possibly your DD didn't tell you because she wanted to holiday this time with just her family and she knows this is a special place for you . Maybe they just didn't want to have to actually say no you're not invited, especially in the light of your recent financial generosity.

I think you also have to get used to not being invited every time . Is there any reason you couldn't go alone? Travelling with strangers can be stressful but if this is a place you know , love and are comfortable in - why not go alone? I don't mind solo travelling , you can pick and choose when you want to be sociable.

As for looking after the boys and impacting their child care, if they can afford to holiday they can afford to sort out alternative childcare if you want to go away. You're not the nanny, you Do have a life of your own and whilst helping out is fabulous you need to put yourself a little nearer the front of the queue!

I hope you book a wonderful holiday and enjoy it with your many precious memories.

Are you sure your DD intentionally hid her holiday plans from you diamondgirl? Perhaps she just hadn't got round to telling you?

It does seem strange that your DD hasn't told you about the holiday - especially as she's going to have to at some point!

Yes, it is onw of the downsides of widowhood you don't think about at first, and it's so easy to lose one's confidence in so many ways...perhaps you could mention you're thinking of going with the singles group again and see what your DD says?

(((Hugs))) (Oh for an edit button, so I could have added that above!)

Oh, meant to say, I think being widowed definitely has a "downside" that people don't often anticipate at first. Same with divorce, actually. I haven't experienced either, so far, fortunately for me, but Iv seen this with some of my friends and relatives.

So deeply sorry for your loss, diamondsgirl.

I don't think you're being "unfair" at all. It does seem odd that dd planned this vacation in one of your favorite places without mentioning it to you, particularly since you're the reason she and sil can afford it.

But maybe those are the reasons she didn't tell you. She and sil may really want to go there this time with just there own family and were worried you would want to join them or feel left out. Also, she might feel a little guilty about the financial part.

Also, if they had any idea that you thought you all "muddled along," whether "very well" or not, that might not be their idea of how a vacation should be. Iows, they might not have felt you really enjoyed it.

Or could it be that they didn't think it went so well? Is that what you're thinking underneath it all? 2 weeks is a long time to share a hot, crowded apartment. Maybe dd or sil wasn't so happy?

If that's the case, maybe you've dodged a bullet. A repeat performance may not have ended so well.