HOLIDAYS

I agree with the OP about the suggested downside to losing your partner. When my husband died very suddenly nine years ago, I realised within a very short time (a matter of days) how much you depend on having a partner for social occasions. One of my sons gently suggested we might all walk down to the village pub. We set off in a group but the pavements are narrow and eventually there was my daughter and her boyfriend (now husband) walking together and my younger son and his girlfriend the same. That was natural. I, walking alone, brought up the rear. I was pretty much choked and nearly turned back but pressed on. It was the loneliest feeling. Once we reached the pub, it wasn't so bad but the world is generally populated by couples and that can make a single woman's/widow's social life tricky. I'm not a sad person, rather the opposite and I have my karate to get me out of the house several times a week but other forms of socialising are now few and far between.

My daughter often suggests a jamboree family holiday and, while not wanting to reject or disappoint her, I can't fancy the idea of being the odd one tagging along behind all the couples ever again, especially in a foreign country! Holidays themselves are not important enough for me to want to relive that feeling of nine years ago.

My chosen holiday is one I've been on every year for the last nineteen years. It's the karate summer school week. Everyone who attends is there to do karate and most are individuals. My late husband had no interest in karate so I have always gone alone.

As far as childcare goes, I now have two grandsons but they live in Bristol and I'm in Northumberland so visits both ways are regular but well spaced. My daughter is lucky enough to be a full time mum and would be even if I lived next door so being taken for granted doesn't arise. However, when I visited recently for several weeks to help with the newborn, they were so grateful, plied me with as much of my favourite Malbec as I could drink and bent over backwards to help me to train at a local karate club.

So, OP, I recommend finding something to join, a class or club with like minded people to take you out of yourself and break your dependence on your daughter. Find some daytime activities. It sounds as if your daughter needs you so she's unlikely to want to fall out with you and risk losing your help altogether. You deserve your own life. Take small steps away from dependence and do something risky.

Oops yes, my apologies. I did read the original post, but came back the next day to comment. I still feel however, that the OP is being taken advantage of by her family and I would even go so far as to say it verges on bullying. They should be aware that you are doing this out of the goodness of your heart and wanting to help the family and that it is not a 'right' for them to have you childmind for them. You have a right to a life of your own.

The very fact that you do all the childminding is impacting upon you making new friends who you could possibly go on holiday with, which isn't fair. As many others on here have said, you need a heart to heart conversation with your DD and explain how you are feeling about holidaying in general; perhaps this will give her a wake up call and make her see how unreasonable she is being. I hope you sort it out

Maybe dd thought their going away on their own would give you a break?

Anyway, perhaps you can work out something with her where you get one day off during the week, so you can schedule appointments then. As a pp said, she does need a backup, anyhow. What if you fell ill or had to have surgery?

You have the weekends off, surely? Maybe dd thinks you should schedule appointments then? But you shouldn't have to use your weekends for that. And pps are correct, imo, she has no right to dictate your appointment schedule.

You seem to me to be conflicted, wanting more free time but wanting to be with them on vacation. Imo, you need to be clear in your own mind whether you really want more free time or not before you speak to dd.

As a pp said, the childcare problem will ease up once they're in school. But then you'll have more free time on your hands. Do you have any idea how you'll fill it? You need to start preparing yourself for that now.

Hello Diamondsgirl I was also widowed when my DH died of cancer so I know how you feel. You're right, one of the downsides of widowhood is that you lose your travelling companion and have to think of a new strategy for holidaying. You have only been bereaved for 4 years and your loss is naturally still painful.
Lots of grandparents feel left out of things. Our adult children get on with their own lives. They're busy people and sometimes a bit thoughtless.
I don't think it really matters WHY you weren't informed of DD's holiday plans. I would just let that one go and concentrate on carving out a social life for yourself.
As nina1959 advises "it's time to start heading in a new direction and to be independent" and I think other gransnetters have advised you well.
I help look after my grandchildren regularly but I go on holiday twice a year when it suits me. I simply tell DD and SIL my dates and leave them to make alternative childcare arrangements. Likewise with hospital, dental etc appointments. Yes, it's a bit inconvenient for them but we have needs too, don't we.

I think you are amazing looking after the gc all the time. I do think you need to have a honest talk with your dd.children do go to childminders and nurseries you know! And you do have a life of your own if you care for one.
I think you may have put all your eggs in the one basket of your dd and family.
It's hard to do things on your own,but if you could have interests you want to persue then you should tell your dd. Before you know it the kids will be at school and you'll only be required in the holidays, that will make for long term times without company....
Local u 3 a groups are a good start,you can do once a month groups,and you don't HAVE to go every month.
Having a bit of a life outside the family would help with your confidence I think.Baby steps.....good luck......

I also think you are entitled to (at least) six weeks pa holiday if not more and you should sit your DD down and agree with her which day(s) you are prepared to do childcare, bearing in mind you may have to alter that if an important appointment comes up.

What a horrible person to take you for granted and lay down the law. Be firm ...let them pay as others do.

its not ungrateful at all,surely the daughter and her family are entitled to time on their own.I dont understand the concept of taking your mother on holiday with you,surely when you have young children you want to put them to bed at night and have time for just the two of you.....or were we odd?We wouldn't have wanted my mum or my mum in law to be there 24/7 on the only break we were likely to have for a whole year.I dont think thats unreasonable at all.I DO think its unreasonable of the OP to think she should be included, did she and her late husband not want time alone on holiday.The childcare is entirely a different issue as is the monetary gift ...and she should keep them seperate .If one is dppendent on the other maybe she needs to say so and leyt her daughter arrange a different carer for the GC

I'm sorry that they have arranged this holiday without having the courtesy to mention it to you as they must realise that particular place will bring back painful memories for you.

It doesn't sound as if you have found new friends, social interests or made a life for yourself since your DH died but have made yourself too readily available for your DD who seems to be taking you for granted.
It is you who should be making it clear to your DD that you will be unavailable for childcare if you have a hospital appointment etc - you should be able to give her reasonable notice and she must make alternative arrangements. As for expecting you to travel there because the DGC don't want to get up in the holidays? How old are they? Our young DGC are always up at the crack of dawn!

I do hope you can join some social groups and perhaps find some like-minded single people who may want companionship on holiday. U3A groups go on holidays I think.
It may be hard at first but I think it will be worth it in the end.

How unfair is your DD re hospital app etc. She chose to have children. Let them pay for childcare when you want 'time off' . You've done your bit. I'm sorry for you that you raised such an ungrateful and self centred person. Let her keep her holiday days for when YOU need days for apps or indeed holiday.

I may have got confused but is this the same daughter that expects you babysit at the expense of hospital appointments, hairdressers etc? And then doesn't invite you for a bit of a holiday with them? Sounds rather ungrateful, if so. I would look at getting a bit busy, as in unavailable unless it suits you.

I am so sorry for your loss, I too lost my DH two years ago, so can fully emphasise with what you are going through.

I am quite sure your DD did not tell you because she did not want to hurt you. I did exactly the same to my parents many years ago. We had up to then spent every single holiday with my parents either at their home (abroad) or here at our house. We just really wanted a family holiday by ourselves for once. We went ahead and booked two weeks in Spain just for our little family. We never did tell my parents, even though they invited us to the same place the same year a bit later to celebrate when their insurance matured. It would have broken their hearts to know it was not a very special holiday in new surroundings for us all. The children never said a word either as they too understood how much it would have hurt my parents.
You are so lucky to see your DD and grandchildren a lot, you all need space from each other some times and please remember your DD is grieving too, she needs to do that on her own without having to consider your feelings/grieve all the time.
I wish you all the best for the future and hope you can make a good life for yourself with some new friends as I have done.

Getting on for 4 years, last six months almost as bad as first 6 months. Wonderful friends but they are younger, have parents my age, children, jobs and great social lives, yet still find time for me. Don't want to be a drag.

Desperately miss our life, didn't realise how lonely you can feel even in a crowd. Married nearly 60 years. Do a lot of voluntary work, which does help as see people younger than me, but less fortunate.. After a certain time people go back to their lives, don't mean to abandon you, but that's the way life is. My Sister in Law suddenly said wanted nothing to do with with me over something that upset her 9 years ago, yet she didn't raise it with her brother then, saved it for me when vulnerable!

We are all coping in different ways, no two people are the same

Find a holiday involving some shared interest. I run art holidays and have a lot of single people who come for a week sketching in a lovely place and seeing the sights. Some of them are very nervous the first time but after the first day the group gels and some good friendships are formed with some students coming again and again. Some haven't drawn since school but that doesn't matter, it is all about having fun. You may have an interest in bird watching, history, cooking, oh a whole host of things and there will be a holiday for you. If you do book an interest holiday make sure you chat on the phone or by email with the person running it to find out the number and make up of the group and to allay any fears you may have. travel to a venue may worry you but many companies, the one I work for for example, who arrange all the transfers from the station or airport and will pick you up. Please don't give up and make sure you have your holidays when you want them, you can give plenty of notice so alternative childcare can be found, after all you chose to have your children, they chose to have your grandchildren. If you do happen to be interested in art look at my website www.soniahawes.co.uk or if it is something else email me and I'll let you know if I know of something, email on the website

- I used the wrong bracket!

I've a feeling that your daughter has got used to your being at her bidding 24/7 which is not as it should be. You bring up your children to be independent adults and she is still behaving like a dependent adolescent. This paragraph is the most revealing:
DD has made it clear that it is very inconvenient for me to take up hospital appointments, weekends away, hair appointmemts if it impacts on childcare, and I have to admit I feel dreadfully guilty if I let her down in this way. Holidays are the worst as I have to go to dd's house as she doesn't like waking the children early on their holidays to come to my house!
Not waking her children early on the holidays - For goodness sake. You really have made a rod for your own back if you didn't object to this condition. And she has absolutely no right to tell you when you can go for hospital appointments. It's YOUR life and you have given quite enough of it to her and her children. Will she get her comeuppance when her offspring have their own children and call on her for granny duty?
I sometimes regret not living close enough to be involved with my GC. Having read some accounts of GPs' childcare commitments, maybe I'm not so sure! As for holidays - they have been more than generous to me. I've been on a number of caravan holidays in France with DS1,his wife and family and loved it. I was never exploited or expected to child-mind. The caravan was sold some years ago and they took up camping. When they went camping in Spain last year I was glad not to be expected to go with them! At my age (then 75)? Camping? [shock} However, this year they are going back to lovely Provence and they urged me to go with them. So I am putting my qualms behind me and taking the risk of camping.

I sympathise with your situation completely and agree that you are being taken for granted. Hospital appts? Good grief, you have to take those when needed. As to your personal appointments, that's just being selfish... you have a life and it's not to be their unpaid nanny. You are a grandmother and deserve respect and many many thank-yous (flowers or a bottle of wine now and then, or a gift voucher for your hairdresser)if they cannot afford to treat you on hols or dinners out, Sunday lunches etc to show their appreciation.

You need your weekends away. If they work, then isn't childcare for the time in the week? They want it for weekend? If it's just an evening out, they can surely afford a sitter!

But I also might ask...do you think your daughter might feel that these holidays at this sentimental place are very emotional for you and she isn't comfortable dwelling on the loss of her father with you whenever you go back? Maybe she wants a more carefree time?

Still... selfish is the first word that comes to me, but young parents who have helpful grandparents are easily taken for granted without a though. You need to speak up!!!

I think they are stinkers! Of all the places they could have gone had they genuinely fancied a break, to go there and not even run it by you is brutish. I really feel for you.

How can people be so thoughtless???? Grrrrrrrrrrrr

I suspect you have made yourself so accommodationg, that they still see you as the parent of their childhood, someone with very few needs of her own that take priority over theirs.You will just have to be your own priority now.

Tell them what you will do re. childminding and if you are not available then they will have to find someone else for that time.

You have to asert youself, you are not there to bail them out, mind their kids and be put to one side when it suits them. They are adults and must manage their own finances, just as they have managed their own holiday arrangments.

Say little, but behave differently. Give them the dates you won't be around and save your money to spend on your own life.

They will respect you more for being your own person.

High time that some Grans started putting themselves first where they have ungrateful and demanding families.If you act like a doormat then you get walked over.
By all meand help out, but do it around what suits you.
If you go on holiday with your family OP do you still do the childcare and the cooking?
I would rather have a quiet time myself either at home, or somewhere nice in the UK.

I was widowed before my daughter had met my now ex son in law. Once she did meet him we no longer went on holidays together as his mother thought this was very odd and my daughter just went along with it to stop arguments. His parents were still alive and went away often together but I was supposed to go away on my own. I looked after my grandchildren on a regular basis for them, having sleep overs every weekend and sometimes during the week so that my daughter could work the shifts her job demanded whilst I was working full time myself. The final straw for me was when the grandkiddies told me that they were going on holiday with their next door neighbour and family. My daughter finally told me a week before they went, mainly to let me know that I wouldn't be needed to look after the kiddies that week. I was very upset at the time, not so much that they were going away but more that it had been kept secret from me until the last minute - I could have arranged to go away myself given enough notice - for 8 years I didn't get a holiday away. Even now my ex son in law tries to spoil holiday time by demanding days when he knows we have already booked to go away or by bringing the kiddies back a day late so spoiling our arrangements.

OP, can i just check, do you have 1 DD or 2? In your OP, you refer to 'my younger daughter' which implies that you have more than one - but all the answers so far seem to assume that you only have 1 DD - and that is the one that you do childcare for... Which is correct?
I'm sorry that you feel 'left out', but as pp have asked, did you take your DP or DPIL on holiday with you when your child/ren were small...? I didn't, and I've never been on holiday with either of my DC (nice though it would be, it's their family holiday...)
I too am on my own, and neither DC lives close to me, but I have a good circle of friends and try hard to socialise with them - including the occasional long weekend away.
I think that you do have to discuss childcare arrangements with your DD - it really isn't acceptable for her to object to you having medical appointments etc - so bite the bullet and do that ASAP.
Then book some days out with friends to give you something to look forward to - it'll gradually get better - and you've got the support of GN behind you

The "being invited on holiday with them" is a completely separate issue from the "childcare"issue!

Re the childcare your daughter is really not being fair to you. The childcare problems are her problems, not yours...you are not creating those problems by going away, your planned absences are just part and parcel of their childcare arrangements! We look after our grandchildren one day a week. We always give plenty of notice if we are going to be away, and when on short trips we try to work the round our childcare day. However my son ad DIL know that if we are away, it is their responsibility!!! I think you need a clear discussion with your DD that you plan to have two (say) trips away each year and will not be available on the following dates in 2017. (one of the might have to take leave and they have shorter holidays if there really is no other solution!)

Re going away with them ...are you upset because not invited or upset because she didn't tell you ...or both.? Re not telling you, talk to her...ask her why she didn't mention it ...say you hope it wasn't because she felt awkward ....and wish them a happy holiday. Arrange to go away for a while whilst they are away! If upset about not being invited that's human to feel it but as I think you know, probably not fair! Have you an interest you could use as a basis for a holiday ...painting holiday or whatever so with others with similar interests?

Its hard I know

I'm so sorry you're feeling so hurt and upset. I honestly think there is so much more to be addressed here than disappointment over the holiday. Your daughter is being selfish in expecting you to put your life on hold for the sake of herself and her family. You are absolutely entitled to have a life of your own without recourse to her needs. Obviously if you are not able to look after the children you must give her reasonable notice. Don't forget YOU are the one doing her a favour and as such you are entitled to some say in the arrangements. I know addressing these issues will be difficult but if you don't you will continue to feel resentful and taken for granted which may lead to a far worse may blow up (literally) in the future.

I do emphasise with you. It is hard when you are newly on your own and I can see why you feel left out. It is normal though for them to want to holiday as a family especially as it seems both parents are working so time with the little ones is precious. Plan you self a nice relaxing time. Do whatever you consider a treat and when they return you will feel as though you have had a holiday too. Be kind to yourself