Difficult granddaughter

Thank you everybody. I knew i would get good advice from gransnetters.

Elegran thank you for the comparison. I hadn't seen that one. There was never any doubt that she would have the vaccine as the benefits far outweigh the possible side effects, but I thought it better to tell my daughter what I had found.

I am visiting them next weekend so will see how she is then. But when I'm around she is always just lovely!
Thank you all.

Sounds like a classic Street angel house devil to coin an old Irish phrase.
Teenagers can turn on the ones they love the most as they trust them enough to do so.
This information is no consolation when your teen is angry and saying things that are hurtful.
I had to work for anything I wanted at that age but I'm not sure of the legal working age now?? If mum is providing 'everything ' then I would be suggesting dgd should be doing something to earn expensive haircuts and latest fashion accessories.
I would be wary of getting involved unless dgd wants advice. Sounds like you are already supporting your daughter as best you can.
With regards to the hpv jabs I think they're a great idea personally, I know somebody who has the hpv virus and it's not great ?

Bluebe11 Thank you. I do agree with you. I think maybe it's my DD I need to talk to! I have sort of said it before but perhaps I'll repeat it a little sterner this time.

Both your Dd and Gd need kindness and love to get through these difficult years. Your Gd sounds entirely normal and to some extent I agree with the person who said "ignore" the bad behaviour. I would ignore the "sound" of texts, they always sound worse particularly if you are expecting them to be bad. If there is a confrontation to say very calmly, "Let's discuss this when we are both feeling calmer." If you're daughter shouts or argues forcefully, things will just escalate. It is a really difficult time for both of them but your DD must try not to take things too personally but to remember that one of the reasons your GD feels she can behave badly towards her (but not teachers, etc) is because she feels comfortable with her Mum. She probably has to hold all her negativity in all day and it has to come out somewhere. Fitting in as so important to teenagers, particularly girls, and that is a struggle for her too. Your DD just needs to hold on to the fact that things will get better and she is helping her DD to navigate her emotions. As for you getting involved, it will make your DGD feel that all her trusted adults are 'against' her which would not be good.

My daughter was an absolute horror from about 13 to 16, often reducing me to tears. Her anger was always aimed at me. Now in her mid 40's she is the most thoughtful, loving and caring daughter. I once mentioned her youthful behaviour and she got quite tearful and kept apologising.
On the subject of the vaccination, I was on the verge of cervical cancer in my early 30's, picked up by a routine smear luckily. The cause was the HP virus. I would always urge mothers to encourage daughters to have the vaccination. I ended up having a full hysterectomy, but luckily I am still here.

Bluebe11 That was a brilliant post. I am going to file it away for when our DGD gets older. I'm going to be almost 80 when she turns 13, and am sure her mum and she will clash, just as DIL clashed with her mum, and in a hissy fit dashed out at 16 and got a HUGE tattoo on her shoulder blade area. Oh how she regrets it now and understands why her mum freaked out as tattoos that size are for ever.

Her mum is a great support to her now and they try to meet up for weekends as she lives in Germany.

My mum had a wonderful saying
"No audience, no performance"

With regards to being the parent of a Teenager whose hormones are all over the place :

You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.?

I can speak from experience because I was that teenager, and I can remember those times so well. All I know is that however hard I tested my Mum, I still wanted her to be there for me.

Speaking to a friend today, she remembers being 15 and telling her mother -"I know everything, Mum."
She can hardly believe now that she thought that.

My son was a nightmare in his teenage years and my DH and I had no idea whether he would pull through it or end up in some situation we could not put right or on the streets. We certainly couldn't see anyone employing him. At 28 he is an employed graduate and as nice as pie.

We gritted our teeth, stuck to our guns as to what was acceptable and what wasn't and kept on from day to day. Our most frequent comment to each other then was, 'two steps forward, one step back.'

My sympathies are with your DD as she is being abused by the DGD. Your DD needs support and the rebelling young lady needs to know that everyone is onside with her mother and the adult world. Teenagers cannot be allowed to bully their parents.

I have worked my way through three teen- age girls, one daughter and two granddaughters. IMHO they do grow out of it, although it can be very trying at times.My daughter was an horrendous teenager but she is now my best friend, a wonderful wife and a doting mother of three.
My advice, for what it is worth, is be there when she wants to talk, try not to be too judgemental, don't give into all of her demands, especially for expensive haircuts, she may be thirteen but she is still a child, and last but by no means least, love her, this one might be a bit difficult at times but well worth the effort.

Grandmac, why not buy your daughter 'How to Talk to Kids so Kids Will Listen and Listen to Kids so Kids will Talk' by Faber and Mazlish. Paperback or Kindle, one of the best £8 you will ever spend. Good luck!

we found that whhen our daughter wanted to either go somewhere we weren't sure about or to have something we didn't think was a great idea we would tell her we'd "think about it and get back to her" by the time we'd made enquiries ,one time of the local police about a Rave she wanted to go to ( she was 14) she'd usually gone off the idea and we escaped the arguement that could have happened if we;d said NO outright .As it happens we took the advice of that police sergeant and were allowing her to go,with conditions,but she said Oh I've changed my mind ,Teenage girls are a minnefield of worriies and problems .I wish your DD a safe journey through it

I think this is normal behaviour, bet she becomes a lovely young woman, but it us a testing time. Unless you are asked for help I wouldn't get involved, she will have the vaccination because all her friends will. It is a very testing time those teenage years.