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(33 Posts)
Henanbien64 Sat 20-May-17 17:31:43

We are m

Henanbien64 Sat 20-May-17 17:54:38

We are divorced and remarried.My husband has two sons. One of them has two girls which are really sweet.Because we live on an Island it needs a ferry crossing.We usually meet half way. I find this meeting up a really nice way to meet up. The problem is I don't get on with the son.Every time we meet he keeps on about staying with us. That means an invasion to me!They are both very religious and insist on being permanently smiley. They take over the bathroom and try to take over the kitchen. I have a back problem which means I have to take painkillers all the time. I find the way they invite themselves really annoying.We are never invited there. Not that I want to!I hate with a passion anyone staying in my house.It was never done when I was young and I would never dream of inviting myself anywhere.I think they also do this to their friends. Am I being unreasonable?

mumofmadboys Sat 20-May-17 18:06:29

Could you compromise and agree to a short stay like three days and two nights? You may surprise yourself and enjoy it! Your DH would probably be pleased. Good luck!

Norah Sat 20-May-17 18:40:53

No, you are not unreasonable. Can't they find accommodations in the village?

Christinefrance Sat 20-May-17 19:20:58

I agree with mumofmadboys, try a short stay, marriage often means compromise in some areas. Why do you dislike having people to stay ?

paddyann Sat 20-May-17 19:53:58

they're your husbands family its not unreasonable of them to want to stay at their fathers/grandpa's home.I think you need to put your dislike of him aside and try to be friends for your husbands sake

wildswan16 Sat 20-May-17 20:16:17

Are you saying that you go over to the mainland to meet them there, rather than them crossing to the island? I may be reading it wrong. Was your stepson brought up on the island? If so I can certainly understand why he might prefer to come over and stay with you. Sorry if I have misunderstood your post.

Norah Sat 20-May-17 20:39:11

Why should Henanbien64 give up the tranquility of her home? DS finding accommodation in the village?

Starlady Sun 21-May-17 12:42:55

But, Norah, some people see the "stay in the village" idea as offensive. Henanbien's dh may be shocked if she suggests that his ds and family do that. Or ds may get angry and this may cause drama. If it does, dh may well blame Henanbien. Imo, it's not as simple as it seems at face value.

Henanbien, I'm sorry you're faced with this. I think you need to talk it over with dh. Let him know your concerns without sounding too critical of ds. Maybe you can compromise on the length of the visit, as mumofmadboys suggests. Or make some ground rules about the use of the kitchen and bathroom. I'm sure the two of you can figure something out.

Ilovecheese Sun 21-May-17 12:53:49

It is your home and you have a right to feel comfortable there.
Could you present the two problems separately? I mean say something like "It is not that I don't like your son, I am really fond of him (even if you are not!) it is just that we never had people to stay when I was young and I feel too old to start now.

Starlady Sun 21-May-17 13:00:07

But wait... If they're the "smiley" type of religious people, then I suppose there won't be drama - at least not on the surface. But there might be resentment underneath or dh might fear there will be. Imo, dh's feelings are key here.

But Henanbien, I'm not sure what you mean when you say they "take over" the kitchen and bathroom. Do you mean with their things? Or that you can't get in there when you want?

Have you tried to do anything about this? If it's a matter of their spreading out, could you give them a shelf in the bathroom or a space on the kitchen counter or something specifically for their things? Would that help? If it's that you can't get in when you want, have you tried speaking up about it? "I need to get in the bathroom to take my medicine."... "I'm going to be using the kitchen between 4 & 6" or whatever.

Also, given your back problems, I hope dh does most of the entertaining and cleaning up when they're there. In fact, I hope they clean up after themselves and maybe cook a meal or two for you people or take you out to dinner once or twice.

glammanana Sun 21-May-17 13:17:00

There are some people who can cope with visitors and welcome with open arms and some who can't aren't there.obviously you have invited them previously for you to be aware of their shortfalls with regard to taking over certain ares and it didn't work out well but at least you have tried in the past.
Could you all not get together in a short term holiday let and split the cost between you that way your OH will have close contact with his grand-daughters.

Norah Sun 21-May-17 13:43:14

Starlady, no, staying in the village is not offensive. What puts you up to that notion?

paddyann Sun 21-May-17 14:32:39

I'm kind of lost for words with this ,there are people on this site who are desperate for family to visit and this lady doesn't want her SS and his family...I thought if you married someone who already had children you accepted they were part of the deal .If you truly care about your husband and HE wants them to stay then you have to make a compromise and agree to even a short stay .Or is your marriage your way or no way ?Thats not really how it should work.

Norah Sun 21-May-17 15:03:18

paddyann, OP and her DH are not forced to have them stay in their home to have a visit. PP noted a holiday let, meeting midpoint, and staying in the village. PP have not said not to have visits.

notnecessarilywiser Sun 21-May-17 16:50:08

Before I can express an opinion, I'd like to know :

1) Whether OP's home was her stepson's previous family home or her home prior to marrying DH. Or neither.
2) What OP's DH's opinion is about the visits.

rosesarered Sun 21-May-17 16:55:13

I find this strange as I wouldn't dream of any family members or friends staying anywhere else than with us.
If it is for less than a week, can't you put up with it? Being smiley and religious doesn't sound bad to me!

Starlady Sun 21-May-17 20:00:43

Norah, I don't find it offensive to be asked to stay in the village, but some people do. We don't know if the op's dh or her ss feel this way.

Paddyann, on the other hand, the op has a say in what happens in her home surely? I agree it shouldn't be "her way or no way," but it shouldn't be all her dh's way either. Accepting dh's ac as "part of the deal" doesn't mean she has to have them stay in her and dh's home either. It just means she has to accept that they're going to be in her life.

Meanwhile, op, I'm not sure what you mean when you say you "don't get on with" ss. Do the 2 of you argue a lot, even if he does it with a smile? Or is it just that you're uncomfortable around him and sdil?

Norah Mon 22-May-17 11:59:10


paddyann Mon 22-May-17 12:25:53

she doesn't like smiley religious people .Wasn't there a post on here from a lady whose husband didn't like her children staying or visiting them and everyone was up in arms about it....the answer seemed to be HE should go out so they could visit .Maybe thats this ladies answer She could have abreak elsewhere while his family spend time with him .

lizzypopbottle Mon 22-May-17 15:14:57

I'm not religious in any way and if a partner's adult children tried to turn my home into a happy clappy place of worship, I think I'd get cheesed off pretty quickly. (I know there's been no actual statement of that but it does sound possible!)

Everthankful Mon 22-May-17 15:17:23

I find this very sad. Such a shame that personal feelings can't be put aside for a while to make someone else happy by welcoming their family to stay. I thought loving someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them would include putting yourself out occasionally to make them happy

Norah Mon 22-May-17 15:45:23

Why oh why do they have to stay with them? Why not at an inn, airbnb or carvan rental?

Welshwife Mon 22-May-17 16:24:48

Personally I welcome Dh's family exactly the same as I do my own - and their partners/husbands/wives/ children etc. I would suggest that finances could be a point in whether or not people are able to pay to get to the home town of the OP and also pay to stay somewhere! We have friends who have downsized to a small flat and he books and pays for local accommodation for visiting family members.

I have one friend who had a partner who refused to allow her family to stay in their house so she visited the family instead - stayed longer than intended and found herself a flat to move into while she was there!

Jalima1108 Mon 22-May-17 16:35:14

Good idea if they do insist on coming to stay, then your cheek muscles will not be aching from all the smiling you have to do Henanbien64!

However, if the distance between you is not too far then there's no reason why you can't continue to meet up in between your two homes - it would be nice to keep up the good relationship between you whereas it could break down if they come to stay and you feel resentful.