In-laws

What happened to the OP? Not been back for advice

I sympathise with the OP. I hate having people come to my home. It's my safe place.

That said the MIL has stayed twice but I was on edge all the time she was here and it took me a few days to recover properly after she'd gone.

It doesn't matter what the "family attitude" is. It's Henan's home and she deserves the respect to be able to issue invitations for when she wants overnight guests. If she never does than that is her prerogative.

Henan, have you talked to your husband about this intrusion? Would he be comfortable telling his son that you'd both love for his family to visit but would prefer they stay in the village?

Love your post, Nanarose!

Of course we are all different when it comes to the feeling about family staying. However,the person whose views are pivotal has got to be Henanbien's husband!
He knows whether the 'family attitude' would be 'you must stay with us', he knows how much going over to 'the island' matters to his son & family, and he knows Henanbien's issues - both around her illness and feeling about 'visitors'.
My own feeling is that it is also up to him, as such an important person in both families' lives, to talk to his son. I would suggest an explanation around her illness (as much as she is happy with) and (if possible) an offer to pay for the accommodation.
Another possibility (which again would depend on finances and how Henanbien feels) would be for her to need a visit to her own family / friends / spa hotel on the mainland. Son & family could then visit father, and she would be spared their happy-clappiness!

I understand I'm odd,I see it from others responses on here all the time.We have had allsorts of people stay with us ,son in laws parents,exchange students, friends of friends who were coming from abroad that they couldn't fit into their house ,OH's cousins from Australia that he''d never met ,my cousin from Canada that I'd never met and I could go on and on ....I would never dream of asking close family to stay anywhere else but in our home for any reason ,thats just plain ill mannered

DD and DS both live abroad (in different countries) and when we go to visit we always stay in a cottage or apartment so we are not always on top of each other. One lives in the US and the other in Thailand so a 3 day visit for example is a bit of a non starter. We visit their homes and they visit our temporary one but we all do our own things when we want to. Everyone keeps their independence and we don't get on each other's nerves too much! If they come back to the UK they tend to use our house as a base but visit old friends all over the place, which again gives us all our space.

Guests are like fish, go off after 3 days!. I sympathise with OP as I am not that keen on visitors but family you have to put up with. Hope for good weather and they go out, you don't have to go with them, you have a bad back. Also go and have a quiet lie down in your room especially when things get tough. You have your back as an excuse. It also gives your husband a chance to spend time alone with his son and grandchildren and talk about old times and maybe friends you don't know.

As for staying in the village, a couple and children, would be expensive.

I remember a post where the OP and husband were dancing around the kitchen as the visitors had gone, when the visitors walked back in as the had forgotten something.

paddyann
Good idea if they do insist on coming to stay, then your cheek muscles will not be aching from all the smiling you have to do Henanbien64!

However, if the distance between you is not too far then there's no reason why you can't continue to meet up in between your two homes - it would be nice to keep up the good relationship between you whereas it could break down if they come to stay and you feel resentful.

Personally I welcome Dh's family exactly the same as I do my own - and their partners/husbands/wives/ children etc. I would suggest that finances could be a point in whether or not people are able to pay to get to the home town of the OP and also pay to stay somewhere! We have friends who have downsized to a small flat and he books and pays for local accommodation for visiting family members.

I have one friend who had a partner who refused to allow her family to stay in their house so she visited the family instead - stayed longer than intended and found herself a flat to move into while she was there!

Why oh why do they have to stay with them? Why not at an inn, airbnb or carvan rental?

I find this very sad. Such a shame that personal feelings can't be put aside for a while to make someone else happy by welcoming their family to stay. I thought loving someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them would include putting yourself out occasionally to make them happy

I'm not religious in any way and if a partner's adult children tried to turn my home into a happy clappy place of worship, I think I'd get cheesed off pretty quickly. (I know there's been no actual statement of that but it does sound possible!)

she doesn't like smiley religious people .Wasn't there a post on here from a lady whose husband didn't like her children staying or visiting them and everyone was up in arms about it....the answer seemed to be HE should go out so they could visit .Maybe thats this ladies answer She could have abreak elsewhere while his family spend time with him .

Offensive?

Norah, I don't find it offensive to be asked to stay in the village, but some people do. We don't know if the op's dh or her ss feel this way.

Paddyann, on the other hand, the op has a say in what happens in her home surely? I agree it shouldn't be "her way or no way," but it shouldn't be all her dh's way either. Accepting dh's ac as "part of the deal" doesn't mean she has to have them stay in her and dh's home either. It just means she has to accept that they're going to be in her life.

Meanwhile, op, I'm not sure what you mean when you say you "don't get on with" ss. Do the 2 of you argue a lot, even if he does it with a smile? Or is it just that you're uncomfortable around him and sdil?

I find this strange as I wouldn't dream of any family members or friends staying anywhere else than with us.
If it is for less than a week, can't you put up with it? Being smiley and religious doesn't sound bad to me!

Before I can express an opinion, I'd like to know :

1) Whether OP's home was her stepson's previous family home or her home prior to marrying DH. Or neither.
2) What OP's DH's opinion is about the visits.

paddyann, OP and her DH are not forced to have them stay in their home to have a visit. PP noted a holiday let, meeting midpoint, and staying in the village. PP have not said not to have visits.

I'm kind of lost for words with this ,there are people on this site who are desperate for family to visit and this lady doesn't want her SS and his family...I thought if you married someone who already had children you accepted they were part of the deal .If you truly care about your husband and HE wants them to stay then you have to make a compromise and agree to even a short stay .Or is your marriage your way or no way ?Thats not really how it should work.

Starlady, no, staying in the village is not offensive. What puts you up to that notion?

There are some people who can cope with visitors and welcome with open arms and some who can't aren't there.obviously you have invited them previously for you to be aware of their shortfalls with regard to taking over certain ares and it didn't work out well but at least you have tried in the past.
Could you all not get together in a short term holiday let and split the cost between you that way your OH will have close contact with his grand-daughters.

But wait... If they're the "smiley" type of religious people, then I suppose there won't be drama - at least not on the surface. But there might be resentment underneath or dh might fear there will be. Imo, dh's feelings are key here.

But Henanbien, I'm not sure what you mean when you say they "take over" the kitchen and bathroom. Do you mean with their things? Or that you can't get in there when you want?

Have you tried to do anything about this? If it's a matter of their spreading out, could you give them a shelf in the bathroom or a space on the kitchen counter or something specifically for their things? Would that help? If it's that you can't get in when you want, have you tried speaking up about it? "I need to get in the bathroom to take my medicine."... "I'm going to be using the kitchen between 4 & 6" or whatever.

Also, given your back problems, I hope dh does most of the entertaining and cleaning up when they're there. In fact, I hope they clean up after themselves and maybe cook a meal or two for you people or take you out to dinner once or twice.

It is your home and you have a right to feel comfortable there.
Could you present the two problems separately? I mean say something like "It is not that I don't like your son, I am really fond of him (even if you are not!) it is just that we never had people to stay when I was young and I feel too old to start now.

But, Norah, some people see the "stay in the village" idea as offensive. Henanbien's dh may be shocked if she suggests that his ds and family do that. Or ds may get angry and this may cause drama. If it does, dh may well blame Henanbien. Imo, it's not as simple as it seems at face value.

Henanbien, I'm sorry you're faced with this. I think you need to talk it over with dh. Let him know your concerns without sounding too critical of ds. Maybe you can compromise on the length of the visit, as mumofmadboys suggests. Or make some ground rules about the use of the kitchen and bathroom. I'm sure the two of you can figure something out.