DD and SIL splitting up

I'm in the same position GrandmaL so I can totally empathise. After two years (and vile behaviour from her ex - I'll be sending her the curse!) she's happier, more confident and is able not to be so influenced/intimidated by SiL. Hopefully your SiL is not of the same ilk and you will be spared that horror. Be there for your DD, always listening and supporting. Good luck.

maryhoffman37 has said exactly what I was thinking, you are almost certain to continue to see your daughter's children and it would be generous to include your SIL's parent(s) in the family.

But do be prepared for the inevitable fall-out when divorce proceedings start - people become difficult and unpleasant even if they have agreed that it will be an "amicable" separation, and your DD will need all the support she can get. His parents may not accept that he is in any way in the wrong.

Fortunately my DS and DIL are still together (though he doesn't always behave very well towards her) and I have always gone out of my way to support her whenever things were tough. I certainly know which side my bread is buttered....

It is so important to get on well with your DIL/SIL - I can never understand why some mothers resent it when their children marry and their partner becomes the centre of their life. This is what should happen for their marriage to succeed and parents must take a step back.

I'm so very sorry to hear this. As mother's mother, you are likely to retain quality time with your grandchild. Perhaps you could reach out to your co-grandmother on a strictly no-blame basis to make sure she has the same?

Just be strong and listen without comment and take over care of GC when DD needs a break.You cannot let your feelings show as it is about them not you. Initially it's a shock but it usually ends up ok.

I have said many times on GN that I have a very good relationship with my ex DiL and we see a lot of each other. I am Nana to her other two children. It is obviously easier with another woman who is the mother of my GD.
I was on amicable terms with estranged SiL and he txtd me when I had eye problems and the op on my knee.
He and my D speak regularly about the GC and when he came over for 2 weeks recently he visited every day and they all went out for dinner twice.
This may all change when they get round to divorce and he remarries. We shall see.
Money matters have a way of bringing out another side of people.

GrandmaL it is awful and the whole family will grieve for the loss of a relationship but it will get better in time.

Another thought, grandmai. I'm not sure how long your daughter has been in a relationship with your son in law and how well you know his parents. If you get on well you may find you all have similar feelings. If this is the case a grandparent united approach with your grandson could help everyone. I'm sure there will be ups and downs and as you say could get worse before emotions and practicalities settle into a pattern. Hang on in there.

I sent 'The Curse' to my daughter and she enjoyed it so thank you Phoenix and harrigran. A bit of nonsense can ease a horrible situation for a moment.

GrandmaL, this is a good place to rant safely. I am being very careful in real life and will take on board the good advice to be polite to The Idiot.

Definitely stay neutral at least in the short term. It could be a totally amicable break and taking sides won't help. However if it turns out your SIL has been a swine and your DD is upset then use the curse. I wish I'd known it when my sister's husband turned out to be a total .....well he's a banker by profession and the word I'm thinking of rhymes with it .

Try not to worry about your DGC. Children cope with all sorts of things and it's better for them to live in a split family than one where there is constant bad feeling and/or arguments.

I would rather never talk to or see my GS father ever again, But my husband insisted we remain civil and friendly when necessary for the sake of my GS as this is his father. I am civil but keep out of the way when he comes to my house. I leave it up to my husband. After 10 years I can see my husband is right as my GS isn't "piggy in the middle" between the 2 families.

Not a problem trisher

sorry harrigran think it touched a nerve and brought back memories of when I wanted such things. So pleased now that I left him to dig his own grave (and he has done it far better than I ever could have)

I am so sorry, what a horrid situation.

It may help to remember there are 2 sides. You might have to see SIL in future, stay neutral.

it's very sad when this happens.
my daughter left her husband two years ago [my grandaughters were removed from the marital home at the same time and were housed with me]. my daughter came to live with me then and she's still here.
it's very difficult as we're still trying to amalgamate two houses into one although she left all the furniture behind. hopefully she's now taking steps to end the marriage and, i for one, will be so happy when it's done and dusted and i know she feels the same way.
however it's a shame when it's one of your children who have to go through this - although i'm glad she's been able to come to me.
good luck to you and your daughter - hope all goes well and that your daughter is a happier person in the end.

My son left his wife 11 yr old daughter and his two stepchildren, he behaved very badly, I was devastated we fully supported our dil and the children, we were always grandparents to his step children, he was with somebody else, I hated her and totally sided with my dil.......move forward 6 years my son married the girl I hated, they have two beautiful babies, my step grandchildren have cut us dead because we have contact with our new dil, their mother has remarried ,we were so close but her new man didn't want anything to do with us, so she also cut us from her life, I cried constantly and ended up on anti depressants, my GD is now 17 and we have a wonderful relationship, I'm still struggling with the loss , I think you'll shed many tears but do try to distance yourself from their problems and concentrate on your DGD, don't be like me and take sides cause I ended up the one that was terribly hurt, I wish you well

trisher, don't beat the messenger, I only provided a copy of the poem written by Phoenix. I am way too stupid to be able to write poetry

Oh my goodness thank you everyone for your advice and support. Hopefully I won't be in need of any curses! But I WILL try to remain neutral and support my DD and DGS, but I'm afraid things will get a lot worse once it's started, and it's all such a shame. BUT not my life, so hubby and I will cry in private and put on a brace face. Thanks again, GN is truly wonderful and I plan to use it more now!

GrandmaL

Another one who has sadly had to deal with the situation you find yourself in.

It is heartbreaking and may I send you a message of hope that things hopefully will take a positive turn in time.

Liz46 tempting as it may be to plot revenge in the long run it doesn't help anyone. Your DD will be feeling terrible (It happened to me over 30 years ago) but he will continue to be the father of her children and the best way to show him up for what he is is to allow him to show his faults himself (and he will). There is the saying
"Living well is the best revenge"
I hope your DD finds happiness without him.

angelab, thanks for that advice and to all the other who told me to stay civil to Idiot. I am sure you are right. When DD and SIL told their children, the 10 year old looked at her mum and said 'I think you need to go and see Nana'.

Please let us know how you are doing GrandmaL and let off steam safely on here.

A copy of the curse is on its way to DD with a copy to her sister too!

Our DD and SIL were all set to split up a couple of years ago. Solicitors were discussed and who had what etc. We were devastated. However, it didn't happen thankfully. They talked things through and stayed together. for you.

GrandmaL, my ds and (cheating) dil split eighteen months ago, when my dgd was 4. I never changed towards my dil and we are still very civil with each other. I grind my teeth in private!
My ds and dil have worked out a rota, and although my ds was terribly hurt, our priority was for his little girl to have as little upset as possible.
She is now as happy as can be expected, while being passed from one home to another.
I find it dreadfully sad that she is never 100% happy because she is always missing the other parent.
We've done our best though and that's all you can do.
Good luck

GrandmaL, it's probably best for us to vent here in safety. Thank you so much for finding that poem harrigran. It will be copied and passed to my lovely daughter when safe to do so.

I did get an email from her saying karma had started to happen and he had been struck down by a nasty bug. My OH suggested that when he starts to feel better she could offer him a sandwich and lace it with laxative. These daft little things make it slightly easier for a moment.

GrandmaL it happens in so many families these days but that doesn't make the heartache and the grief any easier to bear. I would say that it is important that your DD and SIL come through this able to both parent their DS and at least communicate. You are probably at the lowest point now, given time things will improve. My DS and his partner split up over 12 years ago with a DS almost 2. They are now both remarried DGS is 14 has a half sister at his mums and a half sister and brother at his dads. He seems to cope remarkably well with everything. Just spread the love to everyone you can and hope they get through.
And Harrigran a curse may be funny to you but for those trying to deal with family problems it really doesn't help.

GrandmaL so sorry for your family its such a difficult time for everyone. Think its all been said by luckygirl and others. Stay neutral support your daughter and granddaughter, we are all stronger than we think. Bon courage.