I did something awful

I do hope that JackyB has been able to get some help from this.

I'd like to share 2 things that I think might be helpful:
If I put myself and my dear DiL in these positions, I think I wouldn't tell - not because I disagree in principle with those posters who say 'come clean'but because I know how she would react. She wouldn't be cross with me at all, would probably be more worried about me than her child (!) but she would then get nervous, probably reprimanding him more in the hope that he wouldn't try my patience - that would make him more nervous around me - and it would all snowball in an unhelpful way.

I have a dear, adult life-long friend who was quite judgemental about my odd lapses from grace. I knew she cared about me, so I just let it go. We both worked with children and families, and she rather took the attitudes that a few posters have - I realised that she was very frightened of losing control.
She then went into academic work - I stayed working with families of all kinds, in many different situations. I would say to her about situations such as JackyB has described: 'it's not that you're wrong, it's that you need to know how far along the scale of right / wrong this is'.
Fast forward to us being grandparents. We both have good relationships with our children and GCs, and are still good friends. She doesn't 'enjoy' her GCs the way I do, as she remains anxious about not being perfect.

I emptied a bowl of spaghetti Bolognese over my daughters head when she was getting on my nerves once. I dont agree with what I did at all, but then nobody is perfect.
Just dont do it again is the best way to move on from it.

Jacky, my only comment is, maybe (at a good time) remorsefully tell the parents what happened - you never know, the little boy may come out with it at any time in the future, I do think it's really better to be open for all concerned. By now, I'm sure the parents are aware of how stressful little children can make you, and especially as you were unwell.

You're over-worrying about this. No-one is the 'perfect' parent, grandparent or whatever just as no-one is the perfect child. It sounds like he's already forgotten about it due to his still enjoying cuddles and stories.
I once flipped and gave one of my nephews a smack on the backside when he was being a right pain. No lasting harm done and my sister actually said, 'thank you.'

Sorry ...I know I will have brick bats, but I really cannot see what all the fuss is about !!!! When you were a child (if you are as old as me !) I had all sorts thrown at me ...a carving knife that just cut my temple far enough away not to kill me (!) (still got the scar ) ....by my mother ...as a child I got used to it, like most children do ..although nowadays that would be seen as abuse involving varying degrees of social workers, etc etc ...

As long as no harm was done, only by the sound of it to your mental state, put it aside and forget about it .....I bet the child will have done ,,,and for all you know his parents may give him a little slap from time to time

When you read about the abuse that goes on with some children I think this is an over reaction .... If it were something you were always doing it might be different, but a one off slap is neither here nor there and probably surprised him so much he immediately stopped screaming ! result !

I've slapped both of my girls once each- out of exasperation. They are now 44 and 42 (this wasn't recent!!!). We all remember each occasion and laugh about it. Haven't done it with grand children but have shouted (screeched), which results in "sorry grandma". General policy with all the grand children is "what happens at Grandma's, stays at Grandma's" so they know I won't be reporting back to parents on every transgression (or they on mine). I don't believe the holier than thous who claim never to have felt the urge. My closest shave was when I was working at a youth club and of the little cherubs spat at me. Don't know how I stopped myself.

My mother smacked me the odd time I went over the top or when she was pushed beyond her limit and I suspect many or most people my age could say the same. It happens and I don't hold it against her in the least. She meant well by me and the small events are in no way to be compared with those hurts perpetrated deliberately for their own pleasure or benefit.

Things are viewed differently now and the 'spare the rod, spoil the child, attitude is long gone. No one wants to bring it back either. However, while I'd still say a tap given a child straying towards a live socket or hot iron or a busy road is better than a fatality, I wouldn't push this view. We don't live in a sensible world now but a world of polemics and extremities. I am sure there are many who would prefer the fatality to the tap.

In this case, the child was not harmed and it won't happen again.

I agree with those who say don't mention it to your DIL, your grandson will have forgotten about it, and so should you. We all have a lapse of patience now and again.
One of mine was bouncing on the bed as I tried to make it and I was so exasperated I knocked him off and he got a black eye. He told everyone "my Mummy did it."
I was more careful after that - these days someone would make sure the Child Protection Officer was called.

How times change!

As usual very harsh comments on here. You did something you regret you can't change it. So forget it and move on. You dished out out a slap which you GC got over and don't let people on here make you feel any worse about it

@ BlueBelle

Fridovagins sounds too perfect to be true have you never done anything you've regretted in the heat of the moment

I have never hit someone else's kid if that's what you are asking.

Look, her son and DIL may not find it to be a big deal. But if someone hit my child and never told me, there would be hell to pay. Just because a 3 year old didn't immediately tell granny that she hurt him, doesn't mean it won't come up weeks or months down the line. Kids are funny like that.

If the OP cares about having an honest and healthy relationship with her son and DIL, she would tell them and profusely apologize. Just because her poor wittle tummy was upset doesn't give her the right to hit someone else's kid. That is never ok.

And all this crap about the OP forgiving herself? She isn't the one who got slapped! It wasn't her kid that got unnecessarily slapped!

She is the offender. Do the right thing and just tell them.

When you hit kids, they think it's ok to hit others. What if her GS starts hitting friends at the playground because of this incident? What if GS suddenly starts having nightmares about it? Those are not far-fetched scenarios. The parents need the context so they can properly guide him through it.

This is not about you, OP. This is about your grandson who you say you love. Do the right thing and tell his parents. It doesn't have to be a huge deal. Yes, they may be mad at you and you have to rebuild trust. We all fuck up with relationships and have to rebuild trust from time-to-time. If you have a healthy relationship with them and are genuinely sorry, things will work out.

I agree with Frodo....

Me too..

Jacky isn't just "someone", she's the child's grandmother
And where do you get the justification for this statement?:
"When you hit kids, they think it's ok to hit others."
I'm backing out of this now, before I slap someone.

TriciaF I'm not following your logic. If anything, it is more damaging for a kid to be hit by someone they love and trust with no context as to why they are being physically punished. It doesn't sound like the OP apologized to her GS or explained why she thought it was ok to do.

Here is one of hundreds of articles outlining why hitting your kid is bad, including the fact that it reaches them it's ok to hit others to get what you want. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/good-thinking/201409/is-what-happens-when-you-hit-your-kids

I'm not making this shit up, but it's also kind of common sense.

Forget about it. You didn't beat him up! You won't do it again. No one is perfect!

Serkeen, a bit of an over reaction don't you think? Jacky B is feeling bad enough as it is.I'm sure her grandson is none of the worse for a small tap and I'm also sure she would never do it again. We are only human and we all do things that we regret.

This, sadly, has the makings of an unhelpful division. No-one is saying it's OK to hit, slap, smack, tap, whatever you want to call it, children. Most recognise how bad this is for children, but this dear little chap is not being hit regularly, and his gran doesn't think it's OK.
What most are saying is that the odd lapse is not deeply damaging in the long term. We are mostly basing this on experience.
That doesn't mean that the research quoted is wrong, we are just putting it in context.
It is of course true, as some of us sadly know, that some families use the 'one small tap' defence, when a child is being abused. I am as sure as one can be on a forum, that is not the case here.

Nelliemoser, I didn't say anything about a 'planned slap.' Most slaps are not planned, but are given in the heat of the moment. I'm talking about when I was a child. Today, you have to reason with a small child. I had to do this with my five year old grand daughter who went into one in a restaurant. She screamed and screamed because she wanted to put her coat on inside the restaurant and not outside. I dearly wanted to slap her on the leg for behaving disgracefully, but I couldn't. In the end she got her way. When I asked her older brother if she was tired, his reply was. 'No grandma, she's just being naughty!' When we took them home after a lovely afternoon at the theatre and tea out, she ran into the house and slammed the door on our faces!

Can PC go too far the other way?

I would imagine the whole incident has been forgotten by your GS, and he obviously didn't hold it against you. So I think you need not feel guilty. There is a world of difference between a mild slap on a leg or a hand and battering a child. I did smack one of my DGS because he ran in the road when he'd been told to stand on the pavement - he was old enough to understand and deliberately defied me - and I feel a lesson learned that way was better than the danger of him putting himself in harms way, because there was no consequence to his disobedience. I'm sure many of us grans were slapped by parents without lasting damage and the odd slap to our own children was not the taboo it is today. In fact I was quite surprised to hear DD say to DGD 'Do you want a smacked bottom' and DD said that if counting or sitting on the naughty step didn't stop the bad behaviour she would give a light slap. As parents and grandparents we have to make a judgement to suit the situation and the child. We've all seen how unpopular undisciplined children are, and we do a great disservice to the child allow that to happen

My DGS hits out and he has never been slapped. So it is not quite logical to say a child will think it is ok to hit if he is hit himself. If he never experiences what it feels like to be hit, there a risk he will never understand what is wrong about his behaviour and carry on hitting out.

Nelliemoser my Grandson is still at the wee and poo and bum bum and bottom and boobies stage lol ... he finds it hilarious still and has fits of giggles and I too cannot keep a straight face but I know he will grow out of it and it's just part of his particular ( cheeky ) type of humour and things he finds funny but I have the same sense of humour as well so I can't blame him and I am just happy there is LAUGHTER in my house every day!!!

( I think it helps keep both of us sane under some very trying circumstances tbh )

W11girl many kids do screech but it is part of childhood and something they grow out of and moving away to another queue you must be fun at kids parties lol

On a more serious note though my Grandson screeches due to his Autism and not being able to verbalise things so he would be labelled a 'naughty screeching child' by some and I would find it hurtful if people moved away from him but they can usually tell he has special needs but saying that we have been told to ''shut that child up'' or ''that child needs a slap'' etc and you have no idea what additional needs that child has as do you always know the REASON for the screeching or screaming as people make assumptions and I am fed up of people making judgements about him or making faces or tutting and I think a little tolerance in general goes a long way and I think we have become less tolerant of things which are natural eg babies who cry on an aeroplane or child noise in general

Personally I just leave them to it as staring , giving dirty looks , tutting or moving away and judging does not help the stressed out parent at all

It is not for the grandparent to do any smacking but jacky do not beat yourself up about it. It is over, no harm done. The child will have long forgotten about it now. Just leave capitol punishment to the parents, which of course must be non violent treatment.

Forget about it. Let sleeping dogs lie.