Family slipping away

To be honest, it seems very odd not giving you the new address! I am wondering if there are other issues concerning them?

What do the abbreviations stand for? I must be thick. I don't have a good family situation either, in fact it could be described as being dead although they're alive.

I rarely know where my son is living - if I ask him he says he can't remember the exact address, or he'll say Hmm it's either 26 or 36 or something like that and he'll let me know later. It's only been since he's turned 40 that he's been reliable about letting me have his phone number. Some people are just like that. He was kind of hard to pin down even as a child.

Somethings happened that they aren't giving you much information. I did that to my MIL. Although I do tell my husband to take the kids to visit them bi weekly in all fairness.

Having been on a thread yesterday advising a new Mil not to pop in on the newly weds I am wondering if some of our DC think the same with us - better not pop in they are probably doing something, or will I have to stay for a couple of hours and the shopping needs doing - Two of our DC are fairly near by but still have a drive to get to us, all working and children with many outside interests fitting dear old mum and dad in as well is not easy I can see that. They do come when they can which is lovely for me and we do give an impression I think that we keep ourselves busy. I should certainly go down the emergency route to get the address as that is a bit of a worry.

I think it is the modern way to do on line contact and not phones so much, texting and e mails means that people can deal with messages at a time to suit them. I don't think they are any busier than we were.......just that communications have changed.

Is there a time difference that needs to be considered?

I am sad that we don't live close as families once did but that is the way of the world now, all those people you see out in groups are probably just visiting a couple of times a year. Life and travel is expensive.

I didn't have my son's address for ages, he rings me a couple of times a week and I can FB. and almost daily we share something on line.........he just doesn't do letters FB is instant. It is the same with all my children, they prefer on line things and send video clips and photos of the kids......

Would be nice if we all lived near..........life however had other plans.

Veda if you go to the top of this page and click on 'Acronyms' you'll find most of the abbreviations used on here Your welcome..

Do they have a Facebook page? I have found with my son and d-i-l in the USA that, if a private message fails to prompt them to provide an address (they have moved several times) then a quick post on their public Facebook page along the lines of 'know you are very busy but still waiting for your new address to send present/letter/news/photos/card/house warming gift works a treat. I have always had a reply within hours.

I think Nannarose is right KatyK.

In my view your DD is making a display of not giving you her address yet...a kind of 'you're going to have to wait' thing. Leave her to it.

Believe it or not I am quite reassured as I thought it was just DiLs who were doing this!

I think things change a lot as grandchildren get older. Ours are all of similar ages so it is more noticeable. When they were preschool, we all had long lazy afternoons in the garden with a paddling pool. When they started school it went to weekends with family barbecues and the kids all playing together. Now they are mainly teenagers they have their own lives, and do more outings to shops or cinema, and we are less involved, though they are around if needed.
That's the way it goes.

I feel Nannarose is right. When I visit my brother I always stay in a B & B. I know they're short of space, I've never actually been upstairs in their current house but we stay friends.

I would leave it fhor now, and just send a message on her birthday. Drop the present giving. Give iit a rest and see how it goes. If anything happens to you or DH you can always message. At least you can follow her on facebook, maybe she will put some pictures there too - this is how I follow my sons' lives, plus a visit maybe once a year. It is incredibly sad, not at all how I envisaged being a grandmother.

So sorry for your plight NannyRosie I don't have my youngest daughters add, phone no. or anything and they live just 20mins away! nor my Sons! Haven't seen them in almost 5yrs

You can google their name to see if there is an address. Also there is a site called " reverse lookup" where you put in the phone number and it gives you an address. Or you can just send a gift voucher to you sil thru email.

It's an odd thing, but addresses just aren't as important any more. I had to ask DD1 for hers recently. She'd lived there over a year and it hadn't registered with me that I didn't have it! She's fairly local and we see her every couple of weeks at least, either here or at family events, meet-ups in town etc, and we're in daily touch via our family Whatsapp group, Facebook and text. We rarely phone. We don't go to hers as both she and her flatmate work long hours on (different) shift patterns. She's moving this month though and I've already got the new address (from the Rightmove link she sent me).

I don't think you're losing contact, Nannyrosie. You still know how to reach them if you need to, and I'm sure they'll let you have the new contact details once they've settled in (don't they have mobiles, btw?). Moving time is busy and stressful. And as for the present - it's his own fault if he misses out, and spend the saving on a treat for yourself.

My daughter and sil live a mile away. I provide childcare for 2 grandchildren 2 days a week and daughter's mil does another 2 days. We all meet up for birthdays, mother's/father's day and rotate Christmas day between the 3 houses. We also have a week's holiday together . The grandchildren love it and essentially they are being raised by us all. we avoid contact at weekends so they can have family time together. I have a great relationship with other mil and we meet regularly for lunch etc . Yes I'm very lucky, but I think the key to any relationship is to talk - and listen. As a family, from daughter being young, we have always discussed everything and not let any disagreements fester. It works for us.

Send them this link, and ask them to scroll down to the Relationships section near the end.
waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html

Sadly, some of us wish, when it's too late, that we had given our parents more of our time and consideration. Even if we were to tell them this, they wouldn't understand. It's true that you can't put an old head on young shoulders.

When I was young and on my own with a baby I neglected to contact my Dad for so long he got the police to find me! I felt so mortified and ashamed but somehow the days had gone by and I hadn't got round to it. When you're young you tend to take parents for granted.

I'd do what Gillybob suggested, keep it light.
But I'd also send a message saying you re sure they d want to be told if anyone took seriously ill or died so could they please give an address for emergencies!

I empathise with this. Both my children are married with children and living abroad. I started by asking when would be a good time to FaceTime, and again asked whether I could visit. Then my daughter said 'Don't ask: just DO it'. So now I FaceTime whenever I wish when they may or may not be available and do I try again. Also I tell them I intend to visit on the summer/for Christmas/birthday; then I give them a date, then check that is okay, then book my flights. As my daughter says - don't always wait to be asked! ?

I do sympathise with you and can understand your worry about the lack of a new address. However unfortunately they may think that as you have FB there is no need for an address. I wonder if they want to break from the tradition of sending presents themselves ...maybe the cost involved of sending abroad, and don"t like to say so. Perhaps you will have to be more direct in a message you send. Say how it worries you if something happens to one of you so please could they give you a back up of a phone number. I do think it is"nt until we get older ourselves that we notice more of the little things in life that we miss now and probably took more for granted when younger.

I think it's quite strange and very harsh not to give you a contact address and tel number...... although I do most of my 'talking' over fb s free messenger with two out of three children I still have addresses and landlines for them if wifi goes down or I need to send anything I just find it weird and rude to make a point of not giving it you when you asked (presumable politely ) it does strike of control or them not wanting the contact or at least not at the moment Very difficult for the granddaughters birthday as she shouldn't suffer because of the parents need for privacy

I think we have bred very selfish children. My own mother always had us girls around to help out and make sure she was not alone on birthdays xmas Mother's Day etc. I've been widowed 4 years and dread xmas alone although I did get away with a friend and met quite a few elderly ladies doing the same. My son and his wife and granddaughter prefer to spend xmas alone or with friends and have told me to widen my circle of friends. I have many friends but it's a family I'm missing. I've seriously thought of adopting one to fill the gap in my life.

Can any of you remember about your r/ship with your own parents? I ask because I feel guilty that didn't see more of them (10 mins away by car) I did the shopping but that was it. My sisters were in daily contact with them. I was working full time with 2 boys and a partner who was hard work sometimes. Sam for DP's parents - they were 15 mins away by car and we didn't see much of them. The thing is I loved my parents and they had always been loving and supportive.

Now it comes to my boys and one phones about twice a month and we go over every 2 or 3 months. DIL doesn't really like visitors - it's another country but not that far. The eldest lives 30 mins away by car - occasionally comes here with DGD - only ever e mails or phones in answer to something I've raised. The older I get the more I wish I had a daughter but it seems daughters keep their distance too!

I think the generations do grow apart and that's the way life is and we have to accept it.