Family slipping away

It's sad to be so far away, but I'd be prepared to give them the benefit of the doubt. It is stressful moving, especially with a family, and they must still be sorting out and settling in if it was last month. Also, they have tried to contact you but you missed the calls. It might be better to show willing and keep your sound turned up so you can reach each other any time on messenger. As other posters pointed out, communication has changed. They probably feel facebook and messenger are the best/most immediate ways of keeping in touch as they are so far away. Do they use FaceTime or Skype - have you asked for a virtual tour round their new house? I'd send an e-card to your SIL, and e-gift if you want (much easier anyway), and remind them about a contact number in case of emergency. People rarely change their mobile numbers these days so do you know that? I remember being a busy parent and feeling so guilty because one older relative always said 'I never hear from you/I thought you'd died' that I stopped phoning altogether. I can't take it back now and years later it still bothers me. It's really hard when you miss your DD so much and seem to be just one part of their lives, but you're right in being happy that they are happy.

In this age of mobile technology people do not always have a new land line connected as a priority. If your DD has tried twice to contact electronically I would take comfort from the fact they do want to keep in touch, but perhaps using modern technology rather than the old postal system, which is not necessarily as good in other countries as we are used to.
My DD and family has just spent 6 years in a country without a postal system, so electronic email cards, and electronic vouchers from Amazon were the only option. We could only keep in touch by email, phone line was bad and our broadband is hopeless for skype. They are on the move again to a new country and as long as I can email I feel I am in touch with them.

I can see and understand all the reasoning posters have given, but for me personally I would feel completely out of touch if I didn't have an address for my children .... I get taken ill the police break the door down and say shall we contact your Next of kin and you say catch them on fb .... I know stupid analogy but..........

Actually, BlueBelle, you've got a point! I have my DD1 as ICE (in case of emergency) in my phone, but if she hadn't got it on her I couldn't until very recently have told anyone where she lived!

Mind you, as she works in our local CID I guess they'd find her easily enough.

I think this is a side effect of Facebook. Everyone who uses it, seems to love it so much that they completely forget that there are other forms of communication.

My DIL considers me very odd because I don't like Facebook. Normally I'm good at using computers, but I just can't get to grips with Facebook.

Sorry, that's not the point here.

I suggest next time you speak to them on the phone that you ask outright for their phone numbers. Say quite truthfully, that you will feel much happier knowing that you can ring right away if your DH is taken ill again. Have pen and pencil to hand so you can write down their numbers while you speak. Ask too for their address - I assume you send presents to all the family on their birthdays and at Christmas.

Say you have often wondered what is the most convenient time to phone, as you don't want to intrude when they are busy, but you would like to be able to phone for a chat now and then, as it's nice to hear their voices.

If none of this works or any of the others' suggestions, then I suppose you will just have to put up with it, but I hope the lack of address and telephone numbers is just an oversight on their part.

Nananina. I do think a lot of the problems we share on Gransnet simply would"nt have happened 2 or 3 decades ago. Technology as good as it is and we would"nt want to be without it now can cause a lot of unhappiness in different ways. Loneliness, Distance from Families, FB upsets, Birthday Celebrations, etc. I was brought up in the north of England where everyone knew everyone else, my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, we all lived near each other and saw each other daily.Any problems would have been ironed out as they arose. As children we knew most of our neighbours and would go errands to the shops for them willingly. Somewhere along the way our sense of priorities have changed and not for the better it seems. My own family live as far as away as Scotland at one point, Devon at the other end and various stops in between. Getting anything organised to involve even half of them often involves a lot of sighing ..a bit of "no we need more notice" and other excuses. We might as well live in India or some other far flung country as we inevitable are the ones that generally bend over backwards to visit them ...many times we"ve looked forward to a visit from them and been disappointed by a last minute change of plan on their part. It does seem to me, the more modern life becomes and forward thinking ....it is going backwards in terms of of family life.

JanaNana good post - my views too.
And one of mine lives in India.

I moved just over 2 years ago to be nearer my DD & DGS after I was widowed. I don't see a lot of the family although they only live 10 miles away, busy life with 7 year old DGS & now DGS2 has arrived !!!!!

I never "drop in" but ring & arrange to go when it's convenient, neither would my DD just turn up on my doorstep

We rarely ring each other now but use FB Messanger, increasing since my DD's recent Pregnancy & birth of DGS2 7 weeks ago. We find it more convenient, I'm not wondering if she's busy & she can reply in her own time.

My DM (she's 88) hardly ever rings me, but I ring her every few days. Different generations. My DM won't even have a mobile phone

Thinking back to when I was young with kids and busy all the time, and phone calls were expensive from a chilly phone box, I only rang my parents every couple of weeks and before that people relied on letters and I don't think wrote that many. It was common for people to ring the pub or local shop to get urgent messages through to people.

Communications just chage all the time, we had house phones, calls charged by the minute and rang my uncle in Canada at Christmas only, I think it was a pound a minute, now its so much cheaper......and we FB almost every day, we are more connected than ever but in different ways.

I talk to you GN peole most days, I would have to be out all day sitting on buses, to chat to so many strangers every day....

I miss the family living all around me but the world has opened up and they are making the most of it. I wonder what is coming next???

There are many tales, though, of family members moving, and just dropping out of sight. My own MiL lost touch with 6 siblings who all moved to the US in the 1920s.

I am still in touch with one of my mother's old friends, who was a GI bride. She told me that the only way she could cope with keeping in touch was to keep an email letter form (remember those?) handy, and jot down odd things as they came to her. When it was full, she would email to one of her sisters or mum, with instruction to pass it on.

Love that we now email each other!

My daughter stopped talking to us we had to send mail via her brother as she did not want us to have address. DS soon got fed up with it and told her not to be so childish. I still send birthday cards and Christmas cards with a cheque enclosed which is cashed. I can't deal with it any longer. It's been so many years I don't know even if I would recognise her. Her choice. I do as I'm asked. No contact. Just send the money twice a year.

Marnie, and all others far from their families.

Well to be honest Id be happy with one phone call a week, (its as much as I did when I had a young family and my parnts lived far away! ) but not knowing their address or never being invited to visit is a different matter. My parents were always welcomed when they visited and the fact tht it was only occasionally made it even more special for the children . I think it's the same with my GC though we see some families far more often than others. But we do hesr from them from time to time via phone calls, emails. texts, whats app etc and always love the photos they send.
We know they are very busy so any contact is a bonus. We do invite them here but thay cant always come. C'est la vie!

Another point - on the few occasions that I've travelled to India and Kuwait to stay with sons and families I feel I have to be extra careful in what I say and do when with the grandchildren .
It's such a rare thing, I can't be really natural with them, and don't want to leave with bad memories.
The Kuwait family I do see more often here, and have put my foot in it a couple of times, but they're not so easily upset as DIL in India, who is a real earth-mother. Their children are adopted Indian orphans, and she managed to breastfeed the 2 youngest.

I am so sorry to read about your story. Recently, I have become more distanced from my family as a daughter and sister. I have made this decision consciously and with a great deal of thought.

The reason? I have been taken for granted for so many years, listening to moans and groans about health, being ignored by my brother and the focus of jealousy by my sister. I also have a disabled son and a husband who has health problems.

So, I decided to maintain a distance that was suitable for MY needs. I still keep in touch when it suits me, but avoid family occasions and rarely visit.

I'm not saying that my scenario is similar, but maybe sometimes we just need to think about ourselves for a change. Selfish? Not in my book.

I really hope you can resolve the problem you have, but I would take it easy. Best wishes xx

Dear NannieRose - so sorry that you don't have their address and phone number, it must feel very isolating.

Just a thought, and I may have misunderstood but you said:

'I ......... have had two videos on messenger since but I leave my sound down as I use the tablet overnight, so I miss their calls.'

Is it possible that they think that you don't care enough to leave the sound on to message or speak to them? Could you leave the sound on overnight even if it's just till you contact them?

It's so easy to misinterpret from a distance - or even from the next room! Do keep Facebooking and Messaging and it will hopefully improve.

I agree with other comments - we try to stay in B and B when we visit family abroad or even those who live an hour or two away, although our DDs MiL (i.e. our SiLs mum) goes to stay with the young family whenever she wants plus holidays with them!

I must add that I'm often worried about 'putting my foot in it' if I say anything about childcare etc - so we stick to safe subjects such as politics and religion! I don't recall any of my older relations having such worries.

Hope it goes well for everyone, it can be quite a minefield out with relations and inlaws! ?

So sad; DILAW are so selfish!They think they OWN your son.

Worst thing for me is they are not married! Why should I tolerate such bad behaviour when they are nothing to me! ECK!

I have a DIL who 'owns' my eldest son and who rules the roost by dramas and being critical of other people...making it so difficult for us to keep in touch. Add in eldest grandson who does his own thing completely, another younger GS who is constantly playing rugby/football games and/or training and the family are slipping away.

Youngest son has a very young family and doesn't live that close, he works odd days/odd hours and DIL works 4 days a week. Add in their friends and her family and it's hard to find a time which suits us all to meet up.

Things have changed a lot and I am adapting to seeing my family far less than ever. It's very sad. I miss them.

It was my mum who moved many miles away and, unless we went, did not see her much due to time, children, work on our side ,as well as distance.
It takes a lot of work to deal with long distance families.

I lived three hundred miles away from my parents and remember them ticking me off at one stage for not writing my regular letters (no computers, and they hated the phone) as frequently as usual.

However,this was because I had a lot on my plate with my marriage breaking up and health issues. It was so difficult to talk/write about either. It might be worth finding out if there are any problems where you can give support before you decide they are being thoughtless and uncaring. As FlorenceFlower says - it is easy to misinterpret from a distance.

I learn where DD is by maps on fb, she is in yet another airport waiting to board a plane, three countries this week. If I need to be in contact I send a pm on fb, I never ring as it may not be convenient.
Life is different to when we were young.

What a sad state of affairs, for families to mean so little. Heart goes out to Marnie and others in that position. You bought them into the world, raised them as best you could,, they owe it to you to at least let you know where they live, know if you are still alive and if you are coping, unless they have been abused, there is no excuse. Everyone, whatever there busy schedule can spare 10 minutes a month to communicate by page or sent a letter, unless they are completely self absorbed or mentally ill. My daughter and I don't communicate, but I do have a wonderful son and grandchildren, I feel so much for those of you abondened, because that is what it is and it's cruel.

Sorry, should have been by phone, not page.tgese I pads change things without you knowing,