New grandparent

SO SORRY.....Mortaff.....

Dear Mortaff, I want thank you for being so honest with your feelings about the lack of love you feel towards your children and grandchild. Being so open means you are on your way towards 'healing'.

I became a grandma at 52 and thought and was disturbed by the new title I now am. I thought I was not old enough and that my 'youth' (or vanity) would finally have to be relinquished.

I accepted 'grandma' eventhough I thought in my mind it is very aging, but hearing my GD call me grandma makes me proud.

May I please rewind my story of when my first born son arrived. I was perplexed about how I was going to love this child. There was only one thing to do. Pretend. Pretend for those moment by whispering in his ear and out loud repeatedly, when no one was about those precious words 'I LOVE YOU'. That did it for me. Those life giving, never to messed about with words I think cracked open the cold hardness of my heart.

May I suggest that you have for a photo of your grandbaby and say those words to the photo. When you next see your grandbaby, repeat the mantra in the quietness of your heart. Yes it may feel 'fake' initially but one day say those words to your grandbaby. It will overwhelm you.

So don't worry about how you feel. Tell your negative feelings that they can go hang. Take no notice of them. So please, take on board the advice given by all those lovely people and just pretend for the sake of loving which will one day come.

Good luck

sorry that should read
never to be messed about with words

I'm not too much of a person for babies or children in general
Everyone said I would change when the grandchildren came along, but I find I'm still not all gooey over them.
I do, however, love them fiercely, although that took a long time coming. Its just the way I am, and hopefully, those that love me accept that about me. I didn't babysit for my oldest grandson until he was 4!!

Mortaff you're opening statement is intetesting. You're judging 'Granny' pretty harshly. You seem to be turning your back on your grandchild because of what, you judge, having one says about you - the image? Time to grow up?

If you get on well with your son and his wife, I would suggest you mention to one or both of them, that you feel sadly out of practice with babies, or that you never felt you were really good with infants. By saying something you are preventing yourself wondering whether they have noticed that you aren't among the crowd hanging drooling over the pram.

Your daughter in law may even be thrilled that there is one less person waking her baby at inconvenient moments. I clearly remembering wanting to strangle the father of a little girl I was baby sitting who always woke the child the minute I had, at long last, got her to sleep.

There's nothing odd these days about someone not wanting to be called Gran or Mum by daughters or sons in law, so just say you would rather the little one is allowed to call you by your given name.

Well if you enjoyed your own children better when they grew up, then the same thing will probably happen with any grandchildren you have. Just try and keep friendly with them until they get there so there is still a relationship to enjoy when the time comes :D

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be called gran, or nan, or any variation.. my grandsons grandad on the 'other' side won't answer to anything other than his name. Its not important.

It??

Yes, that has been pointed out, but the op was asking for advice.

Mortaff, from your post, I think what is making you so unhappy is not the lack of excitement and love in relation to your grandchild, but rather your own expectations and feelings of failure. Not every woman wants to be a mother, so inevitably, not every woman will especially want to be a grandmother. You do not have to love this child s/he does not need that from you. S/he need their parents to love them. So long as you smile and say nice things, give gifts at appropriate times etc, all will be well. Choose a 'nana' type of name that you are happy enough with and say you would like to be called that. Tell those concerned that you don't want to be called 'granny'. It's not unusual. Remember that the mother's mother tends to be the favoured grandparent (all things being equal) for visits, babysitting etc, if they too live nearby. This often causes upset, but it won't in your case and that will make for much easier relationships all around.

You are not the only one who feels this way. I have two daughters and a son. My son is estranged since I divorced his father. That broke my heart for years. When it happened, he had a 1-year-old that I had only seen on three occasions (daughter-in-law's mother had lots of visits and she lived around the corner to us). I grieved hard for the loss of my son, but I hardly knew my grandson, so not seeing him after the estrangement didn't really bother me. My son went on to have two more children. I found out about them from one of my daughters, who discovered it on Facebook (he cut her off too). My other daughter didn't bring it up with me because she didn't want to upset me further. So many people assume that the most difficult aspect of it all is having no contact with those grandchildren. This could not be further from the truth. I don't know those children, so I feel nothing for them (cue horrified gasps). I wish them well as I would with any child. Otherwise, nothing. My oldest daughter has three children who I am very fond of and have lovely relationships with. My youngest is just expecting her first child. I am surprised to find I am more interested in her being pregnant (maybe because she is the baby of the family?), I am looking forward to the arrival of this child. I may find I love her/him, but I don't expect to become the archetypal doting grandmother.

Just let it be what it is. Be kind to yourself and to your grandchild and everything will be fine.

I feel so sorry for you.......try to feel happiness for you son and wife and be
glad the baby is healthy, you will I'm sure grow the love the little person. Are you worried they will ask you to babysit?....just make clear that altho you love the baby you do not feel confident about babysitting. I'm not called Granny...i have 8 delightful grandchildren and they have a variety of names for me! I must admit to being rather shocked that you referred to the baby as 'it'
While not wishing to judge you in anyway I think you could start by calling at least referring to the baby as 'he'or 'she' and hopefully in the family situation by name.
I have to wonder at your own experiences......as a child...and as a mother......these must have some bearing on your attitude to this little mite.

This is not unusual at all. I felt the same way about my grandchildren. I really had to work at not letting the indifference show. After a while they grew on me but even now I love them and I care for them but nothing like the love I feel for my own children. I'm ok about it and I'm very happy for the other grandparents to be more involved. There's no written law that says you MUST love your grandchildren. People are too quick to judge aren't they. Don't worry about it - one day you might suddenly realise you're in love but then again you might not. The main thing is to try hard not to show any lack of support or interest in the little ones. Good luck ?

Obviously it's difficult for u. I think you re mentally struggling to move into a different stage of ur life, being a grandparent can signify getting older ! There s no need to be called gran, granny, etc. The child will find its own name for u when it starts to talk. My kids called my mum by an abbreviation of her surname when they were trying to speak , and called her that till she died! You will certainly love the child when it gets a bit older and interactive. Babies aren't all that interesting to many folk. It's wonderful being a granny, and there are many young grans. Give urself time! But do show interest just now even if u have to force a smile.

I was never very maternal, but brought up my sons to the best of my ability. I now have four grandchildren, and they have become more interesting as they developed into little people. Give it time, Mortaff, and you may start to bond with your new grandchild as their personality comes to the fore.

As for what you want to be called, just tell your family, your preferred name. I like being called grandma, but it's your choice.

My advice is to smile and make the right noises to your little grandchild and see how the situation develops. In time, I'm sure you will bond with the new arrival.

I wouldn't worry to much about it I'm sure the baby's other granny will pick up the slack and you can jump in when you feel ready

As it is your sons baby and not your daughters could it be that you are worried you'll become attached to it and if they split up then contact may cease?and distancing yourself now will save you from hurt later?
I had a conversation with my mil when my baby was very small saying whatever happened between me and her son I would ALWAYS allow her to see her grandchild.she actually cried and said I'd hit the nail on the head as she was worried about this.After that she bonded with said child just as much as she had her own daughters children.

I feel exactly as you do and agree with Venus' advice. I am 10 years on with 4 grandchildren but didn't want to be a Nan only for the reasons of not being naturally maternal and having just discovered freedom and new found independence after bring up my own children. However I do love all my GC in my own way.

I have always said you choose to be a parent but you don't chose to be a Nan.

My only advice would be, be kind to yourself, give yourself time to let things slip into place and find the fit that fits YOU and your family that you are all comfortable with.

And don't try and compete with the other Nan if there is one because she might be a completely different person. We are all different and should be allowed to be ourselves.

Good luck.

My message of 10:12:17 this morning has been removed by GransnetHQ as the last line was apparently classed as 'trollhunting'.

So here is the message again, with the offending last line removed.....

Mortaff
"If you tried calling your new Grandchild him or her instead of 'IT' you may find yourself bonding more!
I would never judge anyone for not feeling instant love for a baby, however, calling any child 'IT' is appalling, and in particular your own flesh and blood!

I have never wanted to be a grandparent and certainly hated the idea of being called Granny etc.
It often comes with the territory of being a parent, though.

You do sound as if you could be depressed, perhaps at the thought of getting older.
However, getting older is better than the alternative and I have friends who have not had the opportunity to see their baby DGC grow into interesting children.

The other thought is that I wonder if you have had a struggle letting your sons go and make their own way in life - do you have feelings of possessive jealousy and do not want them to transfer their love to a wife and family? If so, I am sure that they love you no less than they did before. But, of course, if they have an inkling of how you feel they may all distance themselves from you.

They say that every baby 'brings its own love with him or her' - it's a pity if you don't want to share in that but perhaps you may when the baby develops its own personality.

its because you don't say if this child is a boy or girl.

As others have said, put on your best oh my gosh, he/she is gorgeous act. And by degree, that baby will wiggle its way into your heart.
Or you could be the glamorous gran who just wafts in every now and then on a cloud of perfume with a gift and a kiss before getting the hell out of there for cocktail hour (fancy that one for myself)!

I love newborns, some people don't, we are all different, just wait until he/ she says grandma, or whatever you decide to be called, there is nothing like it.
I became a grandma at 45 and I thought that was too young but I was wrong, I loved it.I love all my Grandchildren, I have 5, and I hope that one day you will feel the same, don't beat yourself up about it, just give it time.

starlily106 What a lovely end to a sad story, I'm really happy that things turned out so well for you all

I understand how you feel because I too am lacking the feeling of intense love some, most, grandmothers seem to feel . I wish I did feel the same love I felt for my 3 children but it just never happened. Instead I act as if I did.
We live near by and we look after her in the school holidays, pick her up from school several times a week, take her to after school classes etc. She often stays the night so her parents can go out. We do things with such as cooking, outings, board games etc.
I believe that love does not have to be an emotion. I care about her and want her to do well in life and would rush to her defence if she were in trouble. I have come to believe that that is love. I am quite sure no one other than my husband knows my lack of expected granny lovey feelings. I wish I had the feelings but it just didn't happen. I don't think it helps to be told those feelings will come. What if the don't?
Just act the part and things will work out one way or another. But never share the problem with the parents.