Worried about my health now

Hi nannynoo, imagine if you transferred all the time and attention you are giving to your daughter and her problems back to yourself and your grandson? My suggestion is to tell your daughter to contact the social worker in future for any information and then don't answer your daughters calls or texts. So you have someone who isn't emotionally involved but who is on your side. This is invaluable - a lawyer, social worker can keep you from being sucked into her drama. Right now you are as addicted to her drug of choice and her emotions as she is, because you are feeling the effect of the drug through her behaviour, if that makes sense.
As FarNorth says "Concentrate on the well-being of yourself and your DGS".

It doesn't matter when she asked, you are right not to give her the contact number so your GDS can have an undisturbed break.

It sounds as if the social worker isn't giving you enough support, if they have only now given you the info about school events.
Can you have a talk with them about your concerns?

Please make efforts to detach yourself emotionally from your DD, as Petra suggests.

Concentrate on the well-being of yourself and your DGS.

The "I am his Mum!!!" card is used to its full and demanding effect but I am NOT going to roll over and let her walk all over me as that's what grinds me down to a pulp as well!

I have to stop letting her bully me as well as she is sometimes a subtle and sometimes a not so subtle bully but a bully nonetheless sadly so please keep reminding me to detach myself and even ignore her messages etc sometimes as it is the only thing which works to help keep me sane! She messaged me demanding the contact number for the respite break place my Grandson is at and I thought "no leave him be he is fine there" as I used them last summer and he was fine , settled , happy and LOVED it so I ignored her message and I don't want her disturbing and disrupting him as he has been through enough of that already recently!!
Yes there will be hell to pay and yes to be honest I am a bit scared of her as she carries a lot of whack somehow and as his Mum but she should have asked me before he went away not while I am having my own very much needed respite ( mainly from her!! Lol )

It is actually dangerous to his placement if I keep getting sucked in by her!!! So no more school meetings she is not allowed to attend from next term and I will make the school aware of that
I have a horrible feeling she is on something else so here's hoping that it all shows up on the hair strand test and I think she is allowed 2 tests before they go ahead with the judges decision.
Poor little man is getting sucked in as well and thinks his Mummy is well now
She is a master actress though and even more so when the social worker supervises contact but she just copies what I do with him and how I am with him etc and passes it off as her own Lol
It's like she is instigating her own puppet show using lies and deceit and we are all the puppets including her son

I have realized I have to put some boundaries in place for my Grandsons sake and protection / sense of normality as the fostering social worker sent me a list of school events and meetings my daughter was allowed to attend and those she is not but I was not aware of this and I was inviting her to absolutely EVERYTHING at his school even though she has not bothered giving the school her new address so they can send her letters about it but I don't think that they have a copy of the list either which is written into his placement!! So I need to follow the list from now on and make sure that the school have it as his Mum turning up to all his events could give him a false sense of security if she is still using / has mental health issues etc she is not dealing with so I have realized how easily I get "sucked in by her" without realising as she is like a ram or a bull and is always insisting and demanding and kicking up a huge fuss especially if she does not get her way and at his school open day and end of year performance her behaviour was just WEIRD she was OTT and talking to everyone loudly and over enthusiastically almost like she was drink but didn't seem to be but I don't know what else she may be taking as her behaviour wasn't normal and it was she was on some sort of high as was overly loud and chatty with everyone but it was OTT like I said and I had an odd uncomfortable feeling but I don't know if a big spliff beforehand would make her behave like that but I am going to ask the social worker to have her drug tested and she used to do cocaine and it would not surprise me if she was still using as her behaviour is often irrational but I suppose it could be a side of her mental illness as well but it was like she was drunk but was not drunk if that makes any sense and it is my job to PROTECT my Grandson and not give into my daughter and her demands "as his Mother" as it takes more than turning up to a few school meetings ( and behaving weird when there ) to be a Mother and yet I KEEP GETTING SUCKED IN BY HER TIME AND TIME AGAIN as that makes me Ill as well as to her I am not allowed to have boundaries in place for her son as she is his Mother and they are not needed as there is no need for him to be with me any more and in a few more months he will be home with her ( in her book! )
I need to STOP listening to 'her book' and carry on PROTECTING my Grandson so no unallowed school meetings next year as actually we need the boundaries in place still and I cannot just go on what she says

Ahhh thank you it's weird as because I have now managed to stop and have some time out now is when everything I have held inside for weeks on end is coming out finally including the tears!!! Little man is away till Saturday as I managed to get him in a charity special needs break which is perfect timing as I can heal now and recoup and regroup myself with a healthier attitude to AVOID the stress etc as much as possible and just concentrate on me and little man as my daughter is NOT going to be honest with me and maybe she never will and maybe she will IF she ever partakes in a full recovery but she is choosing the 'hide it all' path which I understand why BUT it is having such a damaging affect on her if she would admit it and ME and her son who is only a child and is falling for the deception as he does not understand about alcoholism and fakery as he takes people at face value so he could be in for a nasty surprise when reality kicks in and if she blows his trust again she may NEVER get it back the same with me I do not trust her and never will unless she enters and has a GENUINE recovery as I AM DONE WITH THE DECEIT AND FRAUDULENT BEHAVIOUR AND HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF IT and fraudsters are damaging even to your confidence and self belief etc and I have read about other parents of addicts and grown children with mental health problems and it can feel like you are going mad yourself as you want to believe what they say but it can indeed make you I'll , the stress AND dealing with someone who is lying to you on a constant basis you end up not knowing WHAT the hell to believe
I feel I would KNOW FOR SURE if this was an absolute authentic recovery but it hurts to know my daughter is to put it very bluntly a FRAUD!!!

nannynoo
You said it yourself: you have to detach yourself emotionally from your daughter.
There was something on the radio a couple of days ago relating to this.
I've just done a quick search and there's lots of help on there.
I just put in: How to detach yourself emotionally.
Please please try this. Together with your diet and a little exercise you can do this x

Will your DD be allowed to have your DGS back if her boyfriend is growing and smoking cannabis?

Best wishes

Unfortunately she is an addict and until she acknowledges that, things will not change. U must look after yourself. The advice about talking to yourself in the mirror really works. Keep reassuring yourself that u are doing an amazing job and that u will be looking after yourself a bit better in the future. U r worth it -as they say in the ad.!

.... I wish I could and that's my whole point!!

Thanks guys the main thing I am having trouble with re the relationship with my daughter is the DECEPTION if she was honest with me and said eg "Mum I struggled to give up the drinking and it was real hard but I did it through sheer determination and distracting myself but I know that I am still struggling with smoking cannabis and it doesn't help that my boyfriend smokes it and grows it but I feel I need him to lean on coz I get lonely etc even though I know he is not the best person to be living with if I want my son back" but all she says is she is fine yes she knocked the drinking on the head herself , she doesn't need any help as everything is fine and she is definitely getting her son back" so not to worry but it is the DECEPTION which worries me as Sometimes I think I am going mad as I don't know what to believe I've what she says and how she presents herself or the strong niggling feeling it is all an ACT...
I don't know for sure if she has actually stopped drinking as she is smart and there are ways to drink around the contact sessions and she has lied to my face recently about having stopped but got caught out as still drinking but said it was a mini relapse but she is over it now but why not be honest about that at the time rather than lie about it and why lie to social services and say she is not seeing anyone when she very much is
Even if she said "Mum I am worried about how I am going to manage my son so could we kinda co parent him" but no when she finds out that I have informed the authorities about her boyfriend and smoking weed etc she is going to say I am not allowed to see him 'when she gets him back' but why not be honest about it herself and get the help SHE needs rather than lie about it all but she already told me she will lie to get her son back and she expects me to do the same and that she knows how much she can drink for it not to show up in a hair strand test and that does NOT sound like someone in a genuine recovery and if she WAS I KNOW I WOULD BE FEELING DIFFERENTLY RIGHT NOW but it's the deception I hate and have had enough of but I can feel her underlying hostility and hatred towards me and I know she will try and give me hell as well when she finds out that I have alerted the authorities to the fact that she has a boyfriend she is living with and about her smoking weed but she did say that she is going to tell them herself about the boyfriend after I advised her to but does not seem to be in a hurry to do it but I just don't know what she is hiding as she is not transparent and her parenting assessor said she thinks she suffers from borderline personality disorder but I didn't believe her as I just thought she struggled with depression , panic attacks , bulimia and alcoholism blimey I say 'just' but you DO have to be well ( and honest ) to properly deal with a 10 year old boy with Autism and challenging behaviours and with emotional difficulties on top of it now and if it weren't for me having him they were talking ADOPTION not foster care as this case has gone on without enough permanency as it is hence them going for a care order now so they can make plans for his future care and I have been told he won't be removed from me but another battle is going for guardianship which I am willing to do and if I mentally detach from my daughter it is the only way through and you can't HAVE a relationship without trust and I don't trust her as far as I can throw her! Lol

nannynoo please, please look after yourself - don't buy the unhealthy foods which you and your DGS don't need. That's the only way I can do it!

Stress is so bad for you (I know, work-related stress caused me illness), so please try to remain calm, difficult I know.

Someone once posted on here: 'Fasten your own seatbelt before helping others'. I think that was it - it could have been 'Fasten your own oxygen mask before helping others' but the message remains the same.

Nannynoo your grandson is a very lucky boy to have you , but you will be no good to him if you make yourself ill . You must go talk to your dr . Take care and best wishes sorry I can't help more ?

You need to look after yourself and I understand totally how stress can burn you out. I don't know your story but get the feeling although you know what you need you need pushing in the right direction ( hope that came across ok) Have you tried any form of counselling at all as talking out your problems helps. Definitely need some ' you' time too and agree that getting your cortisol levels checked is good. Hope all goes well for u X

Hello Nannie, it is a terrible time you are having no wonder you feel ill. Caring is hard enough without it being to a child with special needs and then there is the fight between you and your daughter which is bound to make you ill. She is your blood after all, how hard this much be.
As a cArer you will have a Carers link in your area hopefully who can support you with having an assessment for your right to respite and other things even financial in some cases. Does your surgery have special support for Carers. In my area Devon, we can also have free counselling for Carers unlimited, which would benefit you enormously.
The eating has to stop Nannie, as does your grandsons. Think about his health, try to be strong and every time you do not eat healthily, think about the damage it does to yo and to him. Set a good example with ocassional treats. You can do it, the first couple of weeks are hard, but then it gets easier. If you can't do it on your own, ask your doctor for. Referral to a dietician, OT enroll with weight watchers you can even do it on line, but better to go to the meetings for weigh ins to be stimulated to carry on. You will have lapses, but get back on track.
Please, please do this for your grandson and yourself, it will in turn give you much more energy to fight your daughter and the authorities.
Seated exercises are very beneficial if you cannot cope with full exercises. You can see them on YouTube or there should be a Class in your area, age UK RUN THEM in most areas.

I really wish you all the best and hope both you and your daughter one day will bring up your DGS in unity supporting each another instead of fighting. Xx

Your daughter needs to understand the alternative to you looking after him is he is in long term foster care. Then she will NOT get her way and would end up if she was lucky seeing him only twice a year.

I know the system inside out as through fleeing domestic abuse 17 years ago ended up in the system of this country. The system is needed but it doesn't work.

I am one of the very few that somehow survived the system, came out the other side with my family intact and back together.

I identify with your daughters struggles as I did turn to alcohol to help me ''cope'' I haven't drunk now for nearly 15 years so I know it is possible to get clean and sober and stay that way. Illegal narcotics weren't a problem for me though. Drink became it for about 3 years, however that is another story I don't need to go into.

Has your daughter tried N.A and/or A.A? These are very important free services for people needing help.

Most importantly there is a fellowship called Al-Anon which is there for the families of those who have someone in their lives where drink is or has been an issue.The tools can be applied to any problem. You will learn alot through it and feel no longer alone.

I also attend Al-Anon as the ex is alcoholic not in recovery. Whilst I haven't seen him for 15 years and never will (God willing) again his behaviour also impacted me so I have duel membership to both fellowships. It has been an amazing help to me also.

Now I know your daughter has stopped drinking (we don't have a drug-anon in the U.K)however it doesn't mean you don't qualify for Al-Anon because you do. It is a support mechanism for the parents/grandparents and so on of someone who has around there lives where drinking has or is a problem. Here behaviour in or out of recovery has impacted you so it would be a good support network for you. The link is below.

Simply put: Al-Anon Family Groups provide support to anyone whose life is, or has been, affected by someone else’s drinking, regardless of whether that person is still drinking or not. For some of our members, the wounds still run deep, even if their loved one may no longer be a part of their lives or have died

I wish you well. Please see your Dr too which I know you will be reluctant to do because of it coming out and your daughter using it against you. It is about who cares for the carer.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Hi and you have certainly made a start in thinking about what you want. Now you need to carry some of it through. It's ok to take meds but the real relief will come from making some changes, prioritising your needs sometimes-not always. Take some time out and do what makes you happy, even if it's just a coffee and reading a book fora little bit. Treat your health as a big priority. I'm a holistic therapist and you're so right-stress affects our health all the time. Take all the support you can get.

It's nice to start thinking about what I want!!! x

Wow thank you so much for all your support , encouragement and input , it is just what I need
I had a really good cry earlier and realised I had been bottling up all the pain etc for WEEKS and that in itself is not good for me as crying helps release all the stress and heal from it and it's like I didn't have time to cry before as was so busy with getting on with things but glad I got in touch with my real self and expressed how I was really feeling in the way only crying can do and I felt so much better afterwards!!
I need to concentrate on ME now and I do need to detach from my daughter mentally for my own sake and my Grandsons sake and to take care of my health and myself as a whole as if my soul is not well then nor is my body as it follows and I know I can raise my Grandson if my daughter cannot or if he would come to harm in her care as I have a strong feeling he would come to emotional harm and then as a result become extremely difficult to cope with anyway as it's catch 22 xx
I want to look forward to the future and will always always be there for my Grandson and I also have good news my other daughter who lost her baby at 37 weeks 3 years ago is pregnant again! So another little person who needs his or her well Nanny around for a LONG time to come and I know it may sound crazy at my age but I would not say no to meeting a lovely man to settle down and spend my Twilight years with but he would have to be pretty special as I have got SO used to my independence but I would be bonkers to say no to a truly lovely man indeed

I have nothing to add, so will just send you a virtual hug xx ?

Reading your thread,I recognise someone who is very close to the edge. You urgently need to see your GP.
If you have a breakdown you will not be allowed to look after your GS.
So for HIS sake you absolutely need help.
You are obviously an immensely strong lady but the nervous system can only take so much...been there,done that,as they say !
I wish you all the luck and love in the world.

Not all autistic children are the same btw (for anybody not in the know) but nannynoo and I have the same sort of grandchild.
Some autistic children are on the placid side, or just anxious, therefore much easier to deal with.

What all the others say nannynoo and anybody older taking on the day to day care of an autistic little boy is a saint in my view.Yes, I would have my DGS if it was an emergency for a few weeks, but you have done it for years now.We love our DGC whatever their disablities, but you must put your health first and see the
GP.
Take care of yourself.?

Oh nannynoo, I've been there, got the Tshirt. You won't be any good to your grandson if you're sick. So put your health and your one precious body first. Your grandson needs a healthy grandmother. The judge in my daughters case ruled 2x hair strand tests, 3months apart, then hourly supervised visits. But your daughter, like mine, will keep on fighting back until she hits her bottom and gets into a 12 step program. Right now you are fighting the drug, not your daughter. You need support for yourself. Get to online alanon meetings, or Families Anonymous meetings and to the doctor. Good luck.