Toilet training problems

One of the causes of this late toilet training is due to the fact that nurseries now take children aged 3 without being toilet trained. At one time state nurseries didn't accept children if they weren't. Quite a retrograde step in my opinion.
I understand if there is a medical reason, but, there are a lot of parents who just leave it late and don't get on with it.

Where on earth did that come from? Day nurseries have always accepted children of any age and they didn't need to be 'toilet trained'. Play schools (remember those) accepted 2and 1/2 year olds, supposedly if they were toilet trained, but as they only ran from 9.15or 30 to 12, it was possible to say the child kept having accidents! Nursery classes attached to schools usually accepted children the year before they went to school, so 3+ or 4

DGS was comparatively slower than the norm in his development and was diagnosed as autistic at 3 years old. His parents were worried about toilet training but we all encouraged him to use the potty/special toilet seat before we went out, before he went to bed, when he got up etc before putting disposable nappies/pull ups on him. We never demanded he use the toilet - it was always a case of 'I'm going before I go out, do you want to?' We also made sure he had plenty to drink during the day but reduced the amount after his evening meal. All of a sudden he became dry and, at nearly 8 years old, has only had one weeing accident since. Unfortunately he also had one pooing accident at school but we think that was more to do with what he had for lunch that day as he doesn't like to 'go' at school and is quite a fussy eater!

I think the cause of late toilet training is the fact children are seldom wet and uncomfortable. I have seen pull ups that allow the child to feel damp, perhaps they might be the answer, they were available in a large supermarket and made by a famous brand.

Many thanks to all suggestions and advice. DD is going to contact ERIC - she has already googled it and is planning to phone asap. GP - you can't get an appointment for love nor money at their awful surgery (a problem in the area as one was closed down and another has closed its doors to new patients). One month in advance unless you are willing and able to queue from 8am for a same-day appointment. Not easy with a disability!

DGD has had three UTIs since Easter. Each time she's been prescribed trimethoprim (a pretty useless antibiotic and hasn't worked for DD's UTIs for years). Suspect that DGD has inherited the family tendency to get them and that might well be a factor. DD, her partner and grandparents all do their best to encourage DGD to drink more and wee more but she is resistant to both when she's feeling stubborn. DD is rigorous in following good preventative hygiene practices with her daughter, wiping from front to back and so on; also interestingly DGD is fine at night, wakes up to go to the toilet and is dry at night. She doesn't soil herself at all.

Nappies had been suggested in desperation but DGD was very upset at the idea so it wasn't pursued. She wants to wear pants and is proud of them (she chose her own). At our house we have two potties and a pink loo seat. Her mum and dad have a portable potty in the car for travelling.

Backing off from pressure sounds like an excellent course of action - praise when she goes to the loo and no fuss if she has an accident, so her mum and dad are trying hard to be consistent on that one.
DD had another blow today as a hospital visit with the surgeon was less than positive. She had so hoped that a solution to her severe pain could be on the cards, but there was only the option of MORE surgery or drugs which can only be prescribed after referral to a pain clinic (which will take ages). No reassurance that things could improve long term, which is really difficult for them all.

We had DGD for the day while they were at the hospital and she did really well potty wise. I showed her the potty while she was playing and said she could use if when she felt she needed to and if she did, she could choose a sparkly sticker. I then went out of the room. A short while later I returned to see if she was OK, to find she had used the potty. Much praise and a pretty sticker to adorn her top. By the end of the afternoon there were 4 stickers. I am pleased, but well aware that this is at our house and not her own home, so a different ball game.

I'll try out some more of the suggestions here and talk to DD about them too. Thank you all again :-)

Thanks for coming back - lots of positives - I'm sure it will soon be fine - sorry about your dd though

What a pity the news about your daughter isn't more positive. Pain is so demoralising and must make it very hard with a young child. It's so easy for children to get the idea that everything that goes wrong whether it's wet knickers or Mummy being ill. I'm sure taking the pressure off is the way to go.

It is a really individual thing and whether disposables were used or not doesn't need to be a factor. My daughter was potty trained before she turned 2 but then I knew she was ready. I agree with pressure making things potentially worse and I believe UTIs can be a big factor making it more difficult.
Stickers are a great idea, I used the cheapest £1 Morrisons potty but every time my daughter used it, she got to choose a sticker to stick on the potty. She loved to pick them and then show the family, all the colourful stickers she had accumulated, after a while she wasnt even bothered about getting stickers any more it was such a regular occurance.
There is a lot going on in your GDs life, so best of luck.

I accept that a lot has changed in toilet training children over the years but I'd guess much of it for the better. 50 years ago I remember a little 8 year old who was still wetting his bed and was forced to wash his own sheets and hang them out in front of other children as a punishment. Years later, I remember children having accidents being called dirty and disgusting. I still think about that little boy and wonder at the damage done to him

I would definitely want a medical check-up to see if here is any reason for a child of 4 seemingly not wishing to use the toilet. Can remember one of my youngest (and I thought I was well experienced by then), having dreadful problems, crying every time I tried to put her on the potty. Turned out she had a real nasty painful UTI. I should have caught it much earlier, but was so taken up with looking at 'pyschological' problems.
One of my g.daughters could never get clean. She would lie about it, even when we could all smell it - this was when she school age. Turned out she has some sort of syndrome which means that the nerve endings around the anus just do not operate properly to inform her when she needs to have a bowel movement. After several years of different types of treatment, she is now in her teens and has to give herself a 'washout' every other day which is dealing with this.
So, before looking at all sorts of emotional problems, do get the child checked out properly medically.