Children or G.children - who do you care for most?

I am the one in the middle. I am an only child, a life-long disappointment to my mother (it started with being born female and continued from there), but I am the mother of a son. My son and my mother spent his childhood years as a mutual appreciation society. It meant I got left in peace and criticised to a much lesser extent. It does not particularly upset me - if I am honest, if we weren't related to one another my mother and I would not have anything in common. We just do not understand one another. My son is now an adult and loves his Nan very much, but thinks that she is bossy and a 'bit control freaky'. Let's face it, we are all tied by kinship to some people we don't understand and/or like - in the words of my mother, 'yes dear, I do love you, I just don't like you very much' (she denies saying it now of course), so why pretend. You just treat everyone fairly and be kind, and don't confuse a desire to possess and control with love.

Until my own children were born I never realised that you could love anyone so deeply.
Once they came along I was blown away.
Over the years those feelings ebb in their intensity, by me anyway ,and are forgotten.
Once my grandchildren came along those feeling returned, no more or no less, but I would put their needs over that of my children.

Personally, I feel that grandparents who are OTT were parents who had little time for enjoying their own children so they try to make up for it through the g.kids. I've watched this happened with my own MIL and it's so sad in a way. Her life was too busy running after the husband and gymming and tanning that she didn't spend that quality time she should have with her kids. I won't do the same with mine. I will have many years to do what I want to do when they are older and on their own mission.

That's good! I was beginning to think I was unusual. I think if you share the care of a grandchild, like looking after them in the day while parent work, then it's probably more likely you're going to have that deep bond similar to what you have with your own, but in my case I only see each of them once a month on average for a few hours or overnight due to travel logistics, and although I care greatly for their welfare and happiness, I tend to think of it largely in terms of how awful my own child would feel if they were worried about or grieving for their child.

I agree with ginny I think we all have as much love as we need to go around. I love my DH, my children and my grandchildren with all my heart . I don't give them a bit each, in percentages .

Franbern - you are not alone in feeling like this. When my first grandchild was born 4 years ago I didn’t know what to feel. She was adorable as all babies are and yet I didn’t feel that rush of unconditional love that I felt for my own children. I did actually post on here about how I felt (or didn’t feel) and there were many that shot me down in flames! I, like you, just wondered if there was anyone else out there with the same experience. My granddaughter was a tricky toddler and her behaviour wasn’t handled well (and still isn’t tbh) which wasn’t conducive to my relationship with her. I have grown to love her however over the years including my little grandson but the love I have for them will never match what I feel for my own children. So, no, you’re far from being alone in this. In fact, it was heartening to read your post. I feel better now too! Give it time x

Having my DGC was like having my boys again- just without all the hard work & sleepless nights. Youngest is image of his Dad & just the same cheeky character. All 6 are amazing- even the 'problem' older DGD
I don't think I have ever thought about which I love most- I just adore them all & am so very lucky to have them near enough to see them regularly- something I never take for granted.
I love seeing my boys doing & saying the things I said to & did with them to their own children- it's magic.

I also don't think you can apportioned love. I never thought I could love another women's children as much as my own and was wonderfully surprised when my grandchildren arrived and I did. The joy of having a baby/child in the family is fabulous. Watching my my own children nurturing and loving their children gives me such a feeling of contentment and pride. I feel so lucky to have loved and been so loved by them all.

I love my children more than anything else, but love my grandchildren as part of them. It isn't the same though because you are not making choices for them or being immersed in their daily upbringing in the same intense way.

Love both my DC with all my heart. Same with my DGC. All of them mean the world to me and DH. Pretty fond of both my DIL's too.

Never compared. Different types of relationships. I just love all my family with all my heart.

I haven't had contact with GC for 10 mths now. Of course I would dearly love to see or even speak to them but I'm not as devastated as I would be not to have contact with D for that long.

I was definitely 'surprised by love' for my GS. I just didn't realise l would love him so very much. But l haven,'t compared the loves l have ...different relationships, different bonds, but the same depths of love l think.

I love my DS to his very bones and that hasn't diminished or changed in any way since the 2 GC arrived. I love both of my GC too, just as much. But love isn't a cake whereby the more people there are in your life; the slices of cake get smaller. The cake of love just gets bigger. a very clunking analogy there but you get my drift

Your friends sound a bit unhinged, Eglantine. I’d back away slowly, if I were you.

I agree with you, BlueBelle. Love isn’t something that’s limited, to be shared out. I’ve never understood how anyone can love one of their children more than another. To my mind this is the same situation. I love them all, totally and unconditionally.

I don t think you can approportion love out you either love with your every bit of being or not. To me love doesn’t involve percentages
I only know if any of my children or grandchildren needed a kidney or something I d give any of them I wouldn’t think ‘well I d give to that one but maybe not that one’ so as far as that’s concerned I feel l love them all as my flesh and blood
Eglantine your story is appalling

Eglantine, that is appalling. I love all three of our children dearly. Our grandchildren are very dear to me, but we have not had the input and closeness that we had with our children, due to the distance at which they live from us. Now that we are great grandparents and my heart is overflowing with love. We will not see them often, the love is different, but nothing will surpass my love for our children.

Actually I'm quite alarmed by the obsessive/possessive love that two people I know have for their grandchildren. One of them is definitely working at the breakdown of her daughter's marriage so that daughter and grandchild will come home to live with her.
The other daydreams about the child being left an orphan and she will bring her up

Oh for an edit button. I want to add that some grandparents do seem to elevate their grandchildren to centre stage, that is to some kind of higher importance than their own adult children, the grandchildrens' parents.

Of course it isn't a competition BlueBell but I'm not sure it's a daft question. I'm besotted with my grandchildren, I get so much fun and enjoyment out of them but - my own children haven't been put on the back burner or reduced to 2nd citizens.

It’s not a competition ...daft question imo

Imo, the loves are different because, as norose says, there isn't that sense of responsibility with our gc, except when we're babysitting. I don't really see how the two can be compared, and I don't try. I love them all - that's it.

I agree Franbern, my husband and children are my most loved.

When I went to the hospital after my daughter had her baby I went straight to my daughter to see how she was before looking at my grandchild.
I love them all, but I suppose really I put my children first.