Toddler tantrums

I'm a great believer in distraction and most definitely going outdoors and doing something very active.
Alternatively, get him to show you what he wants. Get on a level with, holding him gently if you can, make eye contact and say 'Name' (pause)...... Show me what you want" If you are taking deeper and longer breaths as well when you are holding him he may well mirror that and calm himself.

Ah, the terrible twos! It's the time when toddlers are beginning to exert their own personalities, and haven't the emotional and language skills to be able to express themselves. I remember it well. One incident sticks in my mind. My DD and I were shopping, and apparently things were not going her way. She threw herself on to the pavement, screaming! I continued to walk on. She soon jumped up and followed me. She was about 2 yrs. 6 months old, and I had her baby brother in the buggy.
They soon grow through it, but it is tiring while it lasts.

Think the most important thing is to choose your battles!

bubbe Great advice about distraction , I have used it for my 4 and then all the GC and it absolutely works . Also I think that the reason for the `terrible` two`s is frustration at not being understood , listened to or similar so getting down on their level and actually asking what they are trying to say and then listening to the answer can stop a tantrum (not EVERY time !) but mostly . It does pass but can be tiring while you are in the middle of it xx

Complete distraction If you are out and about or if that fails pick up the screaming child and find somewhere safe you can leave him to calm down, while you are watching him like a hawk.

In a supermarket some time ago there was a screaming tantrum age child being carried around the shop and the father was very calmly ignoring him. Sensible man, no shouting no discussing. No "bribery" . Sometimes toddlers just don't know what they are crying about and it's impossible to find out.

Bubbe and f77ms, yes frustration has a great deal to do with what a 2 year old tries to cope with. They know what they want and mean, but just haven't always got the vocabulary. I remember my little GS getting so uptight and frustrated. He was trying to describe a balcony to me, but couldn't. He had seen one on a flat when we were out walking, but had never seen one before.

Giving 2 choices (both of which must be genuine choices that you are willing to allow) helps them to feel that they have some control. You don't give any examples of what triggers a tantrum so I can't really give any suggestions of the kind of choices. The key is helping them to feel that they have a choice and some control over their life/choices - at a 2 year old toddler level!!

Oh this is such a welcome thread. I have toddler grandsons, their tantrums are beyond anything I've experienced with my own 3 or older grandchildren.
I use distraction which is more effective with one than the other who is a very determined child.
I've found it helps when I pick up the determined child, when he throws himself on the floor and yells, cuddling him, stroking his back and given a simple short explanation as to why I'm thwarting his request (for more chocolate biscuits for e.g.)
I also use the two choices which usually avoids tantrums e.g. - which juice do you want red or orange, which shoes, which book - always only two choices and this does give them a sense of control, which is what they're yearning for.
It's so tiring isn't it, especially as we adore them and find it hard to say no but we must or we do none of us any favours.

DD2 could tantrum for England especially when in public....she rose to the occasion lol. She used to fling herself down as if she had tripped up and then scream and bang her head on the ground. I quickly found that any attention made her worse so I used to look for a place to sit or rest against and wait. Often people would be concerned because her head banging looked very dangerous but tbh there was rarely a mark on her forehead although it appeared to hit the ground many times. I would simply say that she was mine and was perfectly OK. As long as I could prevent kindly/unkindly interventions for a few minutes she would stand up as if nothing had happened and carry on walking with me. Then we would act as if nothing had happened.

Good advice here, imo!

I think a lot depends on why he's having the tantrum. If it's because he can't express what he wants. that's one thing. If you can figure it out, fine. If it's because he can't get his way that's another.

In either case, I've always found it most effective to ignore the tantrum. Maybe cuddle child if their frustrated, but don't give in or try to explain. They need to learn that you won't discuss things with them till they calm down. Seems to me, they calm down quicker this way.

Then you can try to figure out what the frustrated one wants and maybe give it to them. Or you can explain (simply) to the angry one why you have to say "No." Then move on with your day.

Of course, in a store, etc. you might have to take child out for a while. Also, some kids have a melt down when they're tired or bored. So I hope you and gs' mom avoid taking him places where that will be the case or staying so long that he's bound to get worn out.

DGD is/was going through a phase of biting herself when she is/was angy...I still remember the days when my daughter used to lie on the floor of the supermarket screaming!

Reminds me of a wee story.

Grandad is pushing the trolley around the supermarket with dgc seated in the trolley having a major tantrum.
Grandad says ..... Now Now William, we're nearly there.
Now Now William... not much longer.
Not long to go now William.

Another customer came up to him at the checkout and said.... I am really impressed at how you have coped with this tantrum, William is fortunate to have such a patient grandfather.

Grandfather says, Oh this little %$£$ he's Kevin, I'm William.

I think distraction has to be used carefully! I’ve seen people use sweets or toys as a distraction, and to the child this seems like a reward for their behaviour. It also can mean they are centre of attention, so it may continue.
I’d be inclined just to ignore the behaviour ( as long as it’s safe to do so!)

I often say: "Do you need some help?" Eventually - after saying this on many occasions - the current 2+ year old says: "Please help me" when faced with a challenge that he cannot meet, rather than going berserk.

I was trying to get him to understand that he can ask for help and someone will be there.

Mind you ,he is a pretty good-natured chap, so I am a bit spoiled.

Coolgran65

I don't think anyone has suggested sweets as a distraction! I use distraction as a means of avoiding a full tantrum. Once in tantrum mode, they are generally best ignored wherever possible. Our big tantrum chief is doing so much less as his speech is developing. With most children, it can be linked to being over tired/hungry/out of sorts - if a full tantrum can be headed of at the pass, fine, if not walking off and ignoring helps

Love it!

I remember our youngest DGS having a tantrum, throwing himself onto the floor. After this had gone on for some time with no end in sight, i got down with him, screaming (not as loudly as him!) and kicking my feet. He was so surprised he stopped immediately. This happened at home of course, I don't recommend it in the supermarket!

I wish that when my two (now 41 and 38) were little I'd had the weekly email newsletters I get now (free) from Dr Laura Markham, an American parenting guru. www.ahaparenting.com/
I feel positively evangelical about her, feeling that the world would be so much nicer a place if everyone in it had been brought up by her! And a lot of what she suggests in adults dealing with children is pretty good guidance for adults in treating other adults too.
I know this comment isn't specifically about tantrums, but Laura does talk about them, I just haven't time to seek out example passages.

When my daughter was 2 she threw a spectacular tantrum, fortunately in our living room. I got up and went through to the kitchen. She calmly stopped her tantrum,stood up and followed me through. She then threw herself back on the floor and started again. I just thought to myself well, there is no point in having a tantrum without a audience! I was amused that she knew that. My little grandson didn’t have tantrums but he would quietly and stubbornly refuse to do what I wanted until I found that it was ME that was having the tantrum!! Distraction always did the trick in the end. A choice of 2 things worked best.

I remember being in a toy shop with my dad and my two year old daughter. She sat on a little bicycle. When I tried to lift her off she went into full meltdown. I turned around to see my dad making an exit from the shop!

Cut down on sweet stuff. No aspartame no E. numbers. D.S. was a nightmare until we changed his food.

Elder GD could be distracted by me going to the window and urging her to come quickly to see a cute cat. Her father used to video her tantrums and when he started to play it back she would run to see herself on screen.
I honestly can not remember a single time where my DC had a tantrum, maybe I anticipated their every need or just maybe when they saw THAT LOOK they thought better of it

I feel like throwing myself on the floor and screaming in the supermarket.............