Any advice is appreciated!DIL at a loss here!!

Op, I definitely think you need to steer clear of mil. Don't try to interfere with dh's relationship with her - that's up to him. But I would object to his taking gd to see her, unless you can trust him to keep baby in his sight the whole time and leave if he sees anyone is ill.

If mil or any of her relatives fight his efforts to protect gd, then, he can co them if he feels it's necessary. If it comes to that, it will be your ils' own fault.

I'm one of those who advised the op to back away a bit from her mil, but I didn't suggest cutting her out altogether. I just suggested that op stop trying so hard, as it isn't working.

Sometimes when one person steps back, the other moves forward. Maybe if op lets go a little, her dh will make more effort to include his mom. Or mil and family will make an effort to see gd at mutually convenient times. If mil suspects that op has backed away because of her (mil's) bad behavior, perhaps mil will consider honoring parental requests from then on.

I think some gps feel as if they don't have to watch out for their gc's health and safety because they're not the parents. Some of them feel that as a gp they can do whatever they want and leave the worrying up to the parents. Op's mil could be like this.

But I don't believe she deliberately "coughed all over" baby. It probably happened involuntarily. The problem is, imo, that she chose to be around baby, knowing she had a virus. But some gps, I think, are very selfish when it comes to their gc. They are so busy getting their needs ( to see and hold baby, etc) met that they don't think about their gc's health, etc. I'm NOT saying ALL, but there are a few like that.

If she has gone as far as to try to interfere with op's job as well as endanger her baby, op needs, imo, to keep herself and her baby away from her as much as possible. Of course, that will hurt mil, but she will have brought it on herself by being a detriment to them both. This is not the same, Yoga and Smielless, as your own situations, and I hope you can see that.

And yes, she has mentioned the rest of dh's extended family, Yoga, because it seems they have all been difficult and disrespected her as the mother. She needs a break from all of them, imo. Again, their doing, not hers.

Smileless, here is the extract you refer to where the OP said :

"Another suggested that I am just whinging and should be the better person? I'm not trying to be rude when I say this but how would you like me to respond? Should I accept that she treats me like this and just continue to allow it? Should I let her get away with putting my child at risk? "

Clearly the question about putting the child at risk was meant rhetorically with the intended answer "No." .

I'm sorry but no way I would put myself in your situation. Why are you walking into the lion's den? Yes, your DD should have a relationship with her dad's family but if they're so mean to you he needs to make time for you ALL to go there together. You need to put you & your DDs safety, well being, health & happiness FIRST. By going there you are sort of giving them permission to carry on treating you like rubbish. Why are going to spoil your 1st Christmas with DD because of them? I hope it gets better.

Actually bugsy what's impressed me about the over whelming majority of responses on this thread is the advice for the OP to have no contact with her m.i.l. but not for her husband to cut his mother out.

And no, I'm not a very difficult woman just because I don't agree with you. Anyway, I thought you weren't going to post anymore.

Your clearly a very difficult women smileless.. read the thread and you'll understand why OP was advised by many posters to cut our her mil

buggsy you accuse me of berating the OP, which I have not done, I simply questioned 2 points that she made.

IMO the OP did not raise any concerns that were bigger than her m.i.l. coughing all over her DD knowing she had a virus and she herself asking GN's if she should continue to allow her m.i.l. putting her D's saftey at risk.

You obviously don't understand the meaning of berating, when you accuse me of doing so when I haven't and yet you continue to berate me.

I have only 2 issues with the OP, both of which I've clearly stated Violetfloss. I am not saying I don't believe she has problems with her m.i.l. and I'm certainly not saying that her m.i.l. is whiter than white. I have been honest in saying that there are two items in her posts that I find hard to believe and so, I understand Yogagirl's difficulty.

I am not going to comment on any remarks Yogagirl has made on this, or any other thread and don't see why you feel it appropriate to refer to them in response to my last post. As far as "read(ing) between the lines of situations" is concerned, you may feel that this what Yogagirl has done and it is therefore appropriate for some one to reciprocate. I have not read between the lines. I have referred specifically to 2 points made by the OP.

I have been posting on GN for 5 years, predominately about estrangement as it is in issue close to my heart, for obvious reasons. I do not 'read between the lines' or make un substantiated assumptions on the issue of estrangement and do not like such assumptions being made about my situation which buggsy did in her last post.

I understand and sympathise with the problems you've encountered with your m.i.l. You say your husband allowed the situation to escalate because he was more worried about his mother's reaction than yours and for that I am sorry. Our ES allowed our situation to escalate because he was so concerned about his wife's reaction that he ultimately cut out, apart from his brother, his entire family.

Violetfloss.. I agree with your last post completely.... and wonder why Smileless has used 2 small examples to berate OP when there were much bigger concerns expressed... (no mention of those smileless?) Yoga is vile in her posts at times your right (if she was same to her children I feel sorry for them).

I'm not going to post again because those 2 clearly can't see what's right in front of them

Absolutely Smileless, but in a way, I caused that by not standing up to her and protecting my child. I had been walking on egg shells for months. My husband also let it happen because keeping her happy was all that he had known because he was much more worrird about her reaction than mine.. untill I came out of that doctors room that is.

The OP has stated that her MIL has told her to wear make up to stop her DH from straying, made fun of her looks and weight, ignored her wants for her baby and does the opposite to what shes asked, refuses to give the baby back to her mother when she's hungry and hysterically crying, has made unreasonable demands, has made no attempts to visit, made the OP cry, called her an overprotective clingy bitch, MIL has been told of her unacceptable behaviour which shes ignored and gone into the OPs work place to slag her off all while the poor lass is on Anxiety medication, seeing a therapist and is Aneamic.

Yoga has been quite vile on this thread about the OP and about me on another thread. Calling me the DIL from hell, commenting on my 'long suffering husband' and my 'loving' MIL who lied about having Cancer and made my husband cry after degrading him in front of a room full of people. I could go on.

That's 2 threads, 2 different people who happen to be in laws and women. If she thinks it's acceptable to 'read between the lines' of situations, hers is no different.

There was nothing derogatory about my post buggsy. The OP stated that she was "happy for brutal honesty", that said it was not my intention to be brutal and I do not believe that I have been.

"makes me wonder whether a similar attitude was used in your own personal family situations" and you accuse Yogagirl of being passive aggressive!!

Yes thank you Violetfloss I am a normal person despite our estrangement. I seem to remember being empathetic to your own situation on another thread despite the fact that my son has cut us out of his and our only GC's lives. I do not automatically assume that the s.i.l. or d.i.l. is to blame in these tragic situations.

There is a vast difference in a GP referring to the way they raised their own children, believing they know better and thinking that parents who are over reacting to a GP, who knowing they have a virus "coughs all over" their baby GC and not being able to walk unaided, would carry their baby GC around in their arms.

According to the OP, her m.i.l. isn't behaving the way she is because she thinks she knows best, she's behaving in this way because she has no regard for her GD's safety.

"Should I let her get away with putting my child at risk"; the OP's words, not mine.

I agree that it's not easy to stand up to bullies but if a mother genuinely believes that their child's safety and welfare is at risk, surely it is their child's welfare that takes precedence, regardless of what their m.i.l. may say. Isn't that why you "ended up in an after hours GP surgery with (your) 4 month old" because regardless of how intimidating you found your m.i.l. your instinct was to protect your child?

That's not true smileless I have assumed that children in law we're at fault in previous posts (I even recall being sympathetic towards your situation in the past) and to be honest the OP has commented enough - what on earth else would you need her to clarify. Both yours and yogas posts we're extremely derogatory towards her.. especially Yogas- makes me wonder whether a similar attitude was used in your own personal family situations. Or maybe your just overly bias because of that. There is nothing that OP has said which should have provoked yours and Yogas posts though and I hope she disregards your comments and listens to other helpful posters... poor women has all the pressures of a young family plus a crazy extended one too. She's already in therapy

'I simply find it hard to believe that regardless of the disdain a m.i.l. may have for her d.i.l. that she would deliberately put the welfare of her own GC at risk. '

Then you are obviously a normal person. There are 'Loving' Grandmothers out there who think they know better than the child's own Mother and Father and the parents are 'being silly', 'over reacting' or my personal favourite 'we did it with you and you're alright'

This is coming from a mother who ended up in an after hours GP surgery with her 4 month old because of it. Trust me, they exist.

Well buggsy I wasn't handing out advice on family relations I was querying the content of the OP and a later comment she made.

Being estranged from my own son and only GC does not preclude me from having and expressing an opinion. I have yet to see one post from you on the subject of estrangement when you haven't automatically assumed that it's always the fault of the parent/GP who finds themselves cut out.

I simply find it hard to believe that regardless of the disdain a m.i.l. may have for her d.i.l. that she would deliberately put the welfare of her own GC at risk. Perhaps the OP will comment for herself.

The OP is seeing a therapist because she feels she needs to be more assertive. She has been torn to pieces by her MIL, and feels she can't speak up to her to get her point across, which is why she's seeking help. She gets anxiety attacks just at the thought of a phone call.
It's not easy to stand up to bullies.

'To make matters worse DD is a shy little baby and they refuse to pass her back to me when she needs to be fed or is hysterically crying they just ignore me until DH tells them to hand her back.'

There is no respect for the OP, imagine her kicking up a fuss to get her baby back? She would still be in the wrong with her MIL. She cannot win.

Phew!!

May I just say that sometimes you do need a breather, a break from someone to assess the situation and decide on the best way forward. Sometimes a rapprochement of some kind can be established so that a DGC does not lose contact with a GP who loves him or her. Sometimes the only way forward is to go as a couple, together with the child, and not on your own to visit, so that any signs of inappropriate behaviour or remarks can be stamped on by the son or daughter, not the DIL or SIL. It could take a long while to reach the stage where family gatherings are possible or DGC are able to be left with grandparents. Be sure, though, that if GP start to make nasty remarks to DGC about their mummy (or daddy) a child who is a bit older will probably not tolerate that and may refuse to visit.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller

Smileless to be fair your not in the best position to be handing out advice on family relations to anybody. You and Yoga should stop trying to pick on this vulnerable young girl that has clearly gone above and beyond to preserve a relationship with a women that is awful to her.
It takes a lot of courage/strength to cut a close/relative out of your life even when you may feel that your own child is somewhat at risk.
I doubt your own children made that decision lightly and the OP certainly doesn't seem to.

I agree Madgran that there are "nightmare" people around but there are two things that you've posted *DILSeekingAdvice" that TBH I'm having difficulty getting my head around.

The first is in your OP when you say your m.i.l., a woman who bought up her own children and would surely know the importance of keeping babies away from infection, coughed all over your baby daughter and then told you she'd picked up a virus. The second is in a more recent post when you say "should I let her get away with putting my child at risk".

I can understand why Yogagirl finds this thread unbelievable. Perhaps for some, it isn't unbelievable that your m.i.l. could be inconsiderate enough to risk making her own baby GD ill by visiting in the knowledge that she has a virus and then coughing all over her but I must say I'm struggling to comprehend it.

What I do find extremely hard to believe though is your apparent admission that you are "putting (your) child at risk" by allowing this situation to continue. Even with a supportive husband, I'm staggered that any mother would do so.

Yogagirl I know from other threads that you have had a dreadful time and are still estranged because of unbelievably awful behaviour from your SIL. I can only imagine your pain and anger. What I don't understand is why you appear unable to consider that this DIL (the OP) is suffering some unbelievably awful behaviour from her MIL just as you have from your SIL. She did not come on GN from the perspective of getting validation of CO. In fact the opposite- she wanted help and has been clear that she wants to try and maintain a relationship. There are "nightmare" people around; some are MILs; FILs; SILs; DILs; Daughters; Sons; Fathers; Mothers; Wives; Husbands; Friends;......and so on!! For you it is your SIL and you are clear that as a MIL and mother, you don't deserve this and you have tried to solve it! For others it might well be a MIL or some other relationship!: Are you able to see thator do you believe in laws are just always in the wrong? Perhaps inadvertently, that is the impression that you give.

OP, and anyone else who believes that breaking away from a bossy grandparent will let them increase their strong bond with their child

OP hasn't said that. She said she hoped for a good relationship for her DD and grandparents but the way her MiL is behaving makes that impossible.

There is no competing. There is no game. It's called life. Kids grow up and they find a spouse.

It's the people who make up in their head, and compete for imaginary 'number 1' spot in their adult child's life that get a nasty shock when the only person playing, is them.

If I get to the stage in my life when both of my Children have sat me down, like Ops husband has with his mother and like my husband has done with his mother and told me my behaviour was appalling, it's upsetting for them and it was difficult for them to be around me..and so on. Then I continue to act that way, it would be my own damn fault if they 'cut me off'

Bossy grandparents are one thing. Having to seek out a therapist due to their childhood, plus their spouse having to find a therapist and go on medication due to a parents/ inlaw behaviour is not part of a functioning relationship.

Going into your DILs work to cause trouble for her isn't normal and neither is lying about having Cancer and throwing threats around like glitter.

For Dil read SiL - I should proof-read better.

But, OP, and anyone else who believes that breaking away from a bossy grandparent will let them increase their strong bond with their child, remember that it was probably the strength of the bond that the grandmother felt with their child - (the mother or father of their grandchild) which could have caused them to resent their daughter-in-law or DiL, or caused them to be so involved in their child's life that they couldn't resist "helping" and "advising"whether their interference was welcome or not.

At some stage in your child's life, their strongest bond will change to be with their partner, and if a mother does not acknowledge that fact and gracefully move into second place, there will be a painful amputation. Keep in mind for the future that being a beloved second is far better than being a hated ex-first who fought jealously to try to keep that position.