Any advice is appreciated!DIL at a loss here!!

As it seems they have proved incapable of respecting your opinion on anything so far, my advice would be:
* only visit or have them to visit you when your husband/your mother is there 100% of the time to support you.
* if they do anything you are uncomfortable with at their house then leave straightaway and tell them why. If it happens at yours then tell them they cannot be invited again until they can ensure the same behaviour does not happen again
* pick the important battles to fight i.e. safety aspects-only hold baby when sitting, no food not approved by you, no kissing on mouth, sticking to bedtime routine etc.
* tell them if their behaviour does not improve you will have to consider moving out of the area.
I'm really sorry your life is like this when you should be at your happiest and your family most supportive. I had a good relationship with my MiL but I was always firm on what I considered acceptable and had a supportive husband who held the same standards. She accepted I was insistent on certain things like no smoking in the house/car, no running off in the street etc. but I ignored things like her buying sweets etc. whenever my child asked for them. My daughter just knew that was what nanny did, but I didn't. I was the strictest mum out of their 3 DiLs and they could see my girls were the best behaved and had the best standards as they grew up and they also had the most fun.

So much advice here! But actually, I think you need to do what feels right for you at this time, as you’re clearly very stressed and anxious. I think you should explain to your husband (again) that you can’t cope with seeing them at the moment and that he needs to convey that to them. This is a time for him to support you. Perhaps he could visit them with your child, if he wants to...and you stay at home. If they come to your house, don’t reply to the door...or to any messages etc. All these high emotions need to calm down, otherwise it will all continue, even escalate. It doesn’t mean that things can’t improve in the future...but right now, it’s reached the point where you have to think of yourself. So, don’t go over past stuff, don’t argue with anyone, just say how you feel..and what you want..and leave it at that.

It is always hard on a forum like this as we only hear one side of the situation; but, taken at face value, it seems that the healthiest thing for this DIL to do is accept that her MIL does not like her, support her OH in his contact with MIL, and protect her child from harm - and keep out of it as much as possible.

I'm afraid to say that it's unlikely your mil will change. I lived through it with my my own mil who was nasty, malicious and thought that her way was the only way. She met her match with me, but it took me some time to stand up to her and when I did she cut all ties with me. Just me, not DH or DS. I became an outcast; my name was left off greeting cards and in any 'get together' I was excluded.

I, too, suffered with anxiety. That's not good for you and your baby and dh. I would keep my distance, and choose when YOU want to engage. Not cut them out completely at this stage, but just a partial no contact, it may help.

Above all, do not feel guilty about any decision you make. Learn to put yourself first from time to time, and enjoy your 'me' time to the full.

Our ward manager used to call us " Lovely Ladies" I don't recall anyone taking offence to it!

Oh hun I really feel for you. Could have written this myself. You need to get her out of your life and you will be soooo much happier! I now haven't seen my mil for three months and am the happiest i've ever been! it's your life and your rules and you are under no obligation to try and get on with her, put up with her or have her babysit or come round. good luck!!

Yogagirl for someone quoting " Buddha" and a few other GN who have posted negative comments( where is your empathy) if you can't give any helpful advice to the OP why post at all?

Yogagirl, at the end of the day we can only react to what the OP says, unless we suspect it's not true. I have no reason to believe she's lying, any more than anyone else who comes on here asking for advice and support. Gransnet would be a very quiet place if we chose not to believe anything we were told. How could we advise or comment on anybody's situation if that were the case?

Oh you poor thing, you have been a lot more patient than I would have been. There comes a time when you have to put her on notice and tell her she has exhausted your patience and you won’t tolerate any more nastiness and disrespect. If she wants to be part of your lives she either accepts your wishes, whether she approves or not, or she will be excluded from your and your child’s life, your husband can have a relationship with her, without you having to put up with her behaviour. You can’t let her make you anxious and stressed. I suspect at the heart of this is jealousy. Instead of being happy that her son has met someone who he loves, she is acting like a jealous ex, some mothers are so possessive that is what they do.

I am lucky, my son’s partner is lovely and we have become good friends, if she has a day off she often rings and we go shopping or have lunch, their new baby is due next month, my first grandchild and I couldn’t be more excited, she has two lovely children from a previous marriage and needs no advice from me, but I wouldn’t volunteer any unless I was asked, it’s her baby and I will respect her ways, will visit when invited, and being a clean freak would be horrified at anyone going near him if they had anything infectious, as for kissing a baby on the lips when you could pass on any bugs, that’s an absolute no no in my book, but it’s up to his mother to decide, not me. Her mother and I get on great as well, no jealousy or competition and that how families should be. I feel sorry for you that you have this awful woman to deal with.

I hope you can reach some kind of agreement with her, but some people are just plain nasty, and it’s not your fault, it’s down to her, so please don’t let her make you miserable.

You can't have a reasonable conversation with an unreasonable person so don't bother. Tell your mil and the family to take a running jump. Go off and treat yourself to something that'll boost your self esteem like a new haircut or style (mines blue/purple/pink it's amazing how many people stop and talk to me because of it) Its your DD, your DH. You don't have to put up with someone treating you like that and if your DH doesn't support you in preference to his mother he can go the same way. My first mil was a nightmare like yours, her son, my first DH, chose to back her in everything so that marriage didn't last long, my second mil was an angel and I miss her dreadfully.

I read a very good book, ‘Toxic In laws’ by an American psychologist which was helpful. She divided the Toxic In laws into five groups:
1. Engulfing
2. Controlling
3. Rejecting
4. Chaotic
5. Abusive

Some families are a bit of everything!

She gave scenarios for each, and wrote how the couples coped with the individual situations. Some scenarios were so awful that the young couple moved a long way away and broke off contact entirely.

I hope it goes well. Good luck. ?

You're not alone. I've been married twice and both times I had MILs that disliked me even though I gave them no reason to. They criticized everything I did. One if them even said I didn't need a pram I could carry the baby everywhere instead of spending her son's money! Both MILs died of cancer in their mid 60s (my age now!). My life was easier then but it's sad they died before enjoying their grandchildren.

You poor love - sounds like whatever you do is never going to be good enough - I would give up trying - such a shame. She sounds like a right nightmare.

I once went on a customer care course and the trainer talked about not getting on with his inlaws especially his mother in law. He said that life was too short to be put in situations that you are not happy with - so he spoke to his wife and they both agreed that visits to the inlaws would be minus him - he said once everyone accepted that things were a lot better.

Perhaps you should speak to your husband about how you really feel, he surely should see for himself what is happening and how unhappy you are - explain to him that you will back out of visiting them until such times that she accepts you for who you are and not what she wants you to be. (if there is ever a person that could be acceptable to her)

Good luck

And will it be picked up by the Daily Mail and turned into a piece on "Grandparents are bad for children" ?

Is this post for real?

Looks as if you need some rules.

1. Never speak to her on the phone.
2. Never be with her when oh not here.
3. Only one visitor at a time.
4. Re baby get a mantra - suggest "My baby, my rules" mean it, never say anything more or anything less and repeat as often as necessary when stopping her doing something you are not happy with. Stick to it and it will work.Good luck!

Seriously- MOVE. Preferably immigrate. I very much doubt your DH's family will ever treat you properly so cut your losses & your ties. If your DH cannot get his family to treat you with respect then you have years of heartbreak ahead.
It's just not worth it. Your child will notice the atmosphere when older & it is not fair on any of you.
I just do not understand it- I loved my Mil & I love both my DiLs & would never dream of undermining them-which is probably why I get to see so much of my DGC- it's a win/win situation.
Very best of luck to you. I really feel for you.

What a nasty mother in law. I would tell her you don't wish to see her again unless she changes her ways. I got very angry just reading this.

Wow, your MIL really is special and not in a good way :-( You have been through some awful times with OH family and at a time when you are perhaps a little more vulnerable than you were before DD's birth.You will be stronger as you recover from all that is involved in being a new mum.

That said, I think both you and OH could do with a clearer view of the situation. It seems to me that you OH is still trying to take care everyone. That's not possible. understandable but not possible.

I was in a similar situation but thankfully due to 200+ miles it wasn't as bad as your situation.

I ended up pointing out to DH that MIL was a Grown Up clearly able to Take Care of herself and seemed happy to De-Stabilised out relationship.

It took some time for him to see MIL was Happiest when put His Vulnerable BABY at risk as a means of getting the two of us to fall out.

I had to make it clear that as the Grown Ups in our Baby's life it was our job to take care of DD and that we had to see through all the Drama MIL liked creating.

It was hard work not to get upset and angry when having these talks but one of the things I realised was that DH had torn loyalties.

Reasonably - he was still thinking he had to "Look after" his Mum's emotions and to keep is families "Good Opinion" of him.

I remember saying that's all well and good and as grown-up kids we feel those things. But ... Our DD (under 6 months at the time) was Not able to keep herself safe in any way - physically, emotionally and psychologically - that was Our Job.

Once he started to understand his feelings of being torn things got a little easier.

Then understanding that MIL could Choose how she behaved and she did Choose to behave badly and in a way that wasn't good for our relationship or our baby. And understanding that our baby was way too young to Choose how to behave, DD wasn't capable of setting up situations that would end in a damage the way MIL did. That understanding really helped. No Blame, no name calling, just helping him see what was really happening, how wrong it was helped.

The he started to understand it was up to him to Choose who he really wanted to look after MIL or DD.

After he got it we had to find a way for us to stay protected from MIL's games and keep DD safe from the damage those Games caused.

I wish you well, you clearly care about taking care of DD, OH and yourself in this Toxic situation. Well done for that. If you need help and support there are some wise and caring folks on here.

My DD is now 35 and DH and I are still together so we made it work. There is hope.

Be clear - your situation is Toxic - your MIL is playing nasty emotional and psychological games and you, DD and OH need your protection. Stay strong and well done for reaching out for help.

Please do not allow this vile woman to ruin your life. She is clearly illogical, totally unreasonable and down right horrible. Do not allow her to taint your little families lifes, move if necessary and put as much mental and physical distance between you as possible. Why put yourself thro it, if it’s so bad that you need help with anxiety and coping strategies. She does not deserve to have contact with you after showing such disrespect and open hostility. As your baby gets older she will pick up on that dreadful atmosphere and remember it’s your duty to protect your child and not allow the poison to spread. Please disown her ASAP and be happy, life is far too short to tolerate this depth of disgusting behaviour.

Life is to short to put up with that rubbish. You have no obligation to have these horrid people in your life. Cut them out immediately, and the relief will be immense

you will probably have to accept the kisses and lipstick!
I would have to take issue with that - kissing babies on the lips is not acceptable as babies have died from contracting the herpes virus.

Interesting point about the different culture starbird - that could be a possibility.

Reading between the lines is a very tricky thing to get right. it certainly is FarNorth

Show this to your husband and tell you are so desperate about the situation that you wrote to Gransnet. He needs to have a serious talk with them showing them that the rules regarding the baby are ones set by you both. They must also understand that they are Grandparents and they have a different roll to the parents.
Just a note to you, after the birth of a baby these sort of issues seem worse to you, so make sure you go back to the things that have happened with them to see if you are viewing it correctly. I actually thought my mother in law got dinner ready on purpose as to when my daughter woke up, so that she could look after her while we were eating and it was utter nonsense. I adored my mother in law.

Yogagirl said "I do not believe for one second that an adult relative that would love this baby, would allow a small child, cousin, to hold a new born baby & run round the house with it! "

Maybe we should all preface our posts by writing "IF what you say is true, then...."?

Reading between the lines is a very tricky thing to get right.

Apologies I admit to not having read all previous posts so what I say may have been said.
I am wondering if your in laws are from a different culture. Whether or not that is the case I think one thing you can be thankful for is that your DH is on your side. It must be very hard for him being pulled in two directions.
I would cut the visits to one a week. Never let the baby go without you. Try to move when your mother does. Learn to be impervious to their hatred of you - it is not personal, it sounds as though your DH married outside of their circle and you make them feel inferior. Be strong, seek advice from people you respect but in the end trust what you feel is right. You sound very sensible. It would be normal for you to be over protective of your first baby but the incidents you quote are not acceptable, except that unless they have a definite illness, you will probably have to accept the kisses and lipstick! Babies seem to survive growing up with dogs licking their faces which is hardly hygeinic. Does anyone else in their family have a baby or is yours the first grandchild? If not the first you can maybe get tips from the other mothers.
It will get better as your DD gets bigger and less likely to be physically harmed. Then you will have to find a strategy against the verbal abuse but hopefully you will have moved by then. One day at a time.