moving to be near grandchildren not easy, help!

I think the op lives on the West Coast of Canada and family are on the East Coast of Canada. Some journey as I have done it a few times.

If anyone is being selfish it's you. Other people have probably thought it but are to polite to say!
You don't need to be with yoyr GC ALL the time Your Daughter & SIL need to make their own lives and arrangements for childcare etc and you and your DH visit TOGETHER for holidays
It's what the rest of us do (& we have money to do what you're proposing. You're taking advantage of your husband's lovely kind nature. If you go ahead and do this don't be surprised if it ends badly

I would go and try it out. Things worked well for five months so you have given it a trial run. If you rent an apartment and things dont work out then you can return home. Who knows how you will all feel with a bit more permanent arrangement. My husband works in an international organisation and its really quite common, particularly amongst younger couples, for them to live in different countries due to the demands of the job. The ones we know best live in the Netherlands and Italy respectively and jointly own a cat which spends half its year in each place. They have been together for twelve years and living their current lifestyle for five.

What would you do if this arrangement didn't work out? Maybe by then your husband wouldn't want you to move back home. After all you are leaving him in favour of your dd and her family. This may work out, but I don't think I would want to risk it.

I can’t take the intransigence
He has offered a compromise, who is being intransigent?

I am in a similar position and my parents were to. I am an only daughter and my husband was transferred to Singapore our 3rd child was born there.
Living away from my parents did me the world of good we had to make decisions without them there. Eventually we moved back to our home town and my parents were 10years older. They had a close relationship to our children because they spent most of their summer holidays with them.
I think moving across the country is a mistake both for your daughter and her children. Visit them for important holidays whilst they are young like Christmas Easter etc. But as they get older say 6-8:have them with you for the summer holidays. Our children loved it... fishing playing golf making caramel toffees lots of fun that I couldn’t do as I worked as my husband did. It’s not right now but 10years ahead that counts.

My position is that my 2nd daughter lives 1000 miles away. I go up when she is about to give birth and she needs me. She now has 3 children my husband comes but usually helps our sil around their farm,
However, like my parents we look after the children where we are in the city when they need a break or summer holidays. It’s loads of fun for us and our gc, We are very happy when they go home to it’s exhausting...

I think you are being very unfair to your husband. We have children, bring them up and let them to live their own lives. You are not doing this, why would you you want to be with your daughter full time, don’t they want a life of their own? Have you no other interests other than your daughter and gc? Sorry but I find it very odd.

If you spend 3 months away and the rest at your normal home you will find it difficult to have regular friends at either place. You would end up being an outsider in both places. Also your DD and SiL may be happy to have help now but may not need or want it later on. You may be holding them back if you move nearby, they may feel they can't move because of you. Why not use the money to visit often for, say, 2 or 3 weeks at a time.

I think you really, really to know if your AC will be happy with you spending most of your time with them before you go further down this road.

If they turn round after your move and say "We want to see less of you, go home mum", you will have done a lot of damage to your relationship with them as well as whatever strain the new living arrangement will put on your marriage.

You need everyone involved to be really honest with you before you make any decisions.

"I can't take the intransigence"
<raises eyebrows and looks over glasses>
Sorry, but I don't think I've seen a better example of the pot calling the kettle black. You want to uproot your entire lives and he's offered a compromise.

Step back from this for a minute. Why do YOU want to do this? Do you have so little life where you are now, to throw it away and live through your daughter and granddaughter? What if their jobs take them elsewhere, will you insist on selling up and following them again? Does your daughter get any say in this; since you're effectively making her responsible for where you live, will she feel obliged to have you breathing down her neck all the time?

Frankly you sound a bit obsessive, wanting to never be away from them. They have their own lives. As does your husband. And you sound as if you feel you can tell them all to do what suits you.

Step back. Breathe. Get a grip.

My answer to your question is that you are a very fortunate lady to have such a gem of a husband.
In time you will and sorry to be blunt, where your grandchildren are concerned although they will love you just as much, be superfluous to requirements. It happens. What then?How many times will DH dance to your tune?
You have been offered a compromise take it or leave it.

Some men are vey firm in their belief that after working lives are over they should decide where they settle, wives don't seem to have a choice .Most women have for their entire married life ,moved areas ,away from all family and friends , travelled to new countries and taken odd employment to fit in with Child care when their husband changed jobs.
I asked my husband once to consider moving for health reasons , and in extremely colourful terms I was told to go if I wished, but he was staying in our house . He was truly vile about it ,and he is usually amiable and easy going , the kindest of men. I'm still here , but he was so cold and cruel about it that I will NEVER forget . I took me a couple of years to trust he wasn't about to turn nasty again , and I'm still nervous when someone raises their voice .

My DH and I have a similar arrangement and it works really well. I am 72 and retired, he is 74 and has no intention of retiring as he loves what he does. My DS and DIL and two youngest DGC, and also one of my three DDs live a seven hour drive north from us, plus a ferry trip. We bought a holiday house near them, but I don’t like doing the journey often, so have settled into a routine where I stay at home Dec to May, then in my holiday house from May till November. DH does come for short visits when I’m there, if he can get someone to look after his business. My 6 months at home is the penance I have to pay for my 6 months of freedom!

I must be hard but....If my partner thought he could live 3 months without seeing me....he'd be the one moving...permanently out.I'd seriously be questioning his feelings fo me.

The point is that you have to take a plane to see your daughter. I think the distance is not the real problem, be it 1000 or 4000 km., you'll still have to plan, take that plane, enjoy your stay, come back home. Our daughter lives in London, we live near Brussels. Only a few hours with Eurostar, but still, no popping in for a cup of coffee. Our son in law's parents live in South Africa. They Skype a lot.... So, isn't it time to take that step, to let your daughter have her own life? She agreed to the move, so it's her choice. Just like you made your choices. And to be honest, maybe they're not exactly waiting for you to come and live with them on a day to dat base. I know my daughter would find that very unnatural.

How bizarre is this? Your husband should come first. Let your children and Grandchildren have their life - do they want you uprooting completely? Do they want you under their feet all the time? It’s unnatural not to let go. You can visit, this is what many other people do. I think you are being unfair to your husband and children. I’m in agreement with barmyoldbat and Shazmo24 on this one.

I have a similar problem , albeit much closer distances , my son has moved an hour away from us and he and his wife want us to move near them when we retire DH is 67 and I am 65, DH has never lived anywhere other than here and doesn’t want to go, but I moved 300 miles to marry him 46 years ago and after a traumatic experience recently I would like to start again with ourvfamily around us especially as if anything happens to me my husband will need help as he gets older as he is hopeless at cooking etc . But h refuses to discuss it

let the family get on with their own lives and you enjoy your life with your husband -

HFFF I haven't read any post yet. Your poor husband, it's a long way away Canada, he [& you] would have a total change of life, what about all your friends & relatives that live here in UK [if it is UK] I think you are asking too much of him, if he doesn't want to go, and I think he is being very generous with his compromise.

Your whole life will centre round your D & her family, if you do move there permanently, and this could lead to resentment after a while. Also what if they move after a few years, or even before that, as their job dictates it or they decide they don't like living in Canada after all, what than? I do know GP who have done what you want to do, only for their AC to move somewhere else and then the GP are left stranded in a foreign place, with no friends or relatives!

I love my DD,GD & s.i.l to bits, but I've already said to my DD, that if they ever moved overseas, I wouldn't follow. My profession wouldn't transfer, it's taking me more than 15yrs to build it up, I'd loose all my friends, my way of life, my country. So I totally sympathise with your husband in not wanting to go.

Don't be too ready to hitch yourself to your daughter and her family. I almost did that a few years ago, I missed my daughter and her children so much. My husband was wary of moving 1,000km and he was right. Just when I was making plans, looking at houses to rent, etc, she rang to say that her husband had a new job ...1,000km away in the other direction. It made realise that moving to be with her was a mistake - they have their own lives to live and that doesn't include having us around . Your husband is right - his compromise sounds fine to me. Don't be blinded by your maternal feelings for your daughter - she is a grown woman and shouldn't be needing her mother to be there permanently as an unpaid nanny.

Well it does sound like a compromise to me. This is going to be a difficult one , I think a year is too much to ask intially perhaps you should have suggested a month or two initially.

Maybe it's idea of the best scenario.

The OP might (and probably would) be thoroughly involved with their DD and DGD but what about her husband? She's asking him to leave his job, his friends and move 4,000 km so that she can spend time immersing herself with their DD's family. I think she has issues about letting go and I wouldn't blame her husband for having a little fun on the side as the OP seems determined to hang into the coat-tails of her daughter.
She's simply selfish.