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Grandparenting

moving to be near grandchildren not easy, help!

(51 Posts)
hopefulforfamily63 Thu 15-Mar-18 12:20:54

My daughter, son in law, and my only grandchild less than a year live 4000, km away in Canada. I spent the first five months of my grand-daughters life living as a nanny in their home and it worked well.

I now want my husband of 30 years, father of our daughter to move to the same city as our daughter. I am just retiring and he could do the same, he is 67 years. We could rent for a year and rent out our westcoast home. I am open to ideas...

Full stop. He won't retire, he won't move, he won't talk about this subject. His compromise is that I take an apartment in the kid's city and go back and forth from our westcoast home to the province of our kids.

While I had not imagined leaving my husband, I can't take the intransigence and feel I will take an apartment and see what happens. He says he will work and pay for it. He would like me away no more than 3 months at a time.
It all makes no sense. Don't grown adults work together, find a compromise, is this it? Your view?
What do you think of a husband who agrees his wife can live away for three months at a time, back and forth?

hopefulforfamily63 Thu 15-Mar-18 12:21:27

My daughter, son in law, and my only grandchild less than a year live 4000, km away in Canada. I spent the first five months of my grand-daughters life living as a nanny in their home and it worked well.

I now want my husband of 30 years, father of our daughter to move to the same city as our daughter. I am just retiring and he could do the same, he is 67 years. We could rent for a year and rent out our westcoast home. I am open to ideas...

Full stop. He won't retire, he won't move, he won't talk about this subject. His compromise is that I take an apartment in the kid's city and go back and forth from our westcoast home to the province of our kids.

While I had not imagined leaving my husband, I can't take the intransigence and feel I will take an apartment and see what happens. He says he will work and pay for it. He would like me away no more than 3 months at a time.
It all makes no sense. Don't grown adults work together, find a compromise, is this it? Your view?
What do you think of a husband who agrees his wife can live away for three months at a time, back and forth?

silverlining48 Thu 15-Mar-18 14:20:49

Your husband clearly does not want to move so If you can afford another home near to your daughter and family then living there for a few months and returning to your husband it’s a compromise of a sort. Not ideal but Maybe the best in the circumstances. Or rent first to see how things work out. Or just visit and stay with her as many grans have to do if their children are in a different country. Its hard I know, my daughter has been abroad for over 10 years. Hope it works out for you.

Bibbity Thu 15-Mar-18 14:25:06

Have you looked into if you could afford to move? Health insurance etc

This is not something that can really be compromised on.
You're not asking him to move up the road! This will be a completely different life.
If my husband asked me to do that I would flat out say no.
Losing friends, family, home comforts, the weather!, the cost of living!

SueDonim Thu 15-Mar-18 15:02:58

I think if you have the financial means to do this, it's a perfect compromise.

If you mean you currently live on the West Coast as in California, I don't blame your dh for not wanting to move, tbh! My son has recently moved from Ca and he misses the weather.

wildswan16 Thu 15-Mar-18 15:51:50

You asked "don't grown adults work together to find a compromise".

You have already spent 5 months away from him because you wanted to be with your GC. Was he happy about that? You now want to move permanently to the other side of the country but he does not. Many men aren't ready to retire at 67, maybe this is something he dreads doing - how would he spend his time if you both moved? Are your daugher and SIL likely to move in the future and would you want to follow them again?

He has offered a compromise of three month visits, what compromises have you made and discussed with him?

Oopsadaisy12 Thu 15-Mar-18 16:34:26

I’m with Wildswan, he has compromised and offered to pay for an apartment for you.
TBH I wouldn’t hitch my wagon to my DD and family in case they moved again, plus it’s healthier to have your own life, surely? with your DH.

Oopsadaisy12 Thu 15-Mar-18 16:37:21

PS. Am I wrong in thinking that you want your daughter to going to employ you as their Nanny? If so that’s a whole different story and I’m with your husband on this one. Does your daughter want you to live with them?or be with them every day?

Oopsadaisy12 Thu 15-Mar-18 16:38:04

Sorry don’t know where the extra going to came from. Ignore it please.

Scribbles Thu 15-Mar-18 16:43:34

Your husband's suggestion is a compromise. If that doesn't suit you, then you'll have to decide which matters most to you - being near to your child and grandchild or your marriage.

Cherrytree59 Thu 15-Mar-18 17:05:46

This compromise has happened in my extended family.

The Grandmother retired and wished to move to different State in the U.S to be close to her grandchildren,
The grandfather wanted to continue working in the job that he had doing since leaving school.
The move also meant moving to a much colder State in the winter.
This was a no no for him.

So the net result was that Grandma moved closer to her grandchildren and until Grandad finally decides to retire he is staying put.

They are still very much a couple,
Enjoying family time together at Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter etc.

As a couple last autumn they toured the UK and looked very happy in each others company, enjoying quality time together.

So it is possible for some couples.
But the bottom line is - it needs to be a joint decision.

Good luck 🍀

M0nica Thu 15-Mar-18 17:07:07

Don't you think you are being even more intransigent than your husband? You know what you want, isn't he entitled to know what he wants, and its different. He has suggested a compromise, you haven't. If you are not happy with his compromise, offer your own. Talk about it and see if you can negotiate a solution that can work for both of you.

The key words are TALK, DISCUSS, NEGOTIATE.

Apricity Thu 15-Mar-18 17:39:52

I agree with other Grans views that your husband has offered a pretty good compromise solution. He's prepared to pay for an apartment near your daughter and her family for you to come and go while he continues to work. That seems pretty reasonable to me.

Compromise doesn't mean the other person does what you want; it means you find a solution somewhere in the middle and that's what your husband has offered.

And I do understand the pain of distant grandchildren as two of mine live approx 30 hours flying time away. It doesn't get any easier as both you and the the grandchildren get older but it is what it is.

gummybears Fri 16-Mar-18 09:02:13

What do your daughter and son in law think about this?

Apricity Fri 16-Mar-18 09:20:19

Good question gummybears.

Esspee Fri 16-Mar-18 09:33:23

Looks to me that your husband is the one doing the compromiseing here. Presumably you have an established life where you currently live. (Is that Canada or the U.S.?) Why should you expect your husband to give up his job and your established life in your hometown to move nearer your grandchild? You daughter and son-in-law might easily move elsewhere at any time and where would that leave you?
This site is British as far as I am aware (lots of lovely members from all over the world) so many of the replies are based on British attitudes. Are you by any chance from an ethnic minority where grandmothers giving up their life to become an unpaid nanny is the norm.?
I think your husband is certainly trying to meet you halfway. Time to follow his wise example.

luluaugust Fri 16-Mar-18 09:54:21

I think you need to be very careful, maybe he didn't miss you as much as you might think, he is offering compromise what more can he do at present with work etc. Are you sure your daughter wants you there all the time grans are different to paid nannies and lots of us don't live near our beloved grandchildren.

Daisy131 Fri 16-Mar-18 10:04:11

I agree with luluaugust, be very careful. My husband suggested a something similar, we lived apart with him commuting weekly for a few years - which turned out to be the perfect arrangement for him to conduct an affair in the week, then seeing me at the weekends - definitely having his cake and eating it! Hopefully there’s nothing like this on the horizon for you, but please do be very careful and consider everything before committing.

Coconut Fri 16-Mar-18 10:04:13

If he did exactly what you wanted, he would be unhappy and your relationship would suffer anyway. He has offered you a compromise so try it, you have nothing to lose. It maybe that your resentment toward him grows, but at least give it a try or ....Absence makes the heart grow fonder etc and it maybe that you miss him so much it makes your decision easier. Good luck 💐

Silverlining47 Fri 16-Mar-18 10:14:59

I think your husband is offering a very good compromise. We can get very stuck in our views of what a marriage 'should' be. Some couples are wonderfully happy being together all the time, others flourish by having time apart.
Undoubtedly your relationship with your husband will be redefined by the new circumstances but not necessarily for the worse.

Willow500 Fri 16-Mar-18 10:28:13

Sounds a great solution if you can afford the second home and would also mean other relatives or friends could use it when you're in your first home.

Tessa101 Fri 16-Mar-18 10:31:04

Am I right in assuming you don’t live in the Uk as you say “ move to same city” not same country.

Cambia Fri 16-Mar-18 10:33:56

Depends how much you want to be with your husband really doesn’t it? It’s a big ask to ask him to completely change his life and move to another country. Perhaps he was looking forward to spending more time with you rather than with family as you get older and he works less. Quite dangerous leaving him for threee months at a time. He may get to like it and you may not like Canada! We have a son there but no grandchildren yet but I would not leave my husband for months at a time, rather just go to visit often.

Cold Fri 16-Mar-18 10:36:22

It sounds like your husband has already come up with a compromise - but at the end of the day he doesn't want to move full time.

Have you actually looked at the legalities of whether you would be able to move to Canada full time? Do you meet the residence permit/visa conditions? What sort of visa would you apply for and how long would it take to be approved? (some residence visas take years for approval) What sort of health insurance would you need? Moving to a country is very different to taking a holiday.

radicalnan Fri 16-Mar-18 10:37:29

He has offered a compromise. If you don't like that and you can't come up with a way to be in two places at once, what is left?

You have to make the choice whether your marriage is important to you or not. Your children may decide to move on later, where will that leave you then? Or when the GC goes to school and your nanny services are not needed so much.

We see a lot of people on here, who are not needed as often as they were, or not well enough to be involved as much in child care any longer. You have to make a decision that will last forever, if you uproot your husband and force him to move.

Sounds to me as if he is happy where he is and has made you an excellent offer.