Fair shares

Your family haven't said anything. I presume they understand your situation and that you are doing everything you can to help and are grateful So the guilt is that you, like the rest of us are not superwomen.

I feel guilty that I can't help with my grandsons's care as I live in another country because of a warmer climate which is much better for my husbands health. I can't expect my husband to have a poorer quality of life because I want to live in the UK to help with my grandson. I help when I can.

So if we are doing the best we can then we must stop feeling guilty. I never had any family to help with my daughters care and managed and enjoyed being a mum.

Thank you Minerva for a reasoned, calm and reassuring response

A wise friend once said "The minute we know we're pregnant, we're handed two big boxes, one labelled 'worry' and the other labelled 'guilt' and we carry them around for the rest of our lives".
It's the way it is. Maybe we should be glad we were given enough love that we are able to give it to our children and grandchildren. Guilt comes with the territory and there's no right and wrong.

I don’t understand what it could possibly have to do with vanity?. We do our best bringing up our children not to let any of them feel that one of their siblings is the favoured child and that doesn’t go away when they grow up. Using the word ‘guilty’ doesn’t imply that we have intentionally done something wrong. We use the word in a much more general way, guilty breaking a diet, not visiting a sick friend, blaming the wrong child for a misdeed, being snappy when dealing with PMT, and certainly helping out one adult child rather than another. I am lucky that my DC understand that their siblings have very different needs and I do my best to help them in whatever way they need but I still feel bad that I cannot treat them all equally.
I had an accident, after which I was unable to walk unaided for a year, four days before I was due to start caring for one of my GCs, then a 12 month old baby. They had just four days to find alternative help and didn’t blame me in any way as far as I know, but I felt terribly guilty about all the trouble and worry I put everyone to.
Maw I believe it is generally the mother’s lot to feel as we do. Those that don’t simply don’t and lucky them - we are all different.

Yes, I feel guilty if I have to say no. I can accommodate them all at my house but as one of my dc’s lives further away I sometimes have to go there to stay. If the other needs me I feel terrible saying no. Easy said , but try not to beat yourself up over it, Ma

I sometimes feel 'awkward' as opposed to guilty if I can't help out. So awkward that sometimes I'll change my own plans to fit in and do after school care because it suits the parents. Perhaps they should feel guilty/awkward for moving the goalposts. In an emergency I'm sure all of us would be there for our family, friends etc.

I often literally LOL remembering the one occasion that my mum agreed to babysit.
First night out since the the twins were born. About 10 months old. Rang my mum to check everything was fine. NO come home, they're awake blah blah. So home by 9.30 whilst husband stayed at the party!
I honestly wasn't cross with my mum. She wanted to be at home, probably tired and couldn't cope. I understood that and never asked again. My mum didn't feel guilty and I think she was right to make it clear if she didn't want to do something. She was a wonderful adored Grandma!!!

Perhaps not a “slight” or “insult” Heather51 but a put down nevertheless. Sometimes just one put down can be one too many.

Take your point lizzy (I am sure it is kindly meant) and the family do know about my other regular commitments, but it is not always a case of conflicting child care and I don’t quite feel I need to share the entire contents of my diary or calendar with them all of the time. Somehow that seems a bit “poor old dear” - I am still an independent person in my own right! Bottom line is I think, being able to say No without guilt. I know I am not Supergran (but perhaps I would like to be )

My daughter quite often requires me to babysit 2year old at short notice and then I have to cancel my own social arrangements
.
I don’t always want to do this, but if I say no I feel extremely guilty. It’s so silll. We shouldn’t be made to feel like this and unless we have hard hearts, I’m afraid nothing much will change.

What has happened to GN - it seems that a lot of posters are looking for slights and insults needlessly. IMHO I didn’t take Monica’s comments as a dig at Maw just a rather curtly expressed opinion. This is not a dig at Maw either, it’s an observation that GN no longer seems to be the discussion forum it once was, where posters could banter back and forth without all the general petty nastiness. What a sad turn of events . Do others miss the old GN?

Hmm ?
I never feel guilty about decisions I make and find it easy to say a polite version of 'no' without feeling obliged to give a reason.
My AC live too far away for me to babysit in the evenings or aftercm school and anyway, my youngest grandchildren are in their middle teens and GGC have parents who can afford for mum to be a homemaker.
I thoroughly enjoy the times we spend together but they don't trespass on my time nor that of the other GPs.

Don't worry about feeling guilt, it's just a sign you have a good active conscience and moral tone. Although it's an uncomfortable feeling, and often kicks in when it's not strictly due, it's the glue that holds our society together and keeps us progressing as a human species.

Why not just share your babysitting arrangements with both daughter's as soon as they're made, Maw? If both daughters know in advance that you're babysitting for one of them on a particular date, the other one won't ask. Then you won't feel guilty about disappointing either of them.

Guilt in those circumstances is just vanity

Vanity? I give up

To be fair, my DDs have always taken the point of view “my children, my problem” especially when Paw’s health issues made things difficult or impossible and I have friends who do much, much more than I. DD1 has a nanny for her working days and DD2 combines nursery and SIL to cover her “normal” working days, so there is no regular commitment. It is the occasional request where I would just love to be able to say Yes every time as the early childhood years are so soon over.

I felt exactly the same as you Maw (and about entering the lion’s den!) but I told DS how I felt - he lives five hours drive away so we physically can’t be as involved, but that made no difference to how I felt - and he told me not to be silly! DDiL said the same. You’ve had so much on your plate recently that I’m surprised you have enough energy for just breathing in and out. Please don’t worry about this (if possible!) just enjoy GC when you can. And maybe tell AC how you’re feeling?

I wonder why we feel so guilty over having our DGC. We seem to be programmed to do a lot of child care. The problems start when the "helping relatives" only goes one way. How often are GPs (grandparents) babysitting but not otherwise communicated with or visited. Will the DCs be as attentive when we are old or otherwise in need of help however temporarily? I have known a lady of my DPs generation who was babysitting 3 DGC for years but when she became permanently ill she was shipped off to a nursing home.
I was expected to babysit about 30 hours a week but I could not be accompanied to a hospital appointment which involved treatment after which driving is not advised. It was not during DC's working hours. When I stated my unhappiness over this I got a load of verbal abuse by text so proof is there.
It has to be a two way street.

I think I feel disappointment more than guilt. I'd love to be able to do it all, we aren't asked very often for our Littlest as other family are closer geographically and there are a lot of them. Because of their family situation we are asked to help regularly with older grandchildren. Should a request come for Littlest and we are booked already the disappointment is huge.

Guilt in those circumstances is just vanity

Well thanks a bunch for another “let’s have a go at Maw, M0nica “
So it is vain to want to treat one’s children even handedly?
To give help when it is needed but trying not to prioritise one child over another?
Did you (or anybody else) not try to buy similar value presents when your children when they were young?
I am heartily sick of the spiky, aggressive and condemnatory tone of some of the responses on GN these days - not just this one to me, but it’s like entering a lions’ den sometimes.

no guilt here ,I just take them all ,15 down to 7 .We're lucky to have enough spare rooms so the girls can have their own space on the days they dont get on.Not a common occurence now but they used to argue when they were smaller and GS 15 has his own room here .

I had a similar thing recently. I had looked after DD's dog for a weekend and when she got back she asked if I would keep him til after the following weekend as they were away again. Meanwhile my DS, DiL
, DGD and cats had asked if they could come to stay and had arranged the second weekend as they didn't want to come with the dog. I told my daughter she had put me in a very difficult position but I had promised my son so told her I would bring the dog back after the first weekend. I did get the muttering 'you always loved my brother more than me' and I did feel incredibly guilty but as it happened it all worked out well and my DD has found a lovely lady who is willing to look after dog (for a fee) and has now realised that I am not the only person to call on!

Why guilt? Guilt is absolutely pointless unless your actions are deliberate and designed to cause a problem.

Life is like that, we can't be in two places at once, or do more than we are capable of, or finance things beyond our means.

There are lots of other things you can feel, frustrated by circumstances or limitations or disappoited at lack of energy or resources....but guilt?? Save guilt for the stuff you could have avoided.

A friend of mine once told me that all Mums/Grans have a 'guilt gland'. Mine kicked in when I was a working mum and felt pangs of guilt about not being there for the kids 24/7. Now they're grown up they don't feel they missed out at all by my absences and that the benefits of extra income outweighed any feelings of maternal deprivation! We are very hard on ourselves sometimes!

I have only one grandchild - DD’s child - and I can’t remember a time when we have said no to childcare requests, but she has always been at pains to stress that we mustn’t feel we can’t say no and we have never felt taken for granted. Thus far, it has never interfered with anything we have wanted to do for ourselves. He is growing up fast and soon enough he won’t need us to be there for him after school, so we are making hay while the sun shines. DS has no children of his own and his stepsons are now young adults. He used to have something of a jaundiced view of the amount of childcare we provide for GS, but I did offer to look after his boys when they were younger on an occasion when they were stuck for childcare, but they made other arrangements. It was early in their relationship with us, so probably understandable, but we’ve always been prepared to step up to the plate for them as well as for GS.

That was a bit harsh MOnica
I agree morethan we were programmed for guilt. We feel guilty sitting down to take a break, guilty if we don't help our children or relatives, it is definitely a woman thing. I have learned to say no but its hard.