Overwhelmed

No doubt that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) is a debilitation condition, but there is much debate about its true nature. Your daughter's depression could be the real culprit here, playing a major role.

Depression (in and of itself) can cause a variety of symptoms (sadness, excessive sleeping, irritability and tiredness, lack of motivation, negativity etc.). Has your daughter gotten any professional help for her depression? She could benefit from that above everything else.

I really can't add much more, other than reiterating the fact that you seem to be giving up far more than you're receiving!

Like some of us here have already said....think about how YOU want the rest of your life to be, then find a way to make that happen. Where to start? Take care of your own health first and learn to say 'no' more often. You need to start making choices that work for you, not everyone else!

No doubt that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) is a debilitation condition, but there is much debate about its true nature. Your daughter's depression could be the real culprit here, playing a major role.

Depression (in and of itself) can cause a variety of symptoms (sadness, excessive sleeping, irritability and tiredness, lack of motivation, negativity etc.). Has your daughter gotten any professional help for her depression? She could benefit from that above everything else.

I really can't add much more, other than reiterating the fact that you seem to be giving up far more than you're receiving!

Like some of us here have already said....think about how YOU want the rest of your life to be, then find a way to make that happen. Where to start? Take care of your own health first and learn to say 'no' more often. You need to start making choices that work for you, not everyone else!

I had to read your post twice to take it all in. Tons of excellent advise already given. One thing that I would like to mention that I don’t think anyone has replied about as yet. The fact your sil was stressed and stayed in a hotel for the night and is spending a lot of time messaging a “friend” from work please keep an eye out with this situation because my family have had similiar issue where a male member couldn’t cope with issues in the family unit and turned to another for distraction and support and grew a lot closer to said person than he should of done. Your sil should be supporting your dd not running to others because that can result in more issues. As others have said decide where you are needed the most and offer small rest bites of help. Then spend a few days for you. Wish you well.

Do not feel guilty! You are trying to help too many people...except yourself.

Your life is important too, and you must start thinking about it. You will be no good to anyone at this rate.

If you want to move back to Cornwall, then you must. Do it before time runs out.

There are professionals to help your family, and they should make use of them.

I agree with Icanhandthemback. I know it’s hard to find the right balance between taking care of yourself and helping your daughter by taking care of the kids. If you withdrew support and then her husband left, it would be very hard on those children. Perhaps try to look after yourself more, and to get other help for your daughter.

Has she tried Dr Myhill’s suggestions? I have had ME/CFS, and they helped me.
www.drmyhill.co.uk/wiki/CFS_Checklist_-_start_off_and_check_your_treatment_regime_here

There are other pages on CFS on her website. She has also written a book about it.
www.drmyhill.co.uk/wiki/CFS_-_my_book_%22Diagnosis_and_Treatment_of_Chronic_Fatigue_Syndrome%22

All the best.

keffie What a fantastic reply! So helpful! I do hope you are on the "up" and that the other health problems are in decline. I can definitely identify with you in many things you said. (I mentioned some of mine in a previous reply). Your reply is helpful to me, so I am sure the OP will find it helpful. Take life gently and look after yourself, you kind lady

vwaves sorry to hear of your difficulties as a carer. CFS is very difficult to care for and live with, as there is no treatment available on the NHS for it.

Have you thought of accessing a carers support group or carers centre in Warrington? You will get support and maybe ideas about what council support might be available for your daughter?

Also, a small friendly town like Hebden Bridge sounds like it might be somewhere you might consider visiting? It has cultural, artistic and many walks. Its not too far from Warrington.

It sounds like you need support as a carer from Carers UK and that all around you need to accept they need to be assessed for or pay for carer help, even if only alternate days or 2-3 days at 2 hours maybe.

Your DD and SIL might ease up on your DGS if there was more help around. If nothing works for them with DGS, it may be an approach to Children's Services for support might be in order.

Good luck - priority is, support for you with other carers.

I do hope writing it all down has helped you. It is very difficult and emotionally draining when you get pulled in so many directions. There are lovely places between Warrington and North Wales where you could move to and find what you are looking for, and be within an hours drive of both sets of grandchildren, and all the culture on offer in Chester. We are just over an hour away from our grandchild who us in this country and we see her regularly each week. Being near the motorway/good railway connections helps when you need to go south.

Only you can decide what is most important, life is too short to be unhappy and put upon. If your daughter is struggling with the children and her marriage, then she and her husband have to find their own solutions not use you to cover the cracks.

SussexGirl60 I just wanted to say I really like what you say and how you said it! We grannies have a tendency to try to be all things to all people and it doesn't work and definitely no-one says thank you!

At Grandmother time we have to put our needs first and use our resources to meet those needs. Then we are strong for our family.

vwaves I am with OldMeg She speaks wisely. Make sure the list is only what you want for yourself - happy home in the country etc.

There is so much here, I can quite easily see you becoming exhausted and ill. Do the list, as OldMeg says, putting 3 main things at the top. Then set about your action plan to achieve it as soon as is reasonable.
Remember - the list is of things you want. You cannot hold others lives in your hands. They have to be responsible, even your poor daughter with CFS. Her negativity no doubt is the depression which comes with CFS and she should go to her doctor and ask for help. I've got chronic pain and have been diagnosed with both M.E. and Fibromyalgia (separate from the pain which is related to damaged nerves). I live alone and have money worries. I have to cope on my own. Actually I prefer to. People trying to help just make impossible suggestions which are upsetting and I have to be polite and say thank you when I'm feeling upset! Your daughter and SIL must sort out their family. You can still visit when your life is exactly how you want it. Then you will be in a position of strength.
Please - do as wise OldMeg advises!

Oh wow, vwaves, there is a lot happening there. With a counselling head on, you need to look at all of your difficulties and decide which one to work on, first. Which one is the biggest problem, or which will be the easiest to sort out? In truth, you’re better off dealing with the big problem first, as that will not only be the best for you but it will also dwarf the other difficulties and help you put them into perspective. When life is full of happenings, time passes so quickly and then you find there’s nothing left for you (you know the ‘when I have time, I will …. ’ promise). So please sit yourself down in a quiet place (please find time to do that) and think of your way forward.

You might also be able to persuade your doctor to give you six counselling sessions, known as ‘solution-focused therapy’ and that’s exactly what I have described above.

Good luck.

*I’m with Telly on this one, none of these problems are yours! *

That all depends on how you view your role as a mother.

Most of us need a bolt hole but I would hesitate moving back to Cornwall as it appears you do not have family in that area which seems to be the main reason you moved from that county.
You state you do not have time to make friends as you are too busy then say you have 'actually made friends in Prestatyn How many friends do you need.? You have been on a cruise.? Ask yourself what is it you really want? Do not take offense but consider getting help to offload the negative thoughts going around in your mind. A recent chest infection is not helping matters
Until then do not make any big decisions you may later regret.

I agree that you’ve probably taken on too much-and you’re not alone there. It’s a time of life when we fancy that we can be all things to all people and I’ve come to the conclusion from my own experiences that it’s a delusion! No-one will thank you for it (or ayleast that’s what I’ve found) and at best we end up unhappy, and at worst, unwell. I would say, try to do what you want, even if it means moving house again, and only do what you comfortably and happily can, for others. You are equally as important as anyone else in your family.

Like others I felt exhausted reading your post and I guess you are, there are so many different problems here. First of all you need to remember why you felt you had to move from Cornwall in the first place, if you go back will you be able to settle again? If you move to a small village make sure you have the facilities you will need as time goes on. Your daughter I fear had an idea of family life which hasn't happened and has become ill. Small children are exhausting, mums can sometimes cope where dad can't. They must find clubs, groups etc that are going to help them bring up this damaged small boy, obviously you want to help but it is not your responsibility. Your DD needs to discuss everything with her GP and find help for herself and her son and you must be more honest about what you can do. You say you go to some groups and it does take time to make one to one friends so just try and enjoy the group. Check if there is a GN meet up near you. I hope you feel better soon.

Your daughter can get support from the post adoption team, especially if her son has issues from birth. They can arrange assessments and additional support.

I have family who live in Warrington and they love it, but they have always lived around that area, but it's certainly nothing like Cornwall.

Please Don't make yourself unhappy, that only leads to depression. They can visit, you can visit, but you need to be happy as well.

You have taken far too much on, and the more you give the more that will be expected of you.
If you have a breakdown who is there to look after you?
Those around you can barely fend for themselves so you would be just a burden.
Time for you to live your life for yourself. Back to Cornwall with its lovely surroundings and your circle of friends.
Those who rely on/sponge off you can always relocate.

Sorry, that was a mega long post! Pm me if you want, vwaves.

Paddyann, I am in agreement with you to a large extent but I think it is about getting the right balance. It seems to me that vwaves is having trouble fitting in everything she has to do and make friends so Warrington feels like home. My suggestion would be to define explicit times when you can help out with the children and do no more until you have your life balance to your liking. As for the husband, he has chosen to take on kids, having them at weekends is what parents do, that is not down to you. He might not have realised he was taking on a wife with CFS too but they need to sort out a way for them to have a bit of a break without you. I would suggest they look for a children's club or something at the weekend that they can take the children to so they can let off steam. For the little boy, in particular, he might enjoy cubs, football or hockey club or many other sports things that would burn off some steam. Even better, if his father could get involved so he could build up that bond which would make his son more responsive.
I have a daughter with EDS and CF is a major part of that, along with digestive issues, eye problems, etc, so I understand how obliged you feel when they can't cope. I more than empathise with the negativity and a reluctance to do what the professionals ask. However, we got Adult Social Services involved and she now gets a direct payment for help when her husband can't step in. Does your daughter get PIP? If she struggles and needs help this is another way of having the money to pay someone to help. My DD uses some of hers for her 6 year old to go to cake club once a week which is straight after school.
If you can get some regular time to yourself, you too might be able to find a club or group where you can start to make friends. You will need to make it an absolute time where you are not available to anyone else. The other thing which may be available for you is "Time to Talk" or even a "carers" group. The former would give you a chance to talk to someone about how to sort out your feelings about your relationships, life balance, mild depression, etc.
I think if you walk away without trying to make it work (and 18 months really isn't that long even if it feels it), you will feel guilty so you still won't be truly happy. The thing that shines through is how much that relationship with a difficult little boy who had such a terrible start in life, means to the both of you. It sounds like you are his salvation and although it isn't necessarily a responsibility you wanted, it is an honour too. I would suggest that his parents went to parenting classes (they'll come to the house if your dd is too fatigued to got them) so they can learn how to give the little chap the support he needs.

Oh dear!
I agree with some other GNers that reading your dilemma made me feel as if I'd run a marathon.
You are trying far too hard to be all things to all people but you MUST renember that you can't help others if you don't care for yourself in the first place.
My idea is that you write a list of things you want and need in your life, things that really matter such as a more rural environment with plenty of opportunities to make proper friendships.
For as long as you take the brunt of your daughter's negativity and make up the shortfall in caring for her children, it will continue because you are there. Your SiL must do more, after all, you have other GC and family AND YOURSELF to consider.
Write down the things you really don't want to continue doing and don't be afraid to put your foot down. YOU have a right to enjoyment instead of constantly thinking of picking up the slack in everyone elses life and fixing their problems.
Be kind to yourself because you sound as if you're heading for a meltdown.
I wish you luck and courage to do what is best for you as no-one else seems to give you any thought. If you carry on doing the same things you'll always get the same result.

Homesick is the word I would use....for your life in Cornwall....the beauty of it all... and everything that relates to it. When you take into it all the geography involved here...Warrington...Prestatyn...Sussex... it's exhausting just thinking about it all never mind the logistics involved of actually fitting it all in. I think you need to be really honest with yourself, ask yourself could you go back to Cornwall and live there again without too many problems. If you know deep down that the answer is yes, then make it happen and go back. You can,t live other people"s lives for them. Maybe sell your caravan in Prestatyn as well and have a complete rethink. I do have some sympathy for your daughter and her situation, but it is affecting your health too and that can"t go on indefinitely.

sorry to be at odds ladies but I could never walk away from my daughter when she was in such need of help.Children are ours until we die .Thats not to say you shouldn't help her manage her problems and make sure she gets all the medical help available but to me leaving a little one who has already had seperation issues is just plain cruel .Regardless of what relation you are to him he has grown to love you and depend on you and you seem to be fond of him so dont abandon him at this stage .Get your daughter back on her feet and then move if you must ..or get them to move with you so you can still be of use and have your friends around you .

Hello Ywaves, you have already been offered lots of good advice from others for your very complex situation and I can only add a few extra comments. You asked if anyone had been able to say no. I have started saying no in recent years without feeling bad about it. I started looking after the first of my gc when i was in my 60's but noticed it was getting harder. I started making comments to all my children that we had a good day but I was absolutely exhausted and was going to go to bed early/ was waking up tired/ my back was painful etc When discussions took place over care for the most recent gc I offered 1 day explaining that as the years had passed I could not cope with more.They were pre prepared and found other care. I now have just one child for 1 day because I want to. I have realised that the things that make me happy are : social interaction ((U3A groups, walking groups, single traveller holidays) : being outdoors in the countryside or my garden: being able to see my children and gc regularly for just an hour or two: the feeling of freedom and that I dont have to do anything if I dont want to. Sit down undisturbed in a quiet countryside spot and give some thought to what makes you happy. You have done your duty in bringing up your own family and now it is time to think of your own health and happiness. If you become ill you will be of no help to anyone.

Go back to Cornwall ! I have friends in Birmingham with family in Newquay and they fly from Brum to Newquay which is far less stressful than driving. Find out if there is a similar service to Manchester or Liverpool. If you need a car you could hire one for your stay. Hope this is helpful.

VWaves do you ask yourself why you have a chest infection? If you became really ill you wouldn't be able to do anything for anybody. So now is the time to be more selfish. I do hope you feel better very soon