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Grandparenting

lack of seeing my grandchildren

(36 Posts)
moggie57 Mon 30-Apr-18 11:26:28

i have two grandchildren boy age 6 and girl age 4.every week they go to son in laws family thursday after school and sunday after church for lunch.my son in law died last sept heart problems age 37, bit upset for all. but even before he died there was set days for the grandchildren .thursday and sundays to in laws or as my daughter puts it her new mum,(very hurtful)..when do i see my grandchildren ,well i dont except half hour after church on sundays. i ask to go to tea there is always an excuse.or would they like to come to my home for an hour week days or weekend ,another excuse.. the only real time i get to see them is during summer holidays or other holidays on a tuesday if i'm lucky and they not doing something else. i think its so unfair that i never get to see them even for an hour after school. always an excuse.i havent been down my daughters home for 2 months now. always an excuse.she even asked why i want to see my granchildren told her straight that i never get to see them enough.son in laws family are very controlling and my daughter been brainwashed by them.i feel really left out.i never get invited to anywhere or a cup of tea round the in laws.its always them. i'm a single parent and nanny.. but i never get to see my grandchildren. i wave to my grandson through the school railings at lunch time.and thats it till i see them at church on sunday for half hour afterwards..please help ,i get so upset and not seeing my grandchildren. i know there has been a big upset with andrew dying i miss him a lot, but at least i was invited for tea/dinner /stories when he was here..feel so left out of things and get very emotional.. mothers day i made a noise. i asked mum in law why alice was spending mothers day round her house every year.she said she never really thought about it as alice is round her home every sunday. and i said well maybe she can come for tea then. after much thought from mil. alice and children came for an hour for tea on mothers day.i dont know what else to do. i have tried talking to my daughter and she says lets keep things as they have been. which kind of excludes me... am very unhappy, should i talk to a counsellor at church..?

Situpstraight Mon 30-Apr-18 11:38:19

So, you see them on a Sunday and some Tuesdays, and school holidays.

Your daughter takes them to her MILs twice a week, presumably because she lost her son,* your DD lost her husband* and yes, she’s probably a ‘bit upset’!

They probably sit and chat about the lost son/husband, it’s early days for heavens sake, give them some time.

Eglantine21 Mon 30-Apr-18 11:42:03

Maybe your daughter is gravitating to the person who gives her support, rather than the one who is adding to her stress and grief by making demands.

Just a thought, try seeing it all from her point of view.

Situpstraight Mon 30-Apr-18 11:47:18

* moggie* please be aware that this post is shared on Facebook and other social media. Just a thought, as you have included family names.
I also think that having a word with someone at your Church might help you get through this time. People don’t always react as we think they will when they lose a partner and I’m sure that that is part of your problem.

Situpstraight Mon 30-Apr-18 11:47:45

No bolds today then!

mumofmadboys Mon 30-Apr-18 11:57:59

I think when you wrote 'bit upset for all' you meant' big upset for all'
Your DD may feel closer to her DH by spending time with his mum.
Try and be patient. Could you invite them all for a meal including DD 's MIL?
Hope things improve.

paddyann Mon 30-Apr-18 12:03:22

Your DD is gravitating towards the only other person who really understands what her grief is like.I'm sure she and the GC still love you but they need to be with the other gran just now and she needs them.You need to put them first and step back until they work through this awful time .Dont put the emphasis on you ,you're not the top if the list in this situation .

moggie57 Mon 30-Apr-18 12:11:50

i didnt know this is shared on facebook. where does it say this.i dint say it could be shared,

moggie57 Mon 30-Apr-18 12:34:28

thats just it i/m never included in anything.am single nannie .. i keep busy by helping at charity shop. but just want my granchildren to come to tea sometimes.i did ask can i come to tea tuesday. gs has doctors/,weds then ,bathnight/. thurs mil day/ ,fri early night/. saturday mil/sunday mil. when i can i see gc , church on sunday she says...

moggie57 Mon 30-Apr-18 12:36:06

i have never had them at weekends or over night..strict routine for my gc.i know routine is good ,but maybe one afternoon a week come round for tea, or me to them for cup of tea and story time.

agnurse Mon 30-Apr-18 13:12:56

You're already seeing your grands weekly. That's more than many people get.

To be honest, when you complain about what someone else gets versus what you get, you sound similar to a spoiled child. How many times did your children say to you, "Why can't I have/do/whatever x? So-and-so gets to!" What was your response?

I am especially unimpressed by your behaviour on Mothers Day. DIL's MIL lost her son. This would be an especially difficult Mothers Day for her. I think it was sweet of DIL to spend time with her.

Please do not judge how much your grands love you by how much time they spend with you. Your grands cannot be your only reason for living. I suggest you find something else fulfilling to do so you don't dwell on what you're not getting.

BlueBelle Mon 30-Apr-18 13:52:38

Well this is a bit harsh as poster says she only sees the grandkids for half an hour on Sundays and if they all live in the same area it doesn’t seem very much and if course it’s hurtful if your daughter is calling her mother in law her new mother I d be mortified if that was said to me
It does sound as if your relationship with your daughter wasn’t too good before she got married as normally on losing a husband or partner a daughter would turn to her own mum for succour but she seems to have turned away Can you think of anything that has injured your relationship with her in the past?
If my grandkids lived near me but I only saw them half an hour a week I d be upset
I completely disagree with Agnurse about Mother’s Day of course it was a nice gesture to spend time with the in law but Maggie should have had a visit too, put yourself in that situation she is her Mum and sounds as if she’s brought her up single handed
Is this your only child Maggie ?

Situpstraight Mon 30-Apr-18 14:05:24

moggie this forum is shared on FB and Twitter, when you joined it will have told you. The permission is given by you when you join . If you look at this page the FB, Twitter ,Pinterest and You Tube icons are all over the place.

mumofmadboys Mon 30-Apr-18 14:13:23

If you are worried about remaining anonymous please ask GN to delete this thread. In future don't give names perhaps

agnurse Mon 30-Apr-18 15:28:29

Moggie says that she sees her grandchildren every Sunday for church and half an hour afterwards. On Mother's Day she did see them, therefore.

gummybears Wed 02-May-18 12:08:25

I am awful sorry for your family’s loss. What a hard blow for your daughter and her children to bear.

Was it your son in law who made efforts to include you; you said you have seen less of them, since his death?

Perhaps it would help you to talk to someone outside the situation. A bereavement can make relationships very difficult for a while. It might help to have someone to talk through your feelings with.

wildswan16 Wed 02-May-18 12:46:05

It's really good that your daughter is continuing to build a strong relationship with her late husband's parents. I am sure they were worried that they might lose touch with her and their GC after their son's death. The children will benefit from their continued involvement and support.

It is still very early days since she lost her husband and maybe his parents are helping her through it.

Norah Wed 02-May-18 16:37:30

You see gc weekly? Sorry, what is the problem?

BlueBelle Wed 02-May-18 16:43:41

Norah that’s harsh this lady sees her grand kids for half an hour a week with others presumable around ( if it’s a church setting) she’s alone in life and as they all live near she was hoping to see them perhaps for tea or a weekly visit I don’t think that she’s asking too much I d be mortified if I didn’t see my nearby grandkids, for at least one visit in a week

agnurse Thu 03-May-18 01:37:39

It's not the grandchildren's job to give her a reason to live or to stop her being lonely. Once a week is frankly a lot of time. MIL has just lost her son. Moreover I'm sure they are wanting to spend time as a family. On top of that, how much time they spend with MIL is none of OP's business.

BlueBelle Thu 03-May-18 05:30:28

Agnurse the poster is not saying she spends her life expecting her grandkids to be her entertainment she works and I m sure she has her own life but she is just expressing the fact that she would like to see them for one visit a week
She is not being like some other posters on here pestering demanding, calling round and expecting a lot I think your post is unfair and hard
Half an hour if she’s lucky after church is not a visit or qualitity time
I think the daughter must have bad feeling that pre dates the husband dying why else would she be so hurtful
Can you imagine your daughter not even visiting you on mother’s day if she’s nearby but preferring to be with her ‘new mum’ something wrong there

MawBroon Thu 03-May-18 06:17:48

While part of me is thinking What a considerate young woman to think of how her MIL must have been feeling on Mother’s Day, so soon after the death of her son, I also think it might have been a nice gesture for all three “mothers” to spend that day together.
It brings us back to asking what the role of Granny is on Mother’s Day? And I think we have to be prepared to take a step back.
But this sounds like a very rigid routine and TBH not a great relationship.

SpanielNanny Thu 03-May-18 10:26:51

I feel incredibly sorry for the sadness felt by the op. it’s a very sad situation for her, and in her situation I would feel equally upset.

However, i found your post very unsettling bluebell. I don’t think you’re understanding the all consuming grief of losing a spouse or partner at such a young age. The poor woman has lost everything, her husband, her children’s father and the future that she thought she was going to have. Her ‘hurtful’ behaviour sounds to me like a woman desperately trying to cling to the routine that she and her children had before they lost one of the most precious and important people in their lives.

I lost a partner, and for TWO years, I couldn’t bear anybody to be sitting in his chair once the clock turned 515, because that was when he was usually home. I asked people to move. Including my young son.
6 months after I’d lost my partner I got a call from my sons school. I was 30 minutes late picking him up, I’d got back into the bed that I shared with my partner, and had completely lost track of time. I have never felt so ashamed. It was a very kind school secretary who hugged me and said that if we weren't allowed to be selfish when we were suffering the worst grief imaginable, then when could we.

Now think of Mother’s day. The first mother’s day without your husband. The first mother’s day when perhaps, nobody had encouraged your young children to make you a card. Another morning where you wake up and realise that now, you’re alone, it really is just you who’s responsible for those children. You can’t help but wonder how they’re going to cope in a few months when Fathers Day comes around. And in that moment, when you believe that those children are all you have, you remember that your mil won’t be getting a card either, because she has just buried her son. Of course they gravitated together.
Yes in an ideal world she would have visited her mother too, but in a ideal world people in their 30s don’t lose their partners, and young children aren’t left without fathers.

This is a woman doing her best to not only cope with her own grief, but to help her children through it too.

My advice to the op, is to keep up contact, but gently. Send your daughter a text saying you love her, that you’re thinking of her. Pop a couple of colouring books through the door for the children to keep them busy. Maybe do the same for her mil, nip round with a bunch of flowers, let her know that you care. Maybe suggest to mil a day when you can all take the children to a park or something, it’ll do you all good.

Norah Sat 05-May-18 23:24:53

Bluebelle, I think after church to be a nice visit. She also see some tuesday and school holiday, that is really often.

jenpax Sun 06-May-18 03:24:07

I wasn’t clear if church going was a whole family experience do you and daughter both attend the same church? If so I would start by having a chat with the Vicar/Priest in charge/Pastor in a confidential setting, they will know the situation and presumably the family as a whole he or she maybe able to help you work through how this catastrophe has upturned the whole family and if there were any pre existing issues with your daughter they maybe could help mediate these?
SpanielNanny Has given a beautiful and heart moving explanation of the effect of grief, something which we all hope never to have to suffer in the way your DD and DGC have. I can only imagine😔
The whole of three family units have been turned upside down, that’s your household (you describe yourself as a lonely single woman) the other grans household (also sounds lonely and alone and has lost an adult child😢)and finally your daughter who as well as coping with her own grief has to manage the feelings of two very small children who have lost their father.
Please ask for some help for yourself and cut your daughter a bit of slack as she tries to find her feet.
BTW I don’t think the reference to New mum was meant to hurt you (although I can well understand why it did!) I think it’s probably how she was encouraged by MIL to feel when she married her son and was meant to feel warm and including