Grandkids mom mad that I met my other grandchild

being hurt doesn't excuse using your own children to get back at a GM because she's been seeing her other GC

It may not excuse it in your eyes but it does explain it. It is a given, however much the OP might wish it was not. DIL is deeply hurt by her action - that is a fact and cannot be altered without OP working on a new relationship with her.

As I have said before, standing on principle and dictating what people should do and should feel is the way to disaster.

Accepting the situation as it is (however bad OP might feel about it, and whatever her judgement might be of what should happen) is the only way forward.

Judging this DIL will get her nowhere at all; trying to understand her hurt is the only way forward.

In my experience standing on principle is death to good relationships.

It makes no sense willa and Luckygirl. The OP's son's GF, not her d.i.l. continues in a relationship with the man who fathered this other child yet wishes to punish his mother for wanting to see her other GC.

You posted Luckygirl that "standing on principle and dictating what people should do and feel is the way to disaster" and that is what the OP's son's GF is doing, not the OP.

The good relationship that is at risk here is the relationship between the OP and her GC. It would be IMO almost impossible to have a good relationship with someone who takes away the GC that you love and who love and miss you, because you wont do what their mother wants.

It would be IMO almost impossible to have a good relationship with someone who takes away the GC that you love and who love and miss you, because you wont do what their mother wants.

OK Smiless (and Ican)....Let me see if I put this some other way and in a different order

OP is distraught because she very much wants to have a close relationship to her first two grandchildren again. She wants our advice on how to make that happen.

Speculating about bad faith on DIL's part (when in fact she may be hurting) and passing judgement on her character and her motivations may or may not be accurate but for the purposes of OP's post, personal judgments DO NOT help solve the challenge at hand which is to .....

find a way to be close to her grandchildren again

and if you truly want to help, why not offer some viable strategies to make that happen!

Excuse me, willa45, but the OP said, "She trying to make me chose one over the other but I would never do that. I’m so lost." She asked for our experiences. I don't have that experience which is why I didn't immediately respond but when I saw so many people effectively telling her that she should abandon the single grandchild, I disagreed. My continued responses have been to the people who have challenged my posts. You can put your point of view in whatever way you want to, you will not change my opinion that a GC should not need to be abandoned. Until you have walked in the shoes of the abandoned Great-Grandchild, Grandchild, Daughter, Niece, Sister and Cousin, so you can give a more upbeat scenario, I find it difficult to respect your judgement. As I said earlier, we will just have to agree to differ and why, apart from a 'tongue in cheek' post to Smileless, I have not carried on posting.

I am a relatively new grandma who would love to be able to see my granddaughter more than I do (distance & work get in the way) but I can understand why DIL is upset. Of course the person she should be upset with is her partner but often it isn't that simple. My advice would be to give it time & hopefully things will settle down.
I'm afraid I don't understand PP saying they can't respect another posters opinion? Why not? Unless it offensive surely that is what we are here for to share various viewpoints?

Poor Sfgrandma so much bickering! I’m not offering an opinion I don’t know what the answer is but I do hope she can get some support from the replies and can see the best way forward for her. Please Sfgrandma keep in touch and let us know how you get on. You can only do your best. Good luck.

I didn't say 'respect your opinion", Goodbyetoallthat, I said "Judgement." I respect Willa's opinion, nor am I offended by it, I just don't agree with it. I said "Judgement," simply because I have a raft of experience with 'abandoned' children and the majority feel it very negatively. I have, of course, met children who have bounced but it is much, much rarer. The effects on me and my siblings was also profound so, if I argue more strongly than I usually do, it is because this has really touched a nerve.
As I said earlier, I have agreed to differ and would not have contributed further to this discussion had I not had comments directed to me by name.

The only way the OP can "make it happen" as you put it willa is to stop seeing her other GC because her son's GF, not his wife so not her d.i.l. wont allow her to do so if she wishes to be a GM to all of her GC.

So you can smile willa well good for you. I can smile too and do which is why my name is smile less, get it. I smile less than I used too and if you'd been through what we've been through for the last 5.5 years, you'd probably smile less too.

"You posted Luckygirl that "standing on principle and dictating what people should do and feel is the way to disaster" and that is what the OP's son's GF is doing, not the OP. "

Indeed so; and that is the point. This impasse has been reached precisely because the GF/DIL is standing on principle - how will it help for the OP to do the same?

This young woman is feeling hurt and powerless and is trying to claw something back in the only way she can see is open to her. Is what she is doing right? - of course not. Is what she is doing understandable? - of course it is.

The OP can only find a way through this by trying to get inside that poor lass's head. She has been betrayed and let down. She needs a bit of love really; and some help to get through this sorry situation.

Wishing that she felt differently; being annoyed with her for being human - how will this help anyone?

I agree Lucky girl the GF is hurt & this is the only area that she feels that she has some control over. I am certainly not saying I that I feel she is doing the right thing & can well understand why the OP is upset. However surely anyway forward here must be with time & compassion on both sides, otherwise there will indeed be an impasse & no one will gain from that,

I don't usually write this many times on one thread so it shouldn't suprise anyone that I'm worn out and fresh out of ideas.

Apologies to Smileless and Ican if my posts somehow offended you. My intent was to illustrate that speculation and (subjective) judgments are not strategies. I did not mean for this to turn into a debate.

( For those of you just signing in, my original advice on this thread is posted on page 2)

willa.

Thank you for you comment.

Yes my son tried to deny being the father. He has chose to do things in his life that have made things harder for him. I try to be the best parent I can and I try to raise all 3 of my children (24, 19, 11) with respect and compassion and I have tried to teach them the importance of responsibility for ones actions. I tried and continue to try to guide them to be the best people the can be. Believe me it tears me up inside when I see my son making bad choice and also when I see him and his loved ones suffer the consequences of his bad choices but unfortunately he is a grown man. Maybe I failed along the way with him. I wonder what I couldve done different but I honestly don’t know.

Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your thoughts.

Thank you for understanding and for taking the time to share your comment. Very helpful.

❤️ Very comforting words. Thank yoj

Thank each and every one of you for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences. It really helps to hear your thoughts.

Unfortunately, I still haven’t seen my grandchildren. It’s been 61 days today. I do understand that their mother was hurt by my sons actions and I feel awful about that. I love this woman and had a great relationship with her before this. I can understand why people have sympothy for her. I never wanted to hurt her feelings. My sons gf and I never talked much about the other woman and child but She knew about this child the entire 4 years of his life. However the two women have had words on multiple occasions on social media so everyone knows about this other child. My son has seen this child a few times over the years but it was kept quiet. When the new girl reached out to me after the dna test I agreed to meet her and my grandson. I didn’t go throw it in gf face. But I also didn’t want to seem like I was being sneaky. The gf pretends the child doesn’t exists so she didn’t want to talk about it when I tried. My younger son posted a pic on ig of the day he met his new nephew and that’s how the gf found out. I’ve tried talking to her but she refuses. She blocked my number and my fb. My son and her don’t live together and the only time he sees the kids is when she brings them to see him and they all stay the night or 2 but she always stays so he doesn’t have them by himself much other wise he would let me see them. I have gone to court because when I talked to a lawyer they said it would come down to what my son wanted since they are not married. I know that would only cause more grief in their relationship so Left it alone. I must say it is frustrating that I didn’t cause this situation. Yet I am being punished. The gf is no angel herself and the fact that she still allows my son to see her kids w/o needing a court order simply cause he is not seeing the other child is disgusting. My son is wrong for not stepping up and seeing ALL of his children but NO woman should tell a man not to see his children. The child exists he’s not going away. If she can’t handle that (and that’s understandable) then she should leave him. The same goes for my son if a woman makes him chose between his kids I’d hope he’d tell her he can’t do that and let her end the relationship if that’s her choice. You can always find another mate but your child is your child! Your flesh and blood and they deserve to have two parents.

Although I cry every day still I don’t regret starting a relationship with my newest grandson. I look at it like this. All 3 kids are equally my grandkids and they all deserve to know they have a grandma who loves them. I will always be here for them and I will never stop reaching out to them but Unfortunately, their mom has chose to go this route and all I can do is respect that.

However, last week was my granddaughters 4th birthday and I sent her 3 packages full of gifts and on her bday my son had her call me (her mother was there too) but only to say thank you. The call lasted only 2-3 min. But it gave me hope. Hearing her lil voice say “I love you grandma, thank you for my mail” melted my heart. But then she said “I miss you grandma”, “grandma you come pick me up?” Then she was hurried off the phone. Tomorrow is the other grandchild 4th bday and I plan to see him on Monday to celebrate.

Thanks you all for your words of wisdom and advice. Much appreciated.

I sympathise with your sadness that your son has let everyone down - but not everything is our fault as parents. They follow their own path once they are grown - do not blame yourself.

I'm so pleased that at least you got to talk to your GD on the 'phone and can only imagine how heartbreaking it must have been when she asked you if you were going to pick her up Sfgrandma.

I'm sorry but IMO your son's GF is using their children to punish you and she must be aware that they miss you and can't understand why you're no longer seeing them.

You son has also let you down, you and his other child but as Luckygirl has posted that is not your fault, it is his.

What a terribly sad story and one that happens far too often, Sfgrandma. Children used as pawns is just vicious no matter what the reason.
When our son broke up his relationship with his girlfriend who had his young son, we saw a solicitor the moment she started to make demands upon him which actually was tantamount to denying him access. We helped fund an emergency application as it was coming up to Xmas and it took about 3 months for the courts to sort things out. Although his ex made all sorts of demands, we held firm for the most unreasonable, requested a visit from the court's officer to assess the situation and got a determination on what would be the minimum access. Because he lived so far from us, we were granted the minimum of one full weekend per month, alternating Christmas, Easter, Birthdays and New Year, half the school holidays plus other reasonable access. The child was only 1 and a half at the time. My son was told that no demands could be made as to what was acceptable to the mother as he was a responsible parent so should be allowed to make decisions. He is entitled to access to the schools, even entitled to have a say in where he attends school, etc. It was a very painful time sorting it out but it put pay to the unreasonable behaviour and the idea that only one parent has a say. It also helped settle things down between the two parents because they had to abide by the court decision. It wasn't even that expensive because we attended court on our own; her legally aided funded solicitor helped negotiate the settlement and was brilliant. She was aware of the tricks played by mothers who suddenly find their children completely anaphylactic around dogs so they can't visit Dad who has one! It was her suggestion that the child was tested...something the mother declined so abandoned that course of action!
I would encourage your son to be the one to approach the court rather than you. He may have been misguided as a partner but he can try to be the best father possible.

@Icanhandthemback I’m glad to hear it worked out for your family. I agree it will be best if the court comes into play that it is my son who initiates it. However since they are on and off again and still trying to work on things at times I haven’t encouraged him to go to court himself at this time. It is very sad when parents use their children as pawns.

I admire them for trying to work it out SFgrandma and hope they can. I also hope things work out for you too.

Having read only some of the posts, this may have been already said.

Yes, your sons on/off girlfriend has every right to be angry with your son, but no one should use their children as 'weapons', to hurt someone else, because ultimately, it is the children that suffer.

You might need to have a chat with the girlfriend and explain that you only want to have a relationship with your newly discovered grandchild, but not with his mother, as you consider her as your sons partner. That might appease her, as she may be scared of losing you too, even though she is going the wrong way about it.

I live in a small fishing village where everyone basically knows everyone else. Both my daughters have failed first marriages and there are half siblings and step siblings now they are with new partners, but, we all rub along nicely for the sake of the children and they are all happy and confident children knowing that.

It's so sad when folk start saying you have to choose this child over that child, but hope you can get it sorted without going to court. All that does is make the lawyers rich.