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Grandparenting

worried about grandson’s change of feelings

(36 Posts)
jocarter Mon 02-Jul-18 17:41:09

My Dgs is 4 years old. We don’t see him very often because they live 4.5 hours away and due to Dh and my health it’s a long journey. I have Skyped daily with Dgs since he was very little. We have always been very very close and his love for us has always been great. Very unusually, we have seen him several times over the last 5 months and it has been really really great, however we are due to see him on Wednesday and he really seems like he genuinely doesn’t want to see us.
When we saw him last at the end of May we had a lovely time, when they returned home we went back to Skyping. Dgs often “punishes” us for leaving for a couple of days or so by not wanting to speak to us, we fully understand this, as he obviously doesn’t understand why we can’t see him regularly.
Over the past 2 or 3 weeks though, he doesn’t want to speak to me at all, he’s genuinely not looking forward to seeing us on Wednesday even though we are taking him to his favourite play park. He really doesn’t want to see us at all.
I truly understand that maybe he’s a bit fed up with us, and honestly, that’s absolutely fine, but I really am worried why he is feeling like this, what has happened to make him feel like this.
I’m not saying “what have I done wrong?” Because I know I haven’t, I’m just looking for any words of wisdom as to why this might be happening.

So in a nutshell he is due to go on the train tomorrow do see our daughter and her wife who he loves dearly, then on Wednesday we are due to collect Ds, Ddil and Dgs from our Dds and to bring him to stay with us for a couple of days.
He genuinely seems like he doesn’t want to see any of us including our Dd.

As I have said, I don’t feel offended by this behaviour, I am genuinely very worried why he feels like this.

Fennel Mon 02-Jul-18 18:20:33

Your last 2 paragraphs say it all - the little boy is confused (like me).
And remember young children don't have the reasoning capacity that we're supposed to have.
They're not miniature adults.
Think again about it - try to put yourself in his place.
Unless this is a windup?

janeainsworth Mon 02-Jul-18 18:23:47

jo He’s 4. That’s it, really.
Give it a few weeks and he will be fine.
Just carry on as normal.

Jalima1108 Mon 02-Jul-18 18:31:10

I have Skyped daily with Dgs since he was very little.
I am amazed that people have such great relationships on Skype because we have always found it impossible - and DGS, when much younger, could be persuaded to wave as he whizzed past on his trike and that was about all!!

Has he started school yet? The youngest ones, in fact all of them, are so tired at this time of the school year and all this travelling and visiting is just something else to think about.

I'm sure he'll be fine when he arrives and goes to his favourite park with you.

Dgs often “punishes” us for leaving for a couple of days or so by not wanting to speak to us, we fully understand this, as he obviously doesn’t understand why we can’t see him regularly.
I find that an odd remark and don't quite understand it, sorry.

Jalima1108 Mon 02-Jul-18 18:33:19

^he’s genuinely not looking forward to seeing us on Wednesday even though we are taking him to his favourite play park. He really doesn’t want to see us at all.
I truly understand that maybe he’s a bit fed up with us, and honestly, that’s absolutely fine, but I really am worried why he is feeling like this, what has happened to make him feel like this.^
Not sure how you know he's genuinely not looking forward to seeing you.

It sounds as if there is far too much pressure on this child to conform to what you are expecting from the relationship.

Just relax.

jocarter Mon 02-Jul-18 18:58:22

Fennel, no this isn’t a wind up, why on earth would someone do that ?.

Jalima1108 I read his bedtime story to him it’s been a routine for most of his young life, he doesn’t have to have one, it’s completely his choice every time.
He’s starting school in September, but agree that it’s coming up to the summer holidays and this heat also won’t be helping him.
When I say “punishes us “ I mean that in his little head he doesn’t understand why we are going home and leaving him, and why he can’t come with us, so for a few days he just won’t speak to us, and actually has said to Ds and Ddil he is cross with us because we went home , maybe punishing was the wrong word,
I mean by genuinely not looking forward to seeing us, that, he’s not messing around saying it, he really means it.
I’m just worried why he feels this way now

Janeainsworth Thank you, I’m sure this is exactly what will happen! You just can’t help worry!

Auntieflo Mon 02-Jul-18 19:02:07

We don't see our yougest GC regularly or often, but when we do, he is fine. When DS phones us, he askd if GS would like to speak to Nanny, "Nope" is sometimes the answer, other times he will chat. I hope all goes well on Wed.

BlueBelle Mon 02-Jul-18 19:11:12

I totally understand the punish bit when my grandaughter was nearly 2 her parents went on holiday and I went to her house to stay with her, she wasn’t well while they were away with an ear infection I actually put a mattress down beside her little bed so I could keep an eye on her at night When the portents returned she wouldn’t speak to them go to them or even look st them for a few hours she’s then gradually came round but I felt she was ‘punishing’ them for being away
I too am amazed you manage a daily web call I hate Skype I look frightening it freezes at the wrong moments and when the grandkids were little and staying with me they used to be happy as Larry all day and as soon as they saw. Mum and Dad on Skyp they d start crying and as they used to Skyp evening they would go to bed upset I asked them to stop

SueDonim Mon 02-Jul-18 19:15:22

I assume you are also wanting to spend time with your ds and dil. I'd focus on that rather than the GS. He's 4yo, he has to do what his mum and dad plan, not what he plans to do.

Little ones all go through funny phases - one of my nieces refused to speak to her daddy, my brother, for months when she was a toddler!

jocarter Mon 02-Jul-18 19:23:14

Thank you Auntieflo I’m sure it will, I think I’m just over worrying because it’s such a huge turnaround in his way towards us all.

Bluebell I’m really glad you understand what I mean about punishing, It’s something he has always done and it’s absolutely fine. I completely understand it.
With Skype, he is given the choice wether he would like his story or not, if he says no, then we just say night to him, originally we started doing this because our son was worried he wouldn’t bond with us, but over the years Dgs has really loved story time and been upset if I have not been well enough to do it when I’m in Hospital.

Thanks everyone for your comments, I appreciate them

Fennel Mon 02-Jul-18 19:25:33

Sorry Jo.
I just don't understand your family set up.
"our daughter and her wife"
"we are due to collect Ds, Ddil and Dgs from our Dds"

jocarter Mon 02-Jul-18 19:27:50

SueDonim. Yes we love spending time with Ds and Ddil . I’m sure it is just a phase, and you are right, thinking about it, as parents we do expect our Children just to go along with what we say.
Thank you so much for your comment

jocarter Mon 02-Jul-18 19:37:31

Fennel I don’t understand what you mean? Our daughter is married to her long term partner who is our daughter in law, we are very close to both of them and always have been. I don’t understand what I have said wrong, I just said our daughter and her wife, which is exactly who I was on about. We are going on Wednesday to pick up our son, his wife and our grandson from our daughters, because they have been staying there for a few days as they don’t see see them very much either,

luluaugust Mon 02-Jul-18 20:03:58

I wouldn't worry too much at four he can speak quite well and is able to say what he feels, what he doesn't have so much of is the ability to know what effect he will have when he says things. So if he is feeling grumpy he just says so. He will probably be fine when he actually sees you. Small children do get very engrossed sometimes with a particular toy or game so quite probably when you Skype sometimes he is just too busy, he is growing up fast.

BlueBelle Mon 02-Jul-18 20:11:04

You haven’t said anything wrong Jo I think maybe there was confusion as they are a lot of relatives to get our heads around in a short paragraph
I think I ve got it your son, daughter in law and grandson are staying with your daughter and her female partner (wife) and you are picking them up to come to your house for a visit
I m afraid I blamed it all on these blxxxy acronyms

I really would stop worrying he will go through many more phases you have to get used to them all he may get moody, cross, defiant, at various times in his life and he won’t necessarily always be the loving little chap he is now you ll have all the angst and broodiness of teens then they up and go without a backward glance If his parents have noticed nothing wrong then relax there is nothing wrong

jocarter Mon 02-Jul-18 20:28:03

Thank you Bluebelle yes that is exactly right, it is quite a mouthful, I agree it’s using all the acronyms it confuses me writing them all.
You are also right, I do need to stop worrying myself about silly things. I think this is possibly because he is our first grandchild and it’s something that he hasn’t done before, but I really agree with you, I’m sure there will be more storms ahead 😂😂 Thank you very much again, I really do appreciate it.

Jalima1108 Mon 02-Jul-18 20:31:28

I think I know what you mean by punishing then, now you have explained it a bit more.
When DC2 arrived, DC1 was brought into the maternity home every day to see us but would walk straight past me, speak to the baby then gaze out of the window with her back to me!!

jocarter Mon 02-Jul-18 20:45:21

Jalima1108 Thank you, maybe punishing is too strong a word to use, children are funny little things aren’t they.
I’m sure all will be fine, and on Wednesday I will be wondering what on earth I was worrying about.

Thanks very much for commenting.

Melanieeastanglia Mon 02-Jul-18 20:58:44

He is only four and children go through phases. He may well be completely different when you see him on Wednesday. I think children tend to live in the present moment. My children certainly did.

agnurse Tue 03-Jul-18 00:50:20

I suspect his "punishing" you might be due to separation anxiety. This is a very common response to separation in young children.

Being that he's 4 he might not be able to think far enough ahead to understand your coming to see him in a few days. As others have said, it's also possible that there are other things going on for him that are impacting this.

stella1949 Tue 03-Jul-18 01:47:31

By the time I've worked out the meanings of all the acronyms - picking up the DS, the DIL, the DGS from the DD....my head is spinning. Is it so hard to write the actual words ?

Re your grandson, don't worry about it. They are not little adults, they don't punish us . Just roll with the flow, both you and he will be fine. By the time he is 13 he won't want to know you at all, so just enjoy anything you get at the moment.

jocarter Tue 03-Jul-18 08:05:00

Stella1949, I couldn’t agree more with all the Ds Ddil etc, I much prefer to write the whole word but I was picked up on it by someone a few weeks ago saying it’s much easier to understand!!!. In future I’m going to write the whole word. Thanks very much for your reply, hubby said to me last night to stop worrying because by the time they are due to go home I will be desperate for a little bit of peace

agnurse , I think you are right about the anxiety separation, my daughter in law has said something very similar, she said that come Wednesday morning, she won’t Be able to control his excitement.

Melanieeastanglia, thanks for your reply, I have been thinking about this all night and know I’m over worrying, I need to just enjoy him, after all, I’m very lucky that we have a relationship with all of our children and grandson

BlueBelle Tue 03-Jul-18 08:24:27

I m a great acronym hater so the more people who join me in actually writing the word and leaving off the ridiculous dear and darling the better I will feel

OldMeg Tue 03-Jul-18 08:44:41

Yes, children go through phases. Don’t let it worry you unduly. I’ve had times when one of mine didn’t want to visit or stay overnight. Then a couple of week later they are on the phone asking to see us.

jocarter Tue 03-Jul-18 09:02:31

Bluebelle I will definitely join you, it’s so confusing 😂
Oldmeg Thank you, I know you are right, I definitely feel better about it this morning. I’m sure tomorrow will be great xx