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Grandparenting

Advise

(40 Posts)
MissKae Wed 18-Jul-18 07:10:11

Hi all! (Warning, this is kind of long!)

I'm not a grandmother, I'm a new mother to a beautiful 3½ month old little boy. I was looking for some advise if you have any to offer!

Let me start by saying, I have an absolutely incredible MIL. She would give the shirt off her back for all of us, her daughter/son in laws, her children and her grandchildren. She's extremely loving and her and I have a wonderful relationship. During my pregnancy and up until now baby and I visit 4+ days a week, we go for lunches, to movies and have tea (not so much the movies since her DGS was born)
She's had a really tough go, her first grandchildren she had to raise financially and physically since they were 6 and 8. Their mom took off and didn't try to contact anyone for 8 years. She felt she had to become a parent to them and lost her special bond with them. Her second set of DGC she was NC with, because her other DIL was under the belief of "I have my own family, I don't need yours". The other grandparents got to see their DGC constantly, but her DIL always refused any kind of contact to my MIL. I find it deplorable. When you marry someone, their family is part of the deal.

Now onto our son. I think it's really important that she has a relationship with him, a healthy normal one. She hasn't gotten one with any of her other DGC
Lately, it seems as if she is overriding our parenting decisions (Out of fear and desire for the best for her DGC)
For example, she has repeatedly told me I'm putting baby to bed wrong, that he will choke on his vomit and die in his sleep (I follow the 'back to bed' recommendation, but 32 years ago there were different practices)
We've tried telling her the recommendation has changed but she won't listen. Or with LO hitting an early milestone, she's told us were pushing him too hard and we're going to damage his spine (His doctor said he has the strength to be tripod sitting if he's putting himself in that position. Once again, we tried to tell her but she picked the baby up and said 'Don't worry, I won't let them hurt you')

I love her so much, and she is a wonderful Grandma. Everything she does is out of love, but I need advise on how to talk to her about these things. My husband is getting really frustrated and wants her to be less involved. He thinks we're letting her be too close and making her feel more like a co-parent than a grandparent.
She really loves having this strong bond with her DGS. I want to try to salvage her relationship with DH, but I'm not sure how to help! Any advise would be very gratefully appreciated!

Daddima Wed 18-Jul-18 13:32:47

Our 3 all had different ‘guidelines’ for sleeping! And the weaning ‘ guideline’ was ‘ Twelve weeks or twelve pounds, whichever comes first’, so #1 son was getting Farex at six weeks! He was breast fed, and they advised giving Carnation Milk in a bottle for the occasional feed. I remember there was a table on the tin giving amounts for feeds. When #2 arrived, the label said to write to Carnation for guidance, and by the time #3 arrived it wasn’t mentioned at all.
I’d say just do what you’re most comfortable with.

(Incidentally, the Bounty book we expectant mothers were given advised us ‘ never to drink so much alcohol that we fell over, or we may hurt the baby’ !

BlueBelle Wed 18-Jul-18 14:39:51

All three of mine slept on their tummies The first had very very bad colic for 8 months so sleeping on her tummy seemed to ease it I was advised to feed second on diluted carnation ( nobody knows what I m taking about so thanks Daddima for mentioning it’s supposed to be kinder on the digestive system) There were instructions as to how much to use per ounce of water on the tin but that’s long disappeared He’s ended up a very very fit athlete and hates any kind of cream or milk? The third went onto tinned milk after a brief breast feeding encounter
Mamaxaz I was wondering too

4allweknow Wed 18-Jul-18 14:51:39

Do you have any friends nearby who have babies ? Could you organise a little "drop in" visit to MIL and try to bring conversation round to what has changed in looking after babies compared to when she had children. Obvious one could be nappies - just don't know how you managed to boost her. Then gradually get on to sleeping/weaning/not overheating etc. Prime your friend so she knows what to expect and to back you up. A third party is sometimes more readily listened to. Otherwise, just ignore MIL comments and do your own thing.

NanaRayna Wed 18-Jul-18 18:22:01

My Health Visitor insisted baby went to sleep on his tummy. I wasn't to put him on his back or he'd choke on his own vomit, she said. So I had to put him to bed on his tummy. Cot death at 21 weeks.
DON'T LET GRANDMA DO IT HER WAY!

GabriellaG Wed 18-Jul-18 20:39:22

I think you ought to tread carefully. Your MiL sounds like a wonderful woman and it isn't surprising that she is offering advice after raising not only her own children but the two GC you mention.
You too, sound a caring, loving DiL and don't wish to hurt her feelings so my suggestion is this. That you listen to what she says and make appropriate but non-committal remarks while carrying on doing things your way. If she sees you putting your son on his back to nap, just smile and say that he tries to turn over if put in any other position.
I realise that her 'interference' can be annoying as he is YOUR son, however, I'm sure that you're doing your best to keep the peace and foster a good relationship with her and that is the mark of a good woman.
Enjoy your little one. They grow up and move on far too soon.
smileflowers

mcem Wed 18-Jul-18 20:52:22

nanarayna I too followed the tummy sleeping advice 32 years ago but with no ill effects.
I am so sorry to read your post and admire you for telling your sad story.
Thank you.

Shizam Wed 18-Jul-18 20:59:10

Doesn’t help that the so called experts keep changing their blooming minds!

OldMeg Thu 19-Jul-18 07:26:10

The advice about putting baby to sleep on its back has saved thousands of lives. Back by statistical evidence. It’s not just a trend or experts ‘changing their blooming minds’ FFS.

OldMeg Thu 19-Jul-18 07:38:53

Back to Sleep

Thirdinline Thu 19-Jul-18 08:46:58

Your DMiL does sound quite stubborn and intransigent. Perhaps that is why her other DiL prefers to only see her side of the family. I think you are doing the right thing. I came on here to give advice about DH and the texts. He doesn’t have to reply to texts straight away, or at all! Or he could text “We can discuss it when we see you on ...”. It’s a form of communication that wasn’t around when my DCs were small and I only very occasionally text DSDiL & DSS. They post photos of DSGCs on Facebook and I like, love or comment. They are 300 miles away though, not 3 mins! It would be a shame for texting to become such an issue for you all when, from what you say, you have a lot of direct contact.

Newmom101 Thu 19-Jul-18 11:54:30

If you have a good relationship with her it would be a shame to spoil it as it will be nice for your baby to grow up with a close family, and helpful for you if you ever need someone to watch him (if she wants to of course!). As you have a good relationship could you sit her down on your own (without baby) and explain that whilst you are grateful that she loves your DS, it sometimes feels like she's undermining your parenting. Explain to her that although she may disagree with your methods, you are doing the best for your DS, by current guidelines and that she needs to realise you are his parents and trust you to make the parenting decisions, and that you need to trust her to follow current guidelines when she looks after him. Explain that her relationship with him will natrurally differ to her other GC as she was basically parenting them, but that you want her to enjoy being a grandparent this time. Also, if I were you, I would have found the 'don't worry I won't let them hurt you' comment quite hurtful, as you are obviously not going to purposely hurt your baby! I'd really want to talk this comment over with her and explain that comments like that aren't acceptable and are quite hurtful.

I think a chat to establish her role as a grandparent not a parent is much better than just backing off if you are happy to maintain a close relationship with her.

Newmom101 Thu 19-Jul-18 12:01:51

Oh, and the front sleeping thing is massively important. You really need to get that across to her, the stats on it are overwhelming (SIDS rates dropped by more than 50% in just a couple of years once the back to sleep campaign began). It's just as important once baby can roll from tummy to back though, there's lot of evidence showing that babies placed on stomachs to sleep, even once they can roll, are still at a higher risk of SIDS, it's fine for them to roll once asleep but they need to be put on backs to sleep. So it's massively important until baby is 1. I would show her the lullaby trust website, it has an faq section on why choking isn't a risk when baby is on their back and about other safe sleep guidelines like not using blankets.

Sorry for the lecture, a family members baby died from SIDS and a friends baby died from suffocating on blankets at 9 months, so I realise I'm quite obsessive over safe sleeping guidelines!

CrazyGrandma2 Thu 19-Jul-18 15:34:46

Ask her if she raised her son in exactly the same way that her mother raised her. I remember my nannie telling me to give my baby a little sachet of sugar to soothe her as she used to do. No wonder my mother had such bad teeth! Times change as GMs we need to realise this and keep it zipped unless asked for advice or of course if the child is in danger. She's had her turn to be a mother. Now it's yours. Good luck flowers

Flaxseed Sat 21-Jul-18 09:25:23

After reading your original post MissKae, I’m wondering if DD2 thought I was like your MIL in the early days shock!

Parenting has changed quite a bit since the late 80’s/early 90’s when I had DD’s.
When DD2 has DGS last year I found myself saying ‘are you sure?’ ‘We did that with you and you were ok’

Originally, I thought that as I had ‘been there - done that’, my advice would help DD.
She would very politely point out
‘It’s different now Mum wink

Once I read the Lullaby Trust - I was an immediate convert to back sleeping.
So much of the new parenting guidance has been throughly researched and is evidence based and that can only be a good thing.
I now enjoy learning the new ways and why there were introduced/changed.

I love the idea by 4allwenow regarding inviting MIL round when you have friends round! You can then incorporate crazygrandma2 advice by asking MIL how things changed between her mother raising her and her raising DH.

You have had some brilliant advice on here and hopefully
MIL will soon relax and accept that things are different now.

Fingers crossed for you all