Disinterested in grandchild

I was very young when my two girls were born. Being a mum didn't come naturally to me and I didn't really enjoy my children in the way I'd hoped. I think I was a good mother but I always had to say to myself 'now what would a good mother do now'

I love my grandchildren but can happily go several weeks without seeing them. Still prefer the company of adults to children.

We are all different.

Jalima1108 you don't seem to understand that sometimes people do expect to bond with their children/grandchildren but for many reasons this doesn't happen. You can't just send them back if you feel ambivalent towards them!

I am so sorry to read this. I found being a Mum tough too, but not all the time, and now my boys are grown up I regret the times I was not able to enjoy them as I felt I wanted to - but I was just worn to a frazzle so much of the time! I have a 15 month old granddaughter now, and she is the joy of my life - I love every moment I get to spend with her, which is about a couple of hours every 7 - 10 days, sometimes in sole care, sometimes on a visit with my son and his partner. I feel able to enjoy my time with her in a way I couldn't with my own children, with all the other pressures of being a wife, mother and homemaker. I can just play with her, really, and I love that. I do hope you can find a way to have a loving relationship with your granddaughter soon - childhood seems to fly by so fast. Every good wish to you and yours.

Ps my daughter and other adult children have no idea how I feel and I would never tell them.

I feel a bit like Paula with my grandchild although I was very much in love with my 3 children. She is a very quiet child and no trouble. My solution is to behave in every way as if I was crazy about her. I do quite a lot with her in the holidays and 3 afternoons a week after school. I believe that love is not the same thing as the emotion that usually goes along with it. The emotion is lovely but it’s not everything. I love her in that I want the very best for her and would be very upset if anything bad happened to her. I hope she will have happy memories of me and my OH.

Surely your daughter knows how you feel. Has she commented on how little contact you have with GD? Whilst I would not wish to do a caring role on a regular basis I do look forward to helping out at school holidays. If you don't have a rapport with children you can't manufacture one. Do keep in touch though so they know they exist in your life.

She actually wrote “I thinks!” Typo rather than grammar I think!

Lilyflower, shouldn’t you have written “I think”? “Me thinks” sounds more the type of thing a pirate would say. (Only saying).

I wasn't going to point that out [shhhh]

Pedants' Corner Comment:-

I thinks you mean 'uninterested'. 'Disinterested means objective, impartial, not having an interest in one side or the other of a view.

Think of it from your daughter and granddaughter's point of view. I am 64 and my late mother always disliked me and showed it at every opportunity, even though she didn't think she did. I imagine your daughter is as fully aware of how you feel as I was with my mother. Perhaps you could explore what happened when your daughter was born that left you so unhappy with her and is now projected onto your grandchild. If you are to keep seeing them then I feel you need to address this because at the end of my mother's life I disliked her as much as she disliked me. The relationship was hers to mend as she was the adult but sadly she never did. There are no winners and it affects the child badly. I have two sons and four grandchildren . I had my sons when I was very young at 18 but I loved them and would do anything for them and my grandchildren are an indescribable joy.

I've been on GN for several years but I don't think any post has ever resonated as much as this one. I had my children ( 3 DD's) when I was very young because it was what you did. I loved them and cared for them, but my heart was never truly in it.I was only truly happy when I was able to have a career, be part of the world at large. As adults I get on really well with them, but it is more as a friend.They all now have children, but to me, that is what they are, my daughters' children.I love them and care about them,but in a different way.We all accept each other as we are, and that is our family.

Paula maybe it is best to stop analysing how you feel/ your emotiins. You may find love grows over time naturally as your GD grows.

Paula, don't worry, you love her - that is enough. You will probably find that the relationship grows as she gets older.

Some people have children because they had unprotected sex. That being so they often adore the baby when it arrives and often find out they like children.

I liked my own but in the refuge where I worked I opted out of child care. It was accepted because it was very popular with the other volunteers. I liked working with adults.

Paula50 you are not alone. You may find out that your GD becomes more interesting when she is older. Its nice to have GPs but its better to have really good parents.
I had two very indifferent grandmothers but a lovely mother and was very happy as a child.

Ahh my little granddaughter gives us so much pleasure I cannot even put in to words how much we love her! To see my son become a father and the love he has for his little girl just melts me and as a cancer survivor I know how lucky I am to have even met her ❤️ All this from a women who couldn't wait for her children to grow up and leave home so I could get my husband all to myself again! ?

My MIL dipped in and out of my children's lives and they certainly noticed it as they got older as my mum adored them, children don't miss much and love is something they should be surrounded by.
I may be in the minority here but I find it bizzare that you have such little interest in the next generation you helped create, my dad at 79 is delighted to be here to see his great grandchildren arrive and we will be the same, bring it on!

Sometimes the grandchildren are not in your life due to falling out with DIL, as in my case. I use to have my youngest one to stay for w/ends and holiday care up till last year, now i am am not allowed.I just wonder if she will ever know the reason why i am no longer part of her little life or does she even care. I was never really in the life of the two older ones and i never knew the reason why that happened, i felt that the youngest one was my time to be a real GP but now that is denyed I have tried and offered 'olive branches' but to no avail, so now have resigned myself that this is how it will be.I'll send birthday and Xmas money but i wont beg to be allowed in their lives anymore. I may not have much time left in this world so i am filling my life with other things it helps to mask the pain.

I work with children but understand how you feel.imlive my grandchildren but wouldn't want them here all the he time. Perhaps it's my employment to blame I don't know.

Remember there is a little person there with feelings, not just a child.

Bathsheba

Why not?
If she has any sense, she's out and about enjoying herself.

Over 2 hours and 95 responses later, Paula is yet to return to her thread. I wonder why?

As long as you have things in your life that give you pleasure I don't think it should matter very much if you are not particularly maternal or grandmaternal (made up word!). As long as your family is well and happy and you see them when it suits all of you it isn't a problem. It only becomes a problem if one side wants more than the other can or is prepared to give.

Would it be better to remove yourself from their lives altogether than for the child to feel a sense of rejection?

What is your relationship like with your own DC now? Is it equally as unfeeling?

However, perhaps if you just treat her with kindness and courtesy as you would any other person you may be able to form some kind of relationship; can you try to show an interest in her activities? If you enjoy cooking, for instance, can you get her involved in simple baking together?

What is your relationship with friends? Or do you find it difficult to form any relationships at all?

Is there much point in posting just to say you can't find anything to say?