Gransnet forums


Disinterested in grandchild

(118 Posts)
Paula50 Fri 10-Aug-18 15:14:51

I'm totally disinterested in my grandchild,I love her but if I only got to see her once or twice a year it would suite me.I found being a mum to young children hard and unenjoyable and I can't shake those feelings now I've a 3 yr old grandchild.I have tried I say the right things but I dont feel it ,we don't have her at our home or go to hers ,my husband hadn't seen her in 9 months .I feel bad to feel this way I love my daughter also but I just feel it done the young kids I don't want anything to do with them again,but of course I do do.It isn't something you voice to anyone because hey were all ment to adore them.

M0nica Fri 10-Aug-18 15:23:08

Paula, I am sure you are not alone in this and it must be a relief to admit it. However, as always in life, we sometimes need to make compromises.

You have the courage to admit the problem, now look for solutions. Could you cope with seeing her for a day every couple of months alternating between your daughters house and yours. It would only be six or seven times a year, so should be bearable.

Do you keep in regular contact with your daughter? Perhaps doing that on a weekly basis and asking about you GD and seeing photos will also enable you to seem interested without contact. You do not say how your DH feels about seeing his GD so little.

Life is one long compromise in so many ways, surely you can cope with this one.

FlexibleFriend Fri 10-Aug-18 15:28:39

I don't see a problem, visit your daughter as you choose and have as little interaction with your grand daughter as you choose. I really can't relate to all the gushing granny's seem to do or their needs. We're all different and that's a good thing imo. Does your daughter think it's a problem?

muffinthemoo Fri 10-Aug-18 15:42:44

I had a granny much like you paula I can’t say it did me any harm.

Cards were sent and the odd visit and things were always cordial, she was always pleasant to me.

You don’t miss what you didn’t have, I was never bothered that we weren’t close.

MawBroon Fri 10-Aug-18 15:52:44

You may have to eork at loving her*Paula*.
We expect our grandchildren to love us, but why should they? They usually reflect the love we have for them and return our interest and affection many times over, especially when they are little.
Can she sense your cool attitude?
How hurtful could that be to an enthusiastic and trusting three year old?
I feel very sad for both of you and for what you are missing.
My mother wasn’t great with small children and I feel she lost out on the close relationship our children had with their other granny.
All I would hope is that as an adult who loves her daughter you can find it in your heart to try hatder.

MawBroon Fri 10-Aug-18 15:53:34

work!!! Not “eork” blush

MawBroon Fri 10-Aug-18 15:54:38

#typosRus - but you know what I meant I hope.

sodapop Fri 10-Aug-18 16:08:21

It's very hard to admit that Paula when as you say women are supposed to be hard wired to feeling maternal.
Not all of us feel that way, I love my children and grandchildren but that does not mean I want to be with them all the time. I am so glad I didn't have to do the amount of child care some people on GN seem to do. I would much rather work away from the home than do child care.
Don't feel bad about this, relax and enjoy the short spells you share and get on with your life. Don't shut them out though as you may find you enjoy their company more as they get older.

sodapop Fri 10-Aug-18 16:10:14

Maw I love your 'typos R us ' comment, made me chuckle.

OldMeg Fri 10-Aug-18 16:14:56

If you found being a mother ‘hard and enjoyable’ then there’s not much chance of you enjoying a grandchild.

OldMeg Fri 10-Aug-18 16:15:15

‘Hard and unenjoyable’

yggdrasil Fri 10-Aug-18 17:24:20

Keep the contact. Presents & card on birthday and Christmas, cards on other special occasions, and a postcard from Granny on holiday.
Oh, and when you have seen her, £5 pocket money when you leave.
Sounds mercenary, but it works smile.
Just be consistent!

NanaandGrampy Fri 10-Aug-18 18:03:09

I'm so sad for you Paula , but if that's how you feel , that's how you feel.

I also feel terribly sad for your granddaughter too, the relationship with a grandparent is so very different from being a parent. I think keeping in contact is the essential thing. Perhaps you will feel differently when she is older.

The time I spend with my 11 yr old granddaughter is priceless . We chat about everything , she wants to learn to cook and sew and knit ( all things her busy Mum is really too busy to undertake). I shall miss her when she gets too old for our sleepovers.

Melanieeastanglia Fri 10-Aug-18 18:07:26

You can't help how you feel. Maybe you'll find it easier when she gets bigger and perhaps, to you, more interesting.

I am sure you are always kind and loving to your grandchild and that's the main thing.

oldbatty Fri 10-Aug-18 18:26:19

well said Melanie, the voice of reason.

rubytut Fri 10-Aug-18 18:38:52

We have no control on how we feel only what we do. You say the right things and although you do not want to have anything to do with children you do, that is all you can do so no need to feel bad.

MissAdventure Fri 10-Aug-18 18:56:39

I don't think its automatic to be enthralled by children.
I never have been and never will be.
I have said before, the love for my grandchildren was a very, very slow burn.

Maggiemaybe Fri 10-Aug-18 19:45:49

I don't really get this. Surely if you and your husband only saw your granddaughter once or twice a year as you say you want to, and never go to her house or have her over at yours, you wouldn't be seeing your daughter either? Or have I misunderstood?

Diana54 Fri 10-Aug-18 19:50:18

You have my sympathy Paula I've done my share of baby rearing, when another grandchild was born I phoned the mum offering any help that was needed and invited them to bring the baby when everything was settled. Usually after a few weeks I got my first viewing, although my daughters and myself are on very good terms they accept that babies are not my thing.
Older children are fine especially girls and I do take every opportunity to spend time with them, boys are OK up to about 10 yrs.

oldbatty Fri 10-Aug-18 19:55:53

What happens when they reach more than 10?

sodapop Fri 10-Aug-18 19:59:41

Abandon them in a forest oldbatty with no breadcrumbs for a trail 😁

MissAdventure Fri 10-Aug-18 20:03:13

Just be sure there's a gingerbread cottage in a clearing, first.

Maggiemaybe Fri 10-Aug-18 20:23:23

My lads'd never fall for that one - they know how it ends. grin

Jalima1108 Fri 10-Aug-18 20:44:55

If people don't particularly like children, don't bond with their own, why do they have any?

Jalima1108 Fri 10-Aug-18 20:45:57

I don't mean that to be unkind - there are many people who choose not to have children for whatever reason.