Miles away :-(

I guess that this is one of those examples of "expectation vs reality" which we often hear about on GN. There is this expectation that we'll all love our grandchildren , but sometimes it just doesn't happen.

You poor thing, it does seem that in this case you're going to have difficulty connecting with her. The language problem will probably be even more pronounced when she is in her own environment , and her bad behaviour won't be going away any time soon.

I wouldn't speak to your son or daughter-in-law about this , since they could be mortally offended by your comments about their DD. But maybe you could confide in your husband if you want to talk about it.

It's only three weeks - I'm sure you'll enjoy visiting Korea, it's a lovely place. Make the most of it and don't try to force any relationship with your GD. Once you accept that this isn't going to be the way you'd expected it to be with a grandchild, it may seem less awful to you. Good luck.

Thanks Stella1949. I think the key, as you suggest, is lowering my expectations, so that the happy times are a bonus. Yes, Korea is a really interesting country to visit, so maybe I should major on this.

Why can't you say how you feel to those closest to you? Do you speak to your husband, surely he feels just as distant. I have a grand daughter that I've forgotten tbh I've seen her maybe 3 times since she was born and she's now 13, I don't talk about her on here as there is nothing to say in all honesty but I do talk to my eldest son about her as She's his daughter and he doesn't see her either. There was a lot of animosity from his ex when they split, hence no contact but if she phoned me tomorrow I'd string a few sentences together and make her feel welcome. Just talk to her like you would any little kid, put the relationship to the back of your mind. You don't need the pressure just be yourself.

Your expectations are low so that’s really not such a bad thing!
I suggest you keep your feelings to yourself and you may be pleasantly surprised!
If your GD is in her own environment and hasn’t had to fly half way across the globe she may be more amenable.
I hope it goes well ?

FlexibleFriend my husband, who retired several years before me has been over 5 times in the last 3 years and is quite close to GD - when we do manage to Skype she always asks for him. He knows how I feel and is getting a bit fed up of what he says (perhaps truthfully) is my negative attitude. My brother, sister and sis-in-law also tell me that they don't see their grandchildren every day (they all live quite close to theirs) and I should just get over it - "it is what it is"

Hmm, getting over it is easier said than done I would think nannyb, I’m sorry your husband is struggling to put himself in your shoes, that won’t be helping. I wouldn’t be too concerned at your granddaughter seeming to prefer your husband, one of ours is the same, in fact I’m often body swerved around, we can laugh about it and accept it’s a phase. It may well change as she gets older and she matures, a development thing.

So, for the visit, I think there’s some good advice here, try not to go with expectations. Identify some things you can look forward to. You’ll be spending time with your son and his wife, positives there. Could you begin to speak about it to your husband more positively? Sometimes we can go some way to convincing ourselves if we focus differently. I’m not minimising your distress by saying that, just trying to think of strategies. Sometimes what we fear isn’t as bad in the reality.

Is there a friend you could trust to speak to? If not don’t forget we’re always here. We’ll listen and try to help. Chin up, go with a big smile and let us know how the visit went.

NannyB, the reason your DGD seems to prefer your DH is because she has seen more of him than you, which means she knows him better and perhaps he has found ways of communicating with her despite the language difficulties. because he is retired has he possibly been able to stay for longer periods?

You do not say whether you are retired but if you are in future you will be able visit together so that your DGD will have an opportunity to get to know you as well.

In the meanwhile why not think of activities that you can do with her. If she understands English, why not take over some children's books in English, colourful ones with lots of pictures. This will enable you to sit her on your lap and cuddle her while you read and talk about the books and encourage her to speak English as well.

The Korean education system is very competitive and if she is bilingual that will giver a tremendous head start and I am sure her parents will also be delighted for you to do that.

Your granddaughter is only 4 so too early to develop a real long distance relationship with her over Skype - it's also difficult to quantify tantrums and seemingly bad behaviour which probably isn't as regular as you might feel. If your husband has seen her several times it's obvious she will know him better than you. You don't say if you're actually staying with your family but if you are this will give you plenty of time to interact with her, at meal times, bedtime, bath time etc. If she understands English that's great even if she doesn't speak it at first at least you can read to her and join in play.

Have a wonderful time and try not to worry too much - let us know how it went when you get back!

She sounds delightful (not) however sending good wishes for your trip.

I don’t know how long it is since your granddaughter visited NannyB , but she’s a bit older now and may have got past the temper tantrum stage.

My son and grandchildren live in Sweden, (not as far as Korea but still means visits are limited). The 3 year old only speaks Swedish, but understands English perfectly. Communication is a bit difficult at times but I chat to her and read stories. If parents are there, I sometimes have to get them to translate, but if I’m minding her on my own, we get by. I’ve learned to understand a few words of Swedish and she’s beginning to repeat words in English if I ask her.

I’d be friendly but not pushy with her- give her a chance to get to know you. Over 3 weeks you may be gradually able to build a relationship. Best of luck and enjoy the trip.?

I agree with the idea of possibly doing some activities that might catch her interest, and then she might want to join in with you and feel more comfortable with you.

Could you bring some photos of her father as a baby and young boy, and talk about them a little.

How about a jewellery making kit for her age. If you knew a little about her interests, you could bring a lovely book or two. How about a simple musical toy.

Do you crochet or knit, might she like to learn.

Would cooking some simple cookies be possible.

If your overtures aren't welcome, try not to get upset or take it personally. You'll have tried. Just relax and enjoy seeing the country.

NannyB2604 What your Husband says may be truthful but not very understanding, he's been 5 times in 3 years of course He's developed a relationship and if this is your first visit are you supposed to replicate that via skype? I'd give him a poke in the eye tbh he needs to learn some empathy. I'm sure if the boot was on the other foot you'd try to be understanding. As I said she's a 4 year old you don't know, she's practically a stranger but she's your Sons daughter and you love your Son so give it time I'm sure you'll be fine.

I think Stella1949 has given you good advice.

I hope that three weeks in Korea will help you feel closer to your granddaughter.

I have a 3 year old granddaughter living in NZ and although I've only physically visited with her twice (the first time when she was just a few months old) we do have a lovely relationship. I send her books very regularly, often they are things to make or do type books, and my daughter FaceTimes me and the little one wanders in and out of shot. We chat, she shows me the things she's made or tells me what she's being doing. She always thanks me for the books I send and often asks about our dog or asks me if her grandfather is about. She's never forced to come to the screen to talk to me - just wanders about and engages with me, or not, as if I was in the room.

Perhaps, before you go to visit, you could Skype or FaceTime every day just for a few minutes? And when you do go why not take a few games or craft things so that you have some activities you can do together?

I hope the visit goes well and that you come back and tell us how you got on.

Thanks everyone for your tips. I've already done some of your suggestions on previous visits and have collected a few books to take with me. Games and swimming will be things we can do, though following knee replacement surgery I may have trouble keeping up (and crawling about on the floor is out).
Can't really Skype very often because of the time difference (and also she doesn't really do Skype, as either she's too tired or there are other things she'd rather do - she keeps trying to turn off Skype so she can watch cartoons on the computer!)
Here's hoping that a face to face visit goes well - wish me luck!

By the way, I also meant to say that before she was born I compiled a "Daddy growing up" photo book which they've hopefully still got and I could see if she'd like to look at it with me.

NannyB 3 of my DGC are American and so I know how hard it is when you don’t see them very often. We do Skype but I find it difficult.
My advice would be to reframe your visit.
Instead of focussing so much on the idea of visiting your DGD, try focussing on your son. He’s the one who will (hopefully!) be longing to see you. Don’t spoil things for him by getting upset because of your feelings about your DGD.
You can’t force a relationship with a child. Just be kind and gentle with her and take your lead from her and I think you will find everything falls into place.

reframe your visit is perfectly expressed janea ? ... and all the rest, too.

NannyB. Relax and take it all as it comes.

Thank you Ffin

Can you look forward to it as a visit to your son rather than concentrate so much on your grandchild? She is still very young and will get more interested in you as her grandmother over time. We only saw my mother's parents for a few weeks every year but did develop a good relationship, although I did find them a bit difficult.
Don't expect anything of your grandchild and just treat her as someone in the room and she will probably warm to you in her own time. It is quite difficult for children who are expected to be excited about speaking to someone or someone coming to stay and they aren't feeling it.
Enjoy your son and the country and the change of scenery and look forward to those things.

You can’t force any situation, we have to learn acceptance of things we can’t change, so just take a step back and see what happens. Let the child come to you, and build from there. You could download a speaking app converting English to Korean and that could be a source of fun for you both to bond over and learn from. Hope it all works out well for you and think of the future when GD will love to come to stay with her UK Granny.

When my DC were small, my parents live in another country too. they would visit about every two years, and spend their time saying how awful my DC were, how wonderful the other GS were, etc. I kept quiet. Some years later, in their dotage, the DPs came to live in UK near me. I saw them almost everyday, my DC visited them weekly etc. My DC were exemplary towards their GPs. DPs stillwhinged how awful my DC were, despite never ever hearing from the other GSs.
Count your blessing, don't criticise and treat the child as you would someone/thing needing taming - little by little. By the end of the 3 weeks, you may have built bridges.
Above all, lower expectations.
sorry this is a whinge but I was at the other end of the stick!

Just enjoy everything and don't worry about anything as you are on holiday there.
Take a very laid back and gentle attitude and just enjoy the sights and scenery.

Hi I am a ex teacher who also worked with children with English as their second language, you say she was born in 2014 so she is very young!don't feel bad about not knowing her,how could you?you live in different countries and language is also a problem!
Somethings are universal,a smile and friendly face, always start with this! Ask your son what she likes, and take a British goody bag,to show her where you come from,maybe a paddington bear, a toy from Beatrix potter, a little union Jack flag to wave, a picture book you can share,that does not need a lot of reading ,so you can tell what the word is in English and she can repeat it and tell you the Korean word,find a funny thing to take with you, like one of those daisies that wobble when the sun shines,or a funny puppet,these will be massive ice breakers,and it's a slow war to get you and her bonded.
Maybe when you come home send her a little parcel now and again,and you can talk about these on Skype.

You can learn Korean just like that!! Try odd words and gather to teach you,small children love that!
Start with hello,goodbye,thank you ,.

Use the time and enjoy it ,you will see into her world and she will be comfortable to share it with you!

Enjoy every minute!