outings

I don't feel I know enough of this story to "take sides" but I do remember how annoying it was when I'd stop my kids having something as a punishment perhaps and as soon as they'd got to my mother's house she'd give them whatever it was so they'd think of her as a friend, even though I had explained the situation to her. So there are varying nuances in cooperation between grandparents and parents that could be in play here.

Unless of course the daughter nearly drowned when a child supervised by her mother. If that is the case, I understand very well why she banns seaside trips!

Well, you do have to wonder!

OP, it makes no difference if YOU knew the children were safe - their mother did not. You seem to have no empathy at all with your daughter's feelings as a mother.

The baseline is that it does look as if she doesn't trust you and/or your brother for some reason. The only way to sort this out is to have a conversation with her about that. Defying her wishes and doing what you want is just going to result in fewer and fewer opportunities to see the children on your own - or it would do if I were in your daughter's position.

Frankly, if this is a genuine post, then I think OP was wrong to take the children somewhere her daughter had asked or told her not to.

BUT I do think the daughter should tell her mother exactly why the seaside is banned with her, if others may take the children there.

Unless of course the daughter nearly drowned when a child supervised by her mother. If that is the case, I understand very well why she banns seaside trips!

OP. Sorry you are getting so much negativity on your actions. The fact you were allowed to have them for the day means she trusts you to look after them. Could it have been your brother? Also if you have been given that responsibility you become the parent. My children can’t wait for me to have them for the day and do whatever I decide. In fact I get a lot of aggravation because they feel I don’t see or have them enough. You can’t win!

My mil, and my aunts who had no children of their, own, my mum too busy ??,were always available to take my chicks out for the day. I saw no or had any reason to not trust them. I never had any rules but I believe if as the mother I had rules then they would have been adhered to. It is after all the parent who knows what they want for their child not any other family members.

If someone took my child somewhere they knew they should not, it would be the last time they ever had my child alone.

OP, you betrayed your daughter's trust. It doesn't matter what her reasons are. These are her children, and you have no right to make decisions for them. You have no rights here at all. If you can't follow your daughter's rules, don't expect to see much of her kids.

If you never get to take your grandkids out for the day again, you will only have yourself to blame.

If she doesn't want you to take them to the seaside then don't, you are asking for trouble. You should have telephoned to say you missed the train, asking for trouble I think.

Readymeals I agree. In my family , my DD told me at the age of 30 that my sister's husband had sexually molested her when she was 12. When I asked with horror, why she hadn't spoken for 20 years, she said she was worried about upsetting my sister. People sometimes can't speak about horrible experiences - I think your daughter may have a similar story.

I'd suggest that you stop worrying about how awful your day was, and start finding out what your daughter's story is.

It's all been said really, you may well have jeopardized further trips by going against her wishes and then worrying her needlessly by being late. Whatever is going on, surely this sort of behaviour will only make things worse. I would certainly tread more carefully.

Bottom line is you really need to find out her reasons for not allowing you to take the children out. Could you offer to take her out for afternoon tea. Just you and her. So you can have a quiet talk with her on neutral ground. And make it clear to her that if she tells you her reason, that you will not overreact. If she feels she cannot tell you face to face, ask her if she will put it in a note to you. Tell her you want to fix whatever is wrong, and you will do whatever it takes to put it right. And mean it. And perhaps you can draw up some guidelines between you which you must adhere to so she knows she can trust you.

It might be some undisclosed (to you) historical abuse related to your brother that she didn't want to stir up trouble with. Maybe she is just worried about the kids changing for swimming at a place she knows your brother is working. Yes that's an extreme scenario but it is one possible explanation of why her reaction was so odd.

I agree with caocao -there is something concerning about the fact that your brother was involved. If your daughter can't talk about her reasons, stop and think that there may be a serious issue with your brother.

She doesn't sound quite right- has she got psychological issues? My parents had my two to stay throughout childhood- for which I was very grateful- and did loads of off the cuff trips out, telling me when I got them back. Very glad they had good time. Now I'm a grandma and never feel need to get permission for day out- I'd probably tell them if I knew, but if it just occurs to me, we go and do it.
Have you had any incident where they were harmed in your care? Had daughter been injured / stalked in her life causing her to be as she is? If so, I fully get her stance.
If not, I agree, she's totally ridiculous. BUT remember, they are her children and she can stop you seeing them if she gets in a strop. So unfortunately we do have to button it and play by others' silly rules at times in life so WE don't lose out. Grit your teeth and try to find out why she's so weird.

You should NOT have taken them somewhere that you knew she did not want you to take them - that goes without saying.

Her reasons for her not wanting you to take them there?

Well, if we look at the facts as given :

- you are allowed to take them to other places, but not the seaside

- she takes them to the seaside, so the seaside isn't an issue

- when you take them to the seaside you are probably going to visit the area where your brother, her uncle, lives and spend the day with him.

What is your daughters relationship with her uncle like?
Because looking at the bald facts, I would suggest that she doesn't want her children being taken to visit him.

AllTheLs and Grandmamoel - I don’t think the original post said that the other grandparents take the grandchildren to the beach. It seems the beach is an issue.

As others have said, something terrible could have happened at the beach in the past and unfortunately this is still too raw for her to disclose. Some people have suggested confronting her about her “personal reasons”. I strongly advise you NOT to do that.

I recall your post of April this year about lack of seeing your young grandchildren. You also stated that your SIL had died the previous September, therefore your DD is having to face the first anniversary of his death. Cut her some slack.
She was bound to find out about the day out anyway as the children would tell her.

Absolutely wrong to take the children to that resort without discussing first with daughter! It occurs to me that maybe she has a specific trauma around that place (as you said MIL can take them to a different beach) or does she have a problem with your brother? “Personal reasons” sounds like some kind of traumatic experience which your daughter has been avoiding discussing openly with you.
You should always respect the parents wishes even if you do not understand them.

Daughter's children, daughter's rules whether you like it or not.

Totally disagree with others saying it's out of order, apologise etc... your daughter needs to tell you why a trip to the beach is wrong and not just chastise you for being a good grandparent. She is lucky you are their to babysit and help her .granted these are not your children but she should still show you respect

Did you take your daughter to this same seaside when she was little? Did something happen while she was there? Does she have a problem with your brother? Your daughter has issues with this particular venue it seems to me and fears something similar happening to her children.
You really need to sit down and have a chat with her.

I fully understand your daughter being annoyed with you for taking them to the seaside when she has said no. What I don't understand is why others can. Did anything happen at the seaside when she was little?

Although I understand how you feel , going behind her back is a no no . For a day out by the sea you could jeopardise your relationship with your grandchildren and daughter .

Well, if other people are allowed to take them then I think you are entitled to an explanation as to why you're not!

That was in response to MawBroon

A* for English grammar?