Feeling used

In sort of the same situation with two DS. One seems to visit his widowed FIL almost monthly even though 150 miles away. Other goes on holiday with ILs. With one I have GD for most school holidays the other I have to travel 500 miles to see GS though I am left in charge a few times when D'S goes on holiday or if childminding is needed. At times I would like all of each family to visit but I don't dwell on it and relish the time I do have with DGC. Perhaps that is what you should do.

Why feel the need to compete with other grandparents ? just enjoy your GC and the time you have with them.
I suspect you wouldn't be complaining if your DD was on holiday with friends but it is the fact that other GPs are with them, jealousy is not attractive.

I can see why you feel like that. I think it's up to you really to carry on as you are, or decide to become less available.

I get the feeling though that becoming less available will not make you any happier, and could damage your relationship with your DD.

You could always chat about the holiday, how it went, was the weather good, did they like the location etc., then you could drop in the conversation how much you'd love to do something similar. Under no circumstance should you make her feel guilty about it as that could well turn into a situation where she'll keep things from you in future.

Enjoy the time you get to spend with your GC, it's precious.

Why are a lot of Grans on here jealous of time with the other Grandparents . For the first five years of my Grandson’ Life, I lived over 250 miles away and the only time I saw him was a few separate weeks when we went to them or they came to us. We now live about hours walk from them and I suppose we don’t get the long weeks, but the occasional day out. Is that the case with your daughter’s in laws?

My children (including my son when he was still talking to me) since they left home have always spent xmas and other special days with the inlaws or their friends - and that's because they have learnt that I hate cooking. If they're here they might get a pizza. If they go elsewhere they get turkey with all the trimmings! However, in recent years my daughter has started spending xmas morning with us on her way to her xmas dinner, and to me xmas is all about xmas morning and the presents So that is best of all worlds for me.

I imagine that they feel that they see you all the time. More of an effort has to be made to see relatives who are further afield. I bet the other grandparents are irritated that you see so much of the GC unsupervised!

I WOULD tread gently here - or it could blow up. you could suggest having a holiday together - doesn't need to be long. Just say how nice it would be to spend some time with them. From experience - be prepared to pay for the pleasure!!

Could get jealous about the amount of time we see our offspring and DGC compared to in laws but life is too short. Enjoy your time with the GC, you are lucky compared to a lot of GPs.

Families are developing all the time and what is usual now can be quite different in a few years time. Don’t spoil anything by overreacting.

YourDD has to get on with her MIL and its not always easy whereas you'll have to take a bit of neglect sometimes.

You are her mother and you can perhaps say you would like to spend a holiday with her and the children but would you really?

I suspect the inlaws are paying.

Marianne1953, I'm not jealous, just sad. My children saw my parents for 2 weeks eery 2 years or so. Then the DPs would go and holiday for a month or so with other sisters... Jealous, moi?

Yes do enjoy time alone with GC, it is so precious. A colleague is heartbroken after her sons marriage breakdown caused her DIL to move away with the GC and stop all contact.

I can't imagine anything worse than three generations on holidays together.

Do the other grandparents live abroad ? Might explain why holidays are spent partly with them. In which case the other grandparents might only see the children at those times unlike the OP who sees them on a fairly regular basis. Just a thought!

Make the most of time with grandchildren, they grow up so fast.
Two weeks at Christmas would be a very long time for some families! Just sayin' ...

This could easily be from my son's MIL - though I hope it isn't . He and his family including 2 GC have been to us two Christmases in a row, and we've taken them on a week's holiday for the last three summers. They live a long way from us, but very near the other grandparents, and the GC spend a lot of time with their other granny, who is very generous with her time when they need childcare.

The other side of this is that they live a long way away from us, and we never see them in 'normal' life. Visiting us also helps my son to keep up with other relatives here. And the holidays came about because we simply offered to rent a house so that they could come on holiday, which they can't afford to do themselves at the moment.

I have to say, though, if you're not happy with the amount of child care you offer, and are, as you say, feeling used, you need to have a discussion about that. Because it's only going to increase as the children get older unless you place a cap on how much time time you are able to offer.

Do they always go to your DD's PIL for Christmas?

If not, what about inviting them now for the coming Christmas?

You don't say how long any of this has been going on, so it may be difficult to change, but surely there is no harm in telling your DD that you would really like them all to come for a visit sometime and ask whether Christmas, Easter, autumn mid-term would suit?

What about a jokey “good to know I am useful / wanted for some things” conversation......

*Like the proverbial worm, turn, Find something pressing to do for at least part of that week and say you cannot cover all of it.*

Sure. Do this if you want to actually cause a rift.

I have had no direct contact from my son all summer. He used to send me a spreadsheet of their arrangements, and hope I could fill in some childcare gaps, but now the youngest is too old to actually need childcare. So no spreadsheet. Just update photos on f...book and whatsap. No doubt he will tick me off for not keeping in touch but it works both ways. Not needed for the other sets of grandchildren either as they have been with each parent. The time soon goes, so make the most of it while they are little.

It seems really unfair but possibly the other Grandmother is saying, "I never get to spend time with my grandchildren alone, my D-in-L is always there watching over me, I don't think she trusts me"?
I do understand though that you miss your DD and would like to spend time with the whole family.
Can you ask your DD if they would go away on holiday with you next year, or if it could be, "your turn" to have them for Christmas?
Do the other GPs live some distance and so it's not possible for them to, "pop in" as it is with you?
Sometimes, if you live very close to someone, you can have the perception that you're seeing a lot of them which is not actually true and your DD may just not have realised this.
Maybe these two times a year are all that the other GPs get to see of their family?
Talk to your DD but not with resentment and certainly don't find something else to do unless, as Bbbface says, you want to risk causing a rift.
Just say you miss spending with her and that it would be lovely if you could arrange a few days to spend with the whole family. Needn't be consecutive days if they live close by?

Why are we bothering to answer the OP when she’s never come back wth her response? ?

Suggest a weekend away together - using the rationale that whilst you see your GC often, you'd like some of the quality time with the entire family that the other set of grandparents get - just suggest a weekend for a start and see what response you get. If it's "well we don't have time for weekends away as well as longer holidays" then take the next step and say "OK then what about we come on holiday with you for a week for a change" - holiday arrangements tend to become a bit of a routine if you don't step in and show the other side as it were - in my case, the other grandparents have a habit of turning up (joining) daughter, SIL and grandchildren during their summer and half-term holidays just for a few days but nevertheless it always happens. I discussed this with my daughter because our involvement is always school drop-offs, pick-ups etc., and while it's great to have that frequent contact with GC often its frenetic and there's no real quality time. The outcome of the discussion was the knowledge that neither she nor hubby were happy with this 'stalking' but as it was becoming routine didn't know what to do apart from go abroad. This year, they booked somewhere far too small to accommodate anybody even on a sofa bed for their summer hols but the visits occurred in the half-term. So, check with your daughter whether it's mutually determined or whether it's something she doesn't actually want - she may be unhappy about it and welcome a chat with you to let you know this.

If you do not want to look after your DGCs just say so! If you want a family holiday then say so! Maybe a long weekend somewhere pre-Christmas if arrangements for this December are already fixed so you can have your own Christmas with the DGC..maybe somewhere like Centreparcs?

Be pleased that you DGC have lots pf people who love them!

Maybe your DDs PiL are easy going and cheerful. Emelle if you are a bit grumpy every time your DD sees you because you feel 'used' she is not going to choose to spend more time with you!

Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to give me your thoughts and suggestions. It has been really useful to get a different perspective on the situation.
Just to elaborate, the other Grandparents do live much further away than us although we we have over an hours journey to visit or look after the children.
We are lucky that the GC are happy to spend so much time with us and I do think that the other Grandmother is jealous of that too. I would like to spend some time with DD because as GoldenAge said it always feels a bit frenetic when we do the hand overs. I am going to suggest a family break next year and see where that takes us.

The outlaws often take our mutual DGC away to places that we certainly could not afford. The DGC say they have a nice time but have also let the cat out of the bag regarding the bad atmosphere that often prevails. We don't always hear about everything so it is wise to never assume that it is all sweetness and light because it really is not.
The outlaws also brag about all the things they have bought for the DGC but DDIL and DS roll their eyes and say quietly that quantity is no substitute for quality. Says it all really. Never compete, compare or measure because that is not what counts and jealousy can eat us up if we let it.

Good idea to suggest a family break for next year Emelle - and do keep it simple. We have done the same ourselves and it may happen and three again it may not.