Two wrongs.

You cannot change this person, why should she bother to change if she gets away with her behaviour? Just say ' goodbye'

Take her off your Christmas card list!!!

That WILL question again.

Battling a serious illness, which hopefully I am winning of course brings my mind back to the question of my will.

I do have a will, but I think it may be best to adjust it. The problem is my 2 sons, who unfortunately both have addictions. I feel not only will my hard earned money be wasted, but it will help them into an early grave.

The eldest son who is nearly 40 is a little more responsible and keeps a nice home, but the younger boy in his twenties lives in absolute squalor. Both have "Conditions", which the younger one was diagnosed with at 7, but the elder never diagnosed.

Elder son is very helpful and does my odd jobs for me, but his addictions I feel are now out of control. Neither will get help with addictions, or other issues. Both caused me lots of worry, but I am totally out of my depth, and in fact find it extremely difficult to be in younger son's company for very long. Addictions apparently are quite common with people who have these conditions.

I would like to leave them something, but I keep putting off making a new will because in a perfect world I would have liked to have left my beneficiaries all equal amounts, and my thoughts are that other family members could put the money to good use.

So depressing and upsetting.

Sorry I think I may have posted on someone else's thread. Apologies

As others have said, you don’t need to ‘keep turning the other cheek’. You don’t need to give up on the friendship completely, if you don’t want to, just be less available, don’t ring her, you can let her contact you and meet with other people, perhaps less frequently.

One friend of mine, who could be fun, was nevertheless EXTREMELY unreliable about everything, especially meeting me at the time we had agreed on. So I eventually decided that we would always meet at my house, or somewhere else when we were with mutual friends, so it didn’t matter if she was late or didn’t turn up. Much less stress for me and it was really her choice to either be late, on time or not turn up! Made everything much easier, and I could still enjoy her company occasionally but on my terms. ?

As she is a family member you may feel a "last goodbye" isn't possible as that was my first thought along with many here.

However, when I've been in situations like this I have taken the view and have said - people can behaviour however they wish, as badly as they wish. BUT - NOT in My Life Space and Not towards Me.

Working on that premise I have said 'I will not continue seeing you when I don't have to because you know you are behaving badly and that is abusive towards me (and may be others if appropriate). Just to clarify, if someone knows their behaviour is causing others harm/distress and they acknowledge it then Demand others accept their bad behaviour it is a form of abuse.

Therefore, may be think of something along the lines of "If you do not wish to change your behaviour and you don't have to, I will remove myself/ keep myself safe from your behaviour as much as possible by having less contact with you".

Or you could go for a really direct challenge and ask her 'What pleasure she gets from being an abuser?' She's likely to says she's not being abusive but you can stick with - yes you really are. And you are Demanding I/others put up with your bad behaviour rather than taking control of yourself."

It's sad that so often we find ourselves in a situation where someone is behaving badly and they either won't accept they are behaving badly or they don't want to change. In those situation we have to accept that one person can not change another person but we do not have to keep ourselves in their line of fire so to speak.

Good Luck and I hope with the suggestions here that you find a way to keep yourself safe and limit her ability to behave badly towards you.

I had a 'friend' who was always criticising me. My clothes, my diet, etc. She drained me and my life.
When she started criticising my husband I could take no more. I cut off all communication with her and feel a lot better now.
It is difficult with a family member, but you might be surprised how many other people find her difficult too.
For your own sake stop seeing her. She takes up too much of your thoughts.

Hello gmelon. I fear there are some ladies who should be called 'Mimi', as this is all they ever think of. I really would not bother to contact her, respond to her or indeed waste any thoughts or energy on this person at all. She knows perfectly well that she is upsetting and annoying you, and where in any kind of behavioural handbook is there is a section that says some people can keep on handing it out and the others just have to take it and smile. I feel really annoyed that she can say to you, quite blatantly, that you should tolerate her behaviour, as this shows that she clearly knows exactly what she is doing. I had a person in my life for about twenty odd years who was great fun - at times - but unreliable, and often extremely demanding. At a time of great stress for me, when some kind understanding would have helped enormously, I came to realise that the relationship was a one way street, and that I didn't need to take any more. I have never missed that 'friendship' as I know now how false it was and what a liability it had become.

Tell her you don’t care for her don’t care attitude and see as little as possible of her as you can.

Walk away and say nothing. My sister, with great sadness, finally walked away from a childhood friend, because the friendship had become nothing but complaints and demands from the 'friend', who couldn't see the problem.

My gut response follows your thread 'why bother' - however having taken a breath and thought........is she ill, how long has this behavioural change gone on? Is anyone else noticed / been subject to this pattern? I am just thinking of conditions that can manifest with behaviour changes........

Sounds like hard work. You don't need it, so give the big 'E' unless you somehow like this bully.

If your thoughts are Why bother Don't bother you can only put up with so much

Any relationship should be built on mutual respect, giving it as much as receiving it ... if you are not getting it, then why give it ? Just not worth the anguish these sort of people create and life’s just too short .....

Your enabling her by staying in the drama of this behaviour of hers. She isn't a friend either. Friends don't do this.

I would stop all contact and not buy into the up the anti drama she tries.

If you really want to say something here's one of my stock phrases "JADE = don't Justify Argue Defend or Explain.

She has power over you because you allow it. Take the power back

gmelon So sorry this is a relative, that's more awkward. Can you, despite inward frustration and even rage, look outwardly rather benign and faintly as if you haven't really been listening? I try, when I remember, to put on my Queen Mother smile and look serene and also I just give up talking. When politeness requires a response, try a rather old fashioned "yes dear" reminiscent of a slightly fey but kindly aunt. Basically you're just opting out but with a sweet smile. It makes me feel superior! Tut tut.

I wouldn't reply to that at all: it's goady.

You wont gain any insight from going down that rabbit hole

Friendship is a two way relationship which should be positive in outcome for both parties.
definition
a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.

She is not a friend and seems to me to be a bully. Don't put up with it.

Exactly! Why would you bother with someone for whom you are either an audience for her bad behaviour and sanctimonious platitudes or a target for her poisoned arrows. You don't need a smart retort you just need to leave the so called 'friendship'. Do it quietly as you will never have the last word with someone like that.

This may be difficult but effective. Simply change your own reaction to her behaviour. This might be something quite minor but the suprise the other person gets when you behave in a different way to what is anticipated is often enough to change the dynamic. Good luck. If this doesn’t work I’d be inclined to walk away, however only you can make that decision.

Yorkshiregirl. I don't know if you have now posted your will question on another thread. But could you leave your money in a trust for your sons which would pay them a monthly amount to avoid them wasting a single large payout.

?

Once someone starts behaving like that - family or or friend - I start to put distance between us.

I remain polite, but that is all. I was told recently that I put others before myself far too much, which is true. So not wanting to get stressed or resentful, I am now backing away to a distance to which I feel comfortable.

Thank you all so much. I am seeing things clearer . Very helpful advice.

Sorry to hear that many if you are in similar positions. Wishing you the best with your situations.