Dil won’t let me be grandma

Actually Sadgranma I think you are really lucky. I honestly don’t mean this in a nasty way, but as others have said it genuinely sounds like you are trying to take over. If you are going over to see them Christmas Day afternoon, then I don’t see why you think you have the right to go Christmas morning. They probably want Christmas morning to themselves, especially if it’s his first Christmas. There are hundreds of grandparents that won’t have the chance to see their grandchildren at all over the Christmas period. You repeatedly say HER in your post, the point is, it is HER child do do as she pleases. My advice would be back off, before it causes more problems. I can clearly feel when reading your post that you obviously don’t like your daughter in law, she’s probably picking up on this.

Alleykat I think most people answering on here have lots of empathy but for the daughter in law not the seemingly over reacting mother in law
This really is a non thread the grandmother is staying most of Christmas Day but that’s not enough She sees the child regularly but that’s not enough She wants to be a hands on granny and that may well come in time if she stops the push push push and the putting down of the new mother the way she’s going she will end up cut out of their lives completely, a self fulfilling prophecy

gmelon are you for real, how old are you with a stupid and cruel remark obviously you people with these nasty remarks have no empathy or sympathy or understanding. Unless this grandma has done something drastically bad to this daughter inlaw then she should be include in whatever, but it is obvious that the new mum wants only her own mother and friends to visit she was happy in the past to visit but somehow having the baby has changed her.. nothing wrong with calling the baby her grandchild what other name is she going to call it when she talks about the baby it is her grand child.. Sounds to me like the new mum is the selfish one..

My only daughter emigrated to New Zealand when she was 17, got married and her first child was born when she was approaching 20. I was with her and her husband throughout the birth – a great privilege and quite a nervous time for me. Although I had been able to visit in the interim, I did not emigrate to New Zealand for another 14 years, during which time she had four more children.

Obviously, my son-in-law's parents had far more contact with their grandchildren than I did. Also, because they are New Zealanders and some ten years younger than ex-Mr absent and me, were named in my daughter's and son-in-law's will as guardians in the event of death. (I think they still are.) This was all, of course, eminently sensible, but I did feel an uncomfortable little tweak of rejection – which soon, and quite rightly passed.

Now I live some 15 minute's drive from absentdaughter's house, a five-minute walk from the younger boys' school, a 20-minute walk from the older girls' schools and a four-minute walk, even with a three-year-old, from number 6's pre-school. I see most of my grandchildren far more often and far more regularly than their other grandparents who live some considerable distance away. Do they feel deprived or resentful about this? Of course not because they know how valuable grandparents can be, they rejoice in visits from their grandchildren when they spoil them, play with them and do lovely things together that are special to that part of the family. Do I get upset when the children tell me what a wonderful time they had in Grandma's pool, when Grandad helped them roast marshmallows or how much they miss Grandma and Grandad. Of course not.

It's a bit like the slogan saying that dogs are not just for Christmas. Grandchildren are not just newborns. If things go in the normal pattern, they will become toddlers, children, adolescents, adults, parents and grandparents themselves, although we shall probably not be around to see and share all those stages.

You have to go with the times and the circumstances and be the best grandparent that it is possible for you to be – for all their lives, even if they decide to ignore or reject you. But grandchildren grow and develop their own ideas about life and eventually become adults. Do what seems loving, caring and right whenever you are with your grandchild and you will both benefit.

Smileless op is not being cut out in any way though. So what if the dil doesn't like the dd, she might not be very likeable.
The op is seeing them most of the day Christmas day, yet she is nut happy with this. That absolutely shows how she behaves.

Op 30 mins is fine. Actually pretty long. Your dil is not an incubator for you. This is her child.

I also wouldnt accept long term regular child care from you op. Yes your house might be great but you are pushy. And that will lead to massive amounts of tension if you are providing childcare. It's will work better this way.

"Dil won’t let me be grandma."

Sadly it's your expectations on being a grandma that are preventing you from being a grandma. . You had your turn to parent as you pleased. Leave your DIL to parent HER child the best way she sees fit.

Can we say 'I totally feel your good'?

But “I totally feel your bad”? What does that mean then?

I must lead a sheltered life

My bad - I should get out more.

MY BAD: informal: used for saying that you accept that you are wrong or that something is your fault:
"You brought the wrong book." "Okay, my bad. I'll go get it."

The thing is, the OP hasn't been cut out. She's seeing her GC, spending almost all of Christmas Day with them. She's not being 'cast aside', she's just not getting her own way.

I have sympathy for those that have been cut off from families, I think it's unnecessary (other than in situations where a child is at risk, obviously). But that's not the case here at all, the OP wants more than is being offered. Being a grandparent is not a right, just because your child has a child you do not automatically get to feed/bathe/babysit them. That depends on the relationship between the adults involved.

And also, why is it always assumed it's the evil DIL at fault, not the son? If I were to try to push out my MIL then my DP would have enough of a backbone to stand up to me. So either there are some men who just can't be bothered to stand up for their mothers, or maybe they agree with their partners?

Maybe some of these MILs who have DILs who have 'cut them off' actually have sons who are just as responsible. Maybe they just use their partner as an easy excuse as to why they won't let their mothers babysit, I'm sure saying 'that's what my partner decided' is easier than admitting to your mother that actually you don't want her to have your child alone.

I think that sil in first post was a typo. She meant dil.

Surely misprint for DIL it is, after all the next door letter on the keyboard.

Jalima1108

In her first post The OP clearly refers to the SiL in question as a she, therefore sister-in-law.

As I understand it, the phrase 'My bad' is an Americanism which has (unfortunately) spread and means 'My fault'.

Bluebell sadly holding back and accepting what is offered doesn't always reap the rewards you might expect.

Holding back is turned on its head and becomes 'you're not interested in your GC', 'you don't care".

I feel for the OP. I feel for the AC, d.i.l. or s.i.l. who doesn't understand the importance that all GP's have in their GC's lives. I feel for the GC who are deprived of loving GP's whether entirely or because of limited and closely monitored visits.

I find the suggestions on this thread that the OP or any GP feeling as she does is not well adjusted, ill informed and cruel.

I find the overall tone of this thread distasteful and if this is the first experience of GN for the OP, I wouldn't be at all surprised if it's her last.

Maggiemaybe
You ask I wonder if they'd speak to someone face to face like that when they were asked for help
Yes I would and have.
My dearest friend had a problem with her daughter for years. I could always see the problem but never said anything, then one day the issues came up again in conversation: I told her straight what I saw as the 'problem'.
I could see the shock/ discomfort on her face but kept going.
She didn't say a word and after a while left. She came back to me a few days later and told me she had given my opinion a lot of thought and could see where their relationship had gone wrong. We hugged and she thanked me.
Fortunately we are so close that she knew my opinions were coming from a place of love for her and her daughter and the words just had to be said.

sadgranma I do understand that the excitement of being grandma & of wanting to share in the special moments e.g. bath time etc of your grandchild & from what you have said I do think your DiL could be a bit more thoughtful in inviting you for coffee every so often to see DGS but there are 2 sides to every disagreement.

If you have been an over-enthusiastic Granma maybe DS & DiL are not confident you will follow their routines and approaches which, as new parents, are VERY important to be kept.

I have 2 DDs and 4 DGC and it is true they see me often and I do far more support than other grandparents. However even though they are my DDs I respect their right to choose how to parent even if I am not in total agreement. So lips are zipped and advice only offered if requested! At celebration times I do not expect to be involved or invited … I have been, often, but length of time/meals/no meals etc varies to suit their plans not my wishes.

I have been reflecting on my relationship with my MiL when DD1 was born. She was low key, never offered advice just beautifully hand knitted matinee jackets, bonnets & bootees and the offer to do ironing if I felt tired and a shepherd's pie when I eventually got out of hospital! DH negotiated with my mum and his mum a 10 day support programme for me when I came home from hospital!
We visited them regularly ..easier that way as DH had a car they did not! but we did see my mum more often.

Sadgranma....I feel so sorry for the situation you're in, and sorry for some of the responses you've had on here.

I was in the same situation a few years ago...my son got with a girl who had a child, and we babysat, bought the girl things, took her out, etc. Then, my son and the girlfriend had a baby together. I was thrilled as it was my 1st grandchild. The mother never once let either my husband or me give the baby a bottle, hold her, change her, babysit, push the pram, etc, Not once. Like you, we don't smoke, have a clean home, and are good people. We used to be invited to go round to their house once a fortnight (fair enough), but for one hour only. That all continued until they had a 2nd child. They split up when the 2nd baby was a year old. Then, my son had the children every other Sunday. Only then did we get the chance to give the baby a bottle, change a nappy, push the pram - the 1st child was 4yrs old by then.

Now, we see both children every other weekend (when my son has them both) and we go out with my son and his girls, go to parks, for meals, etc.

I hope that things get better for you, Sadgranma, BUT you must maintain a good relationship with your SON, above all else. He is pivotal in all this. Let them call the shots, and try not to be seen by your DIL as being critical or interfering. Good luck.

Being a grandparent is not a competition.

it beggars belief that a normal well adjusted grandmother would interpret being invited for Christmas dinner and all afternoon and holding the baby for half an hour at a stretch as being “cut out”.

Any well-adjusted grandmother would not put that interpretation on it.

I’m afraid OP definitely has missed the point and no amount of our persuasion or positive advice is going to remedy that ...

As I said before, how much time they spend with the other GPs is not your concern. We visit my parents 3 to 4 times a year. We visit Hubby's parents every few years as they live in the UK and we are in Canada. We simply can't have "fairsies". Have you considered that maybe they are spending more time with DIL's parents as a result of them having disabilities? Their life expectancy may well be shorter than yours. They may be trying to spend what time they can get with them.

Do not get involved in the dispute between your DIL and DD. You cannot mediate between two grown adults. Again, their dispute is not your concern.

As far as wanting to bathe and feed and change the baby, those shouldn't really be things a GP expects to do. They can offer, but then don't get upset if the parents say no. This is their child. Not the GP's child. They are under no obligation to let anyone else hold or care for their child.

I am sorry for my remark Maggie, but it beggars belief that a norma lwell adjusted grandmother would interpret being invited for Christmas dinner and all afternoon and holding the baby for half an hour at a stretch as being “cut out”.

I find it difficult to square that usage of “cut out” with the experiences narrated on the estrangement support thread.

If someone other than my child’s father was complaining about not getting to do intimate personal care of the child such as bathing and changing nappies, I would find that extremely odd. It would certainly not encourage me to accommodate further requests for “unsupervised” time with a very small, indeed apparently preverbal, child.

I am struggling to see how these fairly basic and normal boundaries in what sounds like a completely objectively normal grandparenting relationship amount to being “cut out” and “not being allowed to be a grandma”.

I really am having difficulty believing that anyone’s MIL behaves like this.

Sadly I think OP has missed the point and is still defensive, believing herself to be in the right and DIL the devil incarnate.
As an example of competitive grandparenting it is heartbreaking
“I am more able bodied than DIL’s parents”, “DIL hates my daughter and is constantly taking the baby out of our arms after 20-30 minutes. ‘‘
This baby is not a doll or a parcel in a party game! Allow a mother to know what is best for her baby, please!
I don’t know how old this baby is but as you may remember when you have carried your child inside you for 9 months letting go at all is difficult!
As for arranging child care that is their business - what part of back off do you not get?
You don’t get it at all do you?

Sadgranma you really are as your GN name suggests.
Try to be happy.
For every negative you also have a positive.
Your grandchild (fingers crossed) is healthy.
He has a caring mother and father.
He has loving grandparents on both sides.
And an auntie who also loves him.
Your cup runneth over.

Look forward to your christmas visit.
Try very hard to be helpful with the washing up etc, if your son and daughter in law are cooking.
They will have had an early start whereas you will probably have been able to get up at your leisure with no cooking!

Be content with just seeing your grandson and be very smiley and of good cheer keeping your hands in your pocket and lips zipped Lol.
Praise your son and daughter in law as parents and hosts.

You could take some glove puppets and engage with your grandson without actually having him on your lap.
Little ones also like bubbles.
Can you get down on the floor and play with him and his toys.

You may well be pleasantly surprised that after a few visits your son and daughter in law will feel happier.