Dil won’t let me be grandma

You must try and remind yourself that this is your grandchild and NOT your child. All of your references are of MY grandchild and it makes you come across as a very possessive person. As you only live two minutes away from them I can see that your DiL is probably worried that if you had your own way every time it would become a real problem.
As you are seeing them on Christmas day anyway I can't see why you are disappointed. You are far luckier than some grandparents who don,t see their grandchildren for long periods of time. Count your blessings and accept what you can have rather than what you cannot.
Be there for them, but don,t force things. I think the fact you live so very close to them is the real problem here, and your DiL might feel you are trying to take over her role .....people need a breathing space.....not space invaders.

I have to agree with gmelon. I hope to see my grandchildren for Christmas afternoon and dinner, and that's enough for me. Never ever give your dil advice! Maybe you could phone her and promise to stop giving advice and explain you just want to be a loving grandma.

I agree with FlexibleFriend and with what most others are saying.
It didn't originally sound as if you were seeing them on Christmas Day but you are, just not on your terms.
Parents have the right to ask for their children's photos not to be put on social media. It is open to everyone and many parents are uncomfortable about that. There may also be people that they have not shown photos to yet and they want to be the ones to do that.
I try to see both sides of a situation but I can't see your point of view at all on this. No one can have everything they want. You are involved in the child's life, you are not going to be alone at Christmas. Time to count your blessings and stop complaining.

Uneasy not Neasden, should check before pressing Post!!!!

Please back of before you end up being told you are not welcome .
Is your son your only child ? There is a saying that a daughter is a daughter all their life but a son is only a son until they take a wife and may be it’s time to look at your life and fill it with other things .
I am a gran and greatgran to a large family and my rules for myself are , accept that they have a life separate from us , respect their choice of partner , be available when they need you and only give advice if they ask always including the words “ but that’s only my views “

Guessed from title of this post it would be about dil/mil problem. So sad when you both love the same person (son) but remember the old rhyme - a son is a son till he takes a wife. This will almost always apply and unfortunately still applies when grandchildren arrive.. I am so fortunate having two wonderful dils BUT I try to remember I will never take the place of their mums. I had an Neasden relationship with my mil and now at age 81 have regrets about that, I guess with lots of people that will always be the case. Sad or what.sad

Sadgranma
You are not the mother and it is she who makes the rules, not you.
You sound very interfering to me, giving un-asked for advice, expecting her to prefer you to look after her child rather than nursery, being critical of her decisions.
They are a separate entity now. You brought up your son to be an independent adult but you still expect to have some say in their life.
That isn't always how it works. Be glad when invitations are offered but don't be bitter about them wanting some degree of separation. Your DiL will always gravitate to her own family, especially her mum.

Your grandchild is not a doll to play with, it’s his mother’s child. I bet you want him alone...to do things your way. You are so lucky that you still get to see him if after agreeing to spend a considerable time with you on Christmas Day, you still feel cast aside.
Stand back, take your cue from your DIL, compliment her on her great parenting and stop making her child all about you.

Well, as the saying goes, there are two side to a story. I have four grand children myself and fell out with my dil on a family holiday when she had the first child and was pregnant with her second. We did not speak for several years in which time she had two further children. My son kept me updated about their progress and provided pictures. I never said anything negative about her nor got involved with their personal issues. Finally, she came round and she and all my grand children spent Christmas with me last year and since then I see my grand children every weekend which is marvellous. Although they run me ragged!!! I love them. What I would advise is that you step back and let them come to you if they need you. At least you can get information from your son. I am sure there is a reason your dil is so hostile towards you.

I had this social, media posting of pictures explained to me . While the parents have a set number of friends who see their posts and that is tightly controlled they have no control of other people posting pictures of their children and who may be seeing them . People they don't know about but who maybe your friends but not theirs. I understand this in this day and age.

Your SIL? Surely not. You can't be the grandmother of your SiL's child and can't be Son in Law as you refer to 'her' not 'him'.

I think you need to be grateful for all the visits you get and allow your DiL to find her own way. When my DiL had her first baby she was nervous, unsure and also turned to her own mum. I felt hurt at the time but backed off and was happy to see them when we were invited.

Now my DiL has her second baby she is much more confident and is happy to have us around to help out. She even invited me to stay when my DS went away for a couple of days to help out. We got on well as I took her lead. I was also asked to go down for a weekend when they were away to help her mother out with the two children.

Patience pays off in the end. But as the other posters say - never, never give advice. If she has told you you can be overbearing believe her and try to change. Things have changed since we had children and ideas on upbringing have also changed. Just try to go with the flow, only help out when asked, let them know, however, how proud you are of them for producing a wonderful grandchild for you but remember first and foremost he is theirs not yours. Grandchildren are not a right but a bonus.

Well I think the OP has given us all a masterclass in how to completely alienate a DIL. She just wants what's best for her grandchild? Good lord - I am sure her DIL wants what's best for her child and she has obviously decided that the OP is not it !

I totally feel your bad, my son’s ex partner stopped all contact in June this year and even though we have helped him by getting a solicitor on board, several letters and lots of money spent he is now having to go to court for a contact order, she hasn’t given any valid reason and is now saying that his daughter is pleading not to see him, my granddaughter is just 3, the worst part is that the ex lived with us for over 2 years, the first 6 months of my granddaughter life she lived here with us, the ex moved on very quickly to a new partner and has another baby and until June he/we saw her every weekend... it breaks my heart not seeing my granddaughter and it’s been a really difficult time for my son( he’s only 23) and we shall fit all the way.

Sadgranma - oooh - giving advice is a minefield! New Mums are notoriously thin skinned when it comes to other people offering 'advice' however well meant it is! Becoming a MIL usually means learning to keep your advice (unless solicited) firmly to yourself! Doubly so when it comes to the DGC! My advice would be to keep your no doubt well meant guidance to yourself unless your DIL actually asks for your advice. Abide by what ever rules your DIL has for your DGC so that she doesn't feel you would undermine the way she wants her child to be brought up. I know it is tempting to think us GP's know best but things have changed since we had our own DC and we need to recognise this.

Your whole letter smacks of possessiveness. Suggest you back off.

NEVER GIVE ADVICE TO YOUR DAUGHTER IN LAW.

If she asks your opinion on something always reinforce her ideas. Just be there giving support, never suggest or give opinions unless specifically asked. I can't emphasise this enough. You may want the best for him but how do you know your ways are the best!

It is a little boy Maggiemaybe. The way he is constantly described as "My grandchild" sounds very hard, as though she has claimed him as her possession. I think any other poster would have perhaps referred to him as the baby or the little one

One lesson I have learned is never give advice unless asked for it.

Maggiemaybe, I think posters were getting the impression that she sees the baby as hers rather than her son and DILs. I think from all the repetition of him being 'my grandchild' and the sense of entitilment to visiting/feeding/bathing/time alone. It's almost like the OP is jealous of his parents and wants to parent him.

I guess it's sort of the difference between my mom and MIL. They both say 'my granddaughter/child' but MIL doesn't have the tone of possessiveness or say the same entitled things that my mom does? Like my mom will say a lot of 'give me MY granddaughter', 'well she is MY granddaughter', the OP comes across like that. I don't know if I've put that across very well.

Sorry, she uses “my grandchild”, not “my grandson”. Is this what makes the difference? Still .

I don’t disagree with the majority of posters on here, and do think that the OP should take several steps back.

But I’m puzzled by those who criticise her for referring to him as “my grandson”. Without naming the child, what else should she call him?

If you had your way I suspect your GC would be living with you and the parents would be allowed the occasional visit

Sounds like it to me too Newmom! .

I’ll be seeing them Christmas afternoon. And for dinner. So I won’t be able to pop by in the morning if my dil has her way

I hadn't even seen this part until just now. This is either a wind up or you have seriously lost the plot. You're seeing them for half of the day! That's more than enough. Seriously, get a puppy or something because you need to leave the poor family alone to have some space. They obviously want to have Christmas morning at home as a family. That's their own little family, the three of them. Let them have that and stop being so spoilt. It's not like you aren't getting to see your GS on Christmas, you're seeing them for most of the day, that's way more than a lot of grandparents get.

If you had your way I suspect your GC would be living with you and the parents would be allowed the occasional visit.

Overly dramatic posting I think 'cast aside' is obviously not true as you are invited to your son's home for Christmas. Many people who are estranged from their families would give their eye teeth for your privileges.
Back off now Sadgranma you do come across as overbearing and needy. Allow your family time to enjoy their baby without unnecessary interference.