Paying for occasional baby sitting to grand parents & how a child minder could impact this arrangement?

It's many years since my eldest GD needed looking after (the other two are on the other side of the world) but we would never have expected to be paid when we did. When my own sons were small my parents looked after them a couple of days while I worked but again didn't pay them - we couldn't have afforded to anyway as we had no money!

In your situation you are in you will soon have another baby to look after - will your MIL then need 'double time' pay for the extra care?! Your FIL sounds very money grasping I'm afraid. I think you both have to bite the bullet and tell them that you can no longer pay for their 'services' although taking on an au-pair will surely cost you even more?

I've been looking after grandchildren for over 20 years now, the older group no longer need 'minding' but we have four tinies who do. Like most of the grandparents we know, we do one full day (7.30 - 6 or later) a week, plus occasional sleep overs here or at the homes of our grandchildren.
I don't know any grandparents who are paid for helping with their grandchildren. The cost of child care is a huge part of the parents wages and any help to reduce that must be helpful.
It seems it's time you had an honest discussion with your parents in law, to help them understand the financial pressures your'e under. Baby sitting circles seem to be a thing of the 70's but they could be brought back even more easily now with mobile text messages, what sap groups etc. In addition to baby sitting circles, I regularly swopped with friends especially during long school holidays. One of us would have 5 or more children each day, so the others could get to work without paying a fortune.
Best of luck with this one

Why would you expect to be paid to spend time with your grandchildren? It's the weirdest thing Ive ever heard a AND the grandfather sounds controlling! If you are saying you are happy for them to drop in whenever anyway they can't say they wouldn't be able to see them if the paying stopped and it sounds as if you genuinely can't afford it so just say that and it's up to the grandparents what they then do.

I think a frank conversation is needed here. Firstly talk to your husband about the expectation of his father to be paid for time spent helping you and the family. Once you have reached an understanding there you can jointly talk to your parents in law. I do think this is quite greedy to expect these amounts for helping. Paying expenses such as petrol etc is one thing or if one of them had given up a job to provide regular child care then I would be more understanding. I think you have to be up front and say you cannot afford to pay this and you will look for alternatives but they are always welcome to visit.

Aggie I always pay my own fares and pay for the grandkids too when they come to visit me I think it’s my privilege what better way to spend your money on than your darling grandkids
I ve got one flying over end if this week then I will take her back the following week It’s unbelievable to me and the poster must come from a very different background to mine
You ve set a difficult precedence to change Mammy without upsetting the in laws

If my calculations are.right we should be owed enough to retire to a very nice villa in a posh part of France . We help out because we love the Gkids.

A no strings arrangement with a third party would feel better. If your inlaws want to see the children they can. A baby sitting group is ideal.as.suggested by Grannyknot.

How would a full time au pair work out if you and OH need time together ? She would be living in your house and getting paid for that , plus loss of privacy ? Mil is getting well over the rate for enjoying your child . I have had to fly over to help out and even paid my own fares .

Sorry, I have no advice 're this complicated (and frankly, odd) situation.

Just wanted to say to SueDonim - I was also involved in a 'Babysitting Club' - each family kept wooden beads (mine were strung on an old knitting needle) and we "paid" for babysitting with a bead per hour. If you had no beads, you had to build up your "bank" again by looking after someone else's children. It worked so well. Life was simple in those days.

I am not sure, from the way you write, whether you are in the UK. Please be very careful of using au pairs for more than a few hours for child care. They are usually not qualified or trained in caring for children and don't have the resources and understanding that a child care professional does (though I am aware that terms for people who care for children can vary).
It also sounds as if you and your husband need to start from scratch in discussing how your children are cared for.

I too have looked after my 3 grandchildren for many years ( they are 12,10 and 8) I do 1-2 days and nights per week depending on shift patterns and have gone since they were weeks old. I also do full weeks during school holidays and take my own holidays from work to fit in with this. I occasionally do weekends to give DS and DDiL a night off/out. I don’t have much of a social life myself so nothing spoiling . I wouldn’t dream of asking for money to do this . They are MY grandchildren not some strangers . It seems very odd expecting to be paid for the pleasure of spending time with your own grandchildren.

Never heard of anyone regularly paying their parents to be with their flesh and blood in my life
I ve done baby sitting duties for 21 years to 7 (even sometimes involved going to another country) but never ever expected any money for it it’s my privilege to be with my kids kids
You have actually encouraged this by starting out coughing up these amounts, whatever next, perhaps you ll have to pay them to come to dinner
I don’t know how you stop something once it’s started unless you just say honestly I m afraid we can’t afford it any more What on earth does your husband think about his parents wanting money for being with their grandkids I m so shocked
I don’t have much money now I know why I should have turned my grandkids into a business...disgusting in my eyes

Thank you for the advice.

To be honest the money is now becoming an issue as where do we draw the line?

For example last week husband had a small medical procedure and was sedated. I was working a 14 hour shift and couldn’t leave work. His parents collected him, MIL came to our home at 6pm with him & they collected GC. Both husband and GC went to bed at 8.30 (so 2-3 hours most “baby sitting)

My shift wasn’t over until 1am MIL stayed over as husband had been sedated as a precaution. This will cost me €50 under the current agreement.
But the reality is this is parents minding their son, not actually baby sitting. I work more hours tuergite earn more than husband and pay for all childcare both Creche & PIL.

Re the date night to be honest it’s juat a reason to leave the house not focus on the washing up / chores etc , we don’t have to spend money it’s more about in interrupted time together. Which is working for us this far. But definitely not something I’d even have the energy for when baby arrives!

Thinking an au pair would be able to help cover for us maybe one evening so we can have a take away etc together as suggested.

I spend a lot of time with my grand children - but I wouldn't even use the term "babysitting" since it's my pleasure to spend time with them. I'd never dream of accepting money for doing it.

In your situation it seems that FIL is the one who is insisting on the payment. And you probably aren't going to change that situation.

Since your money situation is getting tighter, I'd be looking at other options such as an au pair. Get your husband to tell his mother honestly, that you can't afford to pay her any more, and that you'll be using another option. Don't let him beat around the bush - he needs to tell her straight and then close down the conversation.

Just a tip - re the date nights. If you are having marital problems, going out and spending even more money on dates isn't going to make it better. Just a thought from my own experience.

My first reaction is that your FIL is not the boss of your MIL and telling her what she should/shouldn't do is not on! Surely she can make up her own mind?

Personally, I wouldn't dream of accepting money for babysitting my GC but as you don't mention your IL's financial situation, it may be that they need that extra income, however small, so that's a factor I'd consider.

I think I'd approach it by saying (or your Dh could say it, as they are his parents!) that finances are going to be tight when the new baby arrives and you won't be able to afford to pay for babysitting, or only a reduced amount. I certainly wouldn't argue about it. I can't see that anyone would be a winner if that were to happen.

Then I'd also take a look at the date night aspect anyway. Are there other things you could do instead of going out? Setting aside a regular evening to have a take away meal, sharing some wine and watching a nice film at home could be an alternative arrangement. I know it's not the same as physically going out but it's a compromise and anyway, I don't suppose you'll want to go out that much with a brand new baby - I remember always been exhausted by the evening and ready for bed myself! Babies grow up pretty quickly too, and you'll soon be able to go out again and enjoy yourself.

Another thought is that maybe you could join a baby sitting circle, although I have no idea if they are still a 'thing'. That was my main source of babysitters when my children are small plus it was free.

I do hope other Gransnetters come along with some alternative ideas. Good luck!