Hard-to-handle grandaughter

I would have physically removed her from that garden, too. Kicking and screaming if necessary.
Were you unable to for some reason?

There is basically nothing wrong with this child. She just isnt her brother

Reception is very stressful on some children and they hold in that stress until pick up and then sort of blow a fuse once its safe to do so (in their mind) at pick up.

This behaviour is well within "normal" for reception. Children get plunged into the pressures of school too young.

As others say, physically remove from danger, and understand that this is how this age group express that they had a stressful day at school.

If you cant do that, dont have sole care of them.

My grandson has a tendancy to ignore you when being asked to stop. I usually march over - grab his hand or wrist and physically pull him a way to a quiet spot. Give him the look, tell him 'that is enough' and stomp on still holding his hand. If he tries to pull away he has to agree to walk properly. I rarely lose it with the GK - I am reknowned for being soft! However - sometimes, when occassion demands it, I do let rip. I think the shock tends to work. My 'trigger' is if they are rude or pushy with their mum.

I have always insisted on holding my DGCs hands in certain situations. I often say it's because I'm old and I worry about them. This has led to confrontations, on one occasion I stood for nearly 10 mins at the corner of a road because GS wanted me to let go and wouldn't walk until I did, and I wanted to hold his hand because it was a busy road and I was worried. He is a very strong character and only gave in after a long wait.
I think you need to find something you can use to change your Gds behaviour. She seems to be immune to disapproval and shouting. Rewards and praise may be the answer. I know that sounds odd but believe me it works. Try to find something positive to greet her with (ask your DD for anything she has done well). Try to find something positive in her behaviour - "You've remembered your book bag" or something like that It would be better if you didn't have to hang around for her brother, she might appreciate going straight home. If she is out of sight is she still safely within the school grounds? If so you could introduce a game of Hide and seek in a limited area.
One of the best things I was ever told when training to teach was "One word of praise is worth 10 of criticism." I've seen this work with really difficult children. Sometimes children dig themselves into a hole where they are unable to change their behaviour and they need help to ge out.

At that age there is no point in telling them what not to do unless you also tell them what to do instead

Dont assume its a given. Give them the tools to switch their behaviour rather than just telling them to stop what they are doing.

Unless its unsafe. Then physically remove them, then tell them what they should do instead of what they shouldnt: that just keeps them focused on the thing you dont want them doing

The waiting behaviour is understandable.

Think about it, its a LONG day for that age and many literally pass out with exhaustion after school for first term of reception.. some in the car before they even get home

...so she looks forward to going home...home time comes...then she doesnt get to go home she has to hang around for her brother

No wonder she is pissed off!

My DD is 5 and can sometimes be the same.

Most children that age are that way after school as they have to hold in so much of their energy it's like sudden release.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think you handled it very well at all. YOu could have easily just held her hand tighter or picked her up. It sounds like you can't cope with collecting them from school.

This child is very much ‘ in control’, and has learned that her behaviour gets her what she wants ( probably attention), because the adults around her can’t set boundaries and enforce them. First she has to know what she has to do ( not what she has NOT to do.
“ Now, when we’re walking home, I want you to walk nicely by my side”.
At the first sign of trouble, take her hand, saying,” You didn’t walk nicely like I asked, so now I have to hold your hand”.
There may be kicking/crying/screaming, but you’ll have to stick to your guns so she knows you mean business!
She won’t grow out of it, and it’s not because she’s very bright, but as long as you’re consistent she’ll learn that she has to do what you ask.
I agree about one word of praise being worth ten of criticism, so give her loads of praise when she behaves well.
I know it’s not easy, especially when you don’t see her often, but it’s worth showing you’re in control.

Exactly right Daddima consistency is vital and learning that actions have consequences.
It's hard for grandparents to be the 'bad guy' but necessary for safety's sake.

This child is very much ‘ in control’

I think its the exact opposite actually
At school they have no control over when to move, when to speak, when to pee, when & what to eat, what to wear etc.

At pick up theyve had enough of having no control whatsoever.

I see what you mean notanan, but surely we have to control their behaviour for their safety? In my experience they have quite a bit of control in the school environment, and learning to make choices is encouraged there as part of their development.

I think many of these children are just under-stretched mentally and take their frustrations out physically on those around them.

School ,instead of being kind and fun is all about targets. I would suggest maybe some consistency in the approach you and your daughter use.

Having said that my son was very hard work and I was a rubbish parent.

I see what you mean notanan, but surely we have to control their behaviour for their safety?

Yes WE do

If you compress something too much that energy finds a release somewhere

In reception they hold in a lot of stress and energy and emotion that often finds its way out after school.

Its not at all unusual in reception and not a sign of a particularly "difficult" or bad child overall.

If you understand that theyve kept it all under control at school and now no longer can, it helps to understand why its OUR job to keep them physically safe once the lid is off IYKWIM.

I have a granddaughter who was like this. I like to be fun, kindly granny, but one evening while babysitting I simply had to be firm and raise my voice. I did actually feel really angry with her - she simply would not stay in bed no matter what I did. She seemed to think it was her rules or no rules. I stook at the bottom of the stairs and was a totally different Granny. She flounced up the stairs and from the top she turned, hands on hips, and declared "And, Granny, I don't love you any more"!! Fortunately she's grown out of it now, and is much more well behaved, though can still be a little firecracker at times.

I know how my mum would have dealt with us being understretched...
Over, under or whatever, children have to do what they're told sometimes.

Quite agree MissA boundaries are necessary.

MissA I was thinking the same.
DGD is much the same ( at times) and it’s all about attention.
I would take them home by car if I were you OP, tell her she can’t walk home until she learns to behave.

My older grandson couldn't stay with my mum, even in a dire emergency because he was physically too much of a handful for her.
He used to get upset and ask why, but mums next door neighbour had to jump the fence and rescue her from the little swine on one occasion.

Could she have ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder)? Most children with this disorder are described as being stubborn, disobedient and willful, often throwing tantrums or running off when they don't get their way. On the other hand, she's only four and barely out of 'toddlerhood', so she may just grow out of it.

Here's more information on ODD.

www.additudemag.com/oppositional-defiant-disorder-odd-and-adhd/

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